Forgiveness

     For a long time I was deeply hurt as a little girl, and then left to battle through the resulting multitude of emotions on my own. My heart was broken and scarred beyond measure, and I was filled with bitterness, and the desire for the one that had so hurt me to suffer. I had no idea how to cope with the anguish, confusion, and deep fear, and the anger would well up in me toward the one who had so wronged me. I remember thinking thoughts that horrify me now, of wanting him to learn what pain felt like. It just seemed so unfair that someone could hurt me so badly, and then just go on with life as though nothing happened, and leave me reeling, staggering, trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life, and trying to go on, and eventually feeling unable to go on at all.

     Then the Lord Jesus brought me to Himself, and freely forgave me for all of my sins, through His precious blood.

* Her sins which are many are forgiven... Luke 7:47

     I knew that the Lord also asked me to forgive the one that had so hurt me, and I was willing.

* Then came Peter to Him [Jesus], and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matt. 18:21:22

     I honestly don't have any remembrance of struggling to forgive. I just know that I went from being filled with bitter thoughts to having all traces of anger and bitterness wiped away, and being filled with sympathy and care for the one that had so hurt me. I think the Lord in His tender mercy simply gave it to me without me even asking him for it. (I may have asked but I don't have any recollection of it).

     I was just a young girl dropped into a whirlwind of suffering, and I think the Lord in His compassionate love didn't burden me with any more things to struggle through. When the one that hurt me was dying, and suffering physical pain, I wept for him, and my deep desire and prayer for him was that he would be saved and go to be with Jesus. I wanted him to be filled with bliss for all of eternity, and never know anything of the depths of pain that I felt. That was the Lord's power to forgive, given to me, and I thank Him for that gift from the depths of my heart.

* I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil. 4:13

     I've had to simply accept the fact that there is loss, and very great loss. Years of my life have gone into just trying to cope moment by moment with pain and fear that was threatening to drown me. All of it has taken a real toll on my health. The scars may never be erased on this earth. But that is ok. My precious Savior has scars, too, from dying to save me from my sin.

     There is always loss when we are deeply wronged by someone. But if we choose not to forgive, the loss is so much greater that there isn't even any comparison. We still have all the loss, and hold tightly to the poison of bitterness, also, which will harden us, and sour us, and totally destroy us.

     I've found there is such comfort in forgiving. There is such a freeing relief in letting go of all the anger, and just letting Jesus fill my heart with His love and care for those who have deeply hurt me. I also know that my Heavenly Father is very pleased with our willing obedience, and I can come before Him, in confidence, and plead His healing and His help for my broken heart.

     "Lord, I'm hurting to the depths of my soul. I can't even express the depths of insecurity, fear, and confusion that I battle moment by moment. I feel like I'm just a bunch of shattered broken pieces. I feel like there are pieces missing and strange ones added in. I'm so confused I can't even put my thoughts into words, but Father, I just give it all up to you. You know how to lead me out of this tangled maze, and put the broken pieces back together. I just plead with you to help me and heal me."

     I've often prayed something like this, but maybe even more often, I didn't even have the strength or clarity of mind to do much more than whisper His name in a desperate cry for help, but oh, He was there! And He has healed me to such a degree that I never even dreamed was possible in this life. He who has created us, is surely able to put the broken pieces back together. He can even restore years that seem so wasted!

* And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten... Joel 2:25

     The Lord always blesses us when we are obedient to Him, and He is more than able to take care of us, and heal us, and work ALL things (yes, even horrific heartaches and losses!) together for our good.

* And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. Rom. 8:28.

     In the years since then, I've had other occasions where I've needed to forgive. I will not say that it has always been as easy as that first time. But the Lord's power is just the same now as it was then, and He never asks anything of us that He doesn't give us the power to obey Him in, if we are willing, and ask Him to help us.

* For this cause we...do not cease to pray for you...That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing...Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power. Col. 1:9-11

     Several years after that first great trial, I went through a different kind of suffering, which left me much more broken than ever, in some ways. People that I looked up to and trusted did things I never would have even dreamed they were capable of. This time it wasn't just my life that was shattered, but also my precious friend's lives. That is so very much harder for me. And when my dearly loved ones reached out to me in total anguish, I couldn't even give them comfort and care like I always had when they were hurting, because others managed to break off all contact between us. The horror of that time, and a long while afterwards could never be told in words. I went through a very severe breakdown, and for a long time felt like my trust in humanity was totally gone. I was horrified and aghast beyond any expression, at the agony of suffering, and total devastation that trusted people could cause.

     Once again my Savior expected me to forgive, and yes, once again He has given me the power to do so, too!

* Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger...be put away from you,...And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Eph. 4:31-32

     There are many things in life that others can do to us that are totally unfair and unjust. But was it fair that the spotless Lord Jesus had to die for my sin, so that I could be totally and freely forgiven, and spend all of eternity in unspeakable bliss?

     I only need to look deep into my own heart and see the sin, and think of all the countless times I've wronged my Savior and deeply hurt Him by my thoughts or actions. And then I think about Him, totally pure and sinless, leaving the blissful glories of Heaven, coming to this sorrow-filled earth, being beaten, praying in anguish in the garden, forsaken by His friends, nailed to the cross, bleeding, dying in agony alone, forsaken even by God---because MY SINS were upon Him! This is the One who asks me to forgive. Oh, then my heart is so melted, and I can pray: "Oh, Lord Jesus, yes, I'll forgive! I’m more than ready to forgive!" How could I think of doing anything else!!

2004 A Sister In Christ