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At 5 minutes past 8 on a Thursday night a young man named Jason sat in his
room drawing a heart and writing in it the name of a girl he barely knew.
His impulse to call Bethany was so strong that it was like her green eyes
were looking at him and asking him to call her. The problem was that Jason wasn't sure if he was really even friends with Bethany. He sat behind her almost every day in Spanish class, and he felt like he knew the back of her neck better than he knew her. Every time he tried to talk to her, details about her neck flashed across his mind and left him speechless. The terrible intimacy of his neck knowledge haunted him with an intensity. He doubted that even actualising his fantasies would cure him of his crush. Kissing Bethany wouldn't make his romantic feelings for her go away because he would like kissing her too much. Distracted, Jason went into the living room and flipped on the TV. He let the TV guide channel scroll through its cycles as he looked out the window at the Basketball Hall of Fame. He had the idea that any minute a basketball might fly right out of the building's geodesic shell. He wanted to see what would happen if the glass walls shattered and if witnessing the even would get him a quote in the newspaper. With enthusiasm, he brought his pet goldfish out to keep watch with him. Then Jason fell asleep. The next morning when Jason woke up, he looked at the goldfish swimming around with its strange purpose. He carried the fishbowl back into his room because he liked to keep secret the things that he had bought with his own money. Besides, the goldfish was his friend, and he needed to talk in private with it. The two bonded with silent words and thoughts. Jason explained that he regretted the fact that he hadn't called Bethany. The goldfish reassured him that he could always talk to her that night at the school dance. The day flew by for Jason, and before he knew it, his mom was dropping him off at the gym for the dance. Jason walked right up to Bethany, not letting his embarrassment stop him from asking her to dance. All his fears of insanity disappeared as he held her in his arms. Everything that had once stormed around him fell into silence as destiny created an inner core within his soul. After the dance he walked her home. Jason settled into his destiny comfortably. At every dance they danced together the entire time. He always walked her home. It was as if everything in his life made sense and had a purpose. Then one day at a dance she told him that she did not want to dance with him. He saw the rejection in slow motion, and then he saw the scene rewind and re-play in his head. He was deep-ended. If Jason questioned her as to why she didn't want to dance with him, she might ask him to explain his feelings, too. And what would he say? That he was in love with her neck? How ridiculous! Jason knew that if he walked away he might be losing an opportunity, but he felt he had no other choice. He walked over to a chair by the snack table and sat there for a few more songs before walking home. Once back at home, Jason realized that it would have been better to have stayed at the dance where at least the music had relieved him a little of his constant thoughts. He sat meditating on the movements of his goldfish. Before it stretched the waters; places to swim, currents to ride. Beyond its home was a world where people fought for that which they loved. Everyday the food rained down into the fishbowl, and the goldfish sucked in the nourishment. If only life was that simple. But Jason knew that life could never be simple for him. The difference between Jason and the goldfish was that Jason had vision. He could see himself making mistakes. He could see the shifting tides of his future. That spring night in Massachusetts Jason believed in true love because he believed that the dreams imprinted on his senses would remain. His heart would always skip a beat upon hearing Bethany enter the room. At 16 years, Jason didn't want to make the biggest mistake of his life. He couldn't live with regret echoing bitterly in his head. As he reached for the phone, he felt a dizziness in his body that stayed with him. |
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Meditations on the Movement of a Goldfish
Great currents sent the goldfish on his way |