Across the Glacier - Madenia's Story Part 1

By Clarimonde

Obligatory Disclaimer: All characters that appeared in the Earth’s Children (tm) series copyright by Jean M. Auel. This is a work of fan fiction only, not intended for profit.

The tall young woman with the long, russet braids stood in the snowy meadow, catching her breath after the treacherous descent from the glacier.

"I did it. I’m really on a Journey! Thank you, Duna, thank you!" Ever since leaving her home, Madenia could hardly believe it. Verdegia had been so reluctant to let her only daughter leave.

"You should be thinking of a Matrimonial, not a Journey, Madenia. I want to see my grandchildren. After all, it’s not as if you lack for admirers. I have heard some of the young men say that you are the most beautiful woman of all the Losadunai. And with your talents and status, you could have any man you want - even two co-mates if you wish. Madenia, why do you wish to Journey? You are my only daughter, my youngest child. Can’t you stay home and give me grandchildren?"

Madenia hated to hurt and disappoint her adored mother, but ever since the previous winter, she had her heart set on making a long and exciting Journey, and nothing would dissuade her. She had been asking the Mother every day since Ayla and Jondalar had left , to be able to make the Journey she dreamt of.

"Mother, I want to be like Ayla. I want to have adventures, and meet people who will give me beautiful clothes, and meet a man like Jondalar who will love me. I am a woman now, I had my First Rites last summer. I must take my Journey. I love you, Mother, and I will come back, I promise." Madenia left unspoken another thought - that by leaving, she would not have to see her rapists for a long, long time. Charoli and his gang had been brought back to the Losadunai and put under the strict supervision of their Caves. They had to pay a claim to Verdegia and Madenia; and Charoli himself, as the ringleader and instigator, had suffered the ultimate punishment. He no longer possessed the equipment to rape again. Even so, Madenia could not think of them without shuddering. She had enjoyed her First Rites, and since then had shared Pleasures with a few of her admirers and found that she enjoyed it; still, sometimes she had nightmares and woke screaming. Madenia wanted nothing more than to put a glacier between her and her former tormentors.

Verdegia knew when she was beaten. "Very well, then. If you feel you must take your Journey, then you must. Where do you plan to go?"

"West, of course. I want to go to the Zelandonii and see Ayla and Jondalar again." Madenia smiled. "Won’t they be surprised!"

And now she was here, on the other side of the glacier. She was thankful she had managed to cross without incident - travelling alone, an accident could be deadly. Madenia was also thankful for the hours of practice with sling and spear, and the other hours spent trailing Solandia as she gathered herbs and explained their uses. It would not do to starve or fall ill on her long-anticipated Journey. She found a sheltered spot nearby, took off her traveling pack and sat down. Pulling out a traveling cake - Verdegia had packed enough for two people - Madenia nibbled on it, wondering how long it would take to reach Zelandonii country.

After eating and resting awhile, Madenia resumed her trek. It was afternoon and she wanted to make as much time as possible before having to settle down for the evening. Spying a ptarmigan ahead, Madenia reached for her sling and let fly a round stone. The ptarmigan fell.

"Fresh meat for dinner!" Madenia said aloud. She was sick of travelling cakes and very proud of her hard-earned skill that enabled her to provide her own meals. Even though she had nothing for stuffing, she had packed dried herbs she had painstakingly collected earlier in the year; at least the meat would be seasoned.

Madenia glanced ahead. Two small figures appeared in the distance. Men, she thought. Hunters, probably. For a moment she was afraid, remembering what happened when Charoli and the others caught her alone. At least this time, she had her weapons with her. Then she remembered, most men were not like Charoli. Visitors were usually welcomed. Madenia took a deep breath and hurried forward, holding out her hands.

"Greetings in the name of the Mother. I am Madenia of the Losadunai, daughter of Verdegia of the Hot Well Cave." The taller, older man stepped forward and smiled. Madenia’s eyes widened. He looked exactly like an older version of Jondalar. He took her hands.

"In the name of Doni, the Great Earth Mother, you are welcome, Madenia of the Losadunai. I am Dalanar, leader of the First Cave of the Lanzadonii." Dalanar smiled at her. "You are from the Hot Well Cave? Is Laduni still the leader there? I have traded with him several times. He’s a good man, a good leader."

"Yes, he is," said Madenia. "I learned to speak your language from him, and the daughter of his hearth, Filonia, taught me as well. I wanted to learn Zelandonii, for my Journey." Dalanar’s likeness to Jondalar was disconcerting. Madenia’s face reddened and she looked at the ground in confusion.

Dalanar turned to the young man beside him, who was carrying a small mouflon sheep they had killed across his shoulders. "Madenia of the Losadunai, this is Echozar of the Lanzadonii."

For the first time Madenia got a good look at Echozar, who had been staring at the ground. She had to fight not to show her revulsion. This man was a mixture, what her mother had always told her when she was a girl, was an abomination of mixed spirits, a horror in the eyes of the Mother. Madenia knew that some men of her Cave had approached a flathead clan north of the river for trading last summer, but that was different. Neither side accepted those born of mixed spirits.

Don’t think of him as an abomination, Madenia, she thought to herself. You’re a visitor here. Their customs are probably different. Just think of him as a very, very ugly man.

"In the name of the Mother, I greet you, Echozar of the Lanzadonii", said Madenia with a forced smile.

Echozar mumbled a greeting, not looking at Madenia. He could see she was tall, slender, and beautiful, and was painfully reminded of the other tall beautiful woman who had Promised herself to him and then, after the last Zelandonii Summer Meeting, when the objections to their mating proved so strong, went on a Journey one morning, never to return. Echozar was afraid that the thought of Joplaya would start him crying, right here in front of the visitor. He bit his lip and blinked back tears.

Madenia was nonplussed. She was used to having a strong effect on the young men she met, but tears were not among them. She turned to Dalanar with a puzzled expression.

"I will explain later. In the meantime, what is a young woman like you doing making a Journey all alone in the middle of winter? Most young women, and many young men, don’t make such long and dangerous Journeys." Dalanar noted the decorations of teeth, bone and shells on Madenia’s reindeer-skin clothing and the bone earplugs in her pierced ears - obviously a woman of high status, he thought. A good beadworker and stitcher, judging from the clothing. And she hunts, too, as he noticed the ptarmigan she had with her.

Madenia was happy to change the subject. "I’ve always enjoyed stories of travel and adventure, ever since I was a little girl. Then a man and a woman named Ayla and Jondalar happened to visit our Cave last winter. They saved my life. When Ayla told me of all her travels, all the things she’d seen and done, I knew I had to take my own Journey. There was no way around it. So ever since Ayla and Jondalar left, I had been preparing and making plans. I had to wait until I had my First Rites and became a woman, then I had to wait for winter to cross the glacier, and beyond all that I had to overcome my mother’s objections, which was almost as hard as crossing that glacier." Madenia smiled. "Since all of my brothers mated and moved away, and the man of my hearth died, I was all she had left. She wanted me to stay home and have children, but finally she gave her consent for me to go on my Journey. I plan to go to the Zelandonii, to surprise Ayla and Jondalar. Then I want to see the Great Waters, maybe ride in one of their water-birds I have heard about."

"Jondalar is the son of my hearth, I saw him at the Summer Meeting. He and Ayla are mated and Doni has blessed her, she may even have had her baby by now."

"Ayla is blessed?" Madenia would have jumped up and down and clapped her hands, but she was prevented by the heavy pack frame and the ptarmigan she was carrying. "That is wonderful! Their mating will be very, very lucky. I cannot wait to see them again." Madenia glanced over at Echozar and noticed he was scowling at the mention of blessings and babies and mating. Madenia thought that he must be very unhappy. Why would anyone be so unhappy at the mention of babies, and mating? Weren't babies considered treasures and blessings everywhere? Wasn't mating a joyous occasion? Perhaps the man was afraid he'd never get a mate or have children of his hearth because he was so ugly and charmless, and that made him unhappy.

"Madenia, come back to the cave with us and have dinner. You are welcome to stay as long as you want, you shouldn’t be out Journeying in the middle of winter anyway. You could get lost or freeze to death. We could use a visitor, to cheer us up."

"I would be glad to visit your Cave, Dalanar. I am tired and hungry, and want a hot meal and soft furs.", said Madenia. It would mean living in the same cave as that strange, ugly, unsmiling man, and Madenia wondered what her mother would think of her living with what Verdegia always called "half-human, half-animal filth." Well, what Mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and different people have different customs. Isn’t that what you went on a Journey for, adventure and excitement and the lure of the new?

"Come with us, then, it is this way, and not too far."

The three walked on through the cold and snow until they reached the mouth of a large cave. Dalanar shouted inside, "Jerika! Lanzadoni! We have a visitor!"

A tiny, bird-like woman with salt-and-pepper hair pulled back in a bun came out to greet them. She hugged the two men, then turned to greet Madenia. When the woman saw Madenia, she gasped.

"Verdegia? Can it be?"

Madenia nearly fell backward with shock. How could this strange woman possibly have known her mother? She stammered, "No...no...I am Madenia, Verdegia’s daughter."

"Jerika of the Lanzadonii, this is Madenia of the Losadunai, daughter of Verdegia of the Hot Well Cave. I’ve traded with their headman, Laduni, many times."

"In the name of Donii, you are welcome, Madenia of the Losadunai. When I was a girl, my mother, her mate and I stayed with the Losadunai on our travels. We lived in the Hot Well Cave, and I got to know Verdegia and her family quite well. She was a little older than I, and mated shortly after we came to visit. I remember Verdegia, she was a proud beauty and you look just like her." Jerika thought to herself that Verdegia had been as abrasive to be around as she was lovely to look at, and hoped that Madenia didn’t take after her in that respect. Especially if she was going to be visiting for a while. They trooped inside the cave, where the mouflon was being prepared for the evening meal. Jerika noticed the ptarmigan Madenia was carrying.

"I’ll prepare that, for dinner. You go with Lanzadoni to her hearth and settle yourself." Jerika took the bird from Madenia and turned to the cooking hearth. Madenia called after her, "Please save the feathers." Jerika raised an eyebrow questioningly. "I sew them on clothes, make jewelry from them. I will make you something with them if you like."

"All right, I will be sure to save them then. Now here is Lanzadoni, she will take you to the visitors’ space at her hearth.

Madenia looked over, expecting to see a woman. Instead, she saw a man, shorter than Madenia but broad-shouldered and strongly made, with a faint stubble of dark beard. He was wearing a woman’s long dress and elaborate, braided hairstyle, and had pierced ears like Madenia’s, adorned with seashells. This was one of those who had the power of both male and female spirits, the ones who were usually called to Serve the Mother and had, it was whispered, the most power of anyone. Madenia held out her hands.

This time Madenia used her full titles and affiliations, for the most impressive effect. "In the name of Duna I greet you. I am Madenia of the Hot Well Cave of the Losadunai, daughter of Verdegia, Master Weaver and Beadworker of the Hot Well Cave of the Losaduni, and sister of Rizani, lead hunter of the Hill River Cave." This was, after, all, Lanzadoni, First Among Those Who Serve The Mother for the Lanzadonii. "In the name of the Mother, you are welcome, Madenia of the Losadunai. Let me take your pack, and I will show you where you will be staying. You are a very brave young woman, to take such a long Journey alone in the winter."

This was about the third or fourth time Madenia had heard such a comment. She had never thought of herself as particularly brave before; all she wanted was to take her Journey. Ayla had done it, and Ayla was not so very much older than she was. Well, with everyone so impressed that she had crossed the glacier all by herself, she must be braver than she thought. Madenia never had much of a chance to test her courage or endurance growing up. She had been the adored and cosseted baby girl, waited on hand and foot by a hearth full of solicitous males, and watched like a hawk and trained to be worthy of her birth status by her mother. After her brothers mated and left one by one, and then the man of her hearth died, she’d had to start going on hunts with the men, going to the river to catch fish and set snares -- Madenia closed her eyes briefly in pain, remembering what happened that one horrible morning when she set snares by the river -- and going far from her Cave to gather food. There was much work to be done in a hearth with no men and her mother too old to go on hunts. Her mother had traded her fine beadwork and ornaments for all they needed, but Madenia still felt obliged to do what she could.

"How old are you, Madenia?" asked Lanzadoni.

"Mother told me I was born on the first day of spring, so let’s see...I am thirteen, I will be fourteen in the springtime."

"A springtime child, well, that explains it. Many spring children are natural leaders." Lanzadoni studied Madenia carefully. She was small-boned and thin for her height, giving her an appearance of fragility. Her thinness was her only real flaw; Lanzadoni’s people, and Madenia’s, preferred larger women with ample curves. Madenia’s hair was long, thick and lustrous, a rich russet shade of chestnut, her features delicate and even in a long oval face, her large eyes an enigmatic shade of hazel. She was certainly strikingly beautiful, and obviously intelligent and courageous, to journey across the glacier and survive. That one is born to be a headwoman, Lanzadoni thought.

Lanzadoni and Madenia chatted as she unpacked her belongings. Madenia decided she liked the shaman. Despite her odd appearance, she was as warm and friendly and easy to talk to as Losaduna was. As Madenia was unpacking her clothes and putting them away, Lanzadoni noticed the beautiful outfit of soft yellow chamois she had brought with her.

"That is beautiful, Madenia. I have never seen leather that soft. Where is it from?"

"Ayla gave that to me, when she saw me admiring it. She told me that it comes from a place far to the east, where the people who live there have developed a secret technique for making leather that soft. I wore it for my First Rites. Who knows, I may have an occasion to wear it here." Madenia folded the beautiful outfit carefully and put it away on the storage bench. Then she pulled out a carefully wrapped, covered wooden bowl of some soft, slimy stuff and set it down.

"Is there somewhere I can wash and change my clothes? I hate to look all travel stained and dirty for dinner with people I have never met."

"Yes, of course. I will bring in water and help you heat it and then you can change right here. But tell me, what is in that bowl?"

"Solandia, mate of our Losaduna, showed me how to make it. It smells very bad but cleans like nothing you’ve ever seen before. I will show you and Jerika how to make it, later. In the meantime, you are welcome to use some of mine when you wash. You’ll be amazed at how clean you will feel." "Lanzadoni, Verde - I mean, Madenia - the food is ready." Madenia helped herself to the mutton and vegetable stew first, in honor of the Mother. She sat down and began to eat in silence.

Such long faces. Never have I seen a more cheerless group of people. I hope I can find some way to leave soon, if I am stuck here for the whole winter with this lot, I am going to go stark, staring mad. This is not my idea of a Journey. Aren't they at least going to hold a festival to honor the Mother?, Madenia brooded.

"If Hochaman hadn't died this autumn, you would have loved to hear his travelling stories, Madenia. He made the longest Journey that anyone has ever heard of. He travelled all the way from the Endless Sea to the Great Waters in his lifetime." Dalanar spoke, breaking the silence.

"Who was Hochaman? Where is the Endless Sea? I am going to the Great Waters on my Journey, but I have never heard of the Endless Sea. I wish I could spend my life travelling, from one sea to another, but I promised my mother I would come back. I can't not come back, I am the only daughter of my hearth. If I didn't go back, my mother would have no grandchildren, no one to carry on her hearth, and my brothers would have no children and no heirs." Madenia sighed. Not for the first time, she wished she had a sister. Being the only girl could be such a constraint at times.

"That didn't stop Joplaya from leaving!" Echozar burst out. It was the first time Madenia had heard him speak rather than mumble. Dalanar, Jerika and Lanzadoni all looked at each other, a bit surprised at the outburst.

"Aaaahhhh...who is Joplaya? Is she on her Journey, too? Maybe she will stay with the Losadunai on her way, if she goes east." These people, Hochaman and Joplaya, must be family, thought Madenia. No wonder they all seem so sad here.

"Joplaya was - is - my daughter, my only living child," said Jerika. "She and Echozar were Promised to one another. Then at the last Summer Meeting, some of the other Caves - er - opposed the mating, and Joplaya was so upset she just left one morning." Jerika fought to control her tears. "Hochaman was my mother's mate, and he was greatly saddened to see Joplaya go. He died in the autumn, not long after."

"Oh, I am so sorry!" Madenia thought she was going to cry, too. "Maybe Joplaya will come back. She didn't say she wouldn't, did she?"

"No she won't! She'll never, ever return! She couldn't mate an abomination, a - a creature of mixed spirits." Everyone gaped. Madenia didn't know where to look, she was so embarrassed at witnessing Echozar's outburst. "She took a piece of my spirit with her when she left. I'll never mate, I'll never have a hearth with children! After all, what am I? Loathsome, vile, something that profanes the Mother!" Echozar flung down his bowl, splattering Madenia's dress with the contents. He ran to the back of the cave, sobbing.

Dalanar was mortified. Echozar was always so quiet and shy, and since Joplaya's leaving barely ate or spoke, could hardly drag himself out of bed in the morning. He'd only consented to go hunting that day because of a dream he'd said he had. Dalanar couldn't believe what happened, first a disgraceful outburst in front of their young, pretty, high-status visitor and then ruining her dress like that. He got up to follow Echozar and reprimand him but Lanzadoni looked at him and shook her head. Dalanar sat back down.

"I am sorry about your dress," said Jerika. She was expecting a tantrum, knowing what Verdegia would have done if it was her dress that happened to.

"I have more clothes, and I can get the stains out. If I can't, I can always dye it bright red, that will hide any stain." She looks like her mother, but is not really like her. Not that this isn't going to be a long winter for other reasons, mused Jerika to herself. The next morning, all the drama from last night was forgotten. No one spoke of Echozar’s outburst, and he busied himself making tools and repairing weapons with Dalanar at his hearth. He would not even look at Madenia.

"At least he’s up and out of bed and working," said Lanzadoni. "He is much better since you have arrived, Madenia. Before, he was lying in bed all day, staring at the wall and wishing he were dead."

Madenia didn’t quite know what to think of Lanzadoni’s crediting her for Echozar’s recovery, but despite her wariness of the young man of mixed spirits, she felt sympathy for him. Madenia well knew what it was like to want to walk in the spirit world. In the days after her brutal attack at the hands of Charoli and his cohorts, she wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t bathe, wouldn’t even talk to her mother. She knew Echozar’s spirit had been wounded just as hers had been.

"You pour the wood ash liquid into the melted fat, like this." Madenia was showing Jerika and Lanzadoni how to make the soft, smelly scum that cleaned so well, that she had brought with her from the Losadunai. "Pour it slowly, and don’t splash any of it on yourself, it will sting. Here, I will pour, you can stir." Madenia handed the wooden stirring stick to Lanzadoni. "Be sure to use a wooden bowl for the ash liquid, if you use a basket the liquid will corrode it, and eat big holes right through the fibers."

"Madenia. Have you ever been in love?" Madenia gasped and choked as the fumes from the ash liquid went up her nose. What a personal question! What in the name of the Mother did this have to do with making the cleansing substance? When she could speak, she wheezed, "Does wanting a particular man for your First Rites count?"

"Yes. I would think it does." Jerika spoke in an uncharacteristic half-whisper. Madenia looked over at her. Jerika continued, almost to herself. "I was born to a family of travellers. Mother and her mate Hochaman came from a people near the Endless Sea far to the east. Both of them had the same dream – to spend their entire lives on one long Journey. So they mated, and I was born on the way west. Every so often we would stop and stay with one group of people or another, for a few moons or maybe several years. By the time we reached the Losadunai, my mother was dead, and I was a woman. I had my First Rites at a Losadunai summer meeting."

Madenia poured the last of the ash liquid in with a splash – her own instructions to be careful forgotten – and stared intently at Jerika. "And then…?"

"The man I chose for my First Rites was named Alexi. He was not the most handsome man there was, but he was so charming and a good storyteller. He could make anybody laugh. He was a good musician, too, with a fine singing voice. We didn’t intend to fall in love, and as you know it is a sacriliege for a girl having her First Rites, and the man she chooses, to fall in love, but we did." Jerika looked around to make sure Dalanar wasn’t within earshot. "We were both of us in love, but not only could we not let anyone find out, Alexi was Promised to another."

"My mother", said Madenia in a soft voice. "She did mate him. I was born to his hearth."

"Yes, he was Promised to Verdegia, a woman of great beauty and of higher status than his own. She was a very good match for him, better than he could have hoped. And she was not going to give him up."

"No, she wouldn’t. If Alexi had tried to get out of his Promise, Mother would have turned herself into a dunai and pursued him right into the underworld if she had to." Madenia spoke ruefully, knowing her mother as she did. "Mother is not a bad woman. She is such a good mother to my brothers, and especially to me. She is witty, and vivacious, and clever with her hands. But she is awfully determined to have her own way, and she has a very sharp tongue and a temper."

Jerika sighed. "So Verdegia found out. She was so angry. She threatened to have me disgraced and vanished, she told Alexi she would curse him. So rather than cause a huge amount of trouble, Hochaman and I just left. Alexi and I were in the wrong, anyway. And then after crossing the glacier, I met Dalanar, and mated him, and he is the best mate any woman could ever ask for, and I love him. So all is well that ends well, isn’t it?"

"Mother did mate with Alexi, and she bore four sons, and then me. They were happy, at least as far as I know. Mother ruled the hearth, of course. When she says "jump", there is nothing to say but "How high?" Alexi is dead now, a woolly rhino killed him two autumns ago when he was out hunting. I miss him every day. I was the favorite of the children of his hearth, he would sing me to sleep every night." Tears were running down Madenia’s cheeks. Jerika reached over and hugged her. "If he were still alive, he would have come on the Journey with me."

The short, round woman looked up at the tall, willowy girl. "Madenia, I am sorry at how – unfriendly – I was when you first arrived. You look just like your mother, but you are not her, and it is not fair of me to bring past animosities up like that. As my apology, please accept the hospitality of this Cave until the snow melts in spring. I insist."

Madenia glanced over at Echozar. Her first irrational distaste for the young man of mixed spirits was beginning to give way to, if not acceptance, at least tolerance. "Very well, I accept your hospitality gladly. I will stay with the Lanzadonii until springtime." Impulsively, she bent and kissed Jerika on the cheek.

"Wonderful! I will tell Dalanar and we will have to have a Festival to Honor the Mother. Visitors are always such a good excuse for merry-making."

Lanzadoni spoke up. "The – ah – smelly stuff has set, it looks like."

Madenia peered into the bowl. "Yes, it does, and it looks perfect! It doesn’t always come out this well. Thank the Mother it did this time."

"Now I will go tell everyone the good news, and to prepare for a Festival to Honor the Mother in a few days." Lanzadoni smiled, a secret, little smile. Preparations had been underway for the Mother Festival, for the past few days. No one in the Cave was idle. People were hunting, or outside on clear days gathering the little fresh food winter had to offer, sewing new beadwork and quills onto clothes, practicing musical instruments. Madenia was restless, and craving fresh food. She wished she could make some of that fermented wormwood drink for the Mother Festival, but it was sacred and Solandia was the only one who knew how to make it. Lanzadoni had promised something more than just birch beer for the festival, and she wondered what the surprise was.

Madenia went to the mouth of the cave and looked out. It was a bright, clear sunny day. Perfect weather to look for what little fresh greens there were and see if any berries could be found underneath the snow. She went to get her parka, hood and outdoor boots.

Lanzadoni saw her bundling up to leave the cave and called out, "Echozar, go outside with Madenia and help her find some fresh food."

"No, really, I’ll be just fine. It’s not snowing and I won’t go far. Echozar doesn’t have to drop everything and tag along after me if he doesn’t want to." Madenia sighed. Lanzadoni seemed intent on throwing her and Echozar together every moment she could manage. Lanzadoni said that Echozar was lonely and needed "cheering up" and "company." By "company" Lanzadoni inevitably seemed to mean Madenia. She didn’t know how to put a stop to it without being impolite to the One Who Served the Mother.

Madenia waited for Echozar to catch up with her and they left the cave. They walked along, neither of them saying anything for a while. Madenia studied her surroundings for any trees with tasty inner bark or bushes which might still have a few berries hidden under the snow.

"Over there, by the stream, there might be something. Joplaya usually had luck with that spot."

He has a nice voice, Madenia thought, startling herself. Long, thick, black hair too, almost as long as mine. If only he’d brush it and tie it back.

Madenia’s face crimsoned. What would her mother and brothers think of her if they could read her thoughts? She knew what most of the elders, and even some of the younger people, in her Cave thought of those of mixed spirits. Even among those of more tolerant mindsets drew the line at the thought of a young woman - especially one of high status - and a man of mixed spirits. Madenia firmly pushed all such thoughts from her mind. She saw the spot by the iced-over stream that Echozar had indicated, and walked briskly on ahead to look for hidden berries.

"Madenia?" Echozar shouted after her.

"Mmm-hmmm?" She wished he’d be quiet, she was trying to concentrate on finding food.

"How ugly do you think I am, really?"

"What a question!" Madenia looked up, sat back on her heels and studied him critically. She frowned. "It’s not that you’re ugly, it’s that you don’t think well of yourself, and it shows. You need to stand up straight and tie your hair back, and --" Madenia stopped when she saw the look of terror on his face. She saw him lift his spear.

Oh Duna, he’s going to kill me, just because I told him to stand up straight and brush his hair. He is crazy, his spirit is sick.

"Madenia, look out! Behind you!"

The spear hit its mark just as the snow leopard sprang for the kill. "Madenia! Oh, Doni! Madenia! Are you alive?" Echozar cried as he ran to the fallen snow leopard. It was dead, Echozar's spear protruding from its side, and Madenia was crumpled beneath it. Echozar had heard her scream as the beast attacked her. He sent a quick prayer to the Great Earth Mother that Madenia was still alive.

As he reached where she lay, he heard her whimpering in shock and pain.

"Madenia! Don't try to move! Can you hear me? Can you speak to me?" Echozar carefully moved the body of the snow leopard off her. Madenia lay on the ground, curled up in a ball, her eyes wide and dark. The left arm and shoulder of her tunic was badly shredded, and dark patches seeped through the material. She struggled to sit up, mumbling in Losadunai, "O Mother...my good outdoor tunic...ruined...my arm hurts...I'm dizzy..."

"Ssshhh, don't try to talk, don't try to move. I'll carry you back to the Cave, Lanzadoni will take care of you. You'll be fine, we just have to get you back to the Cave." Echozar scooped her up, surprised at how little she weighed, how small her bones were. She struggled and whimpered, and as she glimpsed her arm she screamed. "I'm bleeding!"

"I'm afraid I don't understand you, I don't speak Losadunai. Don't struggle, please just let me carry you back to the Cave, it's not that far." Echozar desperately hoped he could get her back to the Cave before she bled to death. She was lucky to be alive; as the leopard attacked her, Madenia had instinctively shielded her head with her arm and curled into a ball, so the cat missed her neck and wounded her shoulder and arm instead. Now the danger was loss of blood and infection.

Madenia looked up at Echozar and said, in Zelandoni this time, "I suppose...I should thank you for saving me. How could I have been so careless, and I call myself a hunter..." Then she lost consciousness.

Echozar knew what a moment of carelessness on the part of a hunter could cost; not just the kill, but the hunter's life. He remembered what happened to Andovan, the man who had cared for him and his mother. Andovan had not been careless, just too old to be hunting, his senses weren't as sharp as they needed to be. Still, the result was the same - death.

They were nearing the Cave. Echozar glanced down at Madenia, noting that her breathing was shallow and rapid and her skin growing clammy. Please, let her live. We're almost there, he thought.

With a sigh of relief, he saw Lanzadoni running toward them. The One Who Served could read thoughts, and predict the future, not always, but luckily this time she could. The Cave was lucky she consented to go with them at the last Zelandoni summer meeting.

"It's Madenia. A snow leopard attacked her. She's still alive, but unconscious." Lanzadoni carefully took Madenia from Echozar and carried her over to the bed platform. Echozar made as if to follow, but Jerika detained him. "Where is the snow leopard?" she asked.

"I...I suppose it’s still where I killed it."

"Well, then, don’t you think you should go back for it before the hyenas and gluttons get to it? And what about your spear? You left that behind too, didn’t you?"

Echozar nodded.

"You and Dalanar both, go get your spear and bring that leopard back. Cure the skin, get the teeth and claws, and don’t come back in the cave until you’ve finished. Do you hear me? Now scram!"

Dalanar took Echozar’s arm and led him out of the cave. "Jerika is right, we need to get your spear and besides, we can’t do anything about Madenia. We’ll just be in the way here. It’s up to the Mother whether she lives or dies."

Lanzadoni had built up a roaring fire in her hearth. She filled two bowls with water, adding willow-bark to one for pain and a mixture of marigold leaves and yarrow to another, for infections. She wished she had some fresh plantain leaves, but it was mid-winter, so yarrow and marigold would have to do for now. Painstakingly, she cut away Madenia’s blood-stiffened clothes. The wounds weren’t too deep; the leather garments had protected her flesh somewhat, but still, Madenia had lost a lot of blood, and carnivore wounds almost always festered. Lanzadoni chanted softly as she worked, prayers to the Mother, to protective spirits, and to Madenia’s newly-revealed Snow Leopard totem spirit.

"Jerika, go start a meat broth cooking. She’ll need it when she wakes up. She’ll need all her strength to recover." Lanzadoni was glad Jerika had gotten rid of the men; they’d only be underfoot and a nuisance. Lanzadoni preferred to work alone at times like this; other people, even Jerika who had worked as a healer before, interrupted her concentration and focus on her patient. She threw Madenia’s ruined garments in a pile and carefully washed her wounds with the marigold and yarrow liquid; then applied the wet herbs as a poultice and bound the wounds with rabbit skins. Madenia stirred and mumbled. Lanzadoni sighed with relief. The girl was regaining consciousness, now she needed warmth and liquids for shock. Lanzadoni bundled Madenia in furs; then, cradling her with one arm, fed her sips of willow-bark tea. Madenia coughed, spluttered, then swallowed. She opened her eyes.

"Oh, thank the Mother", breathed Lanzadoni. "Drink the rest of this." Madenia made a face and tried to turn her head away.

"Yes, I know willow-bark tea tastes nasty but it’s good for you. It will relieve your pain. Drink up." Too weak to protest, Madenia obediently drank the rest of the bitter concoction. She was more fully conscious now, and was starting to show panic in her eyes. She started jabbering away in Losadunai.

"Hush, Madenia, you’re not in the spirit world, you’re here in the Cave and you’re safe. You’ll be just fine in no time. Here, drink this meat broth, you need your strength." Lanzadoni wished she could give Madenia a decoction of valerian to relax her and keep her from panicking, but it could be dangerous for someone in her condition. Sleep was necessary, but a drugged sleep could depress Madenia’s vital functions to the point where she would go to sleep and not wake up.

Jerika had arrived with a bowl of rich meat soup, and fed it to Madenia sip by sip while Lanzadoni held her. As the pain-numbing effects of the willow-bark took hold, Madenia slipped into an exhausted sleep.

"Is she going to live?" asked Jerika.

"I think so, but it is really up to the Mother. If she doesn’t get a bad infection, she will recover fully in a moon or so. Not many people have totems, you know, and if they do, it’s considered very lucky. Look at Willomar and his Golden Eagle, and Ayla with her Cave Lion. A Snow Leopard isn’t quite a Cave Lion, but it’s powerful nonetheless. Madenia is a very lucky young woman." Echozar did as Jerika told him and went with Dalanar to the place where the fallen snow leopard lay. Already, a pair of hyenas were having a feast. The two men threw rocks at the scavengers to scare them off. One slunk away, but the other stood defiant until run through with a spear. As he retrieved his spear and helped Dalanar move the leopard carcass away, Echozar looked at the scruffy, stinking, corpse of the hyena and shuddered in revulsion.

"I can’t tell you how proud I am of you, Echozar, for saving Madenia. That took quick thinking and skill. Andovan lived long enough to teach you well. I can’t believe a snow leopard would attack someone. Cave lions will, and dirk-toothed tigers, and leopards - but I’ve never, ever heard of a snow leopard attacking someone. That’s so odd."

"Look at its teeth, how worn they are. And look at its scruffy coat and the ribs showing through. It was old, and starving. It must have been very desperate for a decent meal to try for someone as skinny as Madenia."

"Echozar!" Dalanar was shocked. "Madenia is a beautiful, charming and courageous young woman. She’ll make someone a good mate someday."

"She’s vain, she’s obsessed with her status, and she’s not anywhere near as beautiful as Joplaya." Echozar sighed. "I wish it were Joplaya I’d saved from the leopard. Then she’d want to mate with me. She wouldn’t have run away. I miss her." Echozar started to sob. "I’ll never love anyone as much as I love Joplaya! She was so kind, so generous, so full of fun. I miss her so much. I’ll never mate, I’ll never have a hearth with children." Echozar’s tears fell on the dismembered carcass of the snow leopard.

"I miss Joplaya too. She was the daughter of my hearth. And of Jerika’s children, she was the only one who lived. Having Joplaya gone has been harder on Jerika than on anyone," Dalanar said, a bit sharply. There were tears in his eyes. "But the Mother has her own path for Joplaya, and we must always accept the will of the Mother." Dalanar put his arm around Echozar’s shoulder. "Come on now, help me get everything back to the cave. I pray to Doni that Madenia will be all right." Echozar wondered what a Snow Leopard totem meant. He’d known so few people with totem spirits, and no one with a Snow Leopard. He’d have to ask Lanzadoni.

They started back to the Cave with the skin, teeth and claws they salvaged from the snow leopard carcass.

When they reached the cave, Jerika was there to greet them. She looked tired and strained, but not grieving.

"How is Madenia?" asked Dalanar.

"She's asleep now. Lanzadoni said she's lost a lot of blood, and there will be scarring, but the wounds aren't deep enough to cripple her. Unless there's serious infection, she will recover." Jerika looked at Echozar. "If you hadn't been there, she'd be a leopard's feast right now." She smiled. "You did well. You are a fine hunter and you should be proud of yourself."

"I only wish Joplaya had been there to see me." Madenia slowly opened her eyes. The last thing she remembered was the leopard attacking her, then pain and bleeding, then drifting in and out of consciousness. How could she have been so careless? She had the example of her mother’s mate, as well as other men from her Cave who had been killed in hunting accidents, to warn her. Carelessness could be fatal. Madenia was ashamed of herself. She had hunted before, she was usually so alert and mindful of her surroundings, but she had gotten distracted. Well, as soon as she recovered and it was springtime, off she’d go on the next leg of her Journey, leaving the "distraction" behind. She struggled to sit up on the bed platform, and a wave of pain washed over her. She glanced down at her shoulder and arm, which were heavily bandaged. Oh, Great Mother. I hope I can use my arm again. I can’t go back to the Losadunai crippled and useless. I’ll lose so much status, I’ll never get a mate, my mother will never stop reproaching me.

Lanzadoni and Jerika hurried over to her side when they saw she was awake.

"Madenia! You’re awake! Praise Doni. How are you feeling?" Lanzadoni hovered by Madenia’s side.

"I hurt, I’m dizzy, but I will be fine. Will I be able to use my arm again?"

"Yes, you should recover fully within a moon or so."

Madenia let out a great, gusty sigh of relief. "Thank the Mother! If I were crippled, I don’t know what I’d do." She looked around. "Where is Echozar? I want to thank him, if he hadn’t been there I would be walking in the next world now." He’d better not expect me to share Pleasures with him on account of that, thought Madenia. Gratitude is one thing, but…

"He’s out, salvaging the remains of the leopard. He’ll be back shortly," said Jerika. "When he comes in I’ll tell him you want to see him."

"Tell me, Lanzadoni, why a snow leopard? I’ve never heard of one attacking a person before. What does this mean?" Madenia, puzzled, turned to the shaman.

"The Snow Leopard chose you as his own, Madenia. He came for you, and you survived and proved yourself worthy of his test. He is your totem now."

"I have a totem? Like Ayla?"

"Yes. A Snow Leopard isn’t quite a Cave Lion, but it is powerful, and rare. The Snow Leopard gives strength and cunning and the power to overcome adversity. It also means, from what I know, that you are supposed to Serve the Mother." Madenia spent the next weeks recovering from her injuries. The wounds healed well; she would have permanent scars, but, luckily, no impairment. Still, her arm was stiff and sore, and while she was healing she could not leave the cave. Madenia spent her time sewing and doing beadwork as best she could and impatiently awaiting the arrival of spring and the time when she’d be fully recovered and ready to set out on her Journey again at last.

She bent over the beaded necklace she was making. Jerika had helped her bore a hole in the root of one of the canine teeth of the snow leopard which had attacked her. Madenia had strung it on a cord along with some mussel shell beads she had brought with her from the Losadunai. There! It was finished, and, Madenia thought with pride, a very handsome piece of work. Verdegia had taught her beadwork as soon as she could hold an awl; long years of practice and hard work had made Madenia into a fine artisan like her mother.

Madenia walked over to Echozar’s hearth, where he was making weapons. "Here. I made you this." She held out the necklace.

Echozar looked up. He looked at the necklace, then at Madenia. His bronze skin flushed deep vermilion. "For me?"

"Of course, for you! Who else is sitting here at your hearth? Let me put it on for you. Turn around and hold up your hair." Obediently Echozar put down the spear he was making and turned around. Madenia tied on the necklace so that the snow leopard tooth hung down in front."

"Its – its beautiful," he stammered, then suddenly smiled at her. "Thank you."

"The shells are mussel shells from one of the streams off the Mother River. I made the beads myself."

"They’re lovely. Where did you learn to do such fine beadwork?"

"My mother, Verdegia, is known throughout all the Caves of the Losadunai for her beadworking and stitching. She can sew anything, make beads out of anything, and she taught me from when I was a child. I’m not nearly as good as her, but maybe someday I will be. Mother always said ‘anything worth doing is worth doing well’. She made sure I was accomplished as befits my status."

At the word "status", Echozar lowered his eyes. He could have high status. He’s a good hunter, a good toolmaker, and intelligent. Too bad about the mixed spirits. He’ll never overcome that, not for all the skills the Mother might see fit to endow him with.

"I made something for you, too, Madenia." Echozar reached onto the storage platform and pulled out the snow leopard skin. "I cured it myself."

"It’s beautiful. And so soft! Where did you learn to cure hides? I thought that was women’s work."

"My mother taught me. She didn’t want to, but Andovan insisted I learn all her work as well as hunting and toolmaking. And so she did – flathead women always obey their men." He spat out the word "flathead" as if it were bitter poison. "It’s a good thing I learned, too, since I had to live on my own for so long…"

"You lived on your own? For years? That’s not easy! It’s a miracle you survived!" Madenia had heard of Those Who Served spending years by themselves as a test, but never an ordinary man. Certainly none who lived to tell about it. She looked at Echozar with new respect. "Yes, I did", Echozar continued. "I had no choice. My mother and Andovan were both dead, and I had no kin, no people. Flatheads thought I was deformed and unlucky, and Caves – well, to them I was an abomination, a half-animal, half-human creature to be chased away and tormented. One day I couldn’t take it anymore – I was sick and starving and so tired of being an outcast – that I wanted to go to the next world. So I jumped off a cliff into the river. But the Mother had other plans for me, and so She led Dalanar to me. He found me, brought me back to the Cave, and here I am."

Madenia wondered if her Cave was among those who drove Echozar away. She knew how most felt about those of mixed spirits – her own mother spoke of them with loathing – but to treat a defenseless young man so cruelly? That just didn’t seem right. Deep down, Madenia had always wondered about those of mixed spirits. Were they abominations? Did they deserve the harsh treatment usually meted out to them? She was never quite convinced, and now there was a human face upon their torments. She looked at Echozar and took a deep breath. "I remember last winter when I, too, wished the Mother would take me to the next world."

Echozar looked at Madenia, and narrowed his eyes. "Why? You, of all people, have everything to live for."

"I didn’t think so at the time." Madenia bit her lip. "One morning, I was out by the river setting snares. I was twelve years old, I hadn’t been a woman for very long or had my First Rites. The man of my hearth died a few moons before that" – Madenia choked on a sob – "and I went out to hunt and trap and set snares as often as I could, for my mother and myself. That morning, I thought I was alone by the river, but I wasn’t." Tears rolled down Madenia’s cheeks. "There was a – a man, if you could call him that, named Charoli, and a little band of friends he had. It was well known they raped flathead females, but this time…this time they wanted new prey. And I was the one who was there." Madenia covered her face with her hands and began to sob.

Echozar looked horrified. "They forced you? A young girl? I can’t believe anyone would do such a thing!"

"But they did, and I was in pain, and bleeding, and more than anything, there was the shame and the disgrace of it all. I went back to my Cave, and I lay down in my furs and pulled them over my head, and there I was, wishing I was dead. My mother was hysterical; I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk to her, and I refused to go through with First Rites, so more than anything, she feared the Mother would never bless me, there would be no grandchildren for her."

"So that is all your mother was worried about? Her precious status? What about you, Madenia?"

"Oh, she worried about me, all right, but you have to understand, I was – am her precious beautiful only daughter, she trained me from the day I was born to bring credit to my birth status, mate well, and have children."

"If you were ugly and didn’t know how to hunt well or work with your hands, would she love you?"

Echozar’s questions were really beginning to make Madenia feel uncomfortable. She hastened to change the subject. "Anyway, one day not long after we had visitors at our Cave. They turned out to be Ayla and Jondalar. Because of them, I decided to live. I planned and prepared for my Journey, had my First Rites last summer, and – here I am. I am alive, and so, it appears, are you." Madenia wiped the tears from her face and looked Echozar right in the eye. "I wonder what the Mother has planned next, for me and for you."

They sat there staring at each other. His eyes are beautiful, thought Madenia. As if her thoughts were spoken aloud, she blushed and looked away. "I must be getting back to the hearth. Thank you so much for the snow leopard skin, it’s beautiful."

"And thank you for the necklace. It’s beautiful too. I’ve never had anything like it."

"What? Joplaya did not make you one?" Madenia couldn’t help a little sarcasm.

"No. She did make me a tunic – but not jewelry. And not with Losadunai shell beads." Lanzadoni had decided that tonight was the perfect time to hold the long-delayed Mother Festival. Madenia’s arm had healed, and she had announced over supper a few days ago that she was ready to leave. She was, after, all, on a Journey.

"We cannot let you leave without first holding a Festival to Honor the Mother," Lanzadoni had told her. "Remember, we were going to hold one before, and then you were injured, so we couldn’t. I’m sure you know by now, visitors are the perfect excuse for a festival. Besides, I do not recall your honoring the Mother since you have been here," Lanzadoni said with a wink at Madenia.

Everyone was busy getting ready for the Festival. Lanzadoni was making her special contribution to the night’s festivities. They looked like small travelling cakes, but the fat they were made of had the buds of a certain plant mixed in and heated. The buds released their resin into the hot fat, which was then mixed with dried meat, fruit and grains in the manner of travelling cakes. When eaten, the plant resin would take effect and heighten the senses and release inhibitions, and contribute to the general joyous feeling of a Festival to Honor the Mother. They were, in fact, called "Mother-Cakes" by the Cave, as the plant that enhanced them was a special gift of the Great Earth Mother for the enjoyment of Her children. More of the plant leaves would be thrown on the hearth fires, releasing their smoke into the cave and adding to the atmosphere.

Lanzadoni planned to make sure that Madenia ate her share of the Mother-Cakes. It was high time she Honored the Mother. Lanzadoni was sure that Madenia had her eye on some young man; moreover, she was also sure that Madenia hadn’t shared Pleasures with anyone since her arrival at the Cave. With all the male spirits flying around the Cave for the Mother Festival, maybe the Mother will choose to bless Madenia tonight, thought Lanzadoni. If she were blessed, she couldn’t continue her Journey, at least until after the baby was born; and who knew, if she found herself pregnant, she might decide to stay. Yes, she had obligations to her own family, but maybe she could be persuaded to make a new life here at the Lanzadonii cave.

"I’m a woman-spirit trapped in a man’s body," thought Lanzadoni. "Maybe that has made me a good healer and Searcher, but it also meant no mate, no children, only the consolation of having the talent to Serve the Mother. If Madenia stayed, she could be my acolyte - a Snow Leopard totem gives unseen power. I’m middle-aged now, even if I were a real woman I probably couldn’t have a child, and my duties left me no real time to adopt one. If not my acolyte, then Madenia could be my daughter. She has her own mother, her own family, but if she took a mate, maybe she will stay." "Madenia, hurry! The feast is starting!"

Madenia checked her reflection one last time in the piece of black obsidian. Satisfied that every hair was in place, she smoothed her embroidered, yellow chamois tunic and joined the revelers. She had decided to wear the magnificent outfit that Ayla had given her, for the Mother Festival, and hoped it wasn’t too grand for the occasion.

"Madenia, how lovely you look!" Dalanar greeted her, and put his arm around her shoulders. "If all the Losadunai women are this beautiful, I must make a trading journey there soon!"

Madenia felt her face turning red. She liked Dalanar, but right now he reminded her a little bit too much of Jondalar, the son of his hearth, for Madenia’s comfort. Jondalar had been her first crush, and part of Madenia still regretted that he wasn’t the one to share her First Rites. Madenia knew that some women didn’t like it when their mates shared Pleasures with other women, even at Mother festivals, especially if the other woman was young and pretty. She wasn’t about to take a chance on making Jerika upset, especially after knowing Jerika’s history with the man of Madenia’s hearth, and her mother.

With relief, Madenia saw Lanzadoni beckon to her from the other side of the hearth. "Try these, Madenia", said Lanzadoni with a big smile. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "They are our Mother-Cakes, there is a special sacred ingredient in them which enhances the mood of a festival. You will want some birch beer, too, they can make you a bit thirsty."

Madenia took two of the cakes and a cup of birch beer. The cakes were delicious, and Madenia wondered what the sacred ingredient was. She thanked Lanzadoni and went to help herself to the feast.

After a little while, Madenia noticed she was feeling light-headed and euphoric – as well as extremely hungry. Lanzadoni was right, the cakes made her feel thirsty as well.

"A good thing we had plenty of food stored so we could have a big feast", she heard Jerika say. Madenia noticed that Jerika’s eyes were bloodshot. "Whatever the sacred plant of the Mother Lanzadoni uses, it makes people want to eat. And dance. Look, the dancing is starting. Let’s go."

Lanzadoni was throwing some strong-scented plant leaves on the hearth fires, and the cave was soon filled with a pungent smoke.

"Time to dance, everyone!" she called out. "Madenia! Show us a Losadunai dance!"

Madenia felt her head spinning, her senses heightening, and her inhibitions loosening. She loved to dance, and moved out to the center of the Cave and began a Losadunai women’s dance. The people watching Madenia applauded when she finished her Losadunai dance. Several young men immediately volunteered to show her various Lanzadoni dance moves. The intoxicants had taken effect, and the Festival was in full swing. Several couples, or groups, were already slipping off to various hearths and corners of the cave. Madenia wondered when, and if, she was going to find someone to honor the Mother with. Not that she hadn’t had offers...

There was a break in the music, and Madenia, hot, tired and thirsty, went off in search of refreshments. She was surprised to find herself moving unsteadily. The plant-infused cakes and numerous cups of birch beer she had ingested were making her head swim. Refilling her cup, she noticed someone sitting on the sidelines, not participating in the revelry.

"Echozar, what are you doing sitting there all by yourself? You’re missing out on all the fun!" Madenia felt herself slurring her words; it was as if her tongue was too large for her mouth. Her face was flushed and glistened with sweat, and strands of red-brown hair were loosening from her elaborate hairstyle.

"I don’t feel like dancing, and no one wants to dance with me anyway." Echozar looked glum.

"Who says no one wants to dance with you? I do," said Madenia, surprising herself. "Here, let me get you something to drink." She got up and returned with a cup of birch beer and one of the infused cakes. "Eat this, drink this. Then we’ll dance."

"Thank you, but no...I really don’t want to dance."

"Then at least eat and drink, and I will sit here and talk to you. You look so lonely."

"I hate Mother Festivals."

"You do?" asked Madenia, shocked. "Why?"

"Because...what woman would ever honor the Mother with an ‘abomination’? Joplaya is the only one who ever did, and she left." Echozar looked dangerously close to tears. Madenia got up, refilled his cup and hers, and sat back down.

"Don’t talk about sad things now, this is a Festival. Have some more beer."

"That’s a beautiful outfit." Echozar tentatively reached out to touch Madenia’s sleeve, and when he felt the soft leather under his hand he drew back as if it were red-hot. Madenia smiled and reached for his hand. He flushed crimson and tried to pull it away but Madenia held on fast.

"Thank you. It was a gift from Ayla, it was given to her by some people far to the east whose name I couldn’t pronounce now if I tried." Madenia smiled at Echozar. Her eyes gleamed green-gold.

I really shouldn’t do this... she thought muzzily, her head awhirl. I’ll regret it later...but Mother and my Cave aren’t here to see me...

Madenia reached up, put her arms around a startled Echozar, and kissed him full on the mouth. Echozar was unable to move. He could barely breathe. His head was spinning from the cakes and birch beer, and the beautiful, exotic Losadunai visitor had her arms around him and was kissing him, her mouth open and wet upon his, her long hair fallen free from its coils and beads and surrounding them in a damp, scented curtain. Her chamois tunic was the softest thing he had ever felt.

How can this be happening? He was ugly, his origins suspect, even though he had been adopted into the Lanzadonii, and gradually became accepted for his skills at hunting and toolmaking, still no woman would have him - except Joplaya, and even she did not love him enough to stay with him. Even she, after so many Zelandonii caves and a majority on the Council of Mothers had opposed their joining, had left for good, her heart and spirit broken.

Now here was Madenia pressing herself against him and kissing him as fervently as if she had found him the most desirable man in the Cave. Echozar knew that all the men of the Cave considered her extraordinarily beautiful, if not quite fleshy enough; in Echozar’s eyes Madenia suffered by comparison to Joplaya, his ideal. Still, Madenia was here, and judging by the way she was acting, maybe she didn’t find him so ugly after all. Perhaps Losadunai customs were different.

Echozar to his astonishment found himself returning Madenia’s kiss. She pressed herself against him, breathing heavily. He ran his hands over her tunic, feeling the soft, supple leather under his hands; and when he slipped them underneath her clothes she did not try to stop him. They fell entwined atop the furs on the bed platform. The next morning, Madenia awoke with a pounding headache, a sour stomach, and a mouth that felt like the inside of an owl’s nest. She also was in someone else’s sleeping furs, but that was to be expected the day after a Mother Festival. She glanced over and saw Echozar asleep next to her.

"Oh, Duna! What have I done? What could I possibly have been thinking?" Madenia groaned to herself. She hurried to gather up last night’s discarded finery and hasten back to the visitor’s hearth. After pulling on her everyday clothes, she started some water boiling and searched in her travelling pack for willow bark and chamomile to make tea. She couldn’t do anything about last night’s folly, but at least she could do something about how awful her head and stomach felt.

"If you’re making tea, please make me a cup. I smell willowbark and chamomile. Good choices." Madenia saw Lanzadoni smilling weakly at her from across the hearth. Lanzadoni was fully dressed, but looked as if she wished she were still in bed. "Where did you learn herbs for healing?"

"Everyone knows about willowbark, and I think most people know what chamomile does as well. I did learn some herb lore from Solandia, Losaduna’s mate, the one who taught us how to make soap. I thought it would be useful, for my Journey. It wouldn’t do for me to get sick and not know how to take care of myself."

"Perhaps you knew you were destined to Serve the Mother in some way," said Lanzadoni, taking the steaming woven cup of tea Madenia handed to her.

Perhaps it meant no such thing, thought Madenia to herself as she sat down by the hearth with her tea. Madenia had never thought of herself as having a particular Calling to Serve before. She’d be an artisan, like her mother, with a handsome, high-status mate who would adore her and provide for her and the children she would bear - after, that is, she returned from her Journey. Madenia had her whole life planned out, and she did not want to hear of anything that would disrupt her carefully laid plans.

Lanzadoni came over to sit beside Madenia. Both of them sipped their tea in silence. Then Lanzadoni said in a low voice, "I see you and Echozar honored the Mother last night. That is good. It is about time he got over Joplaya’s leaving and thought of finding a mate."

Madenia swallowed her tea the wrong way and had a coughing fit as some came out her nose. "Sharing Pleasures at a Mother Festival doesn’t mean anything," she sputtered.

"Sometimes it does. I’ve known men and women who have mated because they started out by sharing Pleasures at a festival and it grew into something deeper. I’ve known Echozar since I left the Zelandonii to join this cave as their Lanzadoni, and I’ve grown to like and respect him - just as most of the people in this Cave do. Most of the Zelandonii - except for Jondalar and his family, and Zelandoni herself - think of those born of mixed spirits as obscene jokes at the very best, and at the worst abominations that profane the Mother. I could never really accept that. You see, Madenia, I myself am different. The Mother gave me the body of a man, and the soul and spirit of a woman. I dress as a woman, and act as a woman, but my body and my parts are those of a man. I cannot make and bear life and yet my spirit will never mingle with that of a woman’s to start that new life. In compensation, the Mother has gifted me with the Talents of Healing, and Searching, and being able to travel in Her underworld. She has also given me the wisdom to see that those of mixed spirits are people just like the Zelandonii or Lanzadonii or Losadunai or any other of Her children. Only the Mother knows why spirits mix to form a child." Lanzadoni stared into the hearth fire. "Joplaya was a good woman, and a strong one, but she did not love Echozar the way he loved her. She loved another, who she could not have. Because of that and the opposition to her mating from so many of the Zelandoni, she decided to leave and Journey east. She said she planned to travel to Ayla’s adopted people, the Mamutoi."

Ayla’s adopted people? wondered Madenia to herself. She had assumed that Ayla had been born to the Mamutoi. "So Echozar was crushed when Joplaya left," Lanzadoni continued. "He wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk. I was afraid his spirit would just leave us, but then, the very morning before you arrived, Madenia, he told me of a dream he’d had about a snow leopard, and he felt that meant at the very least he should get up and go hunting. And ever since your arrival he’s gotten more and more like his old self. I think he’s very fond of you, even though he would never admit it even to himself, because to him no woman could possibly compare to Joplaya. And who knows, maybe Ayla is teaching the Zelandonii a thing or two about tolerance. She didn’t hide her background, she told them all about the son she bore..."

Background? Son she bore? "What do you mean?" asked Madenia.

"You mean Ayla didn’t tell you? She was raised by flatheads, I mean Clan, and she bore a mixed son. She had to leave her son behind when she left the Clan."

Madenia was too stunned to speak. Ayla, her heroine, the woman she wanted to be like, had been raised by a pack of flatheads? And bore a mixed child? Madenia couldn’t have been more shocked had she learned Ayla was raised by wolves or bears. Ayla had never told the Losadunai this. Laduni would never have allowed her in the Cave, and as for her mother, Verdegia would never have let a woman who bore a mixed-spirits child near her precious only daughter. What if some of the flathead spirits lingered near her, and caused Madenia to bear a mixed child? The consequences would be too horrendous to even think of. Still...it hadn’t made Jondalar turn away from her...and Ayla was blessed with a baby, who had probably already been born by this time.

"Excuse me, I really do have to pass water now," said Madenia politely and hurried out of the Cave. She really had to leave, if not today, then tomorrow. Things were turning into a real tangle here. Lanzadoni had decided in her mind to mate her to Echozar, have her Serve the Mother, and for all Madenia knew, get her to stay and settle with the Lanzadoni. That is just not going to happen, thought Madenia. First I want to continue my Journey. I have to see Ayla and her new baby, and Jondalar. I want to find out more about Ayla’s background. Then I want to see the Great Water, and after that I have to return to Mother and the Losadunai, as I promised. It most assuredly will not be with a mixed-spirits mate in tow. Mother would move her bowels right there on the cave floor if I brought Echozar home to her hearth. We’d be ostracized, driven away from the Cave. Among the Lanzadonii, the daughter of the headman’s mate might Promise herself to a mixed-spirits man and find everyone happy for her. But not amongst my people, not to mention my mother, and apparently not amongst the Zelandonii either. Besides all that, Echozar is ugly, and he’s shorter than me. I don’t know why I spent the night with him after the Festival. I must have been more intoxicated than I thought. Well, it most certainly is not going to happen again!

Having finished what she needed to do, Madenia returned to the cave. She greeted Dalanar and Jerika, who were awake but bleary-eyed, and avoided Echozar, who seemed as eager to avoid her as she was to avoid him, which was just as well.

"I have decided that I must leave tomorrow," Madenia told Jerika. "It’s springtime, the weather is safe for travelling, and while I am grateful for your kindness, I must be on my Journey. I want to see Jondalar, and Ayla and her baby." Madenia took her leave of the Lanzadonii with a mixture of regret and relief. Dalanar, Jerika and Lanzadoni had been kind and generous during her visit. They told Madenia they were sorry to see her leave and that she would be welcome to come back again on her return to her own cave. Leaving Echozar behind was another matter. Since the morning after the Mother Festival, he had avoided Madenia, refusing to speak to or look at her. His behavior reminded Madenia of a sullen and badly behaved child. Good riddance, she thought to herself, and was surprised by the pang of regret that followed.

She put on her pack-frame, made heavier by the addition of provisions pressed upon her by Jerika, and also by her leopard-skin. Lanzadoni hugged her tightly.

"Until you return," she said.

Madenia set off to the south-west, following the directions Dalanar had given her to the country of the Zelandonii. It was a pleasant journey; the spring weather was mild and pleasant, the countryside provided an abundance of small animals, fish and greens to eat, and Madenia was on her way to see two of the people she admired most and looked forward to seeing again. She couldn’t wait to see if Ayla had a boy or a girl, and what the baby looked like.

One evening, after a meal of fresh-caught river trout and young greens, Madenia was sitting by the small fire she made, her chin on her knees. I wonder if I’ll find a mate among the Zelandonii, she mused. A man like Jondalar, tall, strong, and handsome, who will love me as much as Jondalar loves Ayla. Or Echozar loved that Joplaya woman, for that matter. Love can be so complicated if you love someone who doesn’t love you back. That is never going to happen to me, I don’t want to be sulky and miserable day and night like Echozar was.

She glanced up at the moon, and saw that it was waxing. She said to herself, "I should have had my moon time by now, and I haven’t. Maybe whatever I ate in those Mother-Cakes at that festival made me late. Or maybe it’s the travelling, I’ve known women who skipped a moon-time or two if they’ve been travelling a lot. That’s it, I’ve just skipped a moon because of my Journey. I’ll get it any day now." She checked her pack to make sure she had the leather straps and mouflon wool she used, then undressed and crawled into her sleeping furs.

The next morning, Madenia was awakened by a wave of nausea. She dragged herself out of her sleeping furs and ran behind a bush to throw up.

"Oh, Great Mother!" she thought. "I hope that fish wasn’t bad. How could it be, when I just caught it?" Then she glanced down and saw her breasts. "I am huge! When did that happen? No wonder my tunic fit so tight." Then realization hit her, and she sat down, stark naked, on the cold damp ground.

"Oh Duna...I’ve started a baby! No wonder, that Lanzadonii cave was full of male spirits."

The ground was chilly and covered with dew, and Madenia was shivering. She hurried to get dressed and start a fire going for breakfast.

"If Mother knew, she’d be thrilled. It will be her first grandchild. It’s not very convenient to get blessed on one’s Journey. A good thing I’m almost to the Zelandonii. Ayla will know what to do." Ayla was doing what she always loved to do, finding and gathering herbs to replenish her pharmacopoeia. She had familiarized herself with many of the Zelandoni herbs, as well as locating ones she knew from her life with the Clan and in her valley. It seemed to Ayla that her new baby daughter, strapped to her back, was already taking an interest in watching her mother gather herbs. Ayla was pleased. The baby would be a medicine woman of her line.

Sooner than she thought, Ayla had travelled quite a ways east of the Ninth Cave in search of the perfect herb plants. She had filled her collecting basket quite full, stopping every now and then to nurse her baby and eat. The sun was getting low in the sky, and Ayla thought she had better be getting back. Jondalar always worried about her if she stayed away from the Cave too long. The thought of Jondalar brought a blush to Ayla’s cheeks and a smile to her lips.

Just then, Ayla looked up from her gathering and saw a small figure in the distance. She stood up and shaded her eyes to get a better view. The person in the distance was far away, but coming closer. A woman, judging by the slight build, long braids, and walk. Alone, and with a pack on her back. It was not unknown for women to travel alone, but they did it less often than men.

The woman was close enough now to be clearly visible. She saw Ayla, and, smiling, started to hurry forward, hands outstretched. Her clothes were not Zelandonii, and she had pierced ears with bone earplugs in the lobes. Her face was long and oval, with large hazel eyes above high cheekbones. Where had she seen that face before? Then realization hit Ayla. The woman was grown and confident now, not the shy, traumatized girl she had remembered, but still recognizable.

"Madenia! Is that you?"

The woman shouted with joy and ran towards Ayla as fast as her packframe would permit. "Ayla! Ayla! It is me! I missed you! I made a Journey just to see you and Jondalar!"

The two women embraced and kissed with fervor. Then Ayla said, "There is someone else whom you must meet. Madenia of the Losadunai, meet Mariza of the Zelandonii, newest member of the Ninth Cave." "She’s beautiful, Ayla!" exclaimed Madenia. "She’s one of the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen. Is she a child of Jondalar’s spirit?"

"Why yes, of course she is," Ayla smiled. "How could you tell?"

"She looks just like him." It was true. Baby Mariza had Jondalar’s violet-blue eyes, blond hair, and face shape; she even had his expressions. Madenia had never seen a baby who was so obviously of one man’s spirit before. She wondered which spirit had gone into the making of her own child. There were so many male spirits in the Lanzadonii cave, it was hard to tell. Some male spirits could even have followed her from the Losadunai. Madenia fervently hoped that Charoli’s spirit hadn’t followed and found her. It would be just like him, to do something that vindictive. Ever since the punishment ritual which removed his manhood, Charoli had been a seething cauldron of resentment. He was heavily guarded, and not permitted to wander far beyond his cave’s boundaries; still, Madenia felt the potential for him to wreak evil in some way was there.

"Mariza is such a pretty name for the baby," said Madenia. "Is it Zelandoni?"

"Not really. Iza was my mother’s name, and since Marthona, Jondalar’s mother, has been so good to us, Jondalar and I both thought it would be nice to honor her as well in naming the baby. So we combined the names and thought of Mariza. I agree, it’s a beautiful name for the most beautiful baby in the world. You should see Jondalar with her. Anyone would think he was the baby’s mother, the way he fusses over her. Especially because she is of his spirit, he is the proudest, most doting man of the hearth I have ever seen."

"Mother said that Alexi, her mate, was that way when I was born. Even though I am not sure I am of his spirit. I don’t look anything like him. Oh, Ayla, speaking of babies, guess what?"

Ayla smiled. "What?"

"Duna has blessed me with a child, too! I just realized it. I should have known it would happen, with my staying in the Lanzadonii cave for so long. Too bad I’m on my Journey, Mother would be so pleased. And I don’t know what to do, I can’t travel much when I’m pregnant and I don’t know how I am going to get back to the Losadunai with a baby."

"I’m sure we’ll figure out something," Ayla reassured her. "In the meantime, congratulations! Of course, with you being pregnant, we’re going to have so many young men visiting the Ninth Cave it’s going to be overrun. You may just decide to mate and settle here. You’ll be in much demand, you know."

"Yes, I suppose I will." Madenia frowned for a moment. Why didn’t the thought of so many eligible young men courting her bring her more joy? "Ayla, what’s this about your being brought up by flatheads? And having a child of mixed spirits? You didn’t tell us."

Ayla sighed. "It’s a long story. I’ll tell you on the way back to the Cave. We’d better get going, or Jondalar is going to be frantic." Madenia and Ayla set off together toward the Ninth Cave. Madenia wanted to hear about Ayla’s life with the Clan. This was something she never knew about the woman she idolized. Ayla told Madenia about the earthquake which separated her forever from her birth mother, taking refuge in a small cave and being clawed by a cave lion, and then wandering feverish and disoriented until falling unconscious. When Ayla was near death, Iza, the Clan medicine woman, found her and nursed her back to health, and she and Creb raised and loved the child, and taught her all they could...until Broud’s hatred grew so strong that when he became leader, he cursed Ayla with death. Most of all, there was Durc, Ayla’s beloved firstborn, whom she had to leave behind when she was driven from the only home she ever knew.

"Oh, Ayla, I am so sorry!" Madenia’s eyes were filled with tears. "I can’t imagine having to leave behind one’s own child. I know that even though my own baby has just started, I love it already. And so that is how you came to live in your valley, and tame your horse, and meet Jondalar?"

"Yes, that is where my life with the Others - that is what the Clan call our kind - begins."

"You say you were taught medicine by your Clan mother?"

"She was the best, and said I too would be the best one day. Jondalar would not be alive if it wasn’t for the skills I was taught by my mother."

Madenia walked alongside Ayla, deep in thought. If Ayla had been raised by flatheads - no, Clan, Madenia corrected herself - then they were not animals, after all, no matter what Laduni and her mother and so many others had said. Echozar was certainly human, Madenia knew that. For a moment she wished Echozar had come along with her.

"Why?" she wondered. "I thought I was so happy to leave him behind, and now I find that I miss him. Maybe I’m just tired, and need to eat and sleep."

"What did you just say?"

Madenia hadn’t realized she had spoken aloud. She turned beet red. "Ah...nothing, I’m thinking I must be really hungry." She paused. "Echozar told me about his mother, and how she was given a death curse. Is that the same as what happened to you?"

"Yes, it was. It’s a terrible thing, Madenia - everyone turns away from you, they won’t talk to you, won’t even look at you, because in their eyes, you are dead, and only a troublesome spirit that must be driven away." Ayla looked as if she was about to cry. She sniffed and blinked back her tears, then said, "How do you know Echozar? Did you stay at the Lanzadonii cave on your way here?"

"I crossed the glacier in early winter after the ice hardened. After crossing it, I met Dalanar and Echozar, who were out hunting, and invited me to the Cave. Then Jerika insisted I spend the winter there because it was dangerous to travel alone. I couldn’t have left if I wanted to, because shortly after I arrived, I was attacked and nearly killed by a snow leopard. Echozar killed it, and saved my life. So I stayed until spring, and if Lanzadoni had her way, I’d still be there. She said that the Snow Leopard was my totem now, and also that I was destined to Serve the Mother. I know Lanzadoni wanted me to stay, but I had to leave. I made my Journey to see you and Jondalar anyway."

"I am so glad to see you, Madenia, and I know Jondalar will be too. You have grown up so much, I can’t believe it’s only been a cycle of the seasons since I last saw you. You’re a grown woman now, and even taller than I am. I can’t believe you made such a long Journey all by yourself. I am so proud of you, and I know your mother would be, too."

"Persuading Mother to let me make the Journey was the hardest part of all," Madenia laughed. "I wound up promising to come back and settle down and start having children when I was done. She will be surprised when I come back with a child already in my arms." "I want to hear all about your Journey, and I also want to talk to you about your totem. A Snow Leopard is rare and powerful. I know the rest of the Cave will want to hear the story of your Journey, and Zelandoni will talk to you about your totem as well. You can tell us all about your Journey over the evening meal. Look, there’s the cave up ahead."

Madenia looked where Ayla pointed. "It’s big. How many people live there?"

"At least fifty, maybe even more. It’s one of the biggest Caves I have ever lived in." Ayla looked troubled for a moment. "Madenia, I have to tell you about the Cave. I must warn you, not everyone may be pleasant or welcoming. There is a lot of bad feeling towards Jondalar and me, mostly because of my background and the fact that I am not ashamed of being raised by the Clan. It’s caused a lot of dissension, and frankly, there are still those who wish Jondalar and I would just leave. Because of Marthona, Willomar, Zelandoni, and also Joharran’s better instincts, we weren’t forced out. It hasn’t been easy, though. It’s something you should know."

"Whoever wanted you to leave are fools. If I were the Cave headwoman, I’d never force you to leave. I’d want you to stay. You have so much to offer any Cave, Ayla. How can they not see it?"

"People hate the Clan, Madenia. They think Clan are animals, and that any woman who bears a child of mixed spirits is loathsome and to be shunned. Of course, mixed-spirits children are a profanation of the Mother to them." Ayla sighed.

Madenia said, "I’d just better not have a mixed-spirits child, then! I did stay in the Lanzadonii cave, after all. I’ll ask the Mother to be sure that my baby is not mixed. Now, who are all these people you are telling me about - Marthona, and Willomar, and Joharran?"

"Joharran is the leader. He is Jondalar’s brother, they have the same mother. She is Marthona, and Willomar is her mate. You’ll like both of them. Marthona does beautiful stitchery, just like you, and Willomar often journeys and trades. You’ll want to hear his stories. Folara is Marthona’s daughter, Jondalar’s younger sister. She’s a year or two older than you, and I think you’ll get along well with her. Now Joharran - he is not a bad man, and he loves Jondalar, but he has a mate who is - let’s just say she’s a bad influence. Her name is Tasina, and she’s a cousin to a woman named Marona, who wanted to mate with Jondalar. Here we are at the Cave." "Here we are at the Ninth Cave, Madenia!" Ayla waved to the people gathered outside the cave. A tall figure detached itself from them and ran towards the two women.

"Ayla, where have you been? You shouldn’t go so far from the Cave, especially with the baby! We were starting to get worried." Madenia immediately recognized the man as Jondalar. He was still breathtakingly handsome, and as much in love with Ayla as ever. She sighed. A small part of her would still have loved to share Pleasures with him, but Madenia now knew that would probably never happen. She smiled at Jondalar with happiness and a little regret, and extended her hands.

"Jondalar of the Zelandonii, do you remember me?"

"Why, Madenia! You’re all grown up! And even more beautiful than I remembered! It is a pleasure" – Jondalar winked – "to see you again. I see you’ve met the most beautiful girl of all the Zelandonii?" He took Mariza from Ayla’s arms. "Is she not perfect and adorable? She never cries!" Jondalar made cooing noises at Mariza, who responded by doing her best to grab handfuls of his hair. "In the name of the Great Earth Mother, you are always welcome at the Ninth Cave of the Zelandonii, Madenia. You have made a long Journey. Did you cross the glacier all by yourself?"

"Yes, I did," said Madenia with pride. "I had been planning this Journey ever since I waved goodbye to you and Ayla when you left last winter. I had to see you again. And of course I wanted great adventures!"

"And she has already had some, it seems," said Ayla. "Here are some people I would like you to meet. Marthona, Willomar, and Folara, this is Madenia of the Losadunai, daughter of Verdegia of the Hot Well Cave. Marthona is Jondalar’s mother, and the former leader. Willomar is her mate, and Folara is her daughter."

"In the name of Donii, the Great Earth Mother, you are welcome, Madenia of the Losadunai," Marthona greeted her with a smile. She was a tall and handsome woman, with dark brown hair streaked with gray, slate-blue eyes, and strong features. Willomar was shorter than her, with a pleasant face and light brown hair. Folara was a young version of her mother, and wore a deerskin shirt and long skirt woven of plant fibers. Madenia noticed it immediately.

"Your skirt is beautiful! Did you weave it yourself?

"Yes, I did. It took a long time to make, but it was well worth the effort. I love to weave and do stitchery."

"I do too!" Madenia exclaimed. "Verdegia, my mother, is the best weaver and stitcher in my tribe, and she taught me. I’m not nearly as good as her, but perhaps one day I will be. I wove a skirt myself, but I didn’t pack it for my Journey. There is only so much I had room for in my pack."

"Come on in and I will show you some of my work," said Folara. The two young women went into the Cave, talking about fibers, quills, and stitching techniques. Willomar shook his head.

"I know what those two are going to be talking about for the next few days. They’ll be as bad as you and the flint-knappers, Jondalar."

Ayla, Jondalar, Willomar and Marthona followed Madenia and Folara into the cave.

Folara took Madenia over to the big central hearth. "Zelandoni, First Among Those Who Serve the Mother, this is Madenia of the Losadunai. She met Ayla and Jondalar on their Journey back home, and now she’s made her own Journey to visit them."

"In the name of the Mother, you are welcome. Come and put your things on the bed platform. You will be staying at my hearth, of course. And all of us want to hear about your Journey. I also see that Doni has blessed you." Madenia thought she had never seen anyone as strikingly beautiful as Zelandoni, except perhaps for Ayla. Zelandoni was of medium height, with generous curves. Curling, golden-brown hair framed her oval face, her features were small and perfect, her eyes were the blue-green color of Mother River shells. This, then, was the High Priestess Zelandoni with whom Madenia would be staying. She suddenly felt tall, gawky, young and travel-stained.

"In the name of the Mother, I greet you, Zelandoni, and thank you for your hospitality." Madenia wondered how Zelandoni knew she was pregnant. It must be one of those things that They Who Serve could intuit.

"And this is Joharran, leader of the Ninth Cave, and his mate, Tasina." Joharran was the first to greet the visitor. "In the name of Doni, you are welcome." His eyes appraised Madenia with approval. He didn’t look much like Jondalar, even though he was tall, well-built and handsome. Joharran had brown hair and green eyes. He carried himself with authority, although he lacked Jondalar’s intensity.

"Really, Joharran, you ought to let go of our visitor’s hands." The voice was almost child-like, and very sweet. Too sweet, Madenia thought at once. It was as cloying as that syrup made from tree-sap, which her mother sometimes made.

"Madenia, is it? Welcome." For some reason Madenia didn’t feel particularly welcomed. "We are the Zelandonii, as you know, and this is the Ninth Cave, which is the most distinguished of all the Zelandonii caves.I am Tasina, mate of the leader." Tasina was small and slender, with hair as black as mirror-stone and very white skin. Her eyes were an astonishing color – not the gentian blue-violet of Jondalar’s, but a true purple, like amethysts. Tasina was, in her own way, as beautiful as Ayla or Zelandoni. Madenia felt more self-conscious than ever. She was used to being the prettiest one in a crowd, but here it looked as if she was going to have some serious competition.

Tasina continued, in her too-sweet voice, "So you Journeyed here all by yourself. How remarkable. I didn’t know Losadunai made Journeys. Or wore earrings, for that matter." She smiled a supercilious little half-smile. "We have a good meal cooking over the hearth, our hunters were very lucky today. You certainly look as if you could use a good meal. I suppose it’s awfully hard for a woman travelling alone to feed herself properly."

Madenia was outraged. Her people, ignorant, undecorated savages? She, Madenia, who had hunted for herself and her mother, incapable of providing her own food on her Journey? This Tasina woman said the rudest things in that sweet voice. Already, Madenia disliked her intensely. She was glad that she was going to be staying at Zelandoni’s hearth.

Madenia looked down at Tasina and said in her most polite voice, "Yes, many Losadunai women wear earrings. Some wear labrets in their noses, and if a woman Serves the Mother, she tattoos herself. As for feeding myself – the man of my hearth died when I was a girl and I have hunted for myself and my mother since then. I have always been thin, no matter what I eat. I could eat a whole roast mammoth and still be thin. And I won’t be this way for long, because, as it happens, Duna has blessed me with a child. Where are the children of your hearth?" Madenia hadn’t noticed any children accompanying Joharran and Tasina, and she couldn’t resist getting her own barb in.

Two bright spots of color appeared on Tasina’s cheeks, and her violet eyes went cold and hard. Before she could say anything, Folara interrupted, "Doni has not seen fit to bless Tasina with any children yet." She smirked.

Joharran was still looking at Madenia, so intensely that she blushed. He sighed and turned to his mate. "Let’s go eat our meal and listen to the stories our visitor has to tell us. I am sure she has many to tell." Tasina gritted her teeth, glared, and followed after Joharran. The rest of the group joined them. The delicious smell of venison stew wafted over from Zelandoni’s hearth. She and Marthona had spent most of the afternoon preparing dinner with the reindeer that the hunters had triumphantly brought back to the Cave. The stew was thick with meat, grains and vegetables, and there were little cakes of grain sweetened with honey for dessert. It was a sumptuous feast and Madenia stuffed herself.

As Marthona and Zelandoni urged seconds and thirds upon everyone, Madenia told of her adventures. She told of crossing the glacier, and staying at the cave of the Lanzadonii.

"How are Dalanar and Jerika?" asked Jondalar.

"They are well and happy, considering the sorrows they have suffered. Jerika’s daughter left on a Journey and she is probably never coming back. And Hochaman, her mother’s mate, died in the autumn. So there was not much joy in the Cave when I arrived. Dalanar and Jerika were generous and hospitable, and Lanzadoni treated me like her own daughter. She even wanted me to stay and be her acolyte. Of course, I couldn’t, but it was kind of her."

"And how is Echozar?" Ayla enquired. Tasina made a face.

"Let’s not talk about such filth over dinner," she said, daintily nibbling on a wild carrot. "It might ruin our guest’s appetite to talk of abominations. Why Dalanar didn’t just kill it when he found it is beyond me."

"How dare you talk about Echozar like that!" Madenia glared at Tasina. "He’s a human being, not an abomination, and he saved my life when a snow leopard almost killed me." Beside her, Madenia felt Ayla squeeze her hand. She caught Jondalar’s eye. He smiled at her, reassuringly. Madenia knew she shouldn’t be rude to the leader’s mate, but in this case the leader’s mate was beyond rude, and she felt justified in losing her temper. "If there’s one thing I’ve learned when I stayed at the Lanzadoni cave, it’s that mixed-spirits people - yes, PEOPLE - are not abominations. Only the Mother knows why spirits are mixed, and so if a man of mixed spirits is born, it is the will of the Mother! Do you question the rightness of the Mother, Tasina?"

Tasina turned to Joharran. "Well? Are you going to let this chit of a girl speak to me like that?"

Joharran looked intensely uncomfortable. "Now, Tasina..."

"Now, Tasina, what? She’s spent the whole winter in a cave with that obscene joke of a mixed-spirits abomination that Dalanar took in, now she’s saying a snow leopard attacked her and the mixed-spirits creature saved her life! She has to be lying, Joharran. Everyone knows that snow leopards don’t attack people. And she’s expecting a child, too. What if it’s a mixed spirits child? There are probably flathead spirits all over that Cave! What if she births an abomination to pollute our Cave?"

"This one did!" Madenia took off her tunic to show the scars. She realized was standing half-naked in front of the whole Cave, and saw Joharran’s eyes practically pop out of his head. "See my arm and shoulder? I just missed being leopard food!" Madenia put her tunic back on and sat down.

Just then, Mariza woke up, disturbed by the quarreling, and began to cry. Ayla put her to nurse, which comforted her.

Joharran suddenly jumped up and took Tasina by the arm. "Come with me, right now! I want to talk to you!" Tasina looked shocked. Joharran dragged her back to their hearth and closed the hide covering to the partition around it. Madenia could hear hissing, angry voices from within the hearth boundaries.

Marthona and Willomar were politely and assiduously concentrating on their food. Zelandoni leaned over and murmured to Madenia, "You were perfectly justified in letting Tasina have it. I am surprised that Joharran stood up to her. When he first mated her, he adored her so much that he did anything she asked. He almost turned Jondalar and Ayla - his own kin - out of the Cave because of her. I’ve always stood up to her, because I see through her. So does Ayla. Most people are so dazzled by her beauty they don’t notice her venom. Tasina notices Joharran looking at you, and she is going to try to make your life miserable. I won’t let her, and neither will Ayla. Ayla has told me all about you, and I had a vision of your Journeying to the Zelandonii. I am very glad you are staying here, and I want to talk to you tomorrow about your totem." Zelandoni smiled. "Now I think you must be exhausted, and you have a baby to consider now. It’s time for bed." Echozar walked down to the woods by the river to check on the snares he had set the day before. He was pleased to find that he had caught a few red foxes. While not as highly prized as white winter fox furs, red was still valued.

"These furs would look lovely on Madenia," Echozar thought to himself, and then remembered that Madenia had left the Lanzadonii cave earlier in the spring. She was determined to continue on to the Zelandonii and see Ayla and Jondalar. Echozar felt a pang of longing when he thought of Madenia, and was surprised at himself. Ever since she had left, he had hardly thought of Joplaya. Instead, to his surprise, he fiercely missed Madenia. Echozar was ashamed of himself. He loved Joplaya. How could he forget her so fast? And for someone like Madenia, who would never even think of mating him? Echozar wondered, not for the first time, if he would ever have what he longed for beyond anything else in the world – his own hearth with a mate and children.

He walked back to the Cave with the snared foxes. He thought briefly of going to the Zelandonii and tracking down Madenia, just to see her again. He thought of the night of the Festival and smiled. The morning after, he had felt guilty, feeling that he had betrayed Joplaya’s memory. But Joplaya was gone, and Madenia had been the one to throw herself at him. They had both been intoxicated, but…perhaps she could be persuaded to share Pleasures with him again. Echozar shook his head. Of course she wouldn’t. A beautiful woman like her and an "abomination?" She had to be pretty drunk. Besides, if she was staying with the Ninth Cave, there was Tasina to contend with. Both Tasina and her brother, who was the zelandoni for the Fifth Cave, so loathed Echozar that he knew that if they could have killed him, they would have. No, going to the Zelandonii was out of the question.

What would he do then? Was he to spend the rest of his life in the Lanzadonii cave, unmated, with no woman and children to bring a hearth and love? Was he to spend the rest of his life skulking around ashamed of his birth, afraid to face strangers and Zelandonii alike out of fear and self-abasement? That seemed to Echozar like a fate worse than death. What had he done to deserve this? Did even the Mother loathe him and want him to be lonely and miserable? He decided he was going to have to talk to Lanzadoni. If anyone could help him, she could. The next morning, Madenia was awakened by a surge of nausea. As quickly as she could, she ran outside the cave to throw up, and just made it. Exhausted, she slumped down and closed her eyes. She felt a jolt, and then a further wave of nausea. A few minutes later, she opened her eyes and was startled to find herself floating. This was extraordinary. Was she in the spirit world? She could see the top of the Cave, and the countryside for a great distance around. If I’m not in the spirit world, maybe I’ve changed myself into a dunai or a bird, Madenia thought. She was surprised at the peacefulness she felt. I should be panicked, but I’m not. This is really a rather nice feeling. I wonder what else I can see?

Madenia wondered how she was to get herself moving. She thought about going south, and immediately found herself floating in that direction. She looked down and saw Tasina, packframe on her back, striding briskly south-east. Madenia floated downward for a closer look. She heard Tasina gasp in fright, and with that was jolted back toward the Ninth Cave. She felt a lurch and a jolt, and heard Ayla calling her.

"Madenia? Madenia! What’s wrong? Are you all right?" Madenia twitched and her eyes opened. She saw the concerned faces of Ayla and Zelandoni looking down upon her.

"It may be almost summer but you cannot just sit on the damp ground like that, Madenia. Come on inside and put some clothes on and have breakfast." Ayla looked worried. "You must be really sick. You were just sitting there all slumped over."

"I think something else was going on," Zelandoni said. "I am sure Madenia was feeling sick but that is not all there is to it."

Ayla and Zelandoni helped Madenia back to the visitor’s hearth, and while Madenia got dressed, Ayla prepared a steaming cup of herb tea and got out a dried licorice root from her medicine bag.

"Sit down, Madenia, drink the tea and chew on the licorice root. That will help your nausea." Madenia did as she was told. The licorice root not only made her feel better, it tasted sweet and delicious. Ayla and Zelandoni sat on either side of Madenia and sipped their own cups of tea.

"Perhaps you’d better tell me what was going on. When we found you, you were practically unconscious. A pregnancy shouldn’t make you that sick, even if it is your first." Zelandoni looked at Madenia. "Were you Searching?"

"I...I don’t know if you’d call it that," Madenia stammered. "I woke up feeling very sick, and ran outside because I had to throw up, and next thing I know I’m flying as if I were a bird. Then I was so startled I...I snapped back, or something like that, and next thing I knew you and Ayla were there asking if I were well."

"Has this ever happened to you before?"

"I remember once or twice when I was a little girl, I found myself floating, or flying, or whatever you call it. Once I decided to ‘follow’ two of my brothers on a hunting trip. When I told my mother what happened, she told me never to mention it to anyone and not to do it again. I think she didn’t want our Losaduna deciding I was meant to Serve the Mother, because of the possibility I would not mate or have children, or I would leave her. The Losaduna of our cave is a mated man with children, but he is an exception."

"Did you see anything when you were in doni form?"

"Not much. I saw the top of the Cave, some of the countryside. And I saw Tasina, who looked like she was travelling. She had a packframe on. I think she might have seen me, too." Madenia thought to herself that the thought of Tasina leaving the Ninth Cave was a very pleasant one. Madenia hoped she would not hurry back.

"Tasina did leave this morning. She left very early and very abruptly, hardly saying goodbye to anyone. She told Joharran she had some ‘urgent matters’ to discuss with her brother, who is the zelandoni for the Fifth Cave, where Tasina is from. I think Joharran may be ready to sever the knot with her at last, and she doesn’t want that to happen. Tasina loves the status that comes with being a leader’s mate, and she is desperate to have a child; she probably thinks Joharran won’t leave her if she can have a baby. He wants a child of his hearth very, very badly."

"Why didn’t she go to you for help? You’re the High Priestess Zelandoni." Madenia felt a chill go up her spine. For some reason, she was very afraid. Tasina was almost certainly up to no good.

"To be honest with you, Madenia, I would welcome it if Joharran put Tasina aside for a more congenial woman. Tasina has a beautiful face but a poisonous spirit, and her zelandoni brother, Armonar, is much like her. I refused to take him on as acolyte. I didn’t like him then, and I don’t like him now. Another zelandoni took him on as her acolyte, and now Armonar is the zelandoni for the Fifth Cave. Rumor has it that he uses his power for selfish ends. Several young women have died in childbirth since he became zelandoni, and I have heard - though no one has proven - that they died because he stole their souls. I don’t like the feeling I have that Tasina has gone back to her home Cave to cook up some nefarious plot with her brother’s help. I hope she will just stay away, so Joharran can sever the knot with her and find a woman who can have a child and who isn’t perpetually causing trouble."

Madenia shuddered. She hoped Tasina was not going to bring her brother back for a visit. She didn’t want to die bearing this baby, or have her soul trapped in some magician’s power.

"Madenia, you were Searching, because what you saw was true. Tasina was on her way back to her cave. Your Snow Leopard totem gives great power in the unseen realms. You probably had the Searching ability from when you were a child, but suppressed it until now. You need training to develop and properly use your powers, and a safe place to stay until your baby is born. Ayla and I will provide both for you. I feel your pregnancy is going to be a bit difficult, you are quite young still and there is something else I can’t quite put my finger on."

Ayla, who had been listening quietly the whole time, spoke up. "Perhaps Madenia is bearing a child of mixed spirits." Madenia’s face turned chalk white. She was dizzy; she thought she was going to be sick all over again. "What...what makes you think that, Ayla?" she whispered.

"Something about your pregnancy reminded me of when I was pregnant with Durc," Ayla told her. That was a half-truth; Madenia was indeed sick a lot, and did remind Ayla of when she was carrying Durc, but there was more to it than that. Her Clan upbringing had taught her to observe the smallest signals of a person’s body and facial language. She had seen Madenia’s reactions whenever Echozar’s name was mentioned, and intuited that something had happened between them. Ayla hoped this was true. Mixed spirits or no, Echozar should have a mate, and Madenia was quite a catch. And if Madenia loved him, so much the better.

"Madenia, tell me, did you and Echozar share Pleasures when you stayed at the Lanzadonii cave?"

Madenia nodded and then burst into tears. As if in sympathy, Mariza awoke and began to cry herself. Ayla rocked the baby and crooned to her, while Zelandoni put her arm around the sobbing Madenia. "Hush, my dear, don’t cry, everything will work out. You won’t be cast out of the Cave, I promise." She looked at Ayla. "I know you have this...belief of yours, that men start babies, Ayla, but I have to make you promise again, never, ever to mention it. Whether or not it is true - and I’m not saying it isn’t - it could be dangerous in the wrong hands." For a moment, Zelandoni looked fearful. Then she turned to Madenia and her tone resumed its calm authority. "No matter what spirits have gone into the making of your child, you will have a home here until the baby is born. Neither Joharran, Marthona nor I will turn a sick and pregnant woman out into the woods."

Madenia was crying hysterically and wailing in Losadunai, "The baby can’t be mixed! It just can’t! What will my mother and brothers think of me? I’ll disgrace my family and Mother will just die of the shame! How could I do this? Oh, what have I done?" She screwed up her face and wailed. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot and streamed tears.

Zelandoni shook her. "Stop that! Stop that right now! No one can understand a word you’re saying. You’ll make yourself even sicker. Please, calm down!" Zelandoni put her arms around Madenia and patted her on the back to comfort her. "Ayla, please boil water and make some valerian tea for Madenia, she needs to calm down."

Holding Mariza in one arm, Ayla did as she was told. "Zelandoni, I understood what she was saying. I speak some Losadunai, it is very close to Zelandonii. She was saying that if she came home from her Journey with a mixed child, her whole family would be disgraced.She is an only daughter, and her children are also her brother’s children and her mother’s grandchildren." Ayla bit her lip, then said, "Madenia, do you want to take something to make you lose the child?" Ayla hated to make the suggestion; she didn’t feel it was right to make a young and healthy woman miscarry her first child, but it might be for the best in this case.

"Yes! No! I don’t know," Madenia wailed. She didn’t want to return from her Journey with an "abomination," but on the other hand this was her very own baby, the first child she carried. Madenia had always dreamed of a hearth full of children. She knew her mother would be ecstatic to find out she was pregnant, but a mixed child? That was unthinkable. Still, this was her own child, her flesh and blood. And maybe Ayla was wrong, the child wouldn’t be mixed after all. Madenia sniffled and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Ayla handed her a cup of steaming, bad-smelling tea.

"Drink up, Madenia, it’s valerian tea, and it will help you calm down," said Zelandoni firmly. "And if you do want to take something to lose the baby, you will have to do it soon." "I will think about it," Madenia promised. "I do want a baby, and I think I’ve already grown to love this one. I’m just so afraid of what will happen if it is a mixed-spirits child." The valerian tea smelled like dung and tasted worse, but it had a calming effect. Madenia was no longer panicking.

"Could [you love a mixed-spirits child?" Ayla asked.

"Yes, I think I could. I just don’t want to lose my family, or my people." Then Madenia remembered that Ayla herself had lost her family, and the only people she had ever known. She would probably never see her son again. And here she was, mated, a mother for the second time, and happy. Mixed son or no, the Mamutoi had adopted her, Jondalar had loved her and stood by her even when most of the Zelandonii wanted them exiled. And if Joharran and Zelandoni had decided they must leave, they would have found a home with Dalanar in the Lanzadonii cave. Things had not turned out so badly for Ayla.

"Ayla, did you ever think of taking something to lose your child?"

"No, Madenia, when I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed. I always wanted a baby and I always thought my totem was too powerful to let me have one. Iza, my mother, thought I should not have the baby, because in the Clan it is considered unlucky for an unmated woman to have a baby. But I insisted that I wanted to have the baby, and I was so glad to have Durc." Ayla looked as if she were about to cry. Madenia hugged her.

"Ayla, I am so sorry. You have been so courageous, and I have been so cowardly. Maybe I will have my baby after all. I don’t know what I’ll do about Mother, and Rizani and the rest of my brothers, but I will have to think of something." Madenia was deeply ashamed of herself. She had always wanted to be like Ayla, the strongest and most courageous woman she had ever known. And here she was snivelling like a child afraid of its own shadow. If Ayla could endure all of what she had gone through and lived, and was happy, well then, she, Madenia, could do no less. She wondered in passing who would be her mate. Joharran seemed interested, but Madenia thought she would rather eat wolverine stew than co-mate with that loathsome Tasina he was mated to. Maybe Echozar would want her? No, Madenia thought. He’s still heartbroken over the woman who left him.

"You said in your Clan, it was considered unlucky for an unmated woman to have a child?" Ayla nodded. "In the Losadunai, it’s just the opposite. Most men won’t even consider a woman for a mate who isn’t pregnant or hasn’t given birth. For a man to mate a childless woman is not well thought of, unless his mate has died and he wants to keep her children, instead of surrendering them to his mate’s family." Madenia sighed. "If I were back home, Mother would be mobbed by men asking for me as a mate." Madenia sighed again, deeply. What a flicker’s nest. "Ayla, what if the worst happens? What if the baby is mixed, and I am cast out of my tribe?"

"There are many places you could go, Madenia," Ayla soothed her. "You are always welcome at my hearth, and I am sure that if you returned to the Lanzadonii, you would find a home there as well. You told me their lanzadoni wanted to adopt you and train you as her acolyte. There are also people to the east of the Losadunai, a tribe called the S’Armunai, who are more accepting of mixed children. I am sure an unmated woman, especially one with a child, would be welcome." Madenia wasn’t sure how she liked the thought of a life in exile, away from her mother and her Cave. She had been brought up to think of her status first and foremost. There was a lot of pressure on her as an only daughter to think of her responsibilities as heir, and Madenia was realizing more and more, the longer she was away from Verdegia and her home, how much she resented it, deep down in her spirit. This was her baby, and she would love it no matter what. Ayla had held her head high and defied those who would call her an abomination for being raised by the Clan and giving birth to Durc. And she had found acceptance. Could she, Madenia, do any less?

Madenia lifted her chin and looked at Ayla and Zelandoni with determination. "I am keeping my child. I am going to return to my home after the baby is born, and if Ayla can make people accept her, then I will too. They will accept me, and the baby too." "Armonar? Brother, dear, where are you? It’s your sister, home for a little visit!" Tasina was very glad to have finally reached the Fifth Cave of the Zelandonii, her childhood home. Even though her mother had died, her mother’s mate long since gone to live with his own sister’s family, and her younger brother dead of pneumonia, still, it was her home. She had some things to sort out and a mission to accomplish, and her brother, the zelandoni of the Cave, was just the person to help her. Tasina strode to the central hearth, ready to put down her packframe and have a nice, long chat with her brother, and scratched on the hide covering surrounding the hearth. There was no answer. A timid voice behind her spoke.

"Um…the Zelandoni is meditating right now and asked that no one disturb him." It was Armonar’s acolyte, Krisara, a pale, mousy and chinless creature who was little more than a child. Her mother, sensing that it would be hard to find a mate for her, thought Krisara would be best off Serving the Mother instead. Tasina looked at her with contempt. She said, in a very sweet voice though her eyes were hard as flint, "I don’t care if he’s communing with Doni herself. I need to talk to him." With that she pushed aside the hide covering

Armonar, zelandoni for the Fifth Cave, was nodding in front of the hearth fire, a glazed look in his eyes. He had swallowed poppy juice earlier to induce a meditative state, or so he told himself. He liked the not-a-care-in-the-world feeling the poppy juice gave, even when he didn’t have any visions. He heard a noise and looked up, and saw a very angry donii. He screamed.

"Shut up, you idiot, it’s just me, your beloved sister. Are you going to greet me, or are you going to wet your loincloth?" Armonar then realized who it was. Not a donii, but at the moment he’d rather deal with a donii than with his flesh-and-blood sister.

"Tasina, how nice to see you!" Armonar forced himself to sound enthusiastic, even though the poppy juice was dulling to the tongue as well as to the mind. He had the same striking coloring as Tasina but somehow did not come across as good-looking, like she did. His face was pinched, his body scrawny and his eyes set too close together. It was a good thing he was zelandoni, for otherwise few women would have wanted to mate him. Besides being unattractive, he was a poor hunter and indifferent craftsman. He sighed. Somehow his sister had a way of making him feel like a failure with her very presence. "How is Joharran?"

"That’s just what I want to talk to you about. You have to come outside with me, we can’t talk in the Cave where everyone can hear." Tasina grabbed Armonar by the arm and jerked him to his feat. He obediently followed her outside, stumbling a little from the effects of the poppy juice. When they were safely outside the Cave and out of earshot of curious listeners, Tasina resumed her story. "Joharran says he wants to sever the knot with me! Can you imagine?"

"Well, Tasina, you haven’t borne a child, after all. This was bound to happen. Besides, I thought you didn’t love him."

Tasina rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Whether or not I love him is not the point. He is the leader of the Ninth Cave, and the status I get from being his mate is greater than my birth status. If he severs the knot with me, I don’t know who else will have me, seeing as how I have no children at my age. But that’s not the worst of it."

"It isn’t?"

"No, not at all, unfortunately. You know Ayla? Jondalar’s mate? The one who lived with flatheads and let one of their males – oh, I can’t even bring myself to say it."

"I have always thought Ayla very beautiful, and very powerful. Remember how she tamed those horses and that wolf."

"Ugh. You would. All men love Ayla. I don’t understand it, she’s a polluted creature who lived in a den of flatheads most of her life. Anyhow, some Losadunai woman who she met on a Journey has arrived at the Cave. I think Joharran is in love with her and that is why he wants to sever the knot. And there’s worse. This Losadunai wench stayed in the Lanzadonii cave the whole winter. And she’s pregnant."

"That Lanzadonii cave? The one with the – the – thing that Dalanar took in?"

"How many Lanzadonii caves are there?" snapped Tasina. "Of course, that one! She’s pregnant, and it could very well be an abomination! Flathead spirits are all over that cave, and I am sure that this Losadunai woman’s child is mixed. Joharran has become a flathead-lover and I am sure he wants to mate this woman. With her mixed-spirits child. And not only that, while I was journeying here I saw the Losadunai woman plain as the nose on my face standing right in front of me on the ground. She’s got some kind of zelandoni powers, Armonar. And I want to get rid of her."

"How are you going to manage that?" Dread gnawed at Armonar’s entrails. He sensed what his sister was going to ask of him.

"How would I know, I’m not the zelandoni, you are! Do something! Find a way to kill this woman or drive her insane." Tasina took her brother by the collar of his tunic and yanked him close to her. Her eyes shone like a rabid wolf’s. "Use any way you can. I want that woman gone. Are you going to help me or aren’t you?"

How did he get himself involved in these situations with his sister? "Very well, I will see what I can do." "I am severing the knot with Tasina at this Summer Meeting," Joharran announced the next evening. "I have talked with Zelandoni and Marthona about it, and it is for the best. She has never had children, she never was of the highest status, and she is a cruel, hateful woman. Because of her I was almost induced to exile my own brother Jondalar and his mate Ayla from our Cave. I need a new mate, a kind, good, high-status woman who can bear children and will help me lead the Cave responsibly."

Everyone was glad to hear the news, but none more than Ayla and Jondalar. Tasina reminded Ayla of Attaroa, only Tasina’s cruelty was verbal rather than physical, and was wrapped in a soft voice and sweet smile. She knew Ayla was more intelligent and more talented than she, and bitterly resented taking second place to the blonde newcomer. When Tasina found out about Ayla’s past, she lost no opportunity to make Ayla’s life as miserable as she could. At the last Zelandonii Summer Meeting, she tormented Echozar and reduced Joplaya to tears before Jerika chased her bodily away from the Lanzadonii summer camp and threatened to physically harm her if Tasina taunted her daughter again. Ayla was sure that Tasina was one of the main reasons Joplaya had left. As for Jondalar, he disliked Tasina on behalf of his brother, Echozar and Joplaya, and most of all Ayla. Tasina was cruel to the woman he loved. That was enough to condemn her in his eyes.

Zelandoni spoke up. "If I may say so, that is good news indeed. You made a wise choice, Joharran. I advise you - the next mate you take, look for more than just a pretty face. That was your big mistake with Tasina. You were so dazzled by her beauty you forgot that her spirit was ugly. Be more careful next time. Oh - and be sure she’s pregnant or has a child or two to bring to your hearth. If you want children at your hearth, look for a woman who’s had them. You don’t look for apple trees on the steppes, do you?" There was laughter at the last remark.

Madenia caught Joharran looking at her and her cheeks turned pink. He was the kind of man she always thought she wanted - tall, handsome, and high-status. If he hadn’t been Zelandonii, her mother would be thrilled at the match. So why wasn’t she eager to mate with him? I’m not in love with him, she thought. I like him, I’ll share Pleasures with him, but I don’t want to mate with him. I should love him, but I don’t. What’s wrong with me? I can’t mate a Zelandonii leader, anyway. Unless I brought Mother to live with us, and I’d have to drag her here kicking and screaming. Mother is such a homebody. And if my child is mixed, like Ayla said it was, then the leader of the Cave really cannot mate with me. The Zelandonii don’t seem to like mixed-spirits people, or Clan, that much. Ayla’s helping to change that, and maybe I could help, too. I just wish I loved Joharran. I can’t mate a man whom I don’t love.

"...Summer Meeting?" Madenia was snapped out of her reverie. She realized that Joharran and Zelandoni were talking about the upcoming Summer Meeting. The Cave would have to leave shortly.

"Madenia shouldn’t walk that far," Ayla was saying. "Since Whinney had her foal, Racer is the only horse that can be ridden, until Whinney’s foal is grown. And I don’t think Madenia should be riding a horse either."

"Ayla, I’m pregnant, not crippled!" said Madenia indignantly. "I’ll be fine. I don’t want to keep everyone from the Summer Meeting. I can go. And," she added, "I haven’t even seen Whinney’s foal yet. Can I see her tomorrow?"

"Yes, you can, Madenia, but I really don’t think it would be wise for you to travel at all for now. This is your first pregnancy, and you’ve been sick a lot. You should rest." Ayla remembered how difficult her own first pregnancy had been. Madenia wasn’t having nearly as difficult of a time, but she was sick enough. Were all mixed babies that difficult to carry? Ayla wondered. It was not going to be an easy birth, either; it was Madenia’s first baby, and her hips were so narrow. Ayla was taking no chances.

In the end it was decided that everyone would go to the Summer Meeting except for Ayla, Jondalar, and Marthona. Ayla and Jondalar would rather spend time with each other than around a crowd of people anyway; their togetherness was all the festivities they needed. Marthona said she’d seen so many Summer Meetings in her time she’d just as soon stay home, spoil baby Mariza, and help keep Madenia company.

"Are you sure you don’t mind, Ayla? I hate to keep you from all the fun." Madenia was a little disappointed herself at missing the Zelandonii Summer Meeting.

"No, not at all. There will be other Summer Meetings. Jondalar and I will be just fine, trust me. Last Summer Meeting was pretty uncomfortable, to tell you the truth, and there is still a lot of bad feeling about my background from many of the Caves. Not to mention what poor Echozar went through. It’s for the best that we stay home."

"We have plenty to occupy ourselves with," Jondalar said with a big, knowing grin. Ayla blushed. "Speaking of occupying ourselves, come on, Ayla, let’s go to bed." Jondalar took Ayla’s hand and hurried her over to their hearth.

As Madenia got up to go to her bed platform, Joharran reached over and caught her hand. "Madenia?"

Her chestnut braids swung as she turned to him. "Yes, Joharran?"

He cleared his throat and, to Madenia’s surprise, turned slightly red. "Will you come to bed with me tonight?"

"Yes, I will." Even though she didn’t love him, she did want to share Pleasures with him. It would keep her mind off other things she really didn’t want to think about.

Hand in hand, Madenia and Joharran walked toward his hearth. "Are you saying this means I should go find Madenia? She’s probably with the Zelandoni right now, and I’d sooner walk right into a hornet’s nest." Echozar had just finished telling Lanzadoni his dream of the previous night. He’d dreamt of coming back from a long day of hunting, to be greeted by his mate with her child in her arms. In his dream, the woman was Madenia, and the child was of his spirit. When he awoke, his face was wet with tears.

"What I am saying, Echozar, is this. You are sixteen years old, a grown man. Most young men your age have mated. Now before you start in again on how no woman will ever want you - " Lanzadoni held up her hand - " remember this. You are who you are because it’s the will of the Mother. Only Doni knows why certain spirits mix in order to form a child. She willed that your spirits be mixed, Clan and ours. Everything happens for a reason. You tried to end your life, but Doni willed that Dalanar would find you and adopt you into his Cave. You survived on your own for years, which is not an easy thing to do. And yet you cannot face down the Zelandoni, even for the woman you love. What kind of a man are you?" Lanzadoni was at her wit’s end. She was convinced that Echozar loved Madenia, and she was fond of the young man and wanted him to be happy. Selfishly, she also wanted Madenia as her acolyte, if not her daughter, but even that was not as important to her as pushing Echozar to grow up and be the man she knew he could be. He had the courage to survive, unprovided-for, in the wilderness; he was intelligent and compassionate and had much to offer. If reasoning wouldn’t work, maybe tough love would.

"Are you saying I’m not a man? That I’m weak?"

"Well, yes, if you are content to live your life mourning Joplaya, with no mate, and hiding in corners whenever a stranger approaches for fear of being shunned, then I am calling you weak. You didn’t go after Joplaya when she left, and I know you will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not at least try to get Madenia. Even if she doesn’t agree to mate with you, at least you will know you’ve tried."

"But will a woman like her want - "

" - an ‘abomination?’ I must have heard that one from you every single day for I don’t know how many moons. Joplaya did agree to mate with you, remember? I know she did run off, but it had less to do with you than with..."

"...Jondalar? I know. She loved him, just like every other woman seems to. What I wouldn’t give for a gift like that." Echozar looked glum. "Suppose Madenia is in love with Jondalar, too?"

"Even if she is, which I doubt, she can’t have him, because there is only one woman for Jondalar. You know that."

"Do you suppose my dream means anything?" Echozar was afraid to hope. Maybe it did. Maybe it meant that he would have a mate whom he loved and who loved him in return. He was beginning to realize that he couldn’t have gone the rest of his life being content to love Joplaya without her loving him back. He wanted to be loved, and he hardly dared believe it was possible.

"All dreams have meaning. But you cannot just sit and wait for your dreams to manifest. Even a lanzadoni cannot just conjure up a woman for you out of thin air. The Mother is testing you, Echozar. Are you worthy of your dreams?" Lanzadoni all of a sudden felt very tired. "Go back to your own hearth. I don’t have anything further to say. Just think about what I’ve told you."

Dismissed, Echozar returned to his hearth. Lanzadoni was right, he was acting cowardly and weak. He had been acting weak for far too long. He still hated the thought of facing the Zelandoni, but if the Mother was testing him, then maybe he just had to go and find Madenia after all.He absently fingered the necklace he wore. Madenia had made it for him, using exotic shells from the Mother River and a pendant canine tooth of the snow leopard which had attacked her. Echozar had not taken off the necklace since she put it on him. He glanced outside. It was mid-morning. Still plenty of time to set off for Zelandoni country, if he started packing right away. He got out his packframe, and started pulling clothes off the storage platform. He rolled up his sleeping furs and stuffed them in the packframe. He rummaged through his clothes, deciding to pack the outfit Joplaya had made him. "Jerika, do we have any travelling food?" he called out.

"Yes, there is some in the storage area, but what do you want travelling food for?" Jerika was puzzled.

"I am going on a Journey. To the Zelandonii...and Madenia." "Where have you hidden my poppy juice? Please, please, in the name of the Mother, give me my poppy juice!" Armonar was shivering uncontrollably, and not just because it was cold and damp in the Sacred Cave. The tiny oil lamp cast a flickering light on the Doni sitting on the shrine in the middle of the cave, and the herds of ochre bison, aurochs and reindeer painted on the walls. This was a place of the spirits, and the Mother. Tasina had coerced and bullied him into bringing her here for "a ritual to bring back my mate and give me a child," or so she told him.

"Just the two of us. I don’t want that rabbity little acolyte of yours." Tasina sneered in the direction of Krisara, who pretended not to notice. She flung their departing backs a glance of utter loathing and an obscene gesture, and returned to the hide she was tanning.

Once Armonar and Tasina had reached the Sacred Cave, Tasina revealed what she really wanted. "I want one Losadunai girl corpse, Armonar. I know you told me about the ergot which will make her lose her child and possibly her mind as well. That’s all well and good, but I really want her dead. Not just the baby, her too. And I want you to use the spirits to help. Put a curse on her."

Even Armonar had recoiled from that. He was used to having his sister tell him what to do; without her help, he never could have made it to the ranks of the zelandoni. What she was asking was unthinkable. Killing a pregnant woman was accounted the worst of all possible crimes. There were very few things that could launch a blood feud, but this was one of them. The murder of a pregnant woman was accounted a crime against Doni herself and no punishment was too great.

"What if the Ninth Cave organizes a blood feud against our Cave?" Armonar whined. "I want my poppy juice. Tasina, where have you hidden it?" While Armonar was busy setting up the central altar for a ritual, Tasina had found and hidden his birchbark container of poppy juice, and wouldn’t tell him where she had hidden it. His whole body ached and he shook with chills. How long had it been since he’d had any? His stomach cramped agonizingly.

"You fool! I don’t want to make it obvious! Madina, Madrona, whatever her name is, can have an ‘accident’ or ‘get sick’. Really, Armonar, sometimes I wonder why Doni in her infinite wisdom saddled me with a useless sack of hyena dung for a brother. Now call up those spirits and make them help us and then you can have your precious poppy juice."

"Give me the poppy juice and I will tell you." Armonar started crawling after Tasina, who backed away. "Where is it hidden? Tell me!"

What a whiner! I don’t know why he was picked to become zelandoni, I would have been much better. I wouldn’t while away my days drinking poppy juice and wondering what young girls I could get my hands on.

Armonar was frantically searching every nook and cranny he could find in search of the hidden poppy juice. He had reached the end of the ritual part of the cave. Beyond that, a ledge dropped precipitously to a canyon of rocks and limestone formations below. Stalactites gleamed above the canyon, descending from the cave ceiling. Sometimes, offerings to Doni were thrown into the canyon.

As a wave of nausea and cramping hit him, Armonar staggered. He could have sworn little insects were crawling along his arms. He scratched frantically at the unseen pests and lost his balance. With a scream, he toppled into the canyon.

"What has my idiot brother done now? We still haven’t started the ritual. I have never in my life met anyone more useless." Tasina looked around the cavern. "Armonar? Where did you go?" Then she looked over the ledge. "Oh great Mother!" Lifting the lamp, she peered down into the canyon. "Armonar?" There was no sound. Far below, she saw a broken body with a smashed skull.

"Here’s your poppy juice," Tasina called out and flung the birchbark container after him. The Ninth Cave was preparing to go to the Summer Meeting. New tools were made, beads sewn onto outfits, trade goods prepared. Everyone was in a state of anticipation.

"Oh, Madenia, the Summer Meeting will be so much fun! I wish you were going with us. There are so many handsome young men to share Pleasures with. Maybe this year I’ll come back with a mate," said Folara to Madenia one morning. "You are so beautiful and know how to make so many nice things. I’m sure you’d have no trouble finding a nice Zelandoni man to bring home to your mother. Though something tells me you just might have already." Folara winked at Joharran.

"Yes, it really is a pity that you cannot come with us," Joharran agreed. "Ayla thinks you should stay here, and she does know best. We will miss you, though." Joharran took Madenia’s hand. "I am severing the knot with Tasina at the Summer Meeting. I will need to find another mate. One who has a child and can help me lead the Cave. Madenia, I want you to be my mate. Bring your child to my hearth, and live here with the Ninth Cave. You already have friends here, and Zelandoni would be happy to take you on as her acolyte. What do you think?"

"Joharran, I appreciate your offer. I’m - I’m very fond of you, and honored that you asked me, but you know I must go home to my own mother and Cave after I have my baby. Much as I might want to , I simply cannot stay. And Ayla thinks I am having a mixed-spirits child. What will you do if that is true?"

"I will love and provide for any child you bear, Madenia. And as for your mother, there is no reason she could not make her home here, as well. I promise to hunt for her and treat her with respect. You don’t have to give me an answer right now, but please think about it while I am gone at the Summer Meeting." Joharran kissed Madenia and returned to sorting through his belongings.

Madenia was in a quandary. It was a wonderful offer. Joharran was exactly the kind of man she had always envisioned for herself before. She had been sharing his bed for much of the time since her arrival at the Ninth Cave. He’d promised to accept her child, whether or not it proved to be mixed, and her mother as well. Madenia wondered how Joharran would feel about Verdegia once he actually had to live with her. There was, Madenia thought wryly, a very good reason why none of her brothers’ mates wanted to move to the Hot Well Cave. Her mother would never agree to move to the Zelandonii anyway, and Madenia had promised that she would return to the Losadunai once her Journey was over. And Joharran couldn’t very well move with her. On top of all that, she didn’t love him. Madenia was an idealist and a romantic. She wanted a man who loved her and who she could love back with equal intensity - just like Ayla and Jondalar. That they were a very tough act to follow didn’t matter to Madenia. If Ayla had true love, then Madenia could have it too.

"There you are, Madenia. Zelandoni and I are going to the river to bathe. Come with us." It was Ayla, with hide towels and a container of soap in her hand. Zelandoni stood beside her.

The three women made their way to the secluded spot in the river where they usually bathed. As they washed their hair, Zelandoni told Madenia, "Ayla wants us to have a ritual tonight. She wants to deliver you into your totem’s protection, and I think that’s a very good idea. I have been training you the best I can, but I must go to the Summer Meeting, because I am the High Priestess Zelandoni. A powerful totem means powerful testing, and this way you will be well protected until I come back and we can resume your training. Even if you don’t become zelandoni - if you choose to mate Joharran, or anyone else you wish - you do have abilities, and you do need to be trained."

"Do zelandoni ever have mates? The One Who Serves in my Cave does. His mate has four children."

"With us, zelandoni never have mates. A woman zelandoni often has children - after all, the Mother blesses whom She chooses - but not a mate." Well, that was that, Madenia thought to herself. If I go back to the Losadunai, I can still Serve the Mother, if that is indeed my destiny, and have a mate. If I stay here, I can’t mate. Maybe that is why Ayla doesn’t want to join the zelandonia. I certainly can’t blame her for not wanting to give up Jondalar.

"It is a very simple ritual, one that is performed in the Clan for all children when their totems are revealed. I feel it is very important for you to have the protection of your totem now, Madenia. Will you agree to let me do the ritual?"

"Of course I will, Ayla." If Ayla felt so strongly about doing a Clan ritual for her, then she would agree to it. Ayla was usually right about such things. And if her baby was going to be mixed, all the more reason to go through with it.

"Ayla? Does Echozar have a totem? Have you ever done the ritual for him?" Madenia asked suddenly.

"I don’t know, Madenia, I’ve never done the ritual for him and his totem, if he has one, has never revealed itself. Perhaps when you see him again, it will."

What did Ayla mean when she said "when?" wondered Madenia to herself.

Thoroughly washed and squeaky-clean, the three women combed their hair, got dressed, and returned to the Cave. "Spirit of Snow Leopard, the woman, Madenia, is delivered into your protection." Ayla carefully painted a representation of the snow leopard’s rosette spots on Madenia’ s shoulder and then hung a small bag around her neck. Madenia pulled her tunic back on and sat down.

Sage and cedar smoke billowed from the ceremonial hearth, and Zelandoni led a small group of musicians who were chanting and drumming. Madenia was wearing her luxurious Sharamudoi chamois outfit for the occasion. She had braided her long hair and wound it in coils atop her head. Around her neck was the necklace she had made of ivory beads and a canine tooth of her new totem, the snow leopard. The tooth was taken from the body of the animal which had attacked and almost taken her to the spirit world. In the flickering light of the ceremonial fire, Madenia looked every bit as beautiful as Ayla and Zelandoni. Her pregnancy was showing now, and her skin glowed. The unmated young men - and a few of the older ones - eyed her with longing.

Joharran wished Madenia wasn’t so determined to return to her own people. She would make a good mate; she had almost as many talents as Ayla, and while no one could compare to Ayla in beauty, Madenia came close. Joharran wasn’t sure if what he felt for Madenia was love; he enjoyed sharing Pleasures with her, and he found her beautiful and enjoyed her company, but did he feel for her the way his brother felt for his mate? Joharran wondered whether Madenia loved him. She seemed rather distant, especially lately.

The Clan ceremony was short and simple, nothing like the elaborate ceremonies that marked rites of passage for the Zelandonii or the Losadunai. Unadorned though it was, Madenia felt the beauty and power inherent in the simple ritual. She sensed her totem close by and put her hand around her new amulet, feeling its shape in her hand. Ayla had told her about watching for signs from her totem and putting them in the bag so her totem would be pleased and always protect her. The chanting, music and the smell of the herbs were hypnotizing. Madenia felt the now-familiar lurching sensation as she left her body and drifted out over the landscape. With Zelandoni’s training, it was easier for her to direct her donii-form to where she wanted to go.

"How is Mother? I wonder if I can I visit Mother in my donii-shape?" In an instant, Madenia found herself in her home cave, hovering above her mother’s hearth. Verdegia was busy weaving a basket hat out of plant fibers. She looked old and tired. Her hair was almost entirely gray. Poor Mother, she doesn’t look well. I had better hurry home as soon as this baby is born. I’m sure once she sees the baby, she’ll be fine.Just then, Verdegia looked up from her handiwork, stared right through Madenia, and then shook her head as if to clear it. She bent back over her weaving.

With a pang of guilt, Madenia left the Cave. She was afraid to admit it, but she was worried about Verdegia. For a moment she almost wished she had never gone on her Journey. But if she hadn’t, she never would have found her Totem, or met Echozar, or...

At that moment, Madenia was whisked to the sparsely populated countryside between the territories of the Lanzadonii and the Zelandonii. She saw Echozar camped out in a skin tent, a small fire going for warmth and to keep predators away. He was lying in his sleeping furs, awake, staring at the tent walls. What was he doing, travelling? Where was he going? It almost looked as if he was on his way to Zelandonii country. Madenia felt herself hovering over him, staring right into his large, dark brown eyes. They widened in shock. He caught his breath. Madenia was so startled that she was immediately pulled back into her body. She felt herself twitch, and looked around at the Ninth Cave and the people assembled by the ceremonial hearth. Only Ayla and Zelandoni had noticed what had happened.

"Were you Searching again? You should be careful, with the baby. What did you see?" Ayla’s voice was concerned, and she handed Madenia a cup of mint tea.

"I saw Mother. Oh, Ayla, she doesn’t look well. I really must go home as soon as I can. I’m worried about her."

"Madenia, don’t worry. You will see your mother again. Please try not to fret, it’s bad for the baby. Just think of how happy your mother will be when she holds her grandchild in her arms."

Madenia sipped her tea and tried to shake the feeling of foreboding she felt. She didn’t tell Ayla or Zelandoni about seeing Echozar. Was he going on a Journey? Perhaps to find Joplaya? Madenia would never see him again. A single tear rolled from her eye and down her cheek. If it weren’t for Mother, perhaps I would mate with Joharran after all, thought Madenia. I could always mate and then go to the Losadunai to bring her back here. She’d hate it, but maybe it would be for the best. I’ll tell Joharran I’ll think about his proposal and give him an answer after the Summer Meeting. What an onager’s rump my useless brother turned out to be, thought Tasina angrily. The clumsy oaf had to go toppling down into the canyon before he could tell me how to get rid of that flathead-loving slut Joharran is dumping me for. Speaking of flathead-loving sluts, I wish I could get rid of that Ayla woman somehow as well. But Ayla is too strong for that. Not only does she have kin here, she is slowly winning the respect of the rest of the Cave. If I killed her, Jondalar and Zelandoni would find out somehow. But that Losadunai woman is young, and pregnant, and her kin are far away. No one would miss her. And while I’m at it, I wish I could think of some way to send that abomination in Dalanar’s Cave to whatever frozen corner of the underworld is reserved for such filth, too. I hate it, and I hate the Losadunai woman. Joharran wants to sever the knot with me, my brother is dead, and I don’t know if my Cave will let me stay with them after I tell them the bad news. I never had much birth status, no particular talents, just my looks, and those are fading. I’ve not much more to lose. Well, if my stupid brother isn’t here to conjure up the right spirits, then I am just going to have to try myself. Armonar’s corpse will be my offering.

With trembling hands Tasina placed the lamp upon the shrine. Too bad Armonar’s bag of herbs went down into the canyon with him; it would be easier to summon the spirits with the help of some hemp resin or mushrooms. I’ll just have to do the best I can. Tasina got to her feet, held out her arms, and slowly began to circle counter-clockwise.

"O Mother, O Spirits, curse the Losadunai woman and her unborn child. May they be torn to pieces by hyenas. May worms and maggots devour their flesh. May they wander the frozen underworld of the Mother for all eternity. O Spirits, help me find a way to kill the woman and bring back my mate. My brother, the zelandoni Armonar, is your offering. Help me use his powers against those who have wronged me! Lend me your powers for vengeance!"

It was not much of a ritual. Tasina was no zelandoni, and had neither powers nor training. She sat down and closed her eyes, hoping to find a vision confirming the success of her invocation. At first, nothing happened. Then, slowly, a man’s form coalesced before her vision. He was unkempt and ragged, with long, untended wild hair, but he held himself with a certain cockiness and swagger. He exuded menace. Slowly, with a wolverine-like, predatory smile, he spoke with a strange accent.

"Let me help you. I, too, seek my vengeance." Then, the man was gone.

Tasina felt a momentary chill. What had she unleashed? She was somewhat surprised to find her ritual had an effect at all, and was pleased that something happened. Too bad she didn’t quite know how to control the outcome. But things looked promising. She would have to keep an eye out for this man.

She got up, collected her belongings, smoothed her hair, and put on her saddest face as she walked back to her Cave to tell everyone the unhappy news of her dear brother's accidental demise. The Zelandoni Summer Meeting was in full swing. Echozar, senses sharpened by long years of hunting and tracking, could hear and smell it long before he saw the meeting site. He was alone; the Lanzadonii, having little to celebrate, had decided not to go this year. Echozar felt his legs tremble and his stomach churn. Summer Meetings had always been a nightmare of tauntings and ostracism for him, made bearable only by Joplaya’s presence. Now Joplaya was gone, with vague murmurings of making a long Journey to visit Ayla’s people, the Mamutoi. She’d left late last summer; Echozar wondered in passing how long it took to reach the Mamutoi. Could she be at one of their Summer Meetings now? He had worshipped Joplaya with all the ferocity of his sensitive, intense nature. It had been completely one-sided; he knew she never felt the same way about him - she had liked him as a friend and felt protective of him, but she had never loved him. Echozar had been surprised to find that Madenia had loved him. Lanzadoni had said so. He still did not quite believe it, but if it were true...he would finally be able to love someone and have that love returned. Maybe even - he drew a shaky breath - a mate, and children to love and provide for. Providing for mothers and children, after all, was what made a man a real man. For this he would face down the hostile Zelandonii.

The noise grew louder and louder as Echozar drew closer. There were thirteen Zelandonii caves, and every last one of them was gathered here. The noise was overwhelming, and the swirl of humanity confusing. Echozar retreated quietly behind some bushes to observe, and steady his nerves. Which was the campsite of the Ninth Cave? He hoped it was nearby, he really didn’t want to have to run a gantlet of taunts and possibly tossed stones. There were so many people, and so far no one looked familiar. There was no sign of Madenia. Finally, Echozar caught sight of a familiar face.

"Psst! Willomar! It’s Echozar of the Lanzadonii. I’m over here!"

Willomar was startled. The voice appeared to be coming from a clump of bushes nearby. To the best of his knowledge, bushes didn’t talk. Then he saw a hand waving frantically in his direction, and then Echozar emerged from behind the shrubbery.

"Greetings in the name of the Mother, Echozar of the Lanzadonii. What made you decide to come to the Summer Meeting? Where is the rest of your Cave?"

"I came here by myself. Um - do you happen to have a Losadunai woman with you? Tall, dark red hair, very beautiful?"

"We don’t have one with us here at the Meeting, but there is a Losadunai woman staying at the Ninth Cave. Her name is Madenia. She is on her Journey, but she is pregnant and not having an easy time of it, so Ayla and Jondalar and Marthona stayed behind with her. Maybe you met her when she stayed with the Lanza - wait, Echozar, where are you going so fast? Won’t you at least stay and take a meal with us and rest? Echozar! Well, that was quick." Willomar shook his head. He was surprised at how fast Echozar with his stocky, muscular body and short legs, could move, packframe and all. He was now rapidly disappearing over the horizon, with barely a thank-you or goodbye. The very minute he mentioned Madenia’s name, off he went like a spear from a spear-thrower. What in the name of Donii could he possibly want with Madenia?

"Close your mouth, Willomar, you’ll catch flies." It was Joharran, in a very good mood. He had just gone before the Council of Mothers, who had approved his severing the knot with Tasina. She had been there, and had protested in her falsely sweet voice, but Joharran had prevailed. He was now officially an unmated man. And there were some very beautiful women at this Summer Meeting. Joharran thought of the woman from the people who lived north of the Zelandoni, the one whose hair was so blonde it was almost white. If she was not willing to share Pleasures, there were plenty of other, eager partners. "What are you gaping at?"

"I just saw Echozar. Alone. None of his Cave were with him."

"I would gape too, if I saw that. What in the name of the Great Earth Mother is Echozar doing at a Zelandonii summer meeting? Where is he now?" Joharran couldn’t believe Echozar would want to come to a Zelandonii summer meeting, not after the way he had been treated previously. "He wasn’t exiled from his Cave or anything like that, was he?"

"In answer to your first question, Echozar has already left. He wanted to know if we had a Losadunai woman with us, and the instant I told him about our visitor back at the Ninth Cave, off he went. He didn’t mention being exiled from his Cave. Far from it, in fact." Willomar chuckled. "If I’m not mistaken, he wants to bring a mate back with him. I just knew that was going to happen. The surest way to get young men to beat a path to your Cave is to have a blessed woman in it. It’s wonderful for trade."

"Oh come on, Willomar, don’t be ridiculous. Echozar is one of the best hunters I’ve ever seen, I’ll grant you that. He can work leather, and sew, and even cook - and he’s very nice once you get to know him. I don’t think he’s an abomination or anything. But he doesn’t stand a chance with Madenia. What would a beautiful woman like her ever see in him? She could have any man she wants. Of course, I am hoping she’ll have me."

"You have a lot of competition, Joharran. She’s got a lot to offer. Be thankful that she’s not from Ayla’s people, who have something they call ‘Bride Price’ where a man has to give gifts to the woman’s mother in order to mate with her. Now talking of gifts, come on back to the Camp and I will show you what I’ve traded for. I’ve had very good luck trading this summer. There are some things you might want for gifts for Madenia. You do have competition, Joharran, whether you like it or not. Madenia has a mind of her own, don't think that status and looks mean everything to her."

"Competition? Echozar?" Joharran snorted. He and Willomar made their way back to their Camp. Tasina had left the Summer Meeting early, ahead of the rest of her Cave. She had never been so humiliated in all her life. The Council of Mothers had agreed to Joharran’s petition to sever their knot. Now she was no longer the mate of the leader of the prestigious Ninth Cave. To add insult to injury, her own home Cave had held her responsible for the death of their zelandoni, because he had been performing a ritual on Tasina’s behalf when he fell to his death. The Mother must have been very displeased with Tasina, her Cave thought, and who knows how much more bad luck she would bring if allowed to remain after her mate put her aside? Tasina was nothing but a childless troublemaker with nothing much to offer. Her beauty had gotten her a high-status mate the first time, but now that she was past twenty, it was doubtful any man with much status would want her. Plenty of older women mated again, but not barren, shrewish troublemakers.

Tasina trudged along the path leading back to the Ninth Cave. Joharran had permitted her to go there to collect her belongings, but told her that when he came back, she had better be gone. He was planning to move a new woman into the hearth.

"So soon? You can barely wait until the knot is severed and you are hunting around for another mate. You never really loved me!"

Joharran looked at her coldly. What could he ever have seen in this woman, her lovely face, shapely body and sweet voice belied by the venom in her words and malice in her actions? "You are right, Tasina, I never really loved you. I joined with you against my better judgment and that of my mother and Zelandoni. Madenia is everything that you are not – intelligent, kind-hearted, and capable of leadership. And she is blessed by the Mother, something that you never seem to have managed in all these cycles of the seasons. When I come back I want you and your belongings out of my hearth."

Madenia, always Madenia. What did Joharran and all the other men see in her? Joharran’s family adored her, Zelandoni agreed to train her. I’ve lost everything, and it’s all thanks to her. She deserves to die for having ruined my life this way. Tasina was consumed by her bitterness and anger, it grew and grew within her, a malignant growth of hate that was slowly consuming her very being.

A bat suddenly fluttered from the sky and landed right on Tasina’s face. Bats were considered sacred creatures of the Mother, because they dwelt in the deepest, darkest caves which were Her wombs. Seldom were they seen in the daytime. Tasina brushed the bat off. She wondered what message the Mother had in store for her, and why She had to send one of Her messengers to land in such an inconvenient place. The bat fluttered to the ground and lay still.

Tasina hurried on, revenge churning in her mind. If I could get the Losadunai creature to swallow ergot, she’d lose that precious baby, Tasina thought. Not only would she lose her baby, ergot has been known to make people lose their minds as well. I hope I can find some spoiled grain with the fungus on it, my brother, Doni keep his useless spirit, told me about it. Maybe if Madenia lost her baby, Joharran would no longer want her and she’ll go back to wherever it is the Losadunai live.

"Greetings in the name of the Mother."

Tasina almost fell backwards with shock. Where had that man come from? One moment she was walking alone along a deserted landscape, the next moment this strange, unkempt man was staring at her. He looked vaguely familiar. Tasina racked her brains, wondering where she’d met him before. He spoke slowly, with a thick, unfamiliar accent.

"Greetings in the name of Doni. I am Tasina of the Fifth Cave of the Zelandonii."

"I am of the Losadunai." The man didn’t mention his name. He looked terrible, as if he’d been living alone in the wilderness for many months. He had a long, unkept beard, his hair hung in filthy knots, and his clothes were dirty and ragged.

"Losadunai? Hmmmph! I don’t want to hear any more about Losadunai right now." Tasina turned away from the strange man and continued on her path.

"Why not?" said the man, falling into step beside her. "Do you know another Losadunai who has offended you, perhaps?" The man had small, bloodshot eyes like a weasel’s. Even if he were clean, kempt and fed, he would not be prepossessing. Nonetheless, there was an arrogance about him.

"There is a woman staying at the Ninth Cave right now who arrived her on a Journey, pregnant, and my dear former mate, the leader of the Ninth Cave, severed the knot with me in order to mate with her. Not only that, I am sure her child is of mixed spirits. She is an abomination. I hate her." Tasina looked at the man. "Her name is Madenia."

The man’s eyes gleamed like red-hot coals in his thin face. "Did you say Madenia? Madenia of the Losadunai?"

"I don’t know any other Losadunai women," Tasina said impatiently. Then it hit her. This was the man she had seen in the vision she had in the Sacred Cave. Her instrument of vengeance. Praise the Mother.

A slow, satisfied grin spread over the man’s face. "Tasina of the Zelandoni, you have just made me a very happy man. I think we want our vengeance on the same woman. Come, let’s talk." The man threw back his head and laughed. The summer passed quickly. Soon, the Ninth Cave would be back in their winter dwelling. Jondalar told Madenia that the Summer Meeting would disperse soon and the Cave would start harvesting the bounty of autumn in preparation for the winter that lay ahead. Madenia was almost six moons into her pregnancy and no longer feeling sick all the time, but she was starting to feel bulky and awkward. Marthona was helping her make baby clothes and other items, a task Madenia greatly enjoyed. She had come to anticipate her baby’s arrival with eagerness, and was certain that even if the baby was of mixed spirits she’d love it all the same. Already the baby was accumulating so many things that Madenia wondered how she was going to carry everything back home. While Madenia stitched, braided and wove, Ayla fussed over her, dosing her with herbs, insisting she eat the choicest food. Unbeknownst to Madenia, Ayla had talked to Zelandoni before her departure about a ritual to ensure the safe birth of Madenia’s child.

"She is young and her bones are small. I remember what a terrible time I had at Durc’s birth, and Madenia is not that much older than I was. Madenia’s kin would be heartbroken if anything happened to her, and so would we here at the Ninth Cave." Zelandoni saw how worried Ayla was, and readily agreed. Even though she was High Priestess Zelandoni, she recognized Ayla’s superior knowledge in many areas.

One warm and beautiful afternoon, Madenia and Ayla were outside the Cave with the horses. Whinney had given birth to a beautiful chestnut-colored filly the same winter Madenia had crossed the glacier on her Journey. Ayla had named the filly Sorrel. She was tame and trusting, and Ayla and Jondalar hoped that she, like her dam Whinney, could be ridden and haul loads when she was old enough. For her part, Madenia loved Sorrel and the feeling was mutual. Ayla also hoped that Wolf would bring a mate back to the Cave and raise a litter of puppies. Madenia wasn’t so sure if that was a good idea. While she was fond of Wolf, she had been brought up to think of wolves as predators, not companions. Ayla’s wolf was The Wolf Who Loved Children, but who was to say if other wolves would be as tractable?

"You have to get a baby wolf, one that is barely weaned, and raise it around people. That way the wolf considers the people in the Cave or Camp his pack. That is how I raised Wolf. You don’t think Wolf is dangerous, do you?"

Madenia held out an apple to Sorrel, who ate it, nuzzled Madenia’s hand, then when no more treats were forthcoming, decided that pets and scratching were acceptable substitutes. "No, of course not. He’s the Wolf Who Loves Children. I just don’t know if anyone but a losaduna, or zelandoni, could tame one. Same with the horses. I would love a baby horse, though. Ever since meeting you and Jondalar, I have wanted to find a horse that would let me ride it."

"I will gladly teach you to ride the horses after the baby is born. Sorrel should be old enough by then. For a moon or so after the baby arrives, you will never want to sit down again, but after that you should be in good shape to learn."

Madenia thanked Ayla effusively. When she returned to the Losadunai, the first thing she was going to do was tame a baby horse, if she could. Horses were useful for so much more than just food. They could be ridden, they could transport much heavier loads than people could, and they were wonderful companions, too. Before she met Ayla and Jondalar, Madenia never would have thought of horses this way. How I’ve grown up since then, she thought. I have a lot I want to teach my Cave, and I hope they will let themselves learn from me. Maybe it is true, I’m destined to Serve the Mother in some way. Instinctively, she clutched her amulet. I never would have thought I’d have a totem and take part in a Clan ceremony either. I hope those men from my Cave were successful in trading with the Clan. I wouldn’t mind finding out more about them.

Suddenly, Madenia heard Wolf growl. There was a man approaching them from the direction of the river. Madenia shaded her eyes in order to see who it was.

"Oh Duna!" She had never expected to see him again.

Madenia waved and ran toward the visitor, momentarily forgetting herself. "Echozar! What are you doing here?" Echozar took a deep breath. He had stopped to bathe in the river and change into his best outfit, the one that Joplaya had made for him those many seasons ago. He’d used that bad-smelling stuff that Madenia had taught the Lanzadonii how to make, and he had never felt cleaner in his life. His long, dark brown hair gleamed in the sun. "I…I came here to see you, Madenia." There. He’d said it. Would she be shocked? Horrified? Tell him that she’ already found a mate? Willomar was right, she was indeed blessed by Doni, from the looks of her the baby would arrive in the winter. Her skin was lightly tanned by the sun, her body ripe and lush, her dark chestnut hair thick and shining.

Madenia smiled at Echozar, a smile so radiant that he was overwhelmed. "I am glad you came to visit me. It is good to see you. You’ve bathed, I see." Her face reddened. "I don’t mean you never bathe, I mean…well…you look like you’re dressed for a festival. I see you’re wearing the necklace I made."

"I always wear it. I’ve never had anyone make me a necklace before."

"Echozar, there is something I want to tell you."

He felt his stomach constrict in a knot. Was she going to tell him that she was Promised? In love with another? The first woman he had loved had left him. He couldn’t bear it if this one did as well. If Madenia didn’t want him, life would not be worth living.

"Ayla thinks that my child is of your spirit."

Echozar felt his legs grow weak and his head spin. His spirit? In all his life, that was something he never expected. Not even when he was Promised to Joplaya, had he dared to think she, or any woman, might be blessed with a child of his spirit. Doni must not hate him, after all. This was a gift beyond anything he had ever wished for.

"Echozar, what is wrong? You look as if you’re going to faint. Sit down and put your head between your knees." Madenia put her arms around him as he sat down on the ground. "What is the matter, aren’t you happy to hear it?"

"Ah…yes, I am very happy, happier than you’ll ever know. It was just so…unexpected, that is all. I never thought that Doni would use my spirit to make a child."

Madenia frowned. "I did live in your Cave all last winter. It’s not as unexpected as you might think. You should hear Ayla, she has the strangest ideas on how babies are made. Sometime I will have to tell you, you are going to laugh. I am hoping that the baby is a girl. What do you want, a boy or a girl?"

"I haven’t really thought about it. A girl would be wonderful, so would a boy. But since I won’t be caring for them…"

"What do you mean?" Madenia’s voice was sharp.

"Aren’t you already Promised?"

Madenia started to laugh. "Joharran wants to mate with me, but I have not accepted his offer yet."

If Joharran wants Madenia, what chance do I have? Echozar thought in despair.

"Echozar, lift up your head and look at me. Right now." Madenia put her hands on Echozar’s shoulders. Her almond-shaped hazel-green eyes stared intently into his large, liquid, dark brown ones. "I said, I have not accepted Joharran’s offer. I do not love Joharran. I love another."

"You do?" Echozar was trembling. If she didn’t love Joharran, then who?

"The man I love is the one whose spirit made my child."

"You mean…?" Echozar could not believe his ears. Was Madenia, beautiful, gifted Madenia, saying that she loved…him? Could he have what he had dreamt of for all these seasons, more than even Joplaya had offered? There was only one way to find out.

"Madenia of the Losadunai, Protected by the Snow Leopard, will you Promise with me? Will you be my mate?"

"Yes, Echozar of the Lanzadonii, I will be your mate, and my hearth will be your hearth, and you will protect and care for this child I carry and any other children I may have." Tears were rolling down Madenia’s cheeks. Echozar took her tenderly into his arms and they kissed for a long time. Then he stood up and helped Madenia to her feet.

"Let’s go back to the Cave and tell Ayla and Jondalar the good news." Madenia laughed. "Poor Joharran, when he arrives he will be in for quite a surprise!" "Now is the time. Joharran and the rest of the Cave will be back from Summer Meeting any day now. Only Ayla, Jondalar and Marthona stayed behind with her. I am sure that she will be alone, either in the Cave or out gathering plants, at some time. We strike when we see her alone and unprotected. Let us keep watch on the Cave so we can find the perfect time. Madenia will wish she never made her Journey." Tasina spoke quietly to the strange man. Her head ached and her throat was sore. She hadn’t felt well for the past few days. Why did she have to get sick now, right when they had reached the Ninth Cave and found it mostly deserted? Tasina would just have to grit her teeth and endure her illness. The thought of Madenia and her unborn child dead in a gruesome manner was all-consuming. It was as if her life had shrunk to the size of a spearpoint tip. Nothing else mattered but her revenge on the woman who had ruined her life.

On their trek towards the Ninth Cave, they exchanged stories. Tasina told the man how Madenia had stolen her mate, the Losadunai stranger had told Tasina of his own desire for vengeance. That Madenia woman was, apparently, a nasty little troublemaker who took delight in turning innocent lives upside down. Tasina could not believe it when the man removed his leggings to show her. At first she thought he wanted to share Pleasures, and told him she was not in the mood.

"No, no, you fool woman, I want you to look at me! I can never share Pleasures again, and it is all this Madenia’s doing! She was a girl, not yet a woman, and as you know, a young girl must never allow herself to be opened without proper ceremony. It disgraces her and the man she shares Pleasures with. But that little Madenia, she was like a vixen in heat. She threw herself at me, and how could I resist? She enjoyed every minute of it, and then turned around and went crying to her mother and Losaduna about how she was raped by me and my friends, how we had taken her by force. She didn’t want to lose status, and everyone believed her. Her mother made a charge and a claim, and all the Caves took her side - Madenia had high status, and one of her brothers is a Hunt Leader. So I was punished, her brothers held me down while Verdegia, her mother, unmanned me with her own knife. So I get disgraced and confined to my Cave, and that Madenia gets sympathy and a cleansing ritual and her First Rites, and then goes flouncing off on a great Journey with everyone applauding how brave she is to go off and cross the glacier all by herself. She gets everything, and I get nothing. Madenia is - she is a flathead female! The man spat out the worst insult he knew.

Tasina shuddered when she saw the strange man’s crotch. Nothing was left. She wondered in passing how he managed to relieve himself, and then thought to herself that Madenia, if she were to mate Joharran, might induce the Ninth Cave to do something horrible to her. It was enough that she was banished from both the Ninth Cave and the Cave of her birth; if it weren’t for her cousin Marona, who had offered Tasina a place at her hearth in the Twelfth Cave, she’d have no place to go at all. Madenia would probably have her tortured, maybe even killed. The man is right, Madenia is a flathead female, Tasina thought furiously. Her head continued to throb. Now her skin was starting to itch and tingle at the slightest touch. The wind felt like knives, her clothing as if it was lined with burrs.

"Let’s find a patch of shade," she said to the Losadunai man. The sun was bothering her. Sunlight had never bothered her before, but now she felt blinded as if she’d lived in the depths of the Sacred Caves most of her life. What on earth is wrong with me? she thought. "We need to make our plans. We will wait and watch until Ayla and Jondalar have left the Cave. It would be best if Marthona leaves too, but it doesn’t matter if she is there because she’s only an old woman and can be overpowered. Or if Madenia wanders away from the Cave by herself we can take her then. I will then go to the Cave on the pretext of getting my belongings, and will try to make sure she drinks the ‘tea’ I make for her, which should make her sleepy. You wait outside the Cave where you cannot be seen. I will send you a signal and when the time is right you join me, and we can drag the woman away from the Cave and kill her and her baby - slowly."

"You must understand, I can not let Jondalar or Ayla find me."

"Why not?" Coward, thought Tasina. Just like all the rest of them. The Mother has saddled me with so many useless men in my life, I wonder what I have done to displease Her. "What are you afraid of? Are we in this together or aren’t we?"

The man was not looking at Tasina. Instead, he was looking up to the tree branches above them, with a bewildered and fearful expression on his face. "Look!"

Tasina looked up. She gasped. A snow leopard! They were very rare in Zelandonii country, and then were only found in the forested areas. What was this one doing here? The great cat crouched silently in the branches, staring right down at Tasina and the man with slanted green eyes that looked almost human. The man fumbled for his spear, then managed to throw it, albeit clumsily. Not much of a hunter, Tasina reflected. No wonder he looks half-starved.

As the spear hit the cat, it suddenly vanished, leaving no trace. The man’s spear hung limply, caught in the tree branches. Nothing was there.

Tasina and the strange man exchanged fearful glances. It had to be a spirit, thought Tasina with growing fear. She remembered that the woman Madenia claimed to have a snow leopard totem. Was this a sign? Did it mean they were on the right path? Or was it the Mother’s way of telling them that they had gone too far? Tasina’s hand found her donii on its thong around her neck and clutched it. For the first time in moons, she felt frightened. Have I unleashed something which I cannot control? she wondered.

The man laughed. "Shhh!" Tasina shushed him. "We cannot risk being heard. Do you want Ayla and Jondalar out tracking us and finding where we are?" She scowled at the stranger. "What in the name of Doni is your name, anyway? You know mine. If we are in this together, you must tell me yours."

"Charoli," the man whispered.

"I am going on a Search tonight," Madenia announced as she helped Ayla and Marthona prepare the evening meal. "My totem came to me and told me it was very important that I do this."

"Can’t you wait until Zelandoni comes back?" Echozar looked up from the spear he was mending. "It won’t be long, only a few days if that. I don’t want anything happening to you." He looked worried. "If you’re Searching for herds to hunt, we can’t hunt them anyway until the rest of the Cave returns. I know you think we’re the greatest hunters Doni ever made, Madenia, but Jondalar and I by ourselves can’t drive herds over the cliffs."

"No, I cannot wait, my totem said I must do it tonight. It has nothing to do with herds or hunting. She - my totem - said it had to do with me. She also said I would have help. My totem told me ‘search tonight’, and I will," Madenia finished stubbornly, as she stuffed the ptarmigan in preparation for roasting them in a pit. Ayla was teaching her to prepare what she referred to as "Creb’s favorite dish." There were no eggs to stuff the ptarmigan with this close to autumn, but there were plenty of herbs to season the birds with as well as vegetables to stuff them. This Clan, Madenia reflected, had quite sophisticated taste in food. Mother and Laduni thought they ate their meat raw, like beasts. Wouldn’t they be surprised when Madenia showed everyone how to make Clan recipes. If Ayla had learned healing from a Clan medicine woman, then they were remarkable healers as well. Ayla knew more herbal remedies than anyone Madenia had ever known, even Solandia. When I get back to my own Cave and train to become losaduna - which I am sure I will - I am going to try to find a Clan medicine woman to learn from too, Madenia thought, and was surprised at her thoughts. First things first, she told herself sternly. Before you go making grand plans, let’s see what happens when you bring your half-Clan mate and mixed child home to your mother and Cave. You must be strong for their sake and for the love you bear them.

"If Madenia’s totem told her she must Search tonight, then she has no choice," Ayla told Echozar. "Totems are there to protect and guide you. My totem brought me Jondalar, as well as saving my life many times. We will all protect and watch over Madenia while she Searches tonight."

Jondalar smiled sympathetically at the dark-haired young man beside him. "It is not easy having a mate with zelandoni powers. Madenia is chosen by the Mother just as Ayla is. There are times you must set aside your own wish for an ordinary woman who does ordinary things and accept that your mate has a larger destiny. I know I love Ayla so much because she is the powerful woman that she is. The Mother chose you to be Madenia’s mate because she needs you and what you have to offer, just as Ayla needs me. You can’t stand between her and her powers. Madenia is a very strong woman, stronger than you know." Jondalar was very glad that Madenia had chosen Echozar to be her mate, even though she was rejecting his own brother in Echozar’s favor. Madenia and Echozar were so radiantly, obviously in love, that one couldn’t help feeling happy for them. Madenia couldn’t have mated Joharran anyway; she belonged in her own Cave, with her family. There, she could Serve the Mother and still have a mate.

Ayla, too, was happy for Madenia and Echozar. She felt that they were as perfectly well suited as she and Jondalar were, and hoped they’d find a lifetime of happiness and a baby as perfect as her own Mariza was. Ayla was apprehensive about the reception they would get at Madenia’s Cave. Maybe things had changed in the cycle of the seasons since she’d been at the Losadunai cave; maybe Madenia would make them accept her and Echozar, just as she, Ayla, was winning respect and acceptance amongst the Zelandonii. If worst came to worst, the Lanzadonii would welcome a skilled hunter and a shamaness with open arms, no matter their background.

After the meal, Madenia made preparations to do her Search. She threw herbs onto the central fire to fill the cave with their pungent aroma, to help put her in the right frame of mind for Searching. Jondalar and Marthona found some drums left behind from the Summer Meeting.

"I can’t play," protested Echozar.

"It doesn’t matter. Madenia just needs the rhythm to help her Search. The three of you play the drums, I will sit with Madenia and help her if I can." Ayla took her place next to Madenia. Her main skill was Healing, but she had been developing her Searching abilities for a while, first with Mamut, now with Zelandoni. If Madenia needed help, she would be there. Ayla wondered who the other ‘helper’ Madenia referred to was. Her totem perhaps?

As the chanting and drumming took effect, Madenia slowly slipped into trance. She felt herself leave her body. The sensation was now familiar, not frightening. She drifted out of the Cave and over the moonlit landscape.

"Where am I supposed to look? Snow Leopard, show me what I am supposed to be searching for."

A nebulous, misty form before her slowly coalesced into a large, richly furred snow leopard. Its green eyes were full of love and wisdom as it stared at Madenia. "Wait," it said. "There is someone else here who wants to help us."

"Greetings in the name of the Mother. And, by the way - congratulations on your upcoming Promise. You won’t even think of running off, will you?"

"Lanzadoni! What are you doing here?" Madenia had expected to see the woman again on her way back to the Losadunai, but not here in the other dimension. Being a shaman was taking some getting used to. There were journeys, and then there were Journeys.

"My dear Madenia, I am a Searcher, after all. I thought I told you that. I had quite the dream the other night. You are in quite a bit of danger, and that is what your totem wanted to warn you about. Now calm down, Madenia, your totem and I are here to help you. You didn’t think I would forget about you after you left our Cave, now did you?"

Madenia hadn’t thought about Lanzadoni watching over her all this time, but she was glad the woman’s duna-form was there to help. She wondered what kind of danger she was in, and felt apprehensive.

"Now let’s follow your totem and see where she leads us. O Snow Leopard, show us where the danger to Madenia lies." Lanzadoni, Madenia and the spirit-leopard floated over the nighttime landscape. They came to a little grove of trees near a bend in the river. It was not far from the Cave. Madenia drifted closer. It looked like a campsite! A small tent was set up, with what looked like a sleeping figure inside. Madenia and Lanzadoni drifted through the tent walls while the snow leopard hovered outside. Tasina was inside the tent, lying in her sleeping furs. She was acting very strange - drooling, muttering to herself and gnashing her teeth.

"Is she ill?" Madenia asked Lanzadoni. "Or is her hate consuming her and turning her into a demon? Why does she hate me so much? What have I done to her?"

"Tasina is a hateful person, and that is what makes her dangerous. She has lost everything she had, and blames you for it. But the greater danger lurks outside. Follow your totem."

The two disembodied women followed the spirit-leopard outside. They drifted toward the trees, then stopped. The leopard protectively put itself between Madenia and the ragged figure emerging from the greenery. Madenia saw the man’s face and screamed. She kept screaming as horror coursed through her spirit form, sending her snapping back into her body lying on the floor of the Cave.

Next thing she knew she found herself sitting up inside the Cave. Echozar had his arms around her protectively and was stroking her hair. "Sssh, Madenia, it’s alright, you’re safe here, and whatever it is I will protect you." He kissd her tenderly and held her close. Ayla ran to prepare a cup of chamomile tea. Marthona was holding the baby and staring worriedly at Madenia. "Are you all right? What did you see that frightened you so?"

"Charoli," Madenia gasped. "Charoli followed me here. He must have escaped from his cave, and learned I was on my Journey, and tracked me. He is with Tasina, Joharran’s former mate. Both of them hate me. I know why Charoli does, but I don’t know what I ever did to Tasina to make her hate me. That is the danger my totem warned me about."

"Tomorrow morning, as soon as the sun rises, I am going out after them," Echozar said grimly. He embraced Madenia protectively. "I promised to protect and defend you, Madenia, and I swear before the Mother that I will. I won’t let any harm come to you, I promise."

"I am going with you," said Jondalar and Ayla at once. The next morning, Echozar and Jondalar departed, spears and knives in hand, with the very first rays of the rising sun. All three women wanted to accompany them, but were persuaded to stay behind.

"Madenia, both you and Ayla have babies to think about. Mother, I know you are an expert tracker, but Joharran, not to mention the rest of the Ninth Cave, would never forgive us if something happened to you - you may no longer be leader, but you are still advisor. You and Ayla stay here and help defend Madenia if either one of those two happens by the Cave." Jondalar picked up his best spear and waited by the Cave entrance for Echozar to join him.

Madenia and Echozar kissed and embraced fervently. "I will never, ever let anything happen to you, Madenia. When I come back it will be with news that this Charoli hyena walks the Mother’s frozen underworld." He kissed her again in farewell. "I love you, Madenia."

"I love you too, Echozar. Hurry back." Madenia waved farewell, but there was worry in her eyes. She turned to go back into the Cave with Marthona, Ayla and baby Mariza.

The two men walked silently in the direction Madenia had told them, toward the river. They were looking for signs that people had been there - footprints, traces of fire, trampled brush and the like. Echozar had learned to be an expert tracker growing up as a matter of survival. At his little hearth, there were only two hunters - him and Andovan, and Echozar was only a boy and Andovan was quite old. The odds had been stacked against them, and they needed sharp senses, quick minds, and every survival skill they could muster. Then after Andovan and his mother had died in quick succession, leaving him alone to survive as best he could, Echozar’s tracking skills had made the difference between eating and starving. Now they came in handy to protect the woman he loved, and her child.

As they drew closer and closer to the river, Echozar and Jondalar started finding signs of other humans all over the place. There was a cooking fire, a few embers still smoldering in the ashes. What a way to start a potentially dangerous grass fire, thought Echozar in disgust as he kicked dirt over the remains. People could have been killed, or the animals driven away and plants burned, causing a famine later in the winter. Both men walked as silently as they could, listening intently for tell-tale noises. The signs of human habitation were growing stronger as they approached the clump of trees where Madenia told them the noisome duo were hiding themselves. When they were almost at the clump of trees by the bend in the river, Echozar wrinkled up his nose. Something smelled very, very bad. Then he heard a rustling sound. He and Jondalar got out their spears and crept soundlessly forward, toward the sound and foul odor. Behind a tree, a thin, ragged man squatted, relieving himself.

"Greetings, Charoli."

The man looked up from his undignified position to find two very large, very angry men pointing spears at his throat. What was going on? Couldn’t a man move his bowels in peace around here? Then he recognized the tall, blond man holding one of the spears and his heart sank. This was the man whose punch had knocked him unconscious the last time they met. As for the other man...Charoli’s throat tightened with hatred. Was he a flathead? Charoli remembered the good old days of making sport of the flathead animals, beating up the men and raping the women. Thanks to Madenia, those days were long since gone. He had nothing to rape a woman with, and he couldn’t very well beat up a powerfully built flathead male by himself. On second glance, this man looked like one of those half-animal abominations - even worse than a flathead male. He was the ugliest creature Charoli had ever seen - but powerfully built, heavily muscled, wielding a sharp spear and looking furiously angry. The creature said something in a low, menacing voice. Charoli couldn’t understand all the Zelandonii words, but he caught the name "Madenia." Oh no, not her again. Was Madenia sent by Duna herself to make his life miserable?

Jondalar, still holding his spear to Charoli’s throat, spoke in broken Losadunai. "This man, Echozar, mate of Madenia. Charoli defile Madenia. Madenia mate, kin punish Charoli."

"You lie!" Charoli, minus his trousers, scrambled to stand up. He sprawled undignifiedly on the ground as the two men above him jabbed their spears at him. "Madenia asked for it! I only gave her what she wanted!" The taller man’s expression darkened. He turned to the shorter, dark one and spoke rapidly in Zelandonii. The mixed-spirits man’s face suddenly looked like a thundercloud. Charoli had never seen such loathing on any face, human or animal, as the man’s dark eyes fixed on him. Charoli trembled. He realized how alone, unprotected and friendless he was. His kin had disowned him, he dared not go back to his tribe. Even Tasina seemed to have deserted him - there had been no sign of her since last night. Charoli’s former swaggering arrogance was replaced by cowering fear. He heard the cackle of a hyena coming from the small cave by the riverbank near the trees.

"How...how did you find me?"

"Madenia Search." Jondalar smiled grimly yet triumphantly at the supine figure below him. "Madenia losaduna. Madenia powerful, much loved. Charoli weak. Charoli hated. Charoli...animal. Flathead male."

Madenia a losaduna? Charoli couldn’t believe it. She was just a snivelling girl, weak like all women were. Women weren’t meant to be leaders or shamans, they were to serve men and do what they were told. That was one thing those flathead animals were right about.

The hyena cackled again, and this time was joined by others. Charoli saw the dark man speak rapidly to Jondalar. Jondalar nodded. Both men turned to Charoli and lifted their spears. Charoli screamed in agony as Echozar and Jondalar drove a spear into each shoulder, pinioning him helplessly to the ground.

"That’s for Madenia, you filth. Walk the frozen underworld of the Mother for all time." Charoli was beyond understanding what the mixed-spirits man said to him, as he writhed in agony on the ground. He saw the two men walk away. As they disappeared, Charoli heard, with unspeakable terror, the cackling of the hyenas as they scented his blood. He could smell their foulness as they came closer and closer.

Charoli howled in agony as the first hyena tore into his belly. He flailed helplessly when two more of the ugly scavengers started devouring his entrails. The last thing he felt was the carrion breath of a fourth hyena as it tore his throat to shreds. Back in the Cave, Madenia tried to concentrate on the basket she was weaving, to no avail. She kept glancing anxiously towards the mouth of the Cave. Finally, able to concentrate no longer, she threw down the half-finished basket and started pacing back and forth in front of the hearth. As if in response to its mother’s tension, the baby in her belly kicked. Madenia put her hands on her abdomen as if to reassure the child inside.

"Madenia, come over here and sit down. You won’t bring them back by pacing about." Ayla studied Madenia with some apprehension. For being only six moons along, she was huge. Ayla hoped the baby wouldn’t be so large that Madenia would be unable to deliver it, and die in the attempt. She knew that death in childbirth was not uncommon. Ayla herself would have died if Iza had not been present at Durc’s birth. She tried not to think of the grim possibility of Madenia’s death and Echozar choosing to follow her to the Mother, which if she died, he probably would.

Smiling brightly to cover her uneasy thoughts, Ayla asked Madenia if she would like a cup of tea.

Madenia did not answer. Instead, she had stopped pacing about and was staring fixedly at the mouth of the cave. "Ayla! Look!"

A small figure was standing in the mouth of the Cave. Its clothes were torn and dirty, its hair matted with burrs and mud. Madenia slowly, apprehensively approached it. Whoever, or whatever it was, was twitching and mumbling incoherently. It lifted its head and stared, glassy-eyed, into the cave. Madenia suddenly realized it was Tasina.

Catching sight of Madenia, Tasina lunged for her. Tasina’s eyes were bloodshot, and she was frothing at the mouth. She staggered towards Madenia, arms outstretched, babbling incomprehensibly about bats, demons, and the Mother. Trailing gobbets of saliva, she threw herself at Madenia, missed, and stumbled past her to crash against the far wall of the cave and crumple into a heap, still frothing and muttering.

"What in the name of Duna is wrong with her? She’s gone mad!" Madenia gasped as she quickly moved out of the way to safety. Had Tasina’s hatred consumed her and turned her into a demon? That raving, wild-eyed creature huddled against the cave wall bore no resemblance to the sleekly arrogant woman Madenia remembered from earlier.

Ayla jumped up from her hearth and ran towards Madenia, grabbing her arm and pulling her so that she stood between Tasina and the entrance to the cave. "Marthona, get over here with the baby and stand behind me! You too, Madenia. Stay away from Tasina! Do not go near her!

"But..."

"Just do as I say! Quickly!" Madenia and Marthona hurried to do as they were told. Ayla must know something they didn’t. Perhaps she had seen people turned into demons before. She was a Healer, she knew what she was talking about.

Slowly, Ayla moved to her hearth, where she picked up a bowl of water that had been sitting by the fire, in preparation for heating. She approached Tasina, still holding the bowl.

The effect on Tasina was extraordinary. She emitted a gurgling scream of pure terror and ran away, flailing her arms. Her face was the color of a ripe plum and she made little choking sounds.

Ayla shook her head sadly. "I somehow suspected. Madenia and Marthona, I want you to go outside and stand as far out of the way as you can. I am going to get her out of this Cave. She’s very, very dangerous, so don’t let her near you." Holding the water bowl, she offered it to Tasina. "Here, have a drink of water." Choking and gagging, Tasina backed away from Ayla. Slowly, Ayla forced her to the mouth of the Cave. With a final tortured scream, Tasina staggered erratically out of the cave and down the slope.

"You can come in now. I don’t think she will be back. At any rate, she is not going to live much longer."

Madenia and Marthona with Mariza in her arms slowly crept back into the cave. "What happened to Tasina? Is she a cursed spirit?" Madenia asked Ayla. "You acted as if you’d seen that happen before."

"I never have, but my mother, Iza, told me what her own mother had told her. Iza’s mother said that if a hunter was attacked by a wolf acting strangely, or if a child picked up a bat that was too sick to fly, sometimes the person would later come down with what she called ‘rage-sickness’. There is no cure and no treatment, no-one has ever found a herb that will cure it. The person drools, foams at the mouth, and is deathly afraid of water. Tasina will be dead in a day or so." Ayla sighed. "I am glad she is out of this Cave, a person with the rage-sickness is very dangerous. Fortunately, mother’s mother told me it is rare. I’ve never seen anyone with it before, and I hope I never will again."

Madenia slowly went to her bed platform and sat down. Her legs felt as wobbly as a newborn colt’s. No more adventures for me, she decided then and there. I’ve had plenty to tell any future grandchildren of mine, she thought to herself, and now all I want to do is have my baby and bring it and my mate home to my Cave, where I will serve the Mother and do my stitchery and never, never leave home again. When I dreamed of adventure all those cycles of the seasons ago, I never thought it would include almost being killed - twice.

Just then Jondalar and Echozar walked into the cave. They looked pale, drawn and hollow eyed. Echozar walked over to Madenia and embraced her tightly. She could feel him trembling. His eyes were red-rimmed.

"Charoli is dead. The hyenas got him. He will never bother you again, Madenia. It is up to the Mother to judge his spirit." Madenia wondered what Echozar had done to Charoli, and knew instinctively how much it had cost him. Murder, in fact any form of physical violence, was extremely rare and considered abhorrent. What he and Jondalar had done - for her sake - would weigh upon their spirits forever. Madenia looked from him to Jondalar. "I am so sorry you had to do this for me. Can you ever forgive me for driving you to this?" Madenia started to cry.

Jondalar said wearily, "It had to be done, Madenia. It is not your fault. He killed the other Losadunai woman when she tried to stop him from stealing from her Cave, remember? There were other women he raped, as well, and men he delighted in beating and tormenting. Left alone and unpunished, he could have even started a war with the Clan." Jondalar told a horrified Madenia the full details of Charoli and his cohort’s attempted rape of Yorga and assault on Guban, the Clan leaders who lived on the other side of the Mother River. Madenia knew that Charoli and his gang had delighted in tormenting the Clan. What she didn’t know - and what Jondalar now told her - was that the Clan might very well have attempted a raid on the Losadunai in revenge for what Charoli and the rest of them had done. She shivered.

Jondalar continued, "Who knows what Charoli would have done after he escaped the second time. He had been punished, but was unrepentant. It is for the best that he is dead. Not just for you, Madenia, but for all of us, Zelandonii, Lanzadonii, Losadunai, and Clan alike. Sometimes, one must do a small wrong in order to avert a greater one. Charoli is gone to the Mother now. Let Her be his final judge." From far away outside the cave came a sound of travelling people. Chattering, laughing voices and the clatter of draggers being pulled over the ground came closer and closer. The Ninth Cave was back from the Summer Meeting. The whirlwind of fall, of hunting the now fat and sleek herds of bison, reindeer and aurochs, the gathering and storing of Doni’s bounty against the winter, would soon begin.

"Greetings!" Joharran strode into the cave, followed by Zelandoni. The rest of the Ninth Cave were behind them. Everyone scattered to their various hearths and set to unpacking their belongings. Joharran embraced first Jondalar, then Marthona, then Ayla, and chucked Mariza under her chin and cooed at her.

"Where is Madenia? I have something I want to ask her." Joharran looked around at the visitor’s hearth. The flap covering the door to the hide enclosure surrounding the hearth was shut. Joharran walked over to the hearth and made as if to scratch on the entrance flap. Zelandoni stopped him.

"I wouldn’t go in there if I were you. I don’t think Madenia wants to be disturbed right now." She returned to unpacking her packframe and arranging her belongings on the storage platform.

Joharran listened. It sounded as if people were sharing Pleasures in that hearth. The woman sounded like Madenia - Joharran’s ears reddened - but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out who the man was. Who could Madenia be honoring the Mother with? To his knowledge, only Ayla, Jondalar and Marthona were left behind when the rest went to Summer Meeting. Maybe they’d had a visitor. Joharran turned around as he heard a noise behind him. It was Willomar, making snorting sounds of suppressed laughter.

"What’s so funny?" Joharran asked irritably. He had been expecting Madenia to be waiting for him with outstretched arms upon his return, and she hadn’t even acknowledged his presence so far, instead she was enclosed in her hearth sharing Pleasures with some stranger.

"Ah - nothing, nothing at all." Willomar suppressed another guffaw and walked over to his and Marthona’s hearth. After hugs and kisses of greeting, talk soon turned to trade and family gossip.

"What’s this? I thought I told Tasina to have all her belongings out of this hearth when I came back! Nothing’s been touched. Has she been here at all?" This was not turning out to be the homecoming Joharran had anticipated.

"Here, Joharran, I found this out by the river." A woman handed Joharran a packframe and tent she had found.

"Thank you, Keora," said Joharran absently as he took the tent and packframe. He recognized them as Tasina’s. What had happened to her?

"Joharran, there is something we must tell you. It’s about Tasina." Jondalar and Ayla were standing by his hearth. The three of them went inside the enclosure surrounding the hearth and shut the hide flap covering.

"Tasina was here earlier," said Ayla soberly. "She came into the cave this morning and attacked Madenia. Then she ran outside and no one has been able to find her. She is very ill and is not in her right mind. The Clan word for what she has, would be translated as ‘rage-sickness.’ I have never seen it, but my mother told me about it, and her mother had seen it. Tasina will be dead in a day or so. I am sorry, Joharran. I know she was a troublesome mate and a very...discourteous woman, but it is a terrible way to die."

There were tears in Joharran’s eyes. He no longer had any love for Tasina, but he had only wished to sever the knot with her, not see her dead. "Has anyone gone to find her?" He called for two of the better hunters and trackers in the Cave and told them to track Tasina down and bring her back. "You don’t understand, Joharran. There is nothing you or anyone can do for her now. There is no cure for the rage-sickness. If she attacks anyone in the Cave, it could be very dangerous."

"Very well then, the least I can do is talk to her outside the Cave. I want to know what happened, if the anger she felt grew inside her until she turned into a cursed spirit or what happened."

Just then someone scratched at the hide covering. What could possibly be next, Joharran wondered in exasperation. "Who is it?"

"It’s Madenia. I need to talk to you."

"We were just leaving," said Jondalar as he and Ayla left. In walked Madenia, and she was not alone. Joharran gaped.

"Echozar, what are you doing here?"

"He has asked me to be his mate, and I have accepted. That is what I want to tell you, Joharran. I am going to mate Echozar and bring him home to my people and my Cave. I love him, and he loves me. I have spoken to Zelandoni and she has given her blessing on our union." Madenia stood before Joharran, tall and beautiful, with a firm jaw and a determined look in her eye. Echozar was beside her, his arm around her shoulders. He looked Joharran straight in the eye with a confidence no one had ever seen in him before. Suddenly he didn’t look so ugly anymore.

"It is true. Madenia and I love each other, and I would let the Mother take me from this world rather than lose her. If you do not want us to stay in your Cave, let us know, and we will go - but I am not giving up Madenia." Beside him, Madenia nodded in confirmation and put her arm around Echozar’s waist.

"I could never have mated you anyway, Joharran. You know I have to go back to the Losadunai. I promised my mother. I have no sisters. I am needed at home, and you are leader of this Cave." With that, Madenia and Echozar turned and left. Arms around each other, they strolled out of the cave, on their way to the river to bathe.

Joharran put his head in his hands. This was not the way things were supposed to work out. Now he had no mate, and the prospect of spending the winter in the same cave as Madenia and her new promised one. How could she reject me in favor of an ugly, mixed-spirits man? thought Joharran despairingly. What does she see in him? He has no birth status, and he may very well get her exiled from her own Cave, if they are as prejudiced as most of the Zelandonii are.

Zelandoni poked her head inside his hearth enclosure. "Don’t even think of turning Madenia and Echozar out of the Cave, Joharran. Echozar will be a great help in the hunting, and Madenia is a Searcher. Besides, Madenia is going to have her baby in two or three moons. They could make it to the Lanzadonii cave before then, but what if the baby comes early? Would you have Madenia giving birth in a meadow? I won’t hear any nonsense about them leaving. Echozar and Madenia are welcome at my hearth until springtime. I, Zelandoni, say so. As for them mating, I think it’s a fine match. It is the will of the Mother that they are together. In fact, if I say so myself, they remind me of Ayla and Jondalar." With that, Zelandoni left for her own hearth.

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside the cave. Joharran got up and ran with the rest of its inhabitants to the mouth of the cave to see what was the matter.

Echozar walked up, soaking wet, carrying something in his arms. Behind him came Madenia, her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with horror. Echozar lay the soaking bundle he carried at Joharran’s feet. Joharran looked down, not wanting to see.

It was Tasina, dead, her eyes bulging out of their sockets, her features contorted in a mask of sheer terror.

There was a babble of voices. No one particularly mourned Tasina, but everyone wanted to know what had happened.

"I found her in the river, drowned," said Echozar.

"She was terribly afraid of water the last time I saw her," Madenia added. "Ayla used a bowl of water to chase her out of the Cave. She must have fallen into the river, and panicked and drowned. I never liked the woman, but it’s a terrible way to die." Echozar took Madenia’s hand and hurried her inside. Joharran looked at Zelandoni, who nodded grimly at him.

"I shall prepare her for burial and send a runner to her birth Cave telling them the sad news. Not that she has many mourners." The Great Earth Mother had been unusually generous with her offerings this year. The fall hunts had all been a great success. Just as Zelandoni had predicted, Echozar had proven himself a great asset on the hunting expeditions. Even those of the Zelandoni who had not wanted the mixed-spirits man staying with them, were slowly gaining respect for his skill as a hunter and toolmaker, as well as his quiet strength of character and obvious devotion to Madenia. Most of the Cave now wished Echozar and Madenia weren’t leaving in the springtime. They would have added much value and status to their Cave, just as Ayla had done.

Madenia walked back to her hearth after putting one last basket of dried and parched grain away in the storage area at the back of the cave. The storage area was full to overflowing – not only dried meat, but grains, dried fruits and vegetables, nuts and tubers were stacked in baskets and rawhide containers. There was so much food stored, there would be no danger of late winter famine no matter how hard the winds blew and the snow fell. The Zelandonii had celebrated their harvest festival, the same one the Losadunai called their feast of death and rebirth, a few days earlier. It would be a happy winter, with craft-making, story-telling, and other amusements to while away the dark cold days.

As Madenia sat on the bed platform, Echozar put down the spear he was making and took her hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I cannot wait until the baby is born, I feel as if I’m about to burst – ow!" Madenia cried out in surprise and squeezed Echozar’s hand, hard, as a contraction hit her.

"What is wrong? Is it the baby?"

"No, no, it can’t possibly be. The baby isn’t due for another moon. It’s too early."

"I’ll get Ayla." Echozar put down the weapon he was making and hurried over to Ayla’s hearth.

"No, no, wait, there’s no reason to disturb her. It’s nothing, just a little pain. I’ll be fine!" Madenia called after him, but it was too late. Echozar was already at Ayla and Jondalar’s hearth and was talking to Ayla.

Echozar returned to the visitor’s hearth with Ayla. She was carrying her medicine bag. Zelandoni, who had been meditating before her hearth, joined them.

Madenia was about to protest that she was fine, really, and that Echozar worried too much, but just then another contraction hit. Madenia bit her lip to keep from crying out.

Ayla and Zelandoni examined Madenia and reassured her, "It does look as if this baby is in rather a hurry to come into the world. I will make you an herb tea to relax you. This is your first baby, and you are only in the first stage of your labor yet. It is going to be quite a while, so you might as well relax." Ayla spoke reassuringly, but she and Zelandoni exchanged worried glances. It was as well that Madenia’s baby was being born early, Ayla thought to herself. It won’t be so large, mother and child will both have a better chance of surviving. Ayla hadn’t wanted to admit the worry she had felt for most of Madenia’s pregnancy, that Madenia with her slight build would not survive the birth of a large, part-Clan baby.

"You’d better make that two cups of relaxing tea, Ayla," said Zelandoni. Echozar was trying his best to remain calm, but panic showed in his large brown eyes. His dark skin had a greenish undertone of fear. Zelandoni remembered how anxious and worried Jondalar had been during Ayla’s labor. All men worried the first time their mates or promised ones bore a child to their hearths. This one looked more upset than most. Tomorrow morning I am going to send him off on a long hunting expedition, Zelandoni decided.

Madenia lay on the bed platform and squeezed Echozar’s hand as another contraction hit her. She suddenly felt very anxious, giving birth for the first time in a strange Cave, far from home. She felt a wave of homesickness wash over her, and wanted to be at home in her own hearth with her mother for company.

Ayla handed Madenia and Echozar each a cup of tea. Echozar sniffed it and made a face. "What is in it?"

"Valerian, that is what makes it smell bad, also chamomile and raspberry leaf. It is calming and strengthening. Both of you need to relax, there is nothing wrong, women have always been having babies and Zelandoni and I will be here for the birth. Madenia will be just fine, and soon you will have the first child of your hearth to love."

"You will need your sleep, Echozar, because tomorrow morning you and Jondalar are going to go on a hunting trip. A long hunting trip," said Zelandoni firmly.

Madenia sat, Echozar’s arms around her, as she obediently sipped her tea. She was glad that Ayla and Zelandoni were going to be there for the birth. "Please, Duna, make my child healthy and strong – and make it a girl. I want a little girl," Madenia thought to herself. "I have packed your weapons, your spear-thrower, a change of clothes and some travelling food. We are going to go on a hunting trip. Zelandoni said she did not want to see our faces in the Cave for two risings of the sun. Come on, Echozar, let’s go." Jondalar was standing before the visitor’s hearth holding two packframes.

"I don’t want to leave Madenia," Echozar stubbornly insisted. He had hardly slept a wink the night before. There were dark circles etched under his eyes. As soon as dawn brightened the horizon, Ayla and Zelandoni had gently but firmly ushered him out of the hearth and shut the enclosure around it. Men were generally not welcome at birthings. Jondalar sympathized, knowing how much he had wanted to be present at Mariza’s birth, but at this point Echozar could do nothing for Madenia. He’d only be in the way.

"Madenia will birth her baby whether you are there or not. She is in the best hands possible with Ayla and Zelandoni helping her. You’ll just be underfoot and have hot water spilled upon you. One or the other will lose her patience and yell at you, and believe me you don’t want either one of those two losing her temper." Jondalar took Echozar’s arm and pulled him away from the hearth. Sighing, he followed Jondalar from the cave.

It was a cool, crisp, beautiful autumn morning. The deciduous trees were showing brilliant yellows, reds and oranges, some of them almost looking as if they had been set afire. At Jondalar’s suggestion, the two men set off to the south-west. The Ninth Cave was only a few day’s walk from the Great Waters of the west, and Jondalar thought that with two day’s of walking, they might catch sight of it. Echozar had never seen the Great Waters before. The novel sight might serve to distract him from worrying about Madenia.

"I remember Madenia telling me how much she wanted to see the Great Waters on her Journey. Before we return to the Losadunai, maybe we can travel west so she can see them." Echozar turned to his companion. "What if we come back to the Cave and Madenia is dead? So many women die in childbirth. I lost Joplaya, I don’t want to lose Madenia. If I lose Madenia, I will follow her to the Mother rather than live alone."

Jondalar didn’t quite know what to say. He and Echozar were more alike than at first he had wanted to admit. Both men were intense and passionate and deeply attached to those they loved. Knowing how he himself felt about Ayla, Jondalar sympathized with Echozar’s worry for Madenia. At long last, the young man had recovered from Joplaya’s leaving, mostly because he had fallen in love with Madenia. If Madenia were to die from what promised to be a difficult childbirth - Jondalar didn’t want to think about it. Instead, he said reassuringly,

"Women have babies every day. I was frantic with worry when Ayla had Mariza, but it was all for nothing. Ayla survived, and now I have a beautiful daughter of my hearth. Madenia has a strong totem to help her. Both Zelandoni and Ayla think she was chosen by the Mother for a special purpose, just as Ayla has been. When we return to the cave it will be to hear news that Madenia has borne a healthy baby girl or boy and that mother and child are doing well."

Echozar desperately wanted to believe what Jondalar said. He said a silent prayer to the Mother that Madenia would be alive and well when they returned to the cave. The two men walked on in silence, their footfalls and the calls of birds the only noise. At noon they stopped to rest and eat. They continued following the river towards the Great Water. So far they hadn’t seen any game that the two of them could take easily; Jondalar said that didn’t really matter, even if they returned empty-handed, the important thing was that they were out from underfoot.

By nightfall, they still hadn’t caught anything. Echozar was beginning to grow frustrated. What kind of a hunter was he if he couldn’t bring any game back to his future mate and new baby upon his return? Jondalar’s assurances that Echozar had more than proven his hunting prowess earlier in the autumn were to no avail. As night began to fall, Echozar grew more and more irritable and short-tempered. He finally agreed to stop and make camp for the night after Jondalar quite reasonably pointed out that they might wind up being lion food if they kept on walking in the dark.

"I don’t want to have to bring your corpse back to the cave for Madenia to see," Jondalar had told him. "It’s time for bed." They set up their tent and unrolled their sleeping furs. Echozar undressed, crawled into his furs and soon succumbed to an exhausted sleep. The next morning, after the two men had dismantled their tent, bathed in the river, and ate breakfast, they set off again. They wouldn’t be allowed in the Cave until the next morning, so they continued to follow the river, looking for likely game. Suddenly up ahead they spotted a small herd of megaceros, the deer with the giant antlers. "We can’t expect much success with only the two of us," Jondalar said. "We didn’t take the horses, and two men on foot isn’t enough force to bring down large game."

"But look, that one is old. It’s having trouble keeping up with the rest. We should at least try to go after it. Better us than the hyenas."

Jondalar looked and saw Echozar was right. An aged male was trailing the herd, having trouble keeping up with the rest. Perhaps the two of them could bring something back to the cave after all. Not that they didn’t have enough dried meat, hides and sinew, but more was always welcome. The hunters quickly formed a plan of attack, doffed their packframes, got out their spears and spear-throwers, and set off after the herd.

The megaceroses sensed danger and began to move faster, but the straggler was soon exhausted. He began to fall further and further behind and soon was within reach of the men and their weapons. Echozar and Jondalar threw their spears and the beast fell.

As they built fires to keep scavengers away, retrieved their packs and fell to the tedious task of skinning and butchering, Echozar said, "I wish I had known about spear-throwers when I had to hunt for myself. I can’ t tell you how many times I nearly starved to death." A shadow crossed his face. "I wish I had your gift. You invent things, and you can make any woman fall in love with you. Joplaya was in love with you, wasn’t she? That is why she left the way she did."

"I know. And I am more sorry than I can say about Joplaya. She knew that we could never have mated, not only because we are close-cousins, but because Ayla is the only woman I will ever love. You are lucky that you fell in love with Madenia after Joplaya left. You would never have been happy with Joplaya anyway, Echozar. Loving someone who does not return your love cannot last, it turns into torment. Her lack of response would have eventually killed all the feelings you had for her. You might even have grown to hate her. Would you want to live your life like that?"

Echozar sighed, then shook his head. "No. No, I suppose not. And now I have Madenia, who does love me. Will she still love me when we return to the Losadunai, if they decide to exile her from her Cave?"

"If I know Madenia, yes, she will. She is one of the strongest women I know, and has grown up incredibly since I first met her. She told you what she went through the winter before last, didn’t she?" Echozar nodded assent. "The Mother chose the two of you to be together, because you are both survivors. You are part of Madenia’s purpose, just as I am part of Ayla’s." Jondalar smiled. "This looks just about done. Let’s bathe and change our clothes, we are filthy. Tomorrow morning we can make some draggers and pack all this up back to the Cave."

It had been two risings of the sun since Echozar and Jondalar had left on their hunting expedition. Quickly, they cut down slender trees and lashed them together with sinew to make draggers, to drag their haul of meat, hide, bone and huge megaceros antlers back to the Cave. Echozar worked mindlessly, desperately trying not to think of what awaited him back at the Cave. A new mother and baby? Or two corpses?

They loaded the draggers down with the butchered megaceros. After putting on their packframes, they each took a dragger and fastened it to their shoulders. Packframes and draggers together made a heavy load, but the men were strong from years of hunting and hauling heavy loads. They easily pulled the draggers after them as they made their way back to the Ninth Cave.

"We never did see the Great Water," said Echozar. "Before we leave for the Losadunai, I will bring Madenia to see it. She will be impressed."

"No, you didn’t get to see the Great Waters but soon you will see something even more miraculous," Jondalar told him.

They continued on in silence, as the sun rose higher and higher in the sky. They didn’t stop to rest for a noon meal, but instead continued on toward the cave. They were too eager to get home to be hungry.

As the sun was setting, they saw the familiar form of the Ninth Cave in the distance. Echozar wanted to run towards it but he couldn’t, burdened as he was with dragger and packframe. As they drew closer, someone ran out of the cave and hurried towards them. Echozar gripped Jondalar’s arm tightly, as he felt his heart thudding in his chest. Would it be good news or bad?

It was Folara, grinning from ear to ear. "Madenia has a daughter!"

Echozar remembered Madenia’s fervent wish for a baby girl. "And Madenia..."

"She had a difficult time but she’s doing very well. She’s asleep now. Echozar, what’s wrong? Jondalar, quick, grab him!"

Echozar felt Jondalar and Folara supporting him as his legs gave out and the world went black around him. Madenia lay exhausted but triumphant on her sleeping furs. Ayla placed her new baby girl, cleaned and wrapped in rabbit skins, in her arms. Even though she was born at eight moons, the baby was normal size. Madenia looked down at her baby, at first a littie apprehensive as to what she might find. The baby had a cap of thick, dark hair, and her eyes promised to be darkest brown.

"She is of Echozar’s spirit," said Madenia. "She looks a little like him, and a little like me." Madenia cradled her baby closer. The baby opened her mouth slightly and moved her head.

"She must be hungry," Madenia thought as she put the baby to her breast to nurse. She felt an overwhelming love for her new child, and then and there resolved that she would journey to the Endless Sea, if she had to, rather than give up her baby, even if it meant never seeing her mother or her Cave again.

"What are you going to name her?" Ayla asked.

"I want to give her a name that means a lot to me, that shows how proud I am that she is my first daughter," said Madenia. "I think I will call her Lenoria, for my mother’s mother. That will show my Cave that even though my child is of mixed spirits, she will carry on my hearth and my line."

"That is a fine choice," Zelandoni smiled. "Now you must be exhausted." She held a cup of tea to Madenia’s lips. "It’s oatstraw and chamomile, to relax you, and thistle and fennel for your milk." Madenia drank her tea and soon dozed off into an exhausted sleep, with baby Lenoria in her arms.

She was awakened at sunset by a noise and commotion outside the cave. "What’s wrong?" Madenia asked sleepily as she soothed her baby.

Folara ran into the hearth, stifling giggles. "I told Echozar the good news and your tough, brave hunter fainted, Madenia!"

"When my second mate, Dalanar, was told of Jondalar’s birth, he did the same thing," said Marthona. "If men had to give birth, I am sure there would be no babies born, ever!" Marthona turned to Madenia. "Here he is now. Ayla had to leave you to revive him. I’m sure he’ll be just fine once he sees you and the baby. Come on, Folara, let’s give Madenia and Echozar some privacy."

As Marthona and Folara left, Echozar walked into the hearth and over to Madenia. He knelt down to kiss her and stroke her hair. "How are you feeling? I was so afraid I’d come back to find you in the spirit world."

"Unless you and the whole Ninth Cave are in the spirit world as well, I’m still alive. It was difficult, and I am exhausted. But I am not ready to walk the next world yet." Madenia did not tell Echozar how difficult her labor was. She had been in labor two days and had never been in such agony in her life. Zelandoni assured her that the first birth was always the hardest, and Madenia fervently hoped she was right. "I love my baby too much to want to leave her anyway. Look at my daughter, isn’t she perfect? Ayla was right, she is of your spirit." Madenia held Lenoria out to Echozar, who hesitated.

"I don’t want to drop her. She’s awfully small."

"Ayla and Zelandoni say she is not small, especially for only eight moons. Go on, hold her, you’re sitting on the bed and can’t possibly drop her."

Echozar carefully cradled the baby. Looking at her, he saw that she had his dark hair and eyes, and would be a robust, big-boned child. She did not have prominent brow ridges, and it was as yet impossible to tell if her infant button nose would be as prominent as his. It didn’t matter. This was a child of his spirit, something he had never dared dream of. He’d never dared ask the Mother for such a favor, but She had granted him this blessing anyway. Tears streamed from his eyes.

"What’s the matter? The baby is supposed to cry - not you!"

"I am so happy, Madenia, this is something I never thought I’d have." He held the baby with one arm and embraced Madenia with the other. "I love you so much, Madenia. Thank you for this gift." The baby started to fuss with hunger, and Echozar handed her to her mother to nurse. "What are you going to name her?"

"Lenoria, for mother’s mother. She will have a name from my family because mixed or not, she is a child for my brothers and a grandchild for my mother. They are going to accept her." Madenia’s voice was firm and determined. "In the springtime, we will go back to the Losadunai, even if it means travelling north of the river. I want to bring my mate and my child home with me. If the Zelandonii can accept Ayla, the Losadunai can accept us."

Echozar was too tired to argue or protest. He climbed up on the bed platform and wrapped his arms around Madenia with the child in her arms. Soon all three were asleep. Winter set in with a vengeance. Though the weather was unusually cold and snowy, inside the Ninth Cave the Zelandonii and their visitors were well provided for. There was plenty of fuel and food stored, so no one went cold or hungry. When Zelandoni led the traditional midwinter festival, held on the shortest day of the year, there was a big feast, and the hunters had even managed to kill a bison to add fresh meat to the meal.

Madenia felt homesick. She remembered that at this time last winter, she was on the glacier, en route to what she knew would be an exciting Journey, one she had long dreamt of taking. So much had happened since then. She had been chosen by the spirit of the Snow Leopard, found the man who was to be her mate, borne her first child, and learned of her destiny to Serve the Mother. She looked back on the naïve, romantic, status-conscious young woman she had been just a short time ago. I am so different now, she thought. What will Mother think? Things that mattered to me so much then, I hardly care about now. I have changed so much since she bade me farewell. Will my Cave welcome me back? What about Echozar, and Lenoria? Does the Mother will that I leave the Losadunai forever?

It was time to go check her snares again. She needed just a few more ermine and arctic foxes and then she’d have enough for what she was making. Ayla had shown her the beautiful Matrimonial tunic she had made for Jondalar. Madenia had decided that she was going to learn to make white leather. She and Echozar would be mated at the next Losadunai Summer Meeting, and he was most certainly not going to wear an outfit that some other woman had made for him. Madenia was proud of her leatherwork and sewing, and knew she could make something even more magnificent.

Wrapping herself up warmly in fur-lined parka and wolverine hood, Madenia wrapped Lenoria in several layers of furs. She smiled at her baby and kissed her forehead. Lenoria babbled and cooed in response. She was a big, sturdy baby with enormous, dark brown eyes. Her dark hair was already thick and growing long, and had a slight reddish tint. She had a chin, and no sign of prominent brow ridges. Ayla said that she thought Lenoria would grow to be a very pretty child.

"Of course, I would think you are the most beautiful baby Duna ever blessed a woman with," said Madenia to her child. Now she knew how her own mother felt when Madenia was born. Would Verdegia be proud of Lenoria, her first grandchild?

With the baby nestled inside her parka, Madenia left to check her snares. She hurried; it was cold out and she didn’t want Lenoria exposed to the cold for too long. She was glad to see that she had caught more ermine, as well as two foxes. This would mean she needn’t set any more snares, and no more wandering out in the cold.

As she plucked her prey out of the snares, Madenia heard a sound behind her. She whirled around, her knife in hand.

"Oh, Joharran, it’s only you. You really shouldn’t sneak up behind me like that, you scared me. What if I’d gone after you with my knife?" And what are you doing here anyway, Madenia said to herself silently.

"Madenia, I want to talk to you alone."

"You do?" What was going on here, Madenia wondered. She hoped he wasn’t’ going to tell her and Echozar to leave. They had decided to wait until spring and return home following the northern route, even though it was Clan territory. Charoli, who had been the one who antagonized the Clan, was now dead, and before Madenia had left on her Journey, several young Losadunai men had approached the Clan hoping to establish trade relations. It would be safer travelling through Clan country than trying to cross the glacier in mid-winter with a small baby.

"Have you changed your mind about mating Echozar and returning to the Losadunai?" Joharran asked, a hopeful note in his voice.

Madenia rolled her eyes. Oh, no, not this again. She thought she had made it perfectly clear to Joharran that not only did she have to return home, she was in love with Echozar and would have no other. The old Madenia might have mated Joharran; after all, he was the kind of man she had always seen herself with when she was a girl. But now, Madenia simply could not see herself with him.

"No, Joharran," she told him gently but firmly. "Haven’t I told you right from the beginning that I had to return home, that I have a mother and kin amongst the Losadunai?"

"They won’t want you with a mixed-spirits mate. Oh Madenia, why did you agree to mate him in the first place? You could have any man you wanted. Why throw yourself away on a mate who cannot bring you anything? You are young, you are beautiful and have many skills to bring to a hearth, you are a Searcher, you have a child. What can Echozar offer you?"

Madenia finished bundling and packing the ermine and foxes and started back to the Cave. Lenoria slept peacefully against her mother’s breast, oblivious to the conversation swirling around her.

"Echozar is a wonderful man, Joharran. He’s brave, he’s kind, he’s a skilled hunter, he can knap flint and make any kind of tools or weapons. He survived by himself in the wilderness with no one to care for him. The only other person I have known who has done that is Ayla. And he loves me, and I him. You are wrong when you say he has nothing to offer me. He has all I could ever want. As for my Cave – I am sure they will come around to accept us. Your Cave accepted Ayla, after all. And if they don’t – the Lanzadonii have made it clear that they will have us. I shall not give up my mate and my child."

"But Madenia, he is not your mate yet."

"We don’t need a Matrimonial to be true mates. In our hearts, we are mated. Joharran – I will not mate you. I do not love you, and you do not love me. You want a pretty high-status woman who can bring children to your hearth. I just happen to be one. Look around you, there are plenty of women who would have you. Just remember – a hearth without love is a cold, empty place."

They had reached the cave. Madenia unpacked her haul of fur-bearers and started skinning them, tossing the useless carnivore meat well away from the cave so as not to attract scavengers. Joharran looked at her one last time.

"Madenia…"

"No."

Sighing, Joharran walked to his hearth. He pulled the hide door to the enclosure shut after him, and lay down on the bed platform. His shoulders shook with sobs. "Ayla? Can you come with me and talk to Joharran for a little while?" Marthona sat down beside Ayla. "I have never seen him so upset over a woman. At first I thought it was just his pride that was hurt, what with Madenia choosing Echozar, but I think there is more to it than that. I like Madenia, and I understand she must return to her own people. I hate to see my son so heartbroken over a woman he cannot have. I think if you talked to him, Ayla, it would help."

"Joharran? It’s Ayla." She scratched upon the hide door covering and walked in. Joharran lay on the bed platform, his green eyes open and staring at the cave ceiling. Hearing Ayla enter, he sat up and looked at her in despair.

"Madenia told me she does not love me and will not mate me." Staring down at his clasped hands, he groaned, "She’d rather mate a mixed-spirits man than me, the leader of the Ninth Cave. Why? I’d even co-mate if she chose – now that would shock the Cave, the leader co-mating with a mixed-spirits man. I’d do it to keep Madenia, though."

"Do you love her, Joharran?" Ayla asked quietly as she sat beside him. "I know you have had bad luck with your first woman. Tasina was – not very lovable nor was she fit to be the mate of a leader." That was the understatement of all time, thought Ayla to herself. The woman was a hyena, and had met a deserved end. "Madenia is my friend, and I can understand what you see in her. She is already proving herself to be a remarkable woman, as well as beautiful. And she will bring children to your hearth. Do you love Madenia? Or what she represents to you?" Ayla feared the answer. Madenia had already said she did not love Joharran. Not only that, she couldn’t stay, and Joharran as leader of the Ninth Cave couldn’t just pack up and journey to the Losadunai. She hoped that Joharran’s sorrow stemmed merely from hurt pride and rejection.

"Yes, I love her, Ayla. But she does not love me, and she will not stay here. Why? Can’t she just bring her mother to live here? I’d gladly provide for Madenia’s mother, and if her brothers wished to stay with us they would be welcome, too. Madenia told me she loved Echozar. Why Echozar? First Joplaya Promised herself to him, and now Madenia. What do women see in him? He’s ugly. He’s of mixed spirits. He can only lower the status of any woman who mates with him."

"In the first place, Echozar has much to offer. It’s true he has no birth status, but he has many fine qualities, and he’s a good man who will make Madenia very happy. I am more sorry than I can tell you about Madenia. I told you about Ranec, and how I broke his heart when I chose Jondalar over him. I hope he has found a new mate and happiness. But Madenia promised her mother she would return to the Losadunai when she had completed her Journey. She has no sisters, and that means a responsibility to her mother and brothers to provide them with heirs. She cannot stay, and even if she did, what if she chose to become zelandoni? She could not mate you or Echozar or anyone in that event."

"They won’t accept her, not with Echozar as her mate," said Joharran bitterly.

"Perhaps not, but I was able to convince the Zelandonii to accept me, with Jondalar’s help. Madenia is strong-willed and clever, she probably will win the Losadunai over eventually."

"Madenia thinks I do not love her. She told me that herself. Why does she think that, Ayla? How can she not see how I feel?"

"A young woman of beauty and high status is often beseiged with men who want what she can bring them. Sometimes it is hard for a woman to tell if a man is more interested in her status or in her." Ayla thought of Vincavec, headman-mamut of the Mammoth Camp and how eager he was to join with her because of her status and her membership in the Mammoth Hearth. "From what I knew of Verdegia, her mother, and what Madenia told me, her mother is very conscious of status as well. Echozar is probably the first man Madenia has met who loves her for who she is, not what she has to offer. That is why Madenia is prepared to risk rejection by her Cave rather than leave Echozar. Love is a precious, rare gift, Joharran. Jondalar was ready to leave his home and his people if they did not accept me. He loves me that much. I hope Echozar loves Madenia as much as Jondalar loves me."

"I could leave and Journey with them," Joharran said impulsively.

"No! You are the leader here. You cannot just pack up and go off on a Journey and leave your Cave. A leader has responsibilities, Joharran, and being a leader means not having much freedom. Think of your Cave." Ayla hoped that would convince him. It was an unfortunate situation. If Joharran hadn’t been leader, and Madenia didn’t have to leave for her home Cave, he and Echozar could co-mate and that would be that. It could be difficult for a woman to keep her co-mates from jealous squabbles, but that was a test of Motherhood and Leadership. Unfortunately, there was no way around the fact that for Joharran at least, Madenia was unattainable and unavailable.

Jondalar met Ayla leaving Joharran’s hearth. "How is he?" Jondalar asked.

"He is still quite upset over Madenia and Echozar. Unfortunately, he and Madenia just cannot mate. She can’t stay, and he is leader and can’t leave."

"I am sorry for my brother. I had hoped he would find a good woman to be his mate, and he has had such bad luck. Before I left on my Journey with Thonolan, he had just lost a woman to whom he had Promised. She died of a fever, and then when you and I returned, he had mated Tasina, Doni only knows why. And now he has fallen for a woman who would be unattainable for him in any case. Poor Joharran. Of Marthona’s sons, I am the only one who has had any luck in love." Jondalar kissed Ayla lovingly. "Madenia and Echozar will leave in the spring, and Joharran will find another woman, and that will be the end of it." It was almost springtime. Madenia could feel the subtle difference in the weather. Soon it would be time to leave. It would be sad to leave Ayla and Jondalar, and the other friends she had made in the Ninth Cave, but Madenia didn’t want to stay any longer than she had to. She wanted to go back home to her mother, and show off her new daughter. And Echozar had been acting disturbingly distant lately.

"What in the name of Duna is wrong? You just went hunting a few days ago. We have plenty of food. What we’re really craving is fresh greens, and there will be none of those for a good long while." Madenia asked him one morning as he prepared to go off on yet another hunting expedition. He seemed to be very eager to go hunting lately, no matter the weather, no matter that the Cave was well supplied with meat. Echozar had mumbled something about wanting fresh air, not looking Madenia in the eye. He abruptly turned and left the Cave.

Madenia was angry and hurt. Echozar had claimed to love her, and asked her to be his mate. He was so filled with joy and pride when Lenoria was born. But lately he seemed to be distancing himself from her in some way. Perhaps, Madenia thought, it had something to do with the way Joharran was acting, alternating between sulking and friendliness. Or maybe he was wishing he were with Joplaya again, after all this time. Well, Joplaya was long since gone, and for better or worse, Madenia would be his mate now. She was not going to let him go without a fight.

"I think he’s frightened of losing you, Madenia," Ayla said to her one evening after Madenia and Echozar had a particularly bad fight. "He and Joplaya were supposed to have their Matrimonial at the last Summer Meeting. The mating was much opposed, and rather than face the ostracism and difficulties that would have resulted from their mating, Joplaya left. Echozar was heartbroken, as you know. He nearly went to the spirit world from grief. He’s allowed himself to love again, and now you have brought a child to your union. That is more than he dreamed of having before. He doesn’t want to think of your leaving him if the Losadunai do not accept your union, if they call him abomination. Losing you would mean he goes to the Mother - he could not live with a second loss. He has lost so much already in his life. He’s never had much of a family until Dalanar adopted him into the Lanzadonii, and you and Joplaya are the only women who have ever wanted him. Echozar has much to lose if your union does not work."

"He acts as if he is trying to push me away," Madenia said angrily. "He is afraid to lose me, yet acts as if he wants me to leave him. It makes no sense. And Joharran is no help. He acts as if he wishes Echozar would leave so he can rush in and claim me. If he weren’t leader, he and Echozar could co-mate - I am sure it would ease things with my Cave if I brought home one mate who wasn’t of mixed spirits - and Duna knows I could grow to love Joharran. But I would never ask him to leave his Cave and turn over leadership for me."

"Once you leave the Zelandonii and return home, things will be much better between you," Ayla promised. "Jondalar and I became even closer than ever on our Journey home."

"You are right, Ayla, as always," Madenia said, giving Ayla a hug. "I am so glad you are my friend - I would never even be considering a Matrimonial, nor would I have made a Journey, if it weren’t for you. Once we leave, Echozar will be his old self again, I just know it. I hear Lenoria crying, I must go get her."

Madenia returned to her hearth, plucked Lenoria from the sleeping furs, and put her to the breast to nurse. As Lenoria suckled, Madenia rocked and crooned to her. No matter what happens, I have you, she thought. My baby is worth everything to me. As for Echozar, he had better not even think of leaving me. If he leaves, I’ll track him all the way to the end of the Mother River if I have to.

"In the next moon, we are leaving, Lenoria," Madenia told her now-contented daughter. "I’m taking you home to your people and your kin, and the man who gave you his spirit is coming along, too." After her conversation with Ayla, Madenia sought out Echozar as soon as he returned from his hunting expedition. As usual, he had not returned empty-handed, though the emaciated reindeer would not provide much of a meal. Its flesh would be lean and stringy from the long winter. At least the hide would be useful. Too bad we can only take what will fit in our packframes, Madenia thought. We’ve enough skins to make new outfits for me, Echozar, and Mother all put together. But hunting and sewing were not what she wanted to talk to him about.

"Echozar, come with me into the hearth. Right now. I want to talk to you." Madenia walked over to where Echozar was putting away the antlers and bone from the deer he had killed.

Echozar turned around. Madenia was standing there, holding Lenoria, child of his spirit, in her arms. Madenia was taller than he, and the way she wore her russet hair in braids wound around the top of her head made her seem even taller. Her hazel eyes looked almost pure green. She had pierced the side of her nose that winter and a small iridescent shell labret caught the light. His heart ached with love and longing, and he wondered what she was going to tell him. That she was leaving him for Joharran?

"Come on," Madenia said firmly, taking his hand and leading him over to their hearth. Obediently, Echozar followed. Jondalar, overhearing, smiled to himself. This was a different woman from the shy, trembling girl he had first met. Of course, then she was still recovering from her brutal attack. In only two cycles of the seasons, she had blossomed and matured. Give her ten or so more years, she’ll be as formidable as Tulie, the Lion Camp headwoman, Jondalar thought.

"Sit down," Madenia closed the door to the hearth enclosure after them and indicated the bed platform. Placing the sleeping Lenoria in the furs, Madenia sat beside Echozar and took his hands in hers.

"Are you afraid that I am going to leave you?" she asked.

Echozar didn’t answer for a moment, then nodded, miserably.

"Why, Echozar, why? When have I given the slightest indication that I was thinking of leaving you? Haven’t I told you that I love you? Haven’t I agreed to become your mate, that my children would be your children to care for and protect? Didn’t the Mother give me a child of your spirit?"

"Oh, Madenia…I just…I thought…"

"It’s Joharran, isn’t it?" Madenia said darkly. "In the first place, if I wanted to mate with Joharran I could have. Do you see me Promised to him? Did I ask you to accept him as co-mate? Men do co-mate, you know. If I did want Joharran, it doesn’t mean I would leave you. I don’t want to mate with Joharran. I don’t love him, and even if I did we couldn’t mate, because he is the leader of the Cave and has to stay here, and I have to return to my people - with my mate and my child."

"I was afraid that you’d no longer want me when Joharran asked for you," Echozar said in a trembling voice. "I am an ugly, mixed-spirits man, with no status, no mother, and no people until Dalanar adopted me into his Cave. What if your people exile you because your mate and your child are ‘abominations?’ Joplaya and I were supposed to mate last summer, but so many people called me ‘abomination’ and made fun of her, that she finally left. Madenia, if you were to leave, I couldn’t live any longer. I lost one woman I love, I cannot lose two. I’d rather leave you than have you leave me."

He loves me still, he told me that, Madenia’s heart sang. "Echozar, I love you, and I wouldn’t dream of leaving you. I don’t know what is going to happen when we return to my Cave. The Losadunai do not look with favor upon those of mixed spirits - but the Zelandonii didn’t, either, and most still don’t, but Ayla is slowly changing that. And you were the one who made the Lanzadonii think again about mixed people, and the Clan…"

"Don’t call me ‘Clan!’ I am not a flathead!"

Madenia wanted very much to remind him that he was half-Clan, and had a full Clan mother, but held her tongue. Now was not the time, she’d lose the advantage that she was gaining. "Never mind that. Mother greatly wants to have a good hunter at her hearth and, of course, grandchildren, so I think she can be won over." Madenia hoped so, but privately had her doubts. Verdegia had her heart set on a high-status mate for her daughter, and Echozar was going to be a rude shock. "It may take some time, but I told you that some of the young men have talked of trading with the Clan. If the Zelandonii can accept Ayla, who bore a mixed-spirits child, my people can accept you. And," Madenia said quietly but with deadly intent, "whoever calls Lenoria ‘abomination’ I will gut them like a deer." Madenia picked up her sleeping baby and held her to her breast protectively.

Echozar smiled at the baby and took her from her mother’s arms. Lenoria woke up, yawned, and suddenly grabbed for a handful of Echozar’s long hair. "Ow!" he yelped, prying his hair out of her tiny fist. For such a diminutive creature, Lenoria had a powerful grip. She squalled in indignation as Echozar released the captive strands. Madenia put her to her breast, rocked her and sang to her, which calmed Lenoria and soon she was asleep again. Madenia tucked the baby into the sleeping furs and smiled. Her daughter would be a strong, brave huntress one day.

"Madenia, what if your people do not accept us?"

"Then we will return to the Lanzadonii, or go east to the S’Armunai. Ayla said that they are very accepting, that a man of mixed spirits even became their leader one time. Madenia sat in Echozar’s lap and put her arms around him. "Even if the worst happens, and we are exiled from my people, I will not leave you, Echozar. And don’t even think of leaving me. I am a Searcher, you know. If you leave, I can find you, no

matter where you go." She kissed him. "Come, let us honor the Mother. It has been too long."

"You’re right, it has." Echozar smiled to himself in the darkness as he and Madenia lay on the furs.

Madenia was sitting on her bed platform, sorting through the things she and Echozar would bring with them when they left. The new things she had obtained on her Journey - her snow leopard skin, a woven nettle-fiber skirt Folara had made for her as a gift, some new jewelry, the white leather outfit she was sewing for Echozar to wear to their Matrimonial - she carefully packed in her packframe. With the food and provisions they would be taking the packframes were stuffed full. Madenia wished she hadn’t used or traded all the burning stones she had brought with her from the Losadunai. They were so useful on a Journey. At least she had her firestone; making a fire was so much easier that way than with a drill.

"Are you taking so little, Madenia?" Ayla stopped by the hearth. "Echozar hunted so much for the Cave this winter, you are entitled to your share of the hides and bone and sinews. Bringing gifts to your Cave will make you more welcomed. Also if you are going through Clan country on your way home, you may want some extra things to trade."

"We can take only what we can carry, and it is going to be a long Journey home. Our packframes will be heavy enough as it is, and I will be carrying a baby as well. If I had a horse, I could carry more. The first thing I am going to do when I get home is to find a baby horse and tame it."

"Who says you don’t have a horse, Madenia?" Ayla smiled at her. Behind her, Jondalar was grinning.

"What do you mean?" Madenia asked. They were up to something, she wasn’t sure what.

"You have a horse now. Sorrel is yours. You helped to train her. And it would be a pity for you to forget how to ride a horse when you only just learned." Ayla smiled, though tears threatened. "She is your farewell gift. We will miss you, Madenia, and we wish you could live here, but I know you have to leave."

Madenia was overwhelmed with emotion. "I can’t believe it…I have a horse of my own! Ever since you arrived at the Losadunai Cave, I have wanted to find a horse that would let me ride her…and now I have one. I can’t ever repay you enough for all you’ve done for me," she burst into sobs. "I’ll probably never see you again after this, but I will never forget you. If it weren’t for you, I’d never have made my Journey, or be planning a Matrimonial, or have my baby." Madenia wiped her eyes, and hugged first Ayla, then Jondalar. "I don’t know how I will repay you for your kindness."

"You have grown into a beautiful and strong woman, greatly gifted by the Mother. That is all the payment we need, Madenia. Now go get those hides and other things you are entitled to." Ayla felt as if she, too, would begin to cry any time. She would miss Madenia, and Echozar as well. She hoped they would find happiness and acceptance amongst Madenia’s people. Madenia’s Snow Leopard totem was almost as powerful as her own Cave Lion, and Ayla knew from experience that a powerful totem meant powerful testing. She hoped Madenia had been tested enough already. Madenia put her baby in her sling and went to the storage area. She took some of the hides that she herself had worked on over the winter - some were dyed red, and some were bleached with stale urine to a yellowish-white color. She took some bone and antler chunks as well; if she didn’t make them into beads and jewelry they could be traded. Then she went to find Echozar and tell him the good news.

"Echozar! Ayla and Jondalar have given Sorrel to us as a gift! She can help us carry our belongings back. And we can take turns riding her! I am so happy, I have wanted a horse for so long and now I have one. I can’t wait to show my Cave. Tame horses are so useful, I can’t believe no one has thought of it before Ayla did!"

"I suppose next you’ll want a baby wolf?" Echozar was pleased about the horse, but apprehensive about the Journey. What would lie at the end - welcome or exile? Would his beloved Madenia and her daughter face ostracism because she brought him home?

"No, we will have our hands full with the horse for now. I don’t even want to think about dragging a wolf puppy back to the Losadunai with us."

"Madenia, can’t we stay here longer? It’s barely spring, and it’s still cold. Maybe we shouldn’t be travelling in cold weather with the baby."

"No, Echozar, we cannot delay. My mother probably wonders what happened to me as it is. It’s been more than a cycle of the seasons since I’ve left, and I am sure she is wondering if I walk the next world or forgot my promise to return. Lenoria will be fine - I will wrap her up well and carry her inside my tunic. Jerika was born on a Journey and spent most of her childhood travelling, remember? And last time I saw her she was very much alive. Now stop fretting about the Journey and go start packing." Madenia saw Zelandoni beckoning to her. "Zelandoni wants to talk to me, I have to leave."

Madenia went to where Zelandoni was standing, right outside the Cave. "Yes, Zelandoni? You wanted to speak to me?" she asked.

"You are leaving in a few days, and I want to do a ritual with you before you leave. I would have liked you to stay and train with me longer, as you have strong abilities and need more guidance. But I understand you have to leave for your own Cave. Normally I wouldn’t do a ritual like this for someone who I haven’t formally taken on as acolyte, but I had a vision in a dream, a very strong one, and was told in my dream it was necessary. To be gifted by the Mother is a curse as well as a gift, Madenia. Whom the Mother favors, She tests. Even if you can’t be my acolyte, the least I can do is send you off on your Journey with as much protection and guidance as I can provide. You will fast tonight and tomorrow. Drink nothing but water and herb tea. Tomorrow afternoon, you will bathe in the river and put on your finest outfit. Afterwards, meet me at my hearth and I will bring you to where the ritual will take place."

Madenia bowed her head in acquiescence and returned to her hearth. What would happen tomorrow? Clean and freshly scrubbed from her bath in the river, Madenia unfolded the Shamudoi chamois outfit and put it on. The yellow of the leather brought out the highlights in her damp hair, and turned her hazel eyes a luminous golden color. The tunic and trousers were cut longer and looser than Losadunai or Zelandonii clothing, and were richly quilled and embroidered in shades of red and brown. The outfit was originally given to Ayla by Roshario, the Shamudoi co-leader, but suited Madenia as if it had been sewn for her. Madenia plaited her long hair, wound strands of bone beads in the braids, and twisted the braids around her head. She wore her earplugs, her nose labret, and several carved ivory bracelets which clacked whenever she moved her arms or hands. Madenia felt a little odd dressing up so magnificently when there was no festival, Matrimonial or other special occasion, but this was a very important ritual in which she was to take part. It would please the Mother and the spirits when she appeared before them arrayed in her finest clothing and ornaments. Madenia wondered what Zelandoni had in mind. The ritual would take place not in Zelandoni’s hearth, but in the Sacred Cave nearby. The Sacred Cave was the Womb of the Mother, and was reserved for the most important rituals. Most people who were not acolytes or zelandonia never saw the interior of a Sacred Cave. Madenia was light-headed with fasting and anticipation.

She picked Lenoria up from her nest in the sleeping furs. Ayla was going to look after her and nurse her with Mariza while Madenia was with Zelandoni in the Sacred Cave. Echozar was sitting on the bed platform, making a new spear-thrower. He put it down and stood to embrace Madenia and the baby.

"You look like a donii, I have never seen anyone as beautiful. Not even Joplaya." Echozar kissed Madenia, and there were tears in his eyes. He didn’t know what Zelandoni had planned, only that it was a very important ritual that the spirits had told Zelandoni to perform. Madenia and Zelandoni would be spending the whole night in the Sacred Cave. Echozar wished he could be with Madenia to watch over her and protect her. He had a momentary vision of Madenia disappearing forever into the Womb of the Mother, to walk the spirit world, never to return.

"Echozar, I love you. But I think you know that by now." Madenia smiled at him, a little tremulously. "I don’t know what Zelandoni has planned, but she is the First among Those Who Serve, so she knows what she is doing. Don’t look at me like that, I will never leave you, or my baby. I’m just off to have yet another adventure." Madenia smiled ruefully. "When I was a girl, I asked the Mother to grant me ‘many adventures and a long Journey.’ She has heard and granted my prayers!" Madenia turned to leave her hearth. "I am looking forward to seeing your brand new spear thrower tomorrow morning, Echozar." He stared after her for a moment, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sat down and resumed working on his weapon.

Madenia went to Ayla and Jondalar’ s hearth, and handed Lenoria to Ayla. Jondalar was entertaining Mariza with a string of reindeer vertebrae threaded on a sinew. The baby was grabbing for the toy and laughing, and Jondalar laughed with her. Madenia smiled at the little tableau. She hoped Echozar would prove to be as loving and playful with Lenoria. He obviously loved Madenia’s daughter, but acted as if he was afraid he’d break her. Madenia remembered he hadn’t grown up around small babies and children the way most men had. He’d spent his boyhood knowing only his mother and Andovan, no one else. He’d probably never seen another baby, or child, before he came to the Lanzadonii. Madenia planned on a whole hearthful of children, and Echozar would have no choice but to love them.

"Take good care of her while I am gone," she told Ayla. She kissed Lenoria on the forehead and stroked her hair, which was thick and dark for a four-moon’s child. Lenoria turned her large dark eyes - Echozar’s eyes - to her mother and blew a spit bubble. Both Ayla and Madenia laughed.

"Don’t worry, Zelandoni will be there to guide you. So will your totem," Ayla reassured the younger woman as she cradled Lenoria to her breast. "We will await you in the morning." She made a gesture Madenia did not understand.

Leaving Ayla’s hearth, Madenia walked over to where Zelandoni sat. The woman was magnificently attired in a dress colored with the brightest red ochre pigment. It was elaborately sewn with innumerable small ivory beads in patterns of chevrons and spirals, and trimmed around the neck, sleeves and hem with rare, rich brown sables. Zelandoni wore her light-brown hair twisted in a bun atop her head, adorned with more ivory beads and animal teeth. She looked magnificently beautiful. No one would have guessed that she was past thirty winters.

"You are ready." It was not a question.

"Yes, Zelandoni, I am ready." Madenia stood before her. Zelandoni noted with approval her gorgeous clothing and jewelry. The Mother and spirits would be pleased.

"Good! Come along then. It is time for your ritual."

Zelandoni picked up a leather bag, dyed the same bright red as her dress and quilled in an abstract design representing a large woman with her legs spread apart, giving birth. She handed Madenia a drum made from a mammoth skull, and two ivory drumsticks. She stood up and beckoned to Madenia to follow her out of the cave. Zelandoni led Madenia out of the Ninth Cave and down a path which followed the riverbank. It was a chilly spring afternoon and Madenia shivered in her chamois outfit. Neither she nor Zelandoni had brought wraps or sleeping furs; they would be spending the night in the Sacred Cave, but cold and sleeplessness were part of the ritual. Fortunately, the Sacred Cave was only a short walk away. Not all the Zelandonii Caves had sacred spiritual places so close by. Zelandoni said that was one of the many things that gave the Ninth Cave its preeminent status amongst the Zelandonii, and why she herself was High Priestess.

"Here we are. This is the Sacred Cave, Madenia. The Womb of Donii. Do you have your firestone and tinder kit with you?" In one hand Zelandoni held a small lamp, in the other her medicine bag.

Madenia untied her fire-starting kit from her belt and handed it to Zelandoni. Putting her bag and the lamp down upon the ground, Zelandoni sat down and quickly started a small flame with the firestone in a little dried moss, and touched the flame to the lamp wick. A small light blazed in the puddle of rendered fat. Zelandoni stood up, held aloft the lamp and beckoned Madenia to follow her into the Sacred Cave.

The Cave was dark, damp and chilly. The small stone lamp cast a dim, flickering light on the walls. As they descended, Madenia could see symbols painted in red ochre and black manganese dioxide on the walls - triangles, chevrons, and spirals. All symbols of the Mother, of birth and new life.

Madenia followed Zelandoni down the dark passageway and into a tiny room, just barely big enough for three or four people to sit comfortably. Zelandoni led her into the room and lit two other small stone lamps with the one she carried. Madenia looked around her and gasped in awe.

The walls and ceiling were covered with animals. Herds of bison, horses, aurochs, deer, megaceros, mammoths and woolly rhinoceroses were arrayed on every available surface. They were so painstakingly rendered, their painted lines so fluid, that they seemed almost alive. Madenia kept expecting to hear the thunder of hooves, the neigh of horses, the snort of a charging rhino. Surrounding the herds were figures Madenia recognized as stylized birds and snakes - creatures that represented the Mother herself. She knew Duna could take on the form of a snake or a bird at Her choosing. Madenia remembered when she was a small girl, how a snake had crawled into her bed-platform with her one night as she slept. Her mother had been very pleased, because it meant the Mother had special blessings for Madenia, or She wouldn’t send one of Her creatures to her.

Zelandoni reverently placed the lamp she carried in a small niche along the far wall. The yellowish light flickered and illumined the figure of the Mother that was, not a small statue to be placed in a shrine, but a three-dimensional figure carved into the cave wall. Someone had noticed that the natural contours of the cave wall resembled a duna, and painstakingly - over moons if not years - shaped the contours into a figure of the Mother. She was naked, and her hair streamed down her back. Her breasts, belly and thighs were full and lush. In one upraised hand She held a crescent moon. Red ochre was daubed between her legs. Madenia was overwhelmed by the beauty and spiritual power of the place. This was, indeed, a true dwelling of the Mother.

Zelandoni noticed Madenia’s reaction and smiled. Even after many years of rituals in this Cave, she still felt the intense spiritual presence here. For one who had never been in the Sacred Cave before, it was almost too intense to bear. "Sit down," she whispered and indicated the logs placed in a triangle in the center of the little room.

Madenia sat down, setting the drum in the middle of the log triangle. Zelandoni walked over to the small hearth set against the wall of the cave near the Mother carving. It was well-stocked with wood; Zelandoni must have been here not long before.

"Hand me the tinder kit." After Madenia complied, Zelandoni lit a fire in the ritual hearth. She opened her medicine bag and took out some herbs. Madenia recognized sage, mistletoe, and angelica. Zelandoni threw them on the fire and soon the room was filled with sweet smoke. As she threw the herbs on the fire, Zelandoni began chanting softly, "O Mother, guide us. O Mother, protect us. O Mother, be with us, as we seek to be closer to You, we invoke Your protection, Your compassion, Your understanding, Your wisdom."

Untying her medicine bag, she took out a small net pouch. Inside were several strange, brown, shrivelled-looking objects. Madenia looked closer and saw that they were dried mushrooms. Zelandoni held two in each hand to the Mother figure.

"O Doni, O Great Earth Mother, You from Whom all life begins and to Whom all life returns, protect and guide us, Zelandoni Your priestess who serves You, and Madenia whom You have favored with many gifts. Your arms encircle us, Your eyes watch out for us, Your breasts nourish us, on our spirit journey." Zelandoni bowed to the Mother and handed two of the mushrooms to Madenia.

"Chew and swallow these," she instructed. "You may feel sick to your stomach, but do not throw up. You must make yourself get past the sick feeling." She retied the net pouch and put it back in her medicine bag. "You will start feeling the effects soon afterwards. Don’t be afraid, whatever happens I will be here to guide you."

Madenia took the mushrooms and dutifully chewed and swallowed them. They tasted terrible; Madenia imagined that was what bison dung would taste like. She wished she had a swallow of water or tea to banish the taste, but there was none here. She watched Zelandoni eat hers. The woman didn’t even wince at the awful taste. Madenia was glad that Zelandoni had, by all indications, done this many times before. She was starting to feel sick to her stomach and apprehensive about what would happen next. To distract herself, she gazed at the beautiful paintings along the walls. Zelandoni, noticing that Madenia was fighting off sickness, handed her the other drumstick. She motioned for Madenia to keep time with her on the mammoth-skull drum. Madenia did as she was bid, dimly aware of Zelandoni chanting softly to the time they were keeping.

Lulled into trance by the music and chanting, Madenia glanced down at her hand holding the drumstick. It was surrounded by a glow of bright color, orange, red and violet, the clearest, most amazingly beautiful colors she had ever seen. Madenia looked up at Zelandoni and saw her completely surrounded by violet and gold light in a column going right up through the cave. The light pulsed and rippled like no sunlight or moonglow or lamplight ever glimpsed. All of a sudden Madenia felt her whole being dissolving into light. She knew Zelandoni was right there, and was talking to her, not with words and a physical presence, but with something more ineffable.

I am right here with you, Madenia, you do not have to speak, for I can sense you. Do not be frightened.

Madenia felt the painted walls of the cave ripple and shudder, the painted herds come alive. Merging into the stream, she felt herself become as one with a herd of horses racing across the meadow. Running faster than she ever had before, she exhilirated in the feeling of hooves pounding the ground, muscles rippling under smooth-furred skin. When she tired, she slowed to a trot, then a walk, then dropped to the ground to roll in the new spring grass. She could smell the scent of the crushed greens in her nostrils, and it made her hungry. Stopping to crop the tender young shoots, she savored every mouthful.

After a while, Madenia felt herself shift shapes again. She looked down at her feet, hooves no longer, but four fat, furry paws. Looking up, she saw mountains and tall trees, the familiar terrain of her homeland. Her coat was no longer sleek, but thick, furry and rosette-spotted, her nature the cautious intelligence of the carnivore. Madenia was her totem. Her snow-leopard form was so agile and graceful, she could move so silently through the treetops and caves that were her home. Ever watchful, at the slightest rustle of leaves or vibration along the ground she sniffed the air, scenting for blood that meant a meal. Sniffing, tasting the air, she scented prey. A chamois bounded along the rocks below where she perched. Madenia/snow leopard sprang, sinking her fangs into the creature’s vulnerable neck, snapping it. She tore chunks of flesh from the chamois carcass, feasting on the raw flesh, mouth red with blood. To her carnivore tongue it was sublime.

Now it was time to nurse her cubs, of which there were four. All of her litter were precious to her, her own flesh and blood, the only creatures she felt a bond to - but there was a special affinity with her firstborn, a she-cub with a coat slightly darker than most leopard cubs, and uncommon intelligence and playfulness. Madenia/leopardess felt that this one was set apart, would need more of her loving care and guidance. As her cubs nursed, she licked and groomed each one clean, there must be no scent left for other, larger predators to sniff out. These were her brood, her babies, and she would kill anything that tried to harm them.

Madenia/snow leopard felt Zelandoni reaching for her again, to guide her further. Madenia rather liked being a snow leopard and abandoned her animal form reluctantly. Human again, she soared upward, looking down upon the earth below, as if she were a bird. This was familiar from the times she had Searched, yet different, her senses were even sharper and she felt as if she could see inside, or see through, whatever she looked at. It was an eerie feeling, being so connected to everything around her, as if there were no boundaries between her and the world outside.

All of a sudden she felt herself swept along a kind of tunnel to the tune of an annoying atonal buzzing sound. What was happening? This was no longer pleasant, but upsetting and frightening. Coming near to the end of the tunnel, Madenia to her horror could hear screams and moans from the other side. She could smell charred flesh, and faintly discerned a harsh male voice shouting and chanting. If it was a losaduna or zelandoni ritual song, it was like none she had ever heard.

No! Do not go there! It is dangerous! Madenia, come back! She felt Zelandoni calling strongly to her from outside the tunnel. Madenia sensed such great horror coming from the other side that she knew she had to get back to Zelandoni and her familar world at all costs. She forced herself to follow the faint call.

I am over here, not too much farther, you are almost here.[i] Zelandoni’s presence was closer and closer, and Madenia, to her relief, was out of the buzzing tunnel and in the light-filled meadow once again. She felt Zelandoni beside her and was glad of her narrow escape.

[i]I almost lost you. That way lies danger, Madenia, and things you are not meant to know. But you are safe now. We are almost done with our Journey.

Zelandoni and Madenia stood side by side, in the young spring grass. Madenia felt herself rooting into the earth, feeling the protective embrace and nourishment surround her. She was protected, enveloped, nourished, truly one of Earth’s Children. She was dissolving, merging, becoming the Mother herself, feeling the same protective love towards all Her children - plants, animals, humans - as she did as a snow leopard mother, as she did as Madenia toward her own child. She felt a voice speak in her mind.

All is one. There is nothing that is not Me. You are my children, and I am you.

And with that, she slowly slipped back into her body left behind at the Sacred Cave. Back in her own body, Madenia opened her eyes to a dark and cold Sacred Cave. While she and Zelandoni had been on their spirit Journey, all the lamps had gone out. Madenia could barely even see Zelandoni, who was seated near her. Suddenly, Madenia felt a pang of fear: how were they going to get out of the Cave in pitch-darkness?

As if sensing her thoughts, Zelandoni spoke. "We will leave the same way we came in. Don’t worry, I have done this many times before and know the way quite well, even without any light."

"Can’t we light your lamp?" Madenia asked apprehensively.

"No, it is part of the ritual to exit the Cave in darkness. We are being reborn from the Mother’s womb. As a newborn baby leaves its mother’s dark womb and is born into the light, so we must be reborn from Her dark depths into the light of day."

Zelandoni grasped Madenia’s hand and helped her to her feet. Madenia’s legs almost gave out beneath her, they were so wobbly. Her head spun, and she was extremely thirsty and weak from lack of food. She hoped she could make it out of the Cave without collapsing. Then there was the walk back to the Ninth Cave. She supposed it was another part of the ritual, this test of her endurance.

Holding Madenia’ s hand, Zelandoni turned them to face what must have been the carved Mother-figure, though Madenia could not see Her, or the cave paintings, in the darkness.

"We thank you, O Mother, O Most Compassionate One, O Most Powerful One, for watching over us on our Journey. You Who give birth to all life, help us be reborn from Your sacred womb into the light of day. Protect and guide us, O Merciful One, She Who loves, guides and protects all Her children. Your daughters, Zelandoni of the Earth’s Children who live in the south-west and Madenia, of the Earth’s Children who live near the high mountains, ask Your guidance in their rebirth. Be with us, O Mother, as we leave the shelter of Your womb."

The two women slowly began to grope their way out of the Sacred Cave and along the passageway. Zelandoni knew the Cave like the back of her hand and had made the same journey in darkness many times before. To Madenia, the slow passage through the Cave seemed like an eternity. The Cave was pitch-black, cold, damp and slippery. Zelandoni held fast to her hand and guided both of them along, and seemed to know exactly where she was going, but Madenia could not shake the fear that they would be lost forever in the clammy, lightless depths to slowly die. She clutched her amulet and prayed to the Mother and her totem to get them out - or "reborn" as Zelandoni put it - safely. As she said her prayer, the memories of her Journey came back to her. Wasn’t she part of the Mother Who loved Her children and watched over them? Had Madenia learned nothing from her journey? Suddenly ashamed, she firmly banished her fears and concentrated on following Zelandoni on the long, silent passageway out of the Sacred Cave.

Zelandoni and Madenia slowly made their way through the darkness, the only sounds being their footsteps and the occasional chirp of a bat. Madenia could hear the flutter of one curious bat as it hovered close by, but it soon flew away, satisfied that the strange, odd-smelling creatures that had invaded its cave brought no insects with them. Madenia felt comforted; bats were the messengers of the Mother, favored by Her because they dwelt in Her caves. Duna must be sending them Her blessing on their rebirth journey. As if to confirm her thoughts, Madenia could see a faint light up ahead. The journey was almost over; soon they would be standing in the meadows outside the Cave. Madenia started to walk faster, but Zelandoni stopped her.

"We cannot hurry the Journey, we will be reborn in good time. Besides, if you go into the light too quickly your eyes will be blinded and you won’t be able to see. Take your time," Zelandoni whispered. Madenia obediently slowed her pace. Gradually, the faint light grew stronger. Looking down, Madenia saw something shining on the floor of the Cave. She bent to pick it up, and saw that it was a small rock that looked as if it had been carved in the shape of a very odd-looking insect. The fossil creature had a ridged back and the faint outlines of many small legs. It was the fossil of a trilobite, though Madenia did not know that was what it was called. To her, it was a sign from her totem, what Ayla had told her to be on the lookout for. Madenia picked up the fossil stone and put it in her amulet bag. Her totem must be pleased with the ritual and what she went through.

"Let’s go slowly and carefully, or the light will blind us once we emerge." Zelandoni and Madenia slowed their pace, allowing their eyes to get accustomed to the light outside. Madenia noted that it was shortly after dawn, judging from what she could see of the light. Had they been on their Journey, inside the Cave, that long? They had begun the day before, in the late afternoon. She’d lost all sense of time while inside the Cave. That was probably what was intended. In the spirit world, time was different. Madenia had learned so much on her spirit Journey, more even than on her Journey across the glacier to the Zelandonii. She was beginning to accept that she was destined to Serve the Mother after all - not as a healer like Ayla, but as a shaman, travelling in unseen worlds. This wasn’t the future her mother had planned for her only daughter, but at least amongst the Losadunai, unlike many other tribes, She Who Served could have a mate. That would please her mother, though whether the man Madenia had chosen for a mate would find favor with Verdegia or her brothers was another matter.

"This will be the first of many Journeys for you, child." The voice seemed to emanate from the depths of the cave. It wasn’t Zelandoni, and there was no one else with them. Then who was it? A spirit, or the Mother herself?

"Get used to it," said the voice again and then was heard no more. Madenia’s head was whirling. Besides being hungry, thirsty and exhausted, there was so much to think about. Zelandoni was right, this was a rebirth. She was not the same Madenia who had entered the Sacred Cave the day before. She felt a sense of power and connection with higher forces that she had never expected to have. It was awe-inspiring, and still a little bit frightening, but there was strength and inspiration to be found there as well. Whatever came her way - whether her people welcomed her back or she was forced into exile - Madenia knew she could endure. She had her totem, she had the Mother’s power.

They were at the mouth of the Cave. Zelandoni stopped and reverently kissed one of the painted triangles that decorated the walls near the Cave mouth, and motioned to Madenia to do the same. As Madenia kissed the ochre triangle, she noticed that Zelandoni had not forgotten her medicine bag or the now-unlit lamp. She wasn’t lying, she must know the Caves and the ritual by heart now, Madenia thought to herself. I don’t know if I can ever be like Zelandoni, or Ayla, or Losaduna who Served the Mother back home, but I must at least try, or I will disgrace my new calling.

"Zelandoni and Madenia are now reborn from the Womb of the Mother. We are as newborn children from Your spirit worlds. We thank You, O Compassionate Mother, for Your protection and guidance on our Journey. Guide us now as we leave Your presence."

The women emerged from the Sacred Cave and collapsed, exhausted, in the dew-damp grass of the meadow outside. The trek back from the Sacred Cave to the Ninth Cave was the longest Madenia ever walked in her life. Or so it seemed to her at the time. Compared to crossing the glacier, it was an easy trip. There was no blinding ice, no bone-chilling cold, no crevasses to fall into. But then, Madenia had been well fed and well rested, and had not just completed a spirit Journey. Now, not having drunk or eaten for two days, or slept for one, Madenia was afraid her legs would give out on her before she and Zelandoni made it back home. This must be another one of the tests Those Who Serve put themselves through, Madenia thought. Zelandoni told her of the zelandonia she knew who retreated to live by themselves in caves for entire cycles of the seasons, who abstained from Pleasures, and one woman who - Zelandoni claimed - lived on nothing but greens and water for many seasons.

"I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes when I was an acolyte. Someone was always watching her, day and night, and no one ever saw anything but greens and water pass this woman’s lips. This shaman, Eilis, was Saedanaii, of the people who live on the edge of the Great Waters to the north, and they pride themselves on how tough and brave and austere they can be. Not many zelandonia go that far."

Madenia hoped that the Mother would not require her to live on greens and water for seasons at a time. As for living alone in a cave, she couldn’t do that with a small baby. Even after only a day, she missed Lenoria, even though she knew Ayla was taking good care of her. Madenia’s breasts ached from being full of milk. She would have to nurse Lenoria right when she got back. If her milk dried up, it would be disastrous.

Zelandoni noticed Madenia’s preoccupied look. "Is it the baby? Or Echozar? Or both?"

How did she know what I was thinking? wondered Madenia. "Both. I miss the baby, I don’t want to lose my milk, and I don’t want Echozar to start acting upset again."

"You won’t lose your milk after only a day, and Ayla will make you a tea for it when you get back. And of course you miss your baby, you are her mother." Madenia remembered Zelandoni never had any children. Could Serving the Mother make up for not having babies of one’s own? Apparently it didn’t trouble Zelandoni. Madenia thought that if she had to choose, no matter how gifted a Searcher or Foreteller she might become, no matter how many Spirit Journeys she would take, she’d choose having children. Lenoria meant more than any other of the Mother’s Gifts.

Zelandoni continued, "and as for Echozar, he just has to come to his senses. He can’t live in fear that you are going to leave him every time a man like Joharran flirts with you or someone else questions his right to be with you because he is of mixed spirits. It’s high time Echozar grew a backbone. The Mother did not intend for him and Joplaya to be together. Time will tell if the Mother plans for you and Echozar to be together or not."

"I wonder what happened to Joplaya?"

"She went east, intending to visit Ayla’s people, the Mamutoi. Of course, no one knows what happened to her after she left the Lanzadonii. I’m sure she must be mated by now. She was a beautiful woman and a very skilled flint worker. People were amazed that she remained unmated for so long - she was nineteen when she and Echozar were Promised. Most women are mated and have their second or even third child by then. But Joplaya had...she was in love with someone she could not have." Zelandoni gave a rueful half-smile. "It’s all for the best that she went on her Journey. Her mother and Dalanar were terribly upset, but they understood. Perhaps Joplaya has reached Mamutoi country and decided to settle there. She’ll probably find a mate there, that is if she didn’t find a mate along the way. Most tribes would welcome a flint-knapper, and one who was female and could potentially have children would be a great asset."

"Maybe Joplaya visited the Losadunai on her way," said Madenia. "I am sure if she did, Losaduna would tell me." Madenia was very curious about the woman to whom Echozar had been Promised. Curious, and more than a little jealous. She hoped this Joplaya woman didn’t still have the piece of Echozar’s spirit she had taken with her when she left. I think I’ll do a Search for her, Madenia thought. Maybe when we travel back to the Lanzadonii Cave on our way home. If I can Search for deer and mammoth, I can Search for a woman. I’d like to see what became of her.

The two women walked the rest of the way home in silence. Both had grown too weary for conversation. Madenia plodded along, hoping they would be home soon. She thought longingly of her sleeping furs and the meat Echozar had promised to have waiting for her when she arrived home. Looking down at her outfit, Madenia noticed to her dismay that it was smudged and stained. She would have to clean it before they set out. This was such a beautiful, exotic outfit, Ayla had given it to her and it was going to be her Matrimonial outfit. It would not do to have her best clothing stained.

"Home at last!" Madenia could hear Zelandoni call out. And none too soon; she was afraid she could not walk another step. Looking up, Madenia saw Echozar, Ayla, Jondalar, Marthona, Willomar and Folara all clustered at the mouth of the Cave waiting for them. Ayla held Lenoria in her arms. That did it for Madenia. She forced her wobbly legs into a run. Up the short path to the cave she went, to the waiting knot of people. She took Lenoria from Ayla’s arms and kissed her. Lenoria fussed and squirmed, and Madenia put her to her breast to nurse. With relief, she felt her milk flow.

"Aren’t you going to greet me?" asked Echozar, from behind her. Madenia whirled around and threw herself into his arms. He embraced her, gently so as not to disturb the baby. "I missed you. I killed a deer while you were gone, if you are hungry you can have venison stew." He smiled shyly. "I made it."

Madenia laughed. "I forgot - I am mating a man who can cook, as well as hunt. I am starving! And thirsty, too."

"Ayla has tea waiting." Echozar looked closely at Madenia. "You look different. I don’t know how to describe it - but you don’t look the same."

"I’m not. I can’t explain it, but I’m not. I wish I could talk about the sacred ceremony, but I’m sworn not to," said Madenia regretfully. "Now where is that venison stew you were telling me about?" Sitting at the visitor’s hearth, Lenoria asleep in the furs by his side, Echozar carefully packed his and Madenia’s possessions for the return journey they would be making the next day. Madenia was at Zelandoni’s hearth, being tattooed with a ritual symbol to mark her spirit Journey; so the packing had fallen to Echozar’s lot. He didn’t really mind; it kept him from thinking too much about what they would face at the end of their journey home. What were Madenia’s kin going to do when they saw him? In addition to her mother, there were two brothers still living, one of whom was a hunt leader at a Losadunai Cave, as well as her mother’s brother. Laduni, the headman of Madenia’s birth Cave, was her mother’s cousin; and the Losaduna of her Cave was kin to her mother’s mate. Normally a man would be glad to mate such a well-connected young woman, but Echozar was afraid of the implications of a large group of disapproving, maybe even hostile, relatives. A man of mixed spirits, no matter how skilled a hunter, was certainly not what they had in mind for Madenia. There had been no such worries with Joplaya, at least, Echozar thought with still-remembered pain, until that last, dreadful Summer Meeting. Joplaya had no living siblings, and her mother had no large network of kin.

"My family would never cast us out," Madenia had reassured him. "No doubt Mother will scold and my brothers will grumble, but they’ll get used to it. Once they see what a good hunter you are and what fine weapons you can craft, they’ll accept you. And there’s Lenoria. Mother wants a grandchild more than anything."

Echozar was not convinced. Perhaps he could persuade Madenia to settle with the Lanzadonii, permanently. He had managed to carve out his own niche there, and find some degree of acceptance. Madenia would be welcome, and the tribe’s shaman would be overjoyed. There would be the little question of whether Madenia could be lanzadoni and still mate, but that was child’s play compared to the thorny issue of Madenia’s kin, and what they would do when she introduced the mixed-spirits man whom she intended to mate. What would happen if she was shunned for bringing him home? Would she regret choosing to join with him? If she was forced into exile with him, would she grow to hate Echozar for causing her exile from her home and people? True, she had spoken quite blithely of returning to the Lanzadonii or going to live with the S’Armunai to the east. But if it actually came to pass, she might have second thoughts. If Madenia stopped loving him, he would die. Donii had sent her to heal the pain of Joplaya’s departure and enable him to love again. There would be no third time.

"Are you finished packing?" Madenia sat down beside him. Around her upper left arm coiled a stylized snake, rendered in soot and smeared in mammoth fat mixed with herbs for healing. It marked her as having taken an important spirit Journey, and placed her under the Mother’s protection. Madenia gingerly picked up Lenoria with her other arm and settled her at her breast.

"Does that hurt?" Echozar asked, and could have bitten his tongue off as Madenia glared at him.

"No! Having a needle and soot-smeared sinew thread drawn through your flesh feels like a kiss! Of course it hurts! It is supposed to. Zelandoni said that if you are called to Serve the Mother, you must endure the pain because it goes with the power. So are you finished packing or not?" She really was on edge this evening. Jondalar had told Echozar that could be a sign of her moontime returning, "but don’t ever, under any circumstances, say that to her unless you want a cooking bowl thrown at your head."

"Yes, Madenia, everything is packed except for the clothes we will be wearing tomorrow and the things we will carry."

"Good. Tomorrow morning, we will be leaving. I’m so glad we have Sorrel to take with us. Ayla and Jondalar, and Zelandoni and everyone else here, have been so kind and generous, I hate to leave. I almost wish we could stay here forever," Madenia sighed, "but there’s no way around it. We have to go back to my Cave. Of course, we will be stopping at the Lanzadonii Cave on our return Journey. It will be good to see Lanzadoni again, and Jerika and Dalanar, too."

"Are you sure you don’t want us to make our home there?" Echozar asked hopefully.

"Oh, Echozar, you know we can’t, at least not now. Perhaps if the worst happened and we can’t stay with my people, we can settle there. But that’s not going to happen." Madenia glanced toward the opening of the Cave. "Oh look, it’s raining. I’m so glad we have our new travelling clothes and those wolverine hoods. We’ll be damp, but not soaked."

"You still want to travel if it’s raining?"

Madenia looked at him through narrowed eyes. "You spent whole cycles of the seasons living alone outdoors in all kinds of weather and now you don’t want to travel in a little rain? Echozar, we’ll be just fine. Ayla and Jondalar travelled through snow. We’ll have each other, remember? We can pretend we’re Ayla and Jondalar, off on an exciting new adventure." Madenia and Echozar tied the last bundles onto the draggers as Sorrel stood patiently. The young horse was now fully tamed, and Madenia had learned to ride her. She was glad to have Sorrel along on the Journey. With only one horse, the Journey homewards would not be any faster than if both were walking; but with the horse, Madenia and Echozar could carry home much more than they could if they had to rely on packframes. They had extra food, hides, tools, bone and antler beads to trade for flint at the Lanzadonii cave, as well as a new outfit Folara had made for Madenia as a farewell gift. It would also add to Madenia’s status, to return home from her Journey riding a tame horse. Ayla and Jondalar were the only people the Losadunai had seen do that, before or since. Madenia herself had made up her mind that when she returned home, she was going to start taming horses and showing her people how it was done. Horses were good for so much more than mere food and hides. Sorrel was not just a beast of burden, she was a companion.

Tears were rolling down Madenia’s cheeks as she hugged Ayla and Jondalar good-bye. "You have done so much for me, more than you will ever know. If it weren’t for you, I would not have taken a Journey, not be planning a Matrimonial, and I would not have my baby. I will miss you so much," Madenia sobbed.

"Maybe when Mariza is old enough, she will make her own Journey to see you," said Jondalar. Tears were in his own eyes as he hugged Echozar and Madenia good-bye. "Madenia, you have grown into the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, next to Ayla." Jondalar turned to Echozar. "And remember, if you must leave the Losadunai, you are always welcome here."

"And when Mariza makes her own Journey, I will welcome her as if she were my own daughter," said Madenia, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose.

Ayla kissed Madenia on both cheeks, embraced Echozar, and kissed baby Lenoria in farewell. Madenia had truly grown into a remarkable woman in just a little over a cycle of the seasons. Ayla did not doubt she would be equal to any challenge she would meet back at her home Cave - and there would be many. It would be even harder for Madenia and Echozar than it was for Ayla amongst the Zelandonii. Ayla had the support of Jondalar and his family, as well as the woman who was the tribe’s spiritual leader. Slowly but surely, the rest of the Zelandonii, except for a few die-hards, were being won over by Ayla’s intellect, talents, beauty and warm heart. Would Echozar be able to win over Madenia’s family? She had a sinking feeling that all would not be well. Madenia’s situation, as the only daughter of a high-status family, was so different. And a strong totem, like Madenia’s Snow Leopard, brought strong tests as well.

"Good Journey, Madenia, Good Journey, Echozar. May the Mother protect you…and Walk with Ursus." Ayla and Madenia embraced one last time.

After saying their farewells to Marthona, Willomar and Folara, Echozar took Lenoria from Madenia while Madenia mounted Sorrel. Taking the baby, Madenia strapped her securely in a sling under her parka. Then, with Echozar walking at Sorrel’s head and the draggers bouncing along behind, Madenia, Echozar, Lenoria and Sorrel set out on the long journey back to the Losadunai Cave.

END OF PART ONE