The pain relieves me when I hold everything inside left untold. It's the smile that scars me. It heals the soul I tend to believe. I've made on my own. I open the Bible every day and read the same things I've kept in the front jacket for almost two years. "You should know who I am"...
All the years of my life before this had happened, never had I thought, "I'm going to love someone." I didn't even know what the word meant. Being 11 and still crushed over my sisters death, I couldn't understand why I'd love anyone, more or less someone that I don't know. Not knowing him never became a problem. It was the nights alone and the songs I listened to over and over while falling asleep to the man who won't know who I am. It was the man who knew nothing about me. That was the biggest problem I ever made.
I tempted to believe I was tricking myself and no one else that I loved this man. I wrote poems with the word "Love" in it, directed to him only. I made four page tears. I'd sit myself up while I'd pray to my One and I'd wish that everything were true. I'd wish the dreams were meant to be. Soon, I believed. Before it was too late, I was forced to lie to myself...soon, he'll love me.
Sitting at my bed, learning about the blood I've held in for so long, I was tempted to ruin it. I was tempted to ruin the plan. Not making an effort never occurred to me. It was the point I will never have this man. It's still hard to believe. Whether I should or shouldn't believe the truths/lies about what I've done I don't know I'll know.
"I really lost my way this time..." The lyrics of track seven of the second literal album. I knew they knew. They had to. They knew what I felt. They've known all this time. I wasn't alone. Losing my sister two years before that hurt me. Losing my sister four years before that hurt me. Not having anyone to talk to...that hurt me. Now it relates to me. The lyrics relate to me.
I was happy with "MMMBop ba duba..." I was strongly happy with it. I was happy for one reason; I didn't understand a word. I just sang. When I did sing, it never occurred to anyone else what the words meant. They were young; they meant nothing to anyone or me at the time. I was happy because it was the only feeling I didn't feel before the song entered my heart. It was the only feeling I was abandoned of. When I learned that I was more happy than normal, I tried my hardest to keep the happiness inside. The bad part was, while MMMBop stuck with me in the back of my head, the meaning came forward. The relationships and the backs turned...I related to it. It didn't make me proud. I didn't think they understood anymore. I just thought they knew. The relationship I had with one sister started when my other sister passed on. That was the only relationship I wanted to keep. Somehow I knew it was soon to be the end. The lyrics blamed me. They blamed me for what I did and how I did it. I turned my back. Why did I have to turn away from her? I let her go...now I have no one to understand. Except the lyrics that knew.
Middle of Nowhere, to me, became a book that was translated in so many ways. One song could mean one thing to you, the next day totally different. It didn't happen over night, I just understood and then I felt pity. I didn't know learning words to such a ëhappy' song meant so much. I took pride that I could finally be happy about what I did and myself. Knowing what the song meant put me back in my place. I didn't know anything more than I did before, the day before. The day after felt worse than the day before I became happy. It took me a year to realize a fourth of my mistake.
After I isolated myself for a while I tried peaking once in a while. When I did I tried making someone laugh. I tried laughing with someone. Even if it meant sitting on my bed, holding my sisters' pictures next to me, telling a joke and laughing to it- I did it. I was desperate for love to come back. Having two empty rooms for a while hurt. I didn't know what to do. Because I did let to myself, I didn't know how to cope with a loss. Once as I told people why I was sad, they said I should be over it. I should be ëover it'.
Now that MMMBop was my soul mate at the time, I risked the thought of losing everything I could've had. That meant happiness. I thought I knew what happiness was. It was something I'd lose in the end because I turned too 'fast'. I turned away and I forgot to look at what was wrong. Because of that, I lost my last relationship.
I turned to the last place anyone would for help. The email I hadn't used in over a year. I tried emailing new people. They didn't understand. I didn't think anyone would. When I contacted one person, it was like she offered to change the rest of my life. She did. I took the advice and simple contact she gave me. What I didn't know, a third of my mistake.
When I used the contact information of this one person whom I wished to be one with, I ended up crying nights and nights. Not because I was angry, finally, because I was happy. It felt so good. It felt amazing. I had nothing to say or do other than smile. That was enough for everyone who saw the change. The first words that came out of his mouth were ìYou should know who I am.î I didn't bother to reach his point of sarcasm. I toyed with my senses and made sure I knew who he was. He made sure I knew who he was, too. The calls became endless and I thought I could handle the pressure of having to release being his ëfan'. I finally did encounter the point where I had to choose. That was half of my mistake.
It was the day before Halloween and I hadn't talked to him for almost a month. I didn't mind. I kept saying I had more than what I should've had. I blamed it on myself for everything wrong that happened, I didn't want to seem stuck up but I became non-worthier. I used my email and I had gotten a surprise email from this guy who claimed to know who I am. I wasn't sure so I questioned him. Before one question of mine was answered, his were. He complained of the past experiences he's had. I didn't know the guy's name. I was to blame. I didn't know what to say when he said he knew everything. I didn't know what to do when he wanted to become friends. When I realized who this man was, and it was proven to be so, I took the Hanson fan away, not being so mysterious. I brought the me in, but before time, it was too late. Because it was too late, I blamed myself.
I was confused and I didn't know what to do. I thought it would continue. Because of that, I became more depressed each day that it didn't. Soon, I forgot why I was happy to begin with. I searched picture piles for my sister, my brother too, and started telling stories. I forgot how to be happy and what for.
'Goodbye Four Leaf Clovers'...I've lost...I'm loosing...I've gained no hope. It was beginning of 2000. I've fallen. I've fallen into a hole so deep I didn't know if there was a way out. My friend wanted to die. I didn't know her that long, but I felt pressure to keep a hold on her. I decided to prove her wrong and make her happy...and tell her he was there.
Before I knew it I wasn't worrying why I wasn't happy. I was wondering why everyone else wasn't. Because they weren't, I made them happy or tried to. I never gained anyone's friendship before I tried my hardest; so to me, it was gaining my own trust to the truth I should've revealed to myself years before. I decided doing what's best.
The 12-hour ride to my destiny was tiring. I didn't know what to do. He was 19 years old. I was only 13. What change could I make? I couldn't decide any correctly so I began mellow as the trip ended. I arrived in the middle of the afternoon and I looked for a place to stay. I felt so locked; I didn't know why I bothered. I was very confused as to why I'd think a thing in the first place.
The time came and the closest I got was to a relative. She received what the boys should've gotten, too. They did. I stopped the Hanson fan stage and I thought the best was to approach in a friendly manner. No matter what I did, it was wrong. They seriously loved to hate me. The man I loved wasn't present. From the point I last talked to him, almost a year before then, to now, almost two years after. He was the one I started living happily. Now, I don't know.
I started writing poems and willing devotions without sending it to this man whom started my life. I have him to thank. I wouldn't know what to do if it weren't for him. It only took two years after I discovered him to realize he made me happy. I look back to my Bible every night to find what he had said to me. I listen in my head while I read with my tearful eyes. I knew who he was. I knew who Isaac was. He knew I knew who he was.
I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while now. The anniversaries of certain things that only belong to me trigger me. I seem to smile almost everyday now. I know why. I only know why because I know the meaning of the song he sang to me. If only Isaac knew the certain meaning I'd wish to give him.
I keep waiting for someone to realize what I'm going through and there goes another part of my mistake. I'm thinking someone will know perfectly. I'll keep a tear. One day he'll come or I'll go. He'll know that I've known for all my life. He needs to know, I'll never know.