I was never one of those guys who sat around at the school lunch table during fifth period gabbing about who got with the hottest girl, or who got more smashed over the weekend. I wasn't close to being popular or even part of the "kind-of-but-not-quite-popular" group.
I more or less kept to myself, going about my way quietly, not wanting to bother anyone in the process. I guess you could say I was pretty shy, but I just never felt the need to say more than I had to. I always had a book in my face and I got picked on every other day for it, but it wasn't anything that I took too personally. I was happy with my life...I made good grades, was passionate about the sports I played, had a close-knit family. I didn't really need anything else.
Girls, you ask? Girls were something that boggled my mind. I just couldn't understand them. Most of the ones at my school went around flaunting the bodies that they had, or in some cases, the bodies they DIDN'T have and were up on all of the guys who just wanted a piece of ass. I never had a girlfriend until I was a senior in high school, believe it or not. Maybe it was just that I wasn't looking for one, nor did I care if I had one. Then again, maybe it was just that none of the girls made any effort to talk to me or befriend me in anyway...
Well, except one. I think it's safe to say that she brought me out of my shell and taught me a lot of things about life, love, and sacrifice. I'll never forget her, nor will I ever, ever regret any of the things that happened between us. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I still thank God for her everyday.
Bailee was the type of girl who never cared what anyone thought about her. She dressed how she wanted to, acted how she wanted to, said what she felt and never once told a lie. I wouldn't have considered her "popular", but she had a lot of friends. Everyone liked her. The teachers adored her. She was so incredibly smart...something that I grew to worship about her. She, like myself, always was reading, though I of course got the harsher end of the teasing. I guess that's high school for you.
Anyway, back to Bailee. She wasn't gorgeous, like some people considered the head of the cheerleading squad to be, but she was intoxicating to me. She was the epitome of beauty in my eyes. She had chocolately brown hair and sparkling -- always sparkling -- brown eyes. She wasn't super skinny, she was a little heavier than you see teenage girls stereotyped to be these days. That's what I found attractive about her, though. She didn't fret over if she looked "fat" (which she wasn't at all) and she didn't get the non-fat ice cream when we went out. She always told me how much she loved her body, because it was how God had made her. She didn't want to be anyone else, she was so happy with who she was.
I'll admit that I didn't really know her until she approached me one day in the library. (This was the place I could normally be found, other than in a hockey rink or tennis court.) She sat down across from me at the table and eyed me conspiciously until I looked up from my book. Then, she smiled at me.
Let me stop for a minute and tell you about that smile. That smile killed me. It was like my whole world did a complete spin and was completely uplifted for the rest of the day. You know that feeling when you've been sitting for a real long time and you stand up really fast? How you kind of go black and get really dizzy? That's what her smile did to me. In a good way. Her teeth were sparkling and her aura was just...you had to smile back at her. You just had to, it was physically impossible to be near her and not be drawn to her.
So there I was, in a complete exhilaration at this girl that I didn't know's smile. She went one further though, and threw me off my solidity, just by introducing herself.
"Hi, I'm Bailee. Who are you?" Her voice was so full of excitement. Whenever she talked, it radiated out of her. Perhaps I'm just biased though.
"Hayden. Do I know you?" Yes, I was an idiot and I did say that. You can stop laughing at me now, because me saying those stupid words made her giggle and from what she told me later on, pushed her to keep after me.
"Not yet. But Hayden, would you do me a huge favor?"
How could I resist?
"Would you smile? The world isn't that horrible and I've been glancing at you for some time and I've seen nothing but a scowl. Smiles are what make this world a better place...so do your part."
I fell in love with Bailee Howard the second those words left her beautiful lips. I don't really remember what I replied to her little favor for me, but I probably mumbled something about how I wasn't scowling, just concentrating. She ignored that anyway and flashed that smile at me again, before changing the subject.
"So Hayden, whatcha got there?"
"Just a book by Hermann Hesse called 'KNULPS'. You should read it sometime."
"I'll pick it up on my way out."
After a few more random words, I had finally worked up enough nerve to ask this girl if she wanted to go grab some food at this place I usually went to after school, when everyone else went to the "hangout". I knew she was waiting for me to say it, just by the way she kept looking at me anxiously. Something about the way she looked at me made me feel so good inside...like I was a whole new person. Remember, I had never had a girlfriend before, let alone a girl who was interested in me.
Bailee, of all people, was interested. She said she had taken notice to me in the hallways because I wasn't like the rest of the guys and I always had a book in my hand. A year or so into our relationship she told me that she wanted to find out about the person hidden behind the "mask"...because, as she claimed, "someone was obviously trying to break out of it". I guess she was right because I've become such a stronger person and so much more confident than I ever dreamed I could be.
We started dating only a few days after she had first sat down at that table and I remember seeing people's faces as we walked through the halls hand in hand. I think they wondered what someone like me could have done to attract someone like Bailee. People talked, people gossiped, people started rumors. Petty things like those were only one of the many challenges that the two of us climbed together which in the end, made us stronger and happier.
We were absolutely inseparable when graduation rolled around. By that time, people had stopped talking and started admiring the relationship we had. I could even tell that a few were jealous.
It wasn't that we were this perfect "fairytale" couple or even that we were close to being perfect. No, we fought from time to time and I think that in the end, it made us stronger. Especially when she told me her deepest secret.
Bailee had been battling cancer since she was in grade school. The doctors had given her until she was sixteen to live, but she had surpassed that by almost three years. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with in my life.
When she told me, her voice was the same usual bouncy tone and she spoke the words with a smile. I can remember everything about that night...what she was wearing, how her hair was, what perfume she wore. It was like yesterday...
"Hayden, do you trust me?"
"Of course I do.", I told her with a kiss.
She smiled. "Do you trust that what I'm about to tell you is something you needn't get upset over and that I need you to keep smiling always?"
I didn't like where this was going. The thought of her cheating on me crossed my mind, but I wouldn't let it linger in my head. She wouldn't do something like that to me. "I trust you, Bail."
That's when she paused and took a deep, prolonged breath. I knew something was very wrong.
She smiled once more, not as bright as before. "I have cancer, Hayden. I don't know how long I have left..."
If you've ever gotten hit by a car, then you MIGHT be able to comprehend the emotion I felt at that time. My mouth went instantly dry and I could have sworn I saw my heart drop right out of my body. Nothing could have prepared me for those words, not even if someone had walked up to me and told me two days beforehand that my girlfriend was going to tell me she was dying. But I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for a blow like that.
Now, I wasn't one who normally cried at anything. But I did more crying that night and the following few weeks to last me a lifetime. I wasn't ashamed of it, nor was I proud of myself, because she had told me to not get upset over it. I asked her about that and the reason she gave me only made me fall in love with her a tenfold more.
"I lived my life beautifully, Hayden. I beat doctor's predictions, I went to my senior prom with my crush, I graduated out of high school, I met someone who made me complete, and I experienced life as I wanted to. You can't be sad about rising to an eternal life... where things are even more beautiful than they are here. Please understand. I'm not afraid of dying...no one should be if they've lived this life to the fullest and done everything they set out to do. I have...and I wouldn't have if you hadn't been scowling that day in the library."
Bailee was a joker. She joked right up until she was lying on her deathbed. One of her last words to me was, "Just because I'm not here doesn't mean I can't see you, mister. So you better watch what you do because I'll get God to send a lightening bolt after you."
The day came when she went and she left me with an "I love you" and a hand squeeze. I cried but there was a wave of strength that passed over me. You see, Bailee Howard changed my life, there is no denying that. Before I met her, I was shy and I let the days of life pass by me quickly. I took things for granted and I never looked inside of me to find out the talents I had.
Today, I'm an actor and I recently finished my biggest accomplishment to date...the lead in a little film called Star Wars. Maybe you've heard of it. Bailee was there, in spirit, like she always is, pushing me to audition for each role that I've done. I also am taking each day and living it like it's MY last. I'm not afraid of death because I know that when my time comes, I'll be able to say that I experienced everything I wanted to, just like Bailee had explained to me. I know she'll be there welcoming me into the gates with that same radiant smile that she always wore on her face.
It's only been a year since she left me, but finally I'm starting to date again. Bailee will always be my true love, but that's another thing she taught me. You can't dwell in the past...because the future is YOURS. It's so vast and waiting for you to conquer it that you don't have time to sit around and wait for it to come to you.
People don't realize what the power of one can accomplish. Bailee held that power over me, transformed me into a new man and I am forever in her debt for it. I only hope that now I can bestow that same belief in someone else who needs it.
