Life is so precious and no one realizes that until they've lost someone they love, someone they're so close to that they thought it would be impossible to live without. When that person is taken away from them, they don't know what to make of their lives anymore...

I found that out the hard way.

Eighteen. You were only eighteen. That fact right there is already ridiculously hard to fathom. There wasn't one person in this world quite like you, and I'm sure that there won't ever be any other people quite like you. How you came and went so quickly still makes my heart break. You were everything a person could ever want in a man... kind, caring, generous, humorous, optimistic, athletic, multi-talented, good-looking... I could go on forever if I wanted to, but that's not really the point here.

The point here is that I never got to say goodbye. I never got to hear your last words, see your last smile, hear your voice for the last time. And honestly, I haven't a clue why I'm writing this... you'll never get it. I won't ever be able to send it anywhere. I guess it's just a way for me to comfort myself with this loss. Maybe you are reading it, though. Maybe you're sitting on my shoulder reading every word as I write it. I hope you are, Justin, I really hope you are.

You know what, it's times like these that people really come to reflect on their lives. As I look back on the five amazing years that I've known you, I really can't focus on any horrific moments. Sure, we had our arguments, we had our bad days, but all in all I don't think I would've changed ONE thing about having you in my life... no, we've been through too much together. That's what makes your death all the more tragic. All the papers and television stations are saying how it was such a loss to the music world and how *NSYNC would've gone so far in their career if that plane hadn't crashed. That's all they really see, Justin. They don't see the pain that your family, your friends, and your relatives are all succumbing to. They don't see the love that they held for you so deeply. The love that I held for you so deeply.

It's funny, isn't it? How admist the sea of hysteria that is surrounding me right now, I haven't been able to do much of anything for the past week... I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I've just been dwelling in my own little realm, somewhere away from all the media, all the letters, all the pain that's been dealt to me. I know you wouldn't want me shutting myself off from the rest of reality, but it's so hard, Justin. It's TOO hard. You were everything to me... my best friend, my boyfriend, my inspiration... you were practically my brother. I can't seem to pull myself out of this ditch that I've been hiding away in to face the days that keep coming no matter how hard I try to keep them from coming. And that's what scares me, Justin. That I'm not strong enough to look at each new day as a different challenge, as a way to start my life over.

Is it wrong to dwell in my pain for so long? Is it wrong to want to shut myself off from the world just because I lost a close friend? Is it wrong to want you back so badly, Justin? I'm looking at a picture of us together last summer and I found my answer. I found my answer and it was sitting right there in front of me all this time. I've been foolish to think that you're not here anymore, because you are. You'll always be here... in my heart, in my soul, and in my dreams. You want me to move on, don't you Justin?

Even though I'm still crying, a smile has found a way to creep over my face and I know now that I'll be okay. You'll be with me as my guardian angel, so I know that you won't let me forget you. Thank you, Justin. Thank you for allowing me to write away my sadness, my depression and my anger. And thank you for showing me something that I never thought I would experience so young in my life... thank you for showing me how strong the gift of true love is. I'll never forget you.

Love always... your best friend,
*Rebekah _______________________________________________________________________

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