MANNERS: USE WITH CAUTION
By: Stephen Sachs
This rant is coming from a night out where all I heard was how ill mannered I am. You see, it turns out that last week, I attended this party for my sister's upcoming marriage, and I did not say "hello" to one person. Then, later on, when my ride was leaving, I left without saying "good-bye" to that same person. However, that person was late showing up to the party, hosted by his parents, and did not say "hello" to me at any point when he could easily have, instead he talked with family, making it seem as if I was unimportant. Why I am so upset about this is, people take manners far too seriously. That is not to say we should act barbarous, but to be as sensitive as this person was is not only common, but also commonplace. Furthermore, those accused are done so without proper cause for those that are usually slighted by bad manners are more often guilty of their own bad manners than the accused party.
The facts of the case are as follows. I am not particularly liked in this group, they do not talk with me about anything at all, and when I do speak with them, nothing I say is remembered. Moreover, it is my sister who is marrying into this family, who is of a different culture than myself, and feels free to converse in a native tongue in front of me. I am not bothered by the "other" culture fact, what does bother me is the way that I am held under a microscope and less than respected. In turn a nasty situation develops where I have no enthusiasm to go to any functions or act civil because of the disrespect I feel is made towards me.
What does all this have to do with me you ask? Well, we are all involved in a society where very small customs and manners are how one is defined. If someone is profane in a setting with adults, they are uncouth. If someone holds their fork wrong while dining in a nice establishment, or worse, does not eat (or drink) soup with their spoon spooning away and the bowl pointed away from the person, they were not taught proper manners. When you are invited to a house, you normally would say "hello" and "good-bye," especially if you are dining there. When receiving anything, you always say "thank you," and when you are asking for anything, you say "please." We all know all this, the rules are pretty clear. When it all becomes obscure is when some rules are used by one side and not the other.
A saying goes "good manners are never in bad taste." However, there is only so far such sayings can justify disrespect. When someone tells you about themselves, or even their name, especially when they are the brother of a future bride for whom you throw such parties, you should at least know his name. When someone does not like you, it is fine, they do not need to speak with you. In return, if you want to display such actions, then reciprocity rules, and the person who you do not want to speak with is not required to speak with you. And finally, if you are to get so offended by a person's act as a slight against you, perhaps you should look at your own actions before doing so. Many times, a person is not as mannered as you might wish because there is no reason to be. A person might feel they are treated disrespectfully by others, and in that instance, and you show disrespect, then you should expect the same in return.
I am not advocating that manners be abolished. I think they are needed so we can act with some form of civility. They were adopted so aristocrats could distinguish themselves from the masses. Sure they are elitist. Their place is with proper speech; colloquial tongue should only be used in informal areas. However, all that being said, you have to remember that manners are simply a construct, something built to allow for interaction. They are something that defines you, something you must display, a form of first impression. It is all so subtle though. I am sure we all know that feeling when you sit there and someone violates an unsaid rule. You sit and almost blush for that person because they do not understand. Therefore manners will never leave us.
People that define themselves on manners too must remember that if they are to hold someone up to great standards based on their manners, they must act that way too. Manners are not something you can just pick and choose whenever they are necessary. If you want to act formal, then all acts must be formal. You must remember protocol as much as you demand it from others. I have been in many situations where people of "proper" backgrounds expect you to act with great respect for their position. However they do not show you the same respect, they do not inspire respect. Therein lies where manners should be re-taught. Manners are not to be superficial. They should be rooted in a respect and true belief in what you are displaying. To all those who are well mannered but do not have the underlying ability to respect those who you are interacting with, on all levels, you deserve to be called the hypocrites you are. And if you are not treated with great respect in return by some of your guests, by some of your associates, or some of your fellow humans, well, I say you should look into the mirror. Your manners truly reflect the type of person you are, and for those so concerned with outward appearances, you will do well to remember that any form of construct leaves open you to not only criticism but an easy way for someone to see who you truly are.
