~ What If ~

What if the dragons never existed, would I feel the way that I do?

Wouls I hurt every second of every day? Would I change personalities so fast?

Would I want to give up? Would my brain function normally?

Would I see more clearly? Would I welcome each day differently?

Would I walk without a cane? Would I talk without stuttering?

Would I know what I was doing every second of every day?

Would I have to think twice before every word that I said?

Would I get this exhausted from doing nothing?

Questions and questions that's all that I am!

Who am I and could I be me?

So much to comprehend and so much to remember.

Remember what....how to exist!

Existing before was so much fun but now it's truly a chore.

Remember to wake up and what clothes to wear.

When did it all change? When did I change?

Happy one second and angry the next.

Who am I and where did I go?

Can't get a grip, such a whirlwind I'm in.

Forget the past they say but if I do, I'll forget me!

The me I remember was not so confused.

Always in control and ready for adventure.

The me now has panic attacks and where did they come from!

Did it creep up slowly or suddenly appear?

Indeed don't ask me for I can't remember.

Too tired to think, too tired to care; such despair, am I still here?

Here is the present, what's keeping me going?

The strong one..am I?

I want to live just wish things were different,

I can't change the past, but was looking towards the future.

The future is scary and I'm not a whimp but the dragons are in the drivers seat.

I can't stop them, boy have I tried. The stronger I fight the less I win.

Who will win this battle the answer is simple.

The mighty dragons have consumed.

My days are the same, constant pain and confusion.

Is this how I will live the rest of my life?

Will I get worse...of course I will.

The answers to the questions I don't want to hear.

The I who was is rapidly dying.

No net to catch or miracle cure.

What's to become of me before I go?

Enjoy each day and feel blessed I still am.

poem and photograph copyrighted@Linda Elaine Calhoun 2000

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