Okay, I was listening to this song and it said "These are the moments I'll remember all my life." Then, I was thinking when someone said you remember your teen years and what affects it most your life time. Then, I was thinking when I'd marry or something and it's not ya'll I was thinking of how I'd remember when I was a big fan and how ya'll got me through these tough times of my life, which I'd probably be a fan until you're not the band anymore. So, I was thinking how the band would end. Then, I was thinking, I wouldn't think it would unless someone dies. Then...I was thinking of Isaac. Usually I think Taylor but this time I thought Isaac and I was thinking back to this song...Then I was thinking how Zac would feel. I'd probably email him or something (That's if it was recent) and I'd probably like go manic first off...so I probably wouldn't get the time to email Zac cause I'd be too over whelmed, what the hell am I supposed to do when Isaac suddenly is gone?! I mean, how many days I haven't known him and knowing I never will, still he is there, you know? Like...You know, my sisters, they weren't with me every single day of my life. And it's harder when family is and they are gone. And Isaac, he was never with me and if he won't be, I'll live, I guess. But then, he is kind of there every day. Like, right now I truly don't know what the Hell Isaac is feeling right now. I don't know if he's alright. God forbid if he's hurt or in pain or any of that below what happiness I wish him to be in. And then, like...Well, I find out days later that Isaac is like not there. I mean, I don't know if he's 'not there' today or tomorrow or even yesterday. I just assume. That's what was with my sisters, I assumed they'd be there. Well, it hit me hard when they weren't. I don't know what I'd do if Isaac became lost and if he was never found in the light of day again and I have to remember that for the rest of my life...And no more of his. I always said I'd love Isaac for the rest of my life or his. And if it ever turned to the fact that his was over, I'd surely be gone. As pathetic that may seem to ya'll...I've put deep thought into it. And, I know I shouldn't, I've dreamt of these things. Remember when I was crying cause I was thinking of Isaac being in the place of Romeo and Juliet? I know, I know, it'll never happen but it's the point you never know. I never EVER would have thought my sisters would die on those days. I would never think it. I always dreamt of seeing them at the nursing home or something, you know? And I will always want and need Isaac where he is now. If suddenly you lose him...if suddenly I lose him, I'd be clueless of what to do. What to do? I wouldn't believe it. Then again, what's with him right now?! I truly don't know. When I could call him those nights I did...I knew. I knew he was okay. I heard his voice and I heard the happiness I enjoyed so much from him. Now I don't...and I can't ever know. Why was I given the chance when I less needed it? I need it now...I do. Looking at the pictures across from me, I see his face and I remember the voice given to me and his own reciting the words over and over has he yet known what the hell misery he has put me through to live? Has he not known? As true the words let be...I'd be clueless, counting how many times I've prepared myself of such incident, such accident, such pain what God would force upon us all, I'd be clueless and bare of thoughts retaining his happiness I thought would live forever. That's why I don't like the thought of him being alive in my eyes. Cause someday he's going to die. Someday in my eyes he won't be there. But already he is until he succeeds passionately as myself in the own being I seem to exist in. The word Love perhaps doesn't come close to the strength I try...to give. To make... To live through. Have I yet ever told you this? How much I'd hate to love him? Yes...I've told him...Finally. As much that made me happy when I found Zac has remembered the certain words...I forget. And I probably always will. As much I thought that would exist in all pain and make it better, it won't anymore. Not until he's here with me. And he won't. And I cry. Painful cry. I mourn over the death he has already became in...I've made him...He's dying on his own every single day he's not here.
I remember how sweet and tender he was. He used to be so young and so naive. Now I still have yet to learn what he has known for it seems the whole while. I've been without him for so long I still believe he's coming. Why? Why must I suffer. It hurts. It hurts right where the soul ends to be. The doors and the light...He has opened and made to be...they are all growing old. He is going away. As long as he hasn't been, he has been leaving me. From beginning I've loved his ...No word. Everything. If suddenly it was completely taken...God, I don't even know if he's okay right now. If he's not in pain. If he ever...if I ever found out...he was in pain, the things I wouldn't do. I'm sorry...If you've read this all, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. I just feel the same the day before I called Isaac. The day before really all this pain has become too real...So tangible. It hurts. So bad...
And then I say if he is happy, he must love. And if he does, I hurt more. But then I see his smile and I see he can be happy and he has somebody. And if he does...How can he not love someone who loves him so dearly? How is that possible? I love him. If he loves someone right now...I cry tears. I cry dry tears. Because...that's unspeakable. I couldn't believe it. It's possible, though. That's how impossible it is for me to think that....that's how possible it is. Isaac...I love you that's pretty much self explanatory. As much that explains itself...you'd never know. Never. As much as I'll never know if you're in pain this day or next. Oh, how I miss the opportunity to speak with him about NOTHING at all. I enjoyed that. I was so happy. If I wasn't happy why would I cry because I feel this way and not of that day? If I wasn't happy why do I wish it back so? He made me so happy there's nothing compared. I want it back....Amen. These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive...These are the moments I'll remember all my life.
(Funny how one thing I think of drifts to another and then another and then inevitably back on Isaac.)