© 2001 (3380 words)
By Ian and Susan Lumley

The Brighton Gazette.

Classic Car For Sale. 1979 Mercedes 250 Automatic. A beautiful two-tone saloon in maroon and grey with Calf-skin  upholstery. Genuine mileage of 75,000. This vehicle is in incredible condition and has been loved. Luxury motoring for £3,000 ono. Forced sale, must go to good home. Telephone  -  mobile 0772 358 2669.

**

Sneaky Pete and Devious Dave shared a flat in  Purley, South London. Like twin brothers, they were happy and comfortable in each other’s company. That was all.

    Devious was slumped in the armchair, his head nodded gently on his chest. He purred like a cat, his lips vibrating under his ginger moustache. 

    Sneaky was stood in front of the mirror, pulling the three strands of hair from his left temple, across the top of his bald head in a precision comb-over. Once finished, he tugged at his waistband and pushed his corduroy trousers below his paunch. He was settling down on the settee with the Racing Post, when an electronic warbling noise pierced the silence.

‘What the….’ said Devious shaking himself awake. 

‘It’s me phone,’ said Sneaky. ‘Hello?’

‘Oh hello. I’m ringing about the Mercedes. Is it still for sale?’

‘Yes sir, it is but we’ve had a lot of interest. I’m surprised you got through. My name is Peter Johnson. May I take your name?’

‘It’s Malcolm Williams. Look I know your ad. said good condition and all that, but where are you? I can’t come a long way.’

‘Of course sir. We live in Purley. This vehicle is an excellent looker Mr Williams. The first person to see it will snap it up. Guaranteed to turn heads and take you back to the days when cars had character. And for such a viable price too.’

‘I don’t drive at the moment, I get my licence back next week, but I’d like to see it.’

‘It would be my pleasure to bring the vehicle to you. But if you want to see it here and make sure things are kosher...’

‘Well Purley isn’t that far. I could get the train’

‘Excellent. This evening convenient?’

‘Yes I suppose I can come tonight.’

‘Shall we say 7.30 p.m. We could go for a little drink. Get to know each other. I want this motor to go to a good home. I’m only selling  ‘cos I have to.’

‘I understand Mr Johnson. But the price… is it your best?’

‘Let’s talk about that when you’ve seen the motor Mr Williams. I’m sure we could come to some arrangement. Especially if the folding stuff is available.’

‘All right. I’ll bring cash.’

‘I’ll see you later then.’

‘Seemed to go down very well, as always, Sneaky my son,’ said Devious.

‘Mmm. Sounds good. The gentleman said he gets his licence back next week.’

‘Really? Now that is interesting.’

‘Yes isn’t it? I think we can go for the jackpot this time.’

  ***

 ‘Well you were right,’ said Malcolm lowering the bonnet. ‘She’s in good condition for the year.’ He pulled out a packet of tissues from his anorak pocket.

‘Oh more than that. She’s superb,’ said Sneaky. ‘It’ll break my heart to part with her.’

Malcolm blew his nose. ‘Damn cold. Mum says I should take vitamin C.’ He walked round to the rear of the car, pushed his thick, round spectacles up to the bridge of his nose and opened the boot.

‘You could rent that out,’ said Sneaky.

‘I’ve been trying Cod Liver Oil but I don’t think it’s working. It’s my Asthma as well. What are those?’ He was looking at a cardboard box full of small inflatable dolls… a girl in a union jack dress holding a microphone.’

‘Oh just a little bit of charity work… jumble sale for the local church.’

‘Really…?’

‘Er… yes. that’s Geri Halliwell when she was a spice girl. ‘Course, we’ve got to paint her hair blond and let a bit of air out now. I’ll throw half a dozen of ‘em in if you have the motor.’

‘Oh… thank you.’

Malcolm continued round the vehicle coming full circle. ‘Now just look at that leatherwork,’ said Sneaky.

‘Yeah,’ said Devious. ‘Those seats have seen some action in their time, I can tell you.’

‘Have you got a girlfriend Malcolm?’ said Sneaky.

‘Er… no not really. Mum says I should be very wary of them.’ He was now approaching the driver’s door. ‘May I?’

‘Allow me.’ Devious opened the door. ‘Oh the women love this motor you know. You’ll never go short with this car. Please… get in. Make yourself comfortable. We’ll go for a spin.’

Malcolm turned the key and the engine fired instantly.

‘She’s purring,’ said Sneaky.

‘Like a kitten,’ said Devious.

‘As sweet as the proverbial nut,’ said Sneaky.

‘Well it I suppose it does sound nice yes,’ said Malcolm.

 ‘Dave would you be kind enough to take that box of Geris and stick ‘em in the flat. You can leave half a dozen of ‘em in the boot.’ said Sneaky smiling at Malcolm.

‘My pleasure,’ said Devious.

Malcolm spent the next fifteen minutes driving round Croydon. ‘Well I have to say she handles well.’

‘Good sound system too,’ said Sneaky. ‘I’m including a selection of tapes. Shirley Bassey, Harry Belefonte and I’ll throw The Quo in as well.’

 ‘Just listen to that…Rockin’ All Over the World, wonderful stuff eh?’ said Devious.

‘Well not really my kind of stuff.’

‘Oh? What do you like then?’ said Sneaky.

‘Oh Vivaldi, Beethoven… and strangely enough -  Anastasia…’

‘I don’t much care for Indian music,’ said Devious.

‘Nah, me neither,’ said Sneaky. ‘Look time’s getting on. Just pull up a moment.’   Malcolm brought the car to a halt.

‘Do I take it that you’re interested Malcolm?’ said Sneaky.

‘Well, I’m not sure…’

 ‘These vehicles don’t come on the market very often,’ said Devious. ‘Peter really doesn’t want to sell her do you Peter?’

‘No. This is true. It will be a sad, sad loss.’

‘I bet your mum would love this motor wouldn’t she?’ said Devious.

‘Well I think so yes,’ said Malcolm wiping his nose. ‘Did I mention I’ve got Asthma as well as this cold?’

‘Oh dear,’ said Sneaky. ‘Asthma eh? Asthma… yes, right, then you’ll really appreciate the special ventilation and air conditioning system won’t you?’

‘Will I?’

‘Years ahead of its time. Constant temperature balancing and special filter thingies for all the traffic pollution and little bugs and seeds and mites and stuff, years ahead of its time, honest.’ Sneaky was fiddling with the dials and switches.

‘Wow,’ said Malcolm suddenly perking up. ‘You mean it cleans the air?’

‘Spotless,’ said Devious.

‘Like a mountain stream,’ said Sneaky.

‘Never stops,’ said Devious offering his hand. ‘Do we have a deal Malcolm?’

‘Well… not sure… it’s Mum you see.’

‘She’ll love it Malcolm. She’ll be like the Queen Mother sat in the back of this motor.’ There was a pause. Malcolm fished out another tissue. They ducked down as he blew his nose violently.

‘Look,’ said Devious. ‘How about we give you a 24 hour money back guarantee? If your mum don’t like it, you’re covered for a refund.’ Devious extended his hand again.

‘Can’t say fairer than that now can we?’ said Sneaky.

‘Yes! That would be great! Well yes, I’ll take it,’ he grasped the outstretched hand. Devious realised that the same hand had been holding a soggy tissue moments before and wiped his hand on his coat.

‘May I suggest we pull in to the Red Lion over there and do the business over a glass?’ said Dave.

‘I don’t go in pubs much. I don’t drink.’ said Malcolm.

‘Oh you’ve got to have a little tipple to close the deal. It’s tradition,’ said Sneaky.

After a moment waiting at the bar, they carried the drinks to a corner table.

‘Right Malcolm did you bring the folding stuff?’ said Sneaky.

‘Yes £3,000. Look, I’ve been out of work for a year, I had to borrow this off Mum. Is there any discount for cash?’

‘To be honest Malcolm, we had another five calls after yours. I think I’ll be able to sell her for the full price,’ said Sneaky.

‘You’ve seen yourself she’s a beautiful motor,’ said Devious.

‘And that air filtering system was so far ahead of its time,’ said Sneaky.

‘Yes. You’re right. There you are, £3,000.’

Malcolm slid a large envelope across the table and Sneaky managed to count the three bundles with his hands inside the envelope without revealing the contents.

‘Right. Here’s your keys and here’s your papers. This is breaking my heart I can tell you.’ Sneaky raised his glass. ‘A toast. To Malcolm and his Maroon, Mercedes. Oh… that’s got quite a ring to it.’

‘Cheers,’ said Devious. ‘And the ladies will be queuing up for you now my son.’

‘Cheers,’ said Malcolm following their lead and draining his glass.  He coughed and spluttered as the Scotch hit the back of his throat. ‘It’s all getting better, except this damn cold of course,’

‘Better?’ said Sneaky.

‘Yes,’ he gave a mighty sniff, hawking the mucus back into his throat. Sneaky and Devious ducked, expecting the worst but he just swallowed. ‘I get my licence back next week, after a 12 month ban.’

‘What happened?’ said Devious.

‘It was my hay fever, I was trying to blow my nose, I lost it on a bend and wrote off another car. Thank God no-one was hurt. Mum didn’t speak to me for a month.’

‘This is quite an occasion for you then,’ said Devious. ‘I think this calls for another one. I’ll go and get them in.’

‘Oh no, not for me thank you.’

‘Half a lager then, I insist.’

Malcolm played with the keys and flicked through the service book.

‘So what do you do for a living Malcolm?’ said Sneaky.

‘Computer trainer. Used to visit different firms. Lost my job with my licence. I’ve just got a job with my old firm on trial. If I do OK they’ve said they’ll take me back.’

    Devious was at the bar, tipping a double vodka into a glass of lager and pushing a twenty pound note down the barmaid’s cleavage. He picked up the drinks and brought them over.

‘There you are Malcolm.’ He plonked a glass of lager down.

‘Thank you. I can’t wait to get behind the wheel again.’

‘Yes. I can tell. And I think you’ll look after my motor too. I’m glad about that.’ said Sneaky.

‘Why are you selling?’

‘It’s me old Mum. She’s been in a nursing home for ages now. Used up her savings. Things are getting a real stretch I can tell you. This money will buy us another couple of months or so. I don’t know what we’ll do after that. She loved that car.’

‘Oh I’m so sorry… must be very difficult for you…’

‘Well I don’t like to dwell on it. Anyway…Cheers.’

 ‘Cheers.’ Malcolm took a long swig. ‘That was strong… was that strong lager?’

‘Nah…Don’t think so. Anyway just one more then we’ll have to be going… I’ll go and get them.’

‘No please…’ but Sneaky shot off to the bar.

Malcolm studied the logbook.

‘Good pedigree,’ said Devious. ‘Full service history it’s all Kosher.’

‘Yes I can see it is Dave.’

‘Here we go Malcolm,’ said Sneaky. ‘One for the road.’

‘Look, please don’t be offended,’ said Malcolm. ‘But I don’t drink and drive.’

‘No probs,’ said Sneaky. ‘I suppose we’d better go. I wonder if you’d drop us off home Malcolm?’

‘I’d love to’. Dave took the glasses back to the bar and winked at the barmaid.

‘Right,’ said Sneaky.

They pushed their way through the busy pub leaving by the front door. As they rounded the corner, they saw an attractive young woman bent down looking into the Mercedes. She had a short tight skirt and her low cut top displayed a bountiful cleavage. ‘Oh, what a gorgeous motor,’ she said.

‘Do you like it?’ said Malcolm unable to look her in the face.

‘Oh yes,’ she said. ‘You can take me for a ride anytime sweetie.’ With that, she pouted at him and wiggled off into the pub.

‘See,’ said Devious. ‘Your life’s changing already me boy.’

Malcolm flushed, his cheeks matching the colour of his nose.

‘I’ve come over all sad Malcolm. This’ll be me last ride,’ said Sneaky.

‘Look Peter… it must be terrible for you. Why don’t you come and visit sometime. It needn’t be your last ride.’

‘I’m choked Malcolm. Choked at your generosity.’

‘We could take your Mum out for a ride now and then.’

‘What? That’s wonderful. May I borrow a tissue? I’m filling up.’ Malcolm gave him a tissue, Sneaky inspected it closely before dabbing at his eyes. ‘You’re a true Gent.’

    Malcolm pulled out of the car park, on to the main road, and was soon cruising in top gear. ‘I must say she handles very well. Hang on, there’s a blue light in my mirror in the distance. Better slow up.’

‘You’re not speeding are you?’ said Devious.

‘No. No of course not. I’ll just take it easy ‘til he’s gone past. Haven’t got my insurance sorted yet have I?’

The Police car came up close behind the Mercedes and flashed its headlights rapidly.

‘Oh God! He wants you to pull over,’ said Sneaky.

‘Oh no!’ said Devious. ‘Bloody hell, you could do without this mate. They got nothing better to do these blokes.’

‘I haven’t done anything.’

‘Best do as he says.’ said Sneaky.

He brought the Mercedes to a halt and the Police car pulled up behind. The officer got out of his vehicle and approached the Mercedes.

‘Is anything wrong officer? I wasn’t speeding was I?’

‘No Sir but would you step out of the vehicle please and follow me.’

Malcolm did as he was asked, joining the Policeman at the rear of the Mercedes.

‘Your offside rear light is out Sir.’

‘Oh damn. So it is. Look, I didn’t know officer. I’ll get a bulb first thing in…’

The Policeman was standing up close.

‘Excuse me Sir. But have you been drinking?’

‘Er.. Well yes… a little bit only a little bit… but I’m not drunk.’

‘I think you had better follow me Sir. I am going to ask you to take a breath test.’

‘But I…’

‘If you wouldn’t mind Sir, would you come this way please?’

Malcolm followed the Policeman to the rear of his car.

‘There we are Sir. Will you please blow into here, using one continuous breath?’

‘I can’t officer. I’ve got Asthma, and a bad cold.’

‘If you don’t, you’ll have to come back to the station and give a urine or blood sample.’

‘Oh… God. I’ll give it a go.’ Malcolm went red in the face. His chest wheezed and rattled as he blew.

‘That’s it sir… keep going… just a bit longer, that’s fine.’

Sneaky and Devious came to join them.

‘What’s the problem officer?’ said Sneaky.

‘If you wouldn’t mind waiting a moment please Sir.’

Malcolm handed the Breatholiser back to the Policeman. ‘You can see from the red light sir that you have tested positive. You are going to have to accompany me to the station where you will be asked to give a blood or urine sample.’

‘Oh no… It can’t be… I’ll be ruined. Look I’ve hardly had anything… please officer I swear I’m not drunk.’

‘You have failed a breath test and you…’ While this was going on, Sneaky and Devious were deep in hushed conversation. Sneaky broke off and approached the Policeman. ‘Look officer,’ he said. ‘Might I have a word in private? It really is very important.’

‘It will not affect the outcome,’ said the Policeman.

‘Look, please officer,’ said Sneaky. ‘Just step over here and listen to me… please.’

The Policeman strolled a few yards away with Sneaky who began to make every possible mitigating plea. Devious moved in close to Malcolm.

‘Look,’ he whispered. ‘We may have a way out of this.’

‘Oh God yes please!’

‘Pete and me were just talking. We think we know this copper. We think he’s bent.’

‘Meaning…?’

‘Meaning if you bung him a grand… he’ll walk off into the sunset.’

‘I haven’t got a grand.’

‘We’ll call the car deal off, give you your money back.’

‘You’d do that?’

‘Yes. Some of this is down to us. Buying you drinks, and that dodgy rear light. We’ve got to help you out mate.’

‘But it could make things worse.’

‘You’re in it pretty deep aren’t you? No licence…’

‘True.’

‘And what about your insurance?’

 ‘Oh God! I forgot that. What a mess. What’s my mum going to say?’

‘It’s your choice mate.’

‘I suppose I’ll have to… But I could go to prison.’

‘Nah. Pete reckons his cousin bunged him over a speeding ticket.’

‘OK. I’ll do it,’ said Malcolm. Dave glanced across to Sneaky and gave a nod.

‘Can we all go and take a seat in the Merc.’ said Sneaky.

‘Look,’ said the Policeman. ‘You lot are wasting your time…’

‘Yes officer, but there’s something else you should know and we need to be away from prying eyes.’ They got into the Mercedes and closed the doors. Pete produced the envelope from his pocket, and handed it to Malcolm.

‘Officer,’ said Sneaky. ‘In view of the difficult job the Police do, Malcolm Williams here would like to make a donation of £1,000 to the Metropolitan Police Charity. Naturally, we do not require a receipt.’ Pete nodded at Malcolm who held out a bundle of notes. The Policeman looked at the bundle of money and stared at Malcolm’s terrified face. There was a long pause.

‘You could be charged with perverting the course of justice for this,’ said the Policeman.

‘Oh God no,’ Malcolm was nearly crying.

‘Perhaps you’re right Officer,’ said Pete. ‘Maybe Mr Williams was being a little stingy.’

He nodded at Malcolm mouthing ‘more.’ Malcolm added a second bundle of notes. Again, the Policeman stared at Malcolm, unflinching. ‘You could get sent down for 4 years… plus of course the driving offence.’ Malcolm was now trembling. Sneaky looked at Malcolm and nodded at the final bundle of notes. Malcolm slowly placed it with the other two… holding out the £3,000 open mouthed.

The Policeman looked Malcolm square in the eyes, gathered up the money and pushed it inside his tunic.

‘Thank you sir. Your generosity is noted. Now, will you get that rear light fixed as soon as possible.’

‘Yes officer,’ said Malcolm his voice thin with stress.

‘Good evening gentlemen.’ The Policeman left. There was a stony silence in the car until he was out of earshot.

‘Bloody Hell,’ said Devious. ‘The greedy swine… £3,000 sheesh! Bloody hell… sorry mate.’

‘I think I’ve peed in my pants,’ said Malcolm.

‘I am so sorry !’ said Sneaky.

‘No. The main thing is I’ll still get my licence. I can soon pull the money back when I’m back in work… they pay well honest.’

‘What a bomber! Right,’ said Pete. ‘Let’s get away from here before he comes back. I’ll drive. South Croydon station all right? You heading back to Brighton?’

‘Yes. Listen, I am so grateful, I would have been ruined, wrecked.’

‘No problem. Live to fight another day eh?’ said Sneaky.

‘Absolutely. God I’m shaking inside. Thanks again.’

They dropped Malcolm off at South Croydon station, shouted their goodbyes like old friends and headed back to the flat.

The Mercedes purred sweetly. ‘Think he’ll be there yet?’ said Sneaky looking at his watch.

‘Should be my son,’ said Devious.

Shortly, they were pulling up outside their flat.

‘He’s there look, the light’s on. Hunky-dory ticketyboo! Great! A grand each Not bad for a couple of hours work.’

‘Not bad at all my son,’ said Devious.

‘I hope he’s got that uniform back to his brother-in-law. It was a bit too close last time.’

‘Yeah. We don’t want him frightening the neighbours again.’

‘I’ll go and put the old girl in the garage,’ said Sneaky patting the top of the dashboard. ‘You go and pour the Scotch.’

‘With pleasure my son. I think we should try the Margate Chronicle next.’

*****
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