Disclaimers--Don't read this if you're 16 or younger. If you are offended by graphic depictions of two men making love, don't read it. All references to Mystery Science Theater 3000 are property of Best Brains, Inc. The Cure belong to themselves (awww, darn!)

Opening scenes, titles, credits

(Open on Crow and Tom Servo chasing each other with big sharp objects. Mike Nelson is trying to avoid being sliced.)

Mike-Crow! Tom! Knock it off before you kill someone!

Crow-We can?t hurt anyone with these, Mike! They?re rubber! See?

(Crow takes a stab at Mike)

Mike-Eeeee! Don?t do that!

(Crow and Tom laugh as the rubber machete bounces harmlessly off Mike's stomach)

Mike-(annoyed)-That's still not nice, you guys! Now settle down. Sheesh, if this is how you guys act after the Mads leave us alone for a week, I'm going to start making you read bad stories myself!

(Tom and Crow look scared)

Tom-We won't do it again, Mike!

Crow-Honest! We-we were bored, and we heard about something called slash fiction...

Mike-Slash fiction?

Tom-Yeah'we think it must be stuff like Halloween and Friday the 13th...

Crow-So we were thinking and thought-

(the lights meaning a transmission from Deep 13 start flashing)

Mike-Ahh, speaking of the number 13...

(He hits a button. Dr Forrester and TV's Frank appear on the screen, grinning evilly)

Dr F-Hello Mike...robots...are you ready for this week's experiment?

Mike-Are you kidding? Bring it on!

Crow-Shhhh!

(Dr F and Frank laugh)

Dr F-Well...it's nice to see you're so eager after our week's absence. I'll tell you, Mike, bad fiction is getting hard to find!

Frank-It sure is, Dr F.

Dr F-So this week, I'll just have to hit you with something half-way decent instead of utterly wretched.

Tom-I sense a catch coming on.

Dr F-How right you are! The catch is, this week's offering is slash fiction!

Crow and Tom Servo-YES!!!

(They try to high-five each other, but Tom's arms can't raise up)

Crow-Low five! Hehe (Tom laughs)

Dr F-(smiling evilly) You won't be so quick to laugh, my little scrap heaps. Slash fiction has nothing to do with half naked girls being stalked by insane killers.

Crow and Tom-Awwwww...

Mike (nervously)-Then...what does it have to do with, Dr Forrester?

Dr F-Tell them, Frank.

TV's Frank(evil smile)--Slash fiction is fan fiction with a twist. It involves two characters or public figures in a same sex erotic situation.

Dr F-Such as Xena and Gabrielle, Mulder and Krycek.

Mike-so you mean--they--they?

Tom-They get bizzzz-ay, Mikey-boy! Hahahaha!

Crow-Doing wh-oh! Hehehehe! Whooooo...Mulder and Krycek, getting it on! Xena and Gabrielle!

Frank-Pretty much! We thought itd be a change of pace, and all, since we?ve been scraping the bottom of the barrel-

Dr F-(clamping hand over Frank's mouth) Enough, you imbecile! Anyway, most of what's out there is quite good...almost too good to torture you with! So we were forced to look at this from a different angle.

Mike-don't tell us you and Frank have been slashed, Dr F!

Dr F (disgusted) Of course NOT! Besides this would only work if it was someone you all honestly admire! (he releases Frank's mouth)

Frank-So, this week, your fanfic torture will be All I Want!

(Dr F smiles as the title sinks in to them) Yes, little friends, two of the musicians in your favorite band are presented as fodder for the slash cannon!

(They laugh evilly)

Mike-God, no! You wouldn?t be so cruel-

Tom-You wouldn't!

Crow-Oh, the humanity! Not Matthieu Hartley and Andy Anderson!

(All three make sounds of agony and disgust)

Dr F-(thunderous) No, you nimrods! Robert Smith and Simon Gallup! Now get your tushies over to that monitor and start reading, or I'll make you read Artemis' Lover again!

(Lights and sirens)

Mike-We've got fanfic sign!

(Everyone runs around except Crow)

Crow-(To Dr F and Frank)-Wankers! (He runs to join the others)

5...4...3...2...1...

(They begin taking their places around the computer)

Crow-Boy, I was scared there for a minute...the very idea of Andy Anderson...eeeee

Mike-(Comforts Crow)-It's okay, honey, you're safe now.

(Tom types in the URL provided by Dr F)

Mike-Fiction Records?

Tom-Well, is it fiction or records? Make up my mind!

Mike-Hmmmm..let's see...Catch...Trap...Torture...

Crow-That Tangerine person must have been here before!

Tom-We'll have to read her stuff later.

Mike-Here it is!

All I Want

Tom-(singing to the tune of the song)-Is to get the hell out of here!
Mike-By Fuschia? All the writers here have colorful names.
(All three singing)-She comes in colors everywhere?she comes in colors...

"Another town, another show.
Crow-Another day, another half-drunken debauch.

And here we go again,"
Tom (singing it as Robert does in A Forest)-And again and again and again and again...

Simon thought as he followed his bandmates backstage,
Mike-Checking out Perry's ass all the way!
Tom (As Simon imitating Austin Powers)-Yeeeeeah, bay-by!

the cheers of the crowd
Crow-And their Tides, and their Ivory Snows?

still ringing in his ears.
All three (singing to the tune of Bringing in the Sheaves)-Ringing in his ears, ringing in his ears...

Had it been that good?
Crow-No, because Robert didn't give him a-
Mike-Hush, now?.

He couldn't remember. All that came back to his mind,
Mike-As opposed to his nose, perhaps?

again and again,
Tom-(Singing as Robert again)-And again and again and again and again...

was the look that had passed between himself and Robert before they'd gone on.
Mike-Excuse me, so sorry, look passing through--oh dear, I stepped on Simon's foot!

"Simon?" Robert had said. When his friend had turned, Robert caught and held his brown eyes with his own blue ones
Tom-And when he realized how disgusting it is to hold someone?s eyeballs he gave them back?

...eyes so full of dark promise.
Crow-Mike, can a dark promise be upheld in a court of law?
Mike-I don't know, Crow.
Crow-Oh, okay.

Then Robert had grinned-no, he'd leered at him, his tongue darting out and flicking like a snake's.
Mike (Simon)-Hey now! That's sexual harassment!
Tom-(As Robert)-You know you want it, baby!

Simon had nearly groaned aloud
Crow-As opposed to groaning telepathically?

as a bolt of purest lust
Mike-Here at Fiction Records, we offer only the purest lust!

struck his groin
All three-OW!

-he barely managed to bite it back.
Tom-But it didn?t bite him, it struck him!

'Bastard,' He'd thought. 'Two can play that way, mate.' He'd looked at Robert from under his lowered lashes -a look he knew Robert liked- then returned the lewd gesture,
Mike-It was sadly rumpled, and had lager stains on it.
Tom--And grease from Simon's Kona...
Crow--And co--
Mike--Crow, NO.
Crow (pouting)--I might have said coffee, but you'll never really know, now will you?

finishing by slowly licking his lush lips. Robert had groaned, making Simon chuckle low, which prompted a glare from his bandmate...even so, those blue eyes still promised so much...
Tom-Cocktease!

then they'd gone on stage.

Here and now,
Crow-As opposed to elsewhere and later?

with their bandmates about, there would be no suggestive play or lingering looks.
All three-Darn!

The friends were being careful,
Mike-except for Chandler and Monica, who didn't care who knew that Simon and Robert were boinking each other!

as they always were with the others about. As open-minded as their mates were, Robert wasn't too sure they'd fancy the idea of him and Simon being bedmates as well as bandmates.
Tom-Rock and roll makes for strange bedmates.

'Not that it's always confined to the bed,'
Mike (As Robert)-Though I would like to be more often!

he thought, a wicked grin threatening to surface
Tom-(makes submarine klaxon noises)
Crow-Wicked grin surfacing off the starboard bow, Captain!

as he remembered how one day Simon had stalked silently up to him, that look in his eyes,
Mike-What look?
Tom-You know?*that* look!

(Tom demonstrates)
Crow-Ooooh!

pushed him up against the cupboard,
Mike-Which then opened, spilling an entire jar of honey on to Robert...

Crow (As Simon)-Here mate, let me get that sticky mess off you!
Mike-Crow!

and had him with that luscious mouth.
Crow (smugly)-See?

Robert had returned the favor most eagerly. Of course, afterwards there had been more of the post-passion angst that always seemed to happen between them, but lately there were more good times and less angst.
Tom-Good Times, starring Jimmie Walker!
Crow-Dyyyyyy-noooooo-miiiiite!

Robert shivered,
Mike (As Robert)-I say, it's so cold in here my dick has frozen solid! Oh wait, it's not frozen, it's-
Tom and Crow-Mike!
Mike--Well, you guys say this stuff all the time!
Crow--Someone has to be the Designated Moralist, Mike.
Mike--Heyyy...

wishing they were done here
Crow-So he could get done elsewhere...

as he sipped at his lager and tried to pay attention to what Roger
Crow-Ahhh, god no! Roger! Arrrrrrgh!

(he hides his face in Mike's shoulder)
Crow (whimpering)-Tell me when it's over Mike! He's been in my nightmares ever since Dark Promise...

(Mike strokes Crow's head)

was saying. He was doing a good job of it too until Perry dropped the bottle opener. It bounced, landing a few feet away from his friend.
Mike-Okay, Crow, Roger's gone. You're safe now.

(Crow straightens up)

"Bloody hell," he muttered, and moved to pick it up, not kneeling to do so, but bending over. Robert found he couldn't pull his eyes away from their bandmate's backside
All three-Ewwwww! His eyes are up Perry?s ass!

how had he missed it?
Mike-Apparently his eyes hit the target.

Perry was really quite attractive. Looking at Simon, Robert noticed his friend entertaining the same thoughts,
Tom-I hope Si isn't singing to them...

and raised a brow to him.
Mike-No wonder Simon and Robert enjoy each other so...their body parts can do the most amazing feats!

Simon found his gaze drawn to the guitarist. He really was quite attractive. Simon would have liked to take him in more deliberately, but he couldn't afford to.
Crow (As Perry)-I charge 100 pounds an hour just for looking! And touching will cost you double!

Not that he worried for Robert being jealous-they'd talked often enough about band members (at times, the emphasis truly being on members!) past and present-
Tom (in sepulchural tones) I am the Ghost of Cure Members Past! Whhhooooo-ooooo-oooooo!