Researchers at New York University have found that two per cent of people experience a terrifying attack of sleep paralysis at least once a month. They cannot move or speak for several minutes after awakening. It is a relief to know that this has now been declared a medical condition and is not just a hangover.    

Could this be linked to the vat-full of information that is currently coming from French and Italian vintners? We are being told, not for the first time, that red wine is the new health drink. A glass or two a day lowers cholesterol, reduces blood pressure, and promotes a general feeling of well-being. This is true of all alcohol… in moderation of course. Well unfortunately, it generally takes more than a glass or two to promote well-being. And by the time the being is well-promoted, the chances of becoming a sleeping paralytic have  increased significantly. The New York researchers have also revealed that one-third of the people who suffer sleep paralysis, hallucinate. This is hardly surprising; many an amorous Romeo will return home in the small hours, after a lengthy visit to his local ‘health’ shop, to discover that his woman is suffering from sleeping paralysis and hallucinations.

If she can overcome her paralysis, which is doubtful, she will see a bleary-eyed monster, stumbling round the bedroom and reeking of alcohol. Whereas in reality, he is an incredibly, handsome and romantic lover,  hell-bent on taking her to new heights of passion and ecstasy.

On the other hand, perhaps sleep paralysis isn’t caused by red wine, perhaps it’s  a kind of repetitive-strain-injury-mental-shut-down;  a kind of carpal tunnel syndrome of the nervous system. If this is the case, the University of Philadelphia may have the answer. Investigators there have found that Yoga can help relieve pain in the hands and wrists caused by repetitive movements such as typing, and er… well drinking excessively. An eight-week course of Yoga sessions left patients’ hands with a stronger grip and less pain, thereby increasing the subject’s ability to hold a glass for longer periods.

Perhaps the researchers at New York University should have investigated  sleep paralysis, using students as their subjects. It may have given them a greater opportunity to study the

condition.                                                                                                                    

The International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition, however, did use students at Leeds University… they  performed a feeding  experiment on them, which in terms of student-priority, comes quite close to sleeping.  Cereal with toast and fruit outperformed fry-ups when it came to keeping hunger at bay. Students who dined on a high-fibre breakfast felt more satisfied, for a longer period, than those who attacked platefuls of eggs and bacon.

Now call me an old cynic, but I am under the impression that the economic plight of the average student means that tea-bags are reconstituted in the micro-wave,  and each sheet of loo-paper is marked with the owners name in blue, felt-tip marker pen which,  incidentally, will probably generate more medical research. Given the choice between a bowl-full of rabbit food and the great British breakfast, any right-thinking student would pronounce that egg and bacon was unsatisfying, leaving them extremely hungry and wanting a second helping!  This would lead to heavily-laden doggy bags being dragged back to the halls of residence, where the contents would be consumed late at night and washed down with gallons of red wine. Which brings us full-circle back to the sleep paralysis thing. It’s all self-perpetuating isn’t it?

But how much has all this research cost? Why weren’t these studies combined? You’d think that the Universities would constantly be on the Internet to each other… after all they started it. These projects have come from Universities, yet each one has funded its own research. All this could have been accomplished using one University, thereby reducing costs  with the results being shared. 

For the benefit of science, the students would have willingly endured red wine instead of lager and Guinness. Their resulting sleep paralysis could have been monitored along with the females hallucinatory tendencies. Next morning, after devouring mountains of egg and bacon for breakfast…  sessions of Yoga would follow to relieve the repetitive strain injury that had been acquired by the rapid hand movement needed to lift their glasses and knives and forks.

There just isn’t enough lateral thinking going on these days.

ENDS
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