Life is such a fragile gift
and as long as I live I will
never forget
November 5 1985
It was the day that I
set out to end my life!
This is my account of that day
Some may not believe that
God still speaks to
people today
but I know what I heard.
His Holy Spirit spoke to
my heart on this day
and nothing can change
my mind, because I know the
condition I was in and
where I am today!
If these accounts of that
day ring true to your
spirit or not doesn't
change what happened
to me!
Because you see, I'm here
today and know just what
He will do if we will
listen when He speaks
to our hearts
On Novenber 5 1985 I
was 41 years old and it seemed
like I had been running
from something all my
life or was I running
towards something?
By the time I was 24
I had four children and
two marriages that had failed
I had a complete nerveous
breakdown in 1969 and my
doctor told me the breakdown
was caused by two major
events in my life...
The first one was from
the deep rejection I felt
when my parents left me
at such an young age...
The other was having
three children a year
apart from each other
But I didn't want to hear that
it sounded like the blame game
and I truly believed that
it was something I had done
and not anyone eles's fault
just mine!
I didnt want, the poor me
pity party, that sounded
like an excuse to me and
I didn't want to hear that!
I pushed that aside
and said, that did't
apply to me.
Having an addiction to pain
pills, sleeping pills and
nerve pills is not a
pretty picture!
My life was a personal
battle day and night.
And add drinking to that
and you have a nightmare!
I remember people telling me
"If you loved me you
would stop!"
I remember thinking, God
if love could end this
nightmare I would not be on
this roller coaster ride!
On November 5 1985, I came
face to face with the lady I had
become and I did not like
who I saw...
I knew that I could not face
another day, not like this
Not with the pills and
drinking
The pain I felt ran so very deep
and no amount of pills or alcohol
could ease my pain
It was a battle that I had
fought all my life and it was
a fight I could no
longer face so I decided to end it
Today I would end the pain
As I finished cleaning
the kitchen I picked up my
sleeping pill bottle and yelled...
"IF THIS IS LIVING
I WANT NO MORE!"
I was calling the drug
store to refill my pills but
the phone was busy and
as I put the phone down
I heard a voice say...
"Find a church"
I shook that off and picked
up the phone again
dialing the number...
Still busy! Again I heard
"Find a church"
Now I'm thinking I have really
lost it, now I'm hearing voices!
I dialed the drug store
one more time...
Still busy!
And once again I heard the voice
But it was like someone was
in the room with me...
"Find a church"
This time the voice spoke with
authority and power!
I thought, well I could
go to the church that I pass
on the way to the drug store
It was a Methodist Church...
I said, "OKay, I will
stop by the church, but
if there is one car
in that parking lot I will not
stop!"
I called the church and a lady
answered, I asked if the
church was opened.
The lady said, "Yes it is
always open"
I drove to the church and there
were no cars in the parking lot!
As soon as I stepped
out of the car my legs
felt like rubber and my whole
body was shaking...
I opened the door to the church
there was a long hallway,
a door on my left and one
on the right
I opened the door on
the left, it lead in to the
sanctuary
I have to say that the thought
of walking into that room
scared me.
I just knew I would be struck
down if I entered!
I had given my life to Jesus
when I lived with my Grandma but
I certainly had not lived
for Him.
I kept thinking that He
told me to come here and
the walls are going to fall in
on me!
I walked past 8 pews and started
to sit down when I heard
the voice again...
"Go all the way to the alter"
My knees were knocking
together and my legs didnt
want to move
I was about three pews from
the alter I thoought, this was
far enough, but again
the voice said...
"All the way to the alter"
The closer I got to
the alter the more my body shook!
When I touched the rail of
the alter I fell to
my knees!
How long I knelt there
I don't know but...
I broke down completely
and all the resentment,
all the rejection,
all the anger,
all the pain,
all the fear, all
the hurt came pouring
out of my heart!
And I asked God to forgive
me of all my sin,
and to help me!
The desire for sleeping pills,
pain pills, and alcohol
was gone!
All the pain from all the
rejection and loneliness I
had felt for the past 41
years came out and fell
upon that little alter...
I dont know how long I
was there knealing at the alter
but all the emptiness
and sadness that had filled
my heart for all those years
left me...
All of it, was gone!
In it's place was
complete peace!
For the first time in my
life I was at peace!
There was no more blame
no fear, no more feeling
of not belonging!
If you would have asked me what
the weather was like at 9:30 AM
when I entered the church I
would have said it was a
cloudy and dark day but when
I walked out of the church
the sun was shining and I
thought it was shining just
for me!
I remember hearing birds
singing and I said...
It is a beautiful day!
I realized later that all the
dark clouds and heaviness
had been in my own heart!
I had planned to end my life
on November 5 1985...
But God had a different plan...
He set me free and gave
me peace!
