So what causes that? I would say it is the "high" that creates the "low", but I didn't feel any euphoric high before the holidays. I felt s i c k most of the time with that awful head/chest/flu-ish stuff. I dragged myself to school because a) that is where I got it…the whole room came down with it one week or the next between Thanksgiving and Christmas. b) one would have to be a whole lot closer to being finished with all the Christmas projects as well as unit tests to turn over that mess to a substitute teacher. And c) I know how clingy second graders get when they realize they won't be seeing you over the holidays. I just had to put in that week, sick or not.

No, what causes this melancholy is that I am missing my boys. I am sure of it. The furry one and the eldest child one. This is what I see every single morning when I sit up in my bed:

See it? That empty black hole?

This is what I should be seeing:

Or that face anyway. With his ears up, looking back at me.

I miss him.

If you don't know it already, our ten year old dog-about-town didn't come back after a hunting season trip around the neighborhood after dark. We didn't think much about it; he had been tied all day with hunters in our woods, which he highly resents. So, it is not uncommon for him to stay out all night to accomplish his Important Work..or to punish us for tying him, I'm not sure. Maybe even two nights. But, this time, after the second night, we began to have the feeling he wasn't coming back. It would be nice to think he just shacked up with his mistress, but after all these years I know him too well. He was a love-em-and-leave-em kind of guy…

Nope, he is gone. For sure. And after 2 months, I finally called the vet today to tell them they could take his name off the mailing cycle.

But, I look out my window just the same every morning looking for the fluffy face and the perked up ears…

I still open the door to that 1/1000 of a second feeling that he will be bounding in. It is just that way.

A new dog is really out of the question. We are home SO infrequently, the poor thing would suffer from too much loneliness. We inflicted that on one dog; I don't think we should do it again. Elliott was a stray that moved in when we weren't looking. But how could you say "no!" to this?

So he stayed. He was the best dog, he really was. He was never "trained" yet he instinctively knew how to behave himself.

And he smiled. I loved that smile! He'd curl up his front lip so his teeth were showing and do this little one foot at a time prance to greet me when I drove into the garage, shut off the car, and opened the door. It is hard to go to NO greeting after being greeted with a smile first thing every night for ten years.

But, I am thinking more about him at the moment because he was my son's special dog. Elliott loved us all, but we were all second to his Boy. And, I am missing my son, too. Also his roommate, who has been his friend and our second son since they were three years old. Son moved first in Sept 2001, and Best Friend joined him a couple months later. They both have good jobs in DC and like where they are, so for that I am grateful. They were able to come home for BOTH Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though each drove up independently for opposite ends of the week, since they had different days off.

I can talk to my son on the phone. And email him at work, which I did twice since he has been back in DC. I had to call him last night just to tell him I won a "B Main" on the playstation racing game he got his father. The rest of the family would be embarrassed to BE in a B Main, but hey, I am Mom. I can get a pat on the back for that! So I called. As good an excuse as any...

In my gloomy way of looking at the joy of having him around for both holidays, I have this sinking feeling about the years when that won't be true. And how quickly they are approaching. I certainly wouldn't mind going there to be with HIM on the holidays, but now daughter is all grown up and soon off to college. I feel that stretched and torn feeling of choosing between them coming up that my parents have been faced with all these years.

I know I have said it here already, but again I am struck with the irony of all this. You raise them up to be independent, to stand on their own two feet, with the door wide open and all the world to choose from, and guess what?

They are independent, can stand on their own two feet, open the door wide, and choose all the world.

Go figure!

We were talking about one of my daughter's friends who made a strange comment yesterday. She was talking about how much better this holiday was than the last for the obvious reason that she was out of a bad relationship with a boy she had been dating. She said, "WE are glad THAT is over." The "we" was her whole family, and I am sure it is true. Even I think it is a good thing! My daughter thinks it is a good thing. Everyone who knows her thinks it is a good thing!

But the "we" rang out of her sentence…the "we" was the whole family involved in having "her" opinion…or maybe she involved in having their opinion. It is hard to separate one from the whole. Hard to know who the individuals are even when they are definitely different beings (from one another) in many ways. They work and play as a single unit, even now, all grown up. Sharing one opinion. Sharing one apron, all strung tightly.

It is kind of hard to explain. And I guess you have to know the family history a bit. But even as my daughter repeated the phrase, each of us heard the same thing…One voice with many octaves. A little bit eerie.

If my daughter had just recently ended a bad relationship (sniff, instead she ended a good one, darn it…albeit for good reasons…he is living back in Brazil…still, he's another boy to miss this holiday…) but if SHE DID end a bad relationship, I may note that she was happier, that there was less stress, that we were glad she was okay, even glad it was over, but I don't see my daughter saying, "We are glad that is over" when she talked to other people about it..like she was married to us. She may have said, "Everyone can feel it; the tension is gone." Or some other collective type phrase, but this one loudly rang as one opinion, one voice with many octaves.

That really isn't what I wanted for my children. Really. I am just wanting it right this minute. They could have their own opinions, even. I just want them attached...one seated on each selfish little (?) apronned hip, thank you very much.

Okay new subject.

Someone reminded me that I haven't shown off Birdie's twins in a long time. Birdie is my dear friend from Old School who went and, quite unfairly, had twins the minute I left the place. I don't see these cuties often enough:

I would show you lots of other pictures - they are a riot and a half - but I am not up to all that scanning this morning. I was going to cut and paste some funny emails, too; one about T's reaction to mommy hitting a deer, and one about Christmas Eve with 2 and ½ year old twins. But as luck would have it, I just cleaned out email, scrubbing with a vengeance, and deleted those stories, too. Darn. Birdie will just have to resend them or send me something else descriptive of these girls! OR she could write an entry that she/I could post! Hint, hint. (From the one who updates by the semester as it is, no less. What's that saying about She who lives in glass houses?)

Well, I have been here for longer than I have time for today. But I was hoping if I just wrote it all down, the fog would lift and I could enjoy the rest of my time off.

Missing Boys…and Girls