«
Diary of a MADMAN
»
Substance Abuse
September 23, 1996
Visions clouded by marijuana smoke; actions influenced by another 40
ounce of Steel; feelings lost through failures. Through the smoke I
see nothing but a dark, endless tunnel of life. I see no light at the
end of the tunnel, the end is but another dark wall. Through the double
vision I see angry people trying to persuade my thoughts; trying to
take any advantage they can. I feel nothing; I can`t fully feel
reality; I`m lost. Different paths to take, but they all end up in the
same place; early death. Puff, puff, my mind is at ease. Another few
hours of freedom, another break, finally, I can relax. While in this
nirvana state I can clearly meditate. I can see what's going on
around me, I can think deeper. I`m finally alone, I can freely be
myself; I can contemplate my surroundings, and my peers. Another
french inhale; smoke straight to the brain; my eyes red; my mind
in a state of massive anger. I envision myself as a loner, a desperado
on the run, but from what? What is it that keeps me unhappy?
Crimson thoughts of homicide enter my mind. The power held by the person holding the gun, the godly power, the power of god, the power to choose who lives and who dies, the power to end life! Feel the cold rim of the bottle touching my lips, lean my head back, feel the fire in my stomach. Am I insane? What the fuck is my problem? Everything begins slowing down, everything becoming light. Judgement distorted, what will I do now? I remember the past torment, remember the pain, remember the constant hurt. Revenge is on my mind. A plot, schemes, plans building in my mind, premeditated murder, murder in the first, a resolution, the only solution. Throw the fucking bottle against the wall and watch the broken glass gleam in the moonlight, a wicked smile comes over my face as another bottle of Steel is opened. Numbness takes me over, I can feel pain no longer, I can conquer anyone. I`m now an enraged man, anfer so dense it`s pouring out my eyes, but why? What is it that keeps me in a constant state of anger? Why am I so pissed off?
See the sharp, sparkling blade of a knife; the fear. Cut, slice stab! Everyone is a potential victum; anyone can be my prey. I`m a madman, a sadist, a drifter. Slam the emptied shot glass down forcefully, a murderous look plastered on my face, who wants to die? Who will I become after another shot? Who will I morph into? Charles Manson or Mother Teresa? Only you, the people can decide. Your actions influence people`s lives, people you don`t even know, people driving down the street, people on the side of the street, anyone. Today`s society creates most of the problems, who will be the next notorious predator? Who knows, you may decide. It might just be me.......... Don`t push me........ Please... Don`t push me...
|
