god loves a sacrifice

i saw you lying there
dressed in your finest suit
flowers cloyingly sweet
stifle my breath
you were so handsome
your hair neatly combed
so different from the boy i knew
who used to ride dirt bikes
who was always covered with scrapes
cuts and bruises came naturally to you
they were a little different for me
back then
i carried my share of them you know
hidden
i cried when our sister told me
couldn't stop
everytime i did
something else would
bring them flowing again
strange isn't it?
that i would cry so much
for someone i had given up knowing
a lifetime ago
it was supposed to be me you know?
years ago
annie says you never blamed me
so why do i blame myself
for her ... for you
for so much more than the
sum of the scars
i met your wife that day too
did you know?
she was beautiful even in grief
we talked
briefly
she said you had spoken of me
not often ... but not unkindly
i thank you for that
even though i know
the things you could have said
how i hated you
hit you
scorned and ridiculed you
and then ran away and left you
i sat numb as the rest went forward
to say their good-byes
and when they were all gone
i went to you
waiting for the tears to come again
reeking stench of lillies and carnations
roses sickening ... overpowering
thoughts ran amok
and i found myself
how much later?
i don't know
lisa was there and annie
i guess i made a scene ...
perhaps it is best
to not remember some things
graveside
i hung back
afraid
embarassed
overwhelmed
it was supposed to be me you know?
years ago
mom tried to talk to me
i turned away
much as she had
years ago
how do you come home
after a lifetime of hurt?
how do you ever come home again
when nothing is the same
yet nothing has changed?
in the car
my hands held by my child's
how do you tell them
of the things that tear you up inside
until you want to scream
agonies of anguish well up
spill over
defiling the quietly grieving scene
but that's my nature
or my abnormality
shining through once again
now you will lie there
forever but
it was supposed to have been me you know?
years ago
god loves a sacrifice
it was supposed to have been me