Chapter 1

For such a sad event, it was a beautiful day. The irony in that situation was almost sickening. It was a cool Autumn day with a huge sun shining in the sky, a light breeze blowing steadily around everyone, and the birds… chirping, singing birds… a gun would have come in handy then.

Brian didn’t take his eyes off of the ground as the preacher spoke the sorrowful words of death, love, and being in God’s hands. He heard people sniffing around him, tears falling from many people’s eyes. Brian didn’t cry. He was out of tears, numb to any and all emotions, becoming more convinced by the second that he should be the one in that wooden box and not her. She shouldn’t be gone… these people shouldn’t be suffering, Brian shouldn’t have been sitting there with eyes of stone and a broken heart over something that was his fault.

No matter what anyone told him, he believed, he knew that this was his fault. He could have been more careful, he could have done something to help her. But no… she laid in that hospital and died hooked up to machines that were designed to save lives, but apparently they weren’t good enough. Brian believed that his faith was strong enough to help her pull through, that their love was powerful enough to make her want to stay, but again he was wrong.

Brian lifted his eyes from the ground for a quick moment, absent-mindedly scanning his surroundings. Kevin was on his right side with one leg crossed over the other, his hands folding in his lap. When Brian saw Kevin’s eyes look at him he quickly looked away, not wanting to be seen. He then shifted his gaze to the left, where his best friend sat. Nick was fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve, with on leg shaking out of habit. He leaned his head down a little bit and had to brush the blond locks out of his face back behind his ear. Nick’s hand seemed to go in slow motion as Brian watched him fix his hair, and he started to spin a little as he put his hand back down. Brian only looked straight ahead for a second, not wanting to see the casket that was sitting before him almost ready to be put in the ground. Having no where else to turn, he went back to staring at the ground.

Before Brian knew it, the funeral was over and people were walking up and placing their flowers onto the casket before it would be lowered into the ground. Kevin put a hand on his shoulder, making Brian jump.

“You going up there?” Kevin asked.

“Just give me a minute, you guys go on ahead.”

Nick pulled Brian into a hug before following the others. Brian wanted to hold on and not let go, but he knew he had to. “I’ll see you back at the house.” Nick nodded then walked up behind Kevin, AJ, and Howie, waiting his turn to show his last respects.

Brian stayed in his chair until everyone was on their way to their cars. He stood up slowly, and took even slower steps forward. His hands started shaking as they held onto the rose. For a moment he stopped and admired all of the other flowers, swallowing the lump that was forming in his throat and trying to stop his stomach from tying in knots. He gently placed his rose on top, careful not to move any of the others.

“Elizabeth, I…” he started. “I’m sorry for hurting you like this, and I’m sorry for hurting your family by taking you away from them. I wish I were the one in there and not you. I’ll never forgive myself for this, no matter how many times I’m told it’s not my fault, deep down I’ll know that it was. I promised to take care of you but I failed… I did the opposite and hurt you. I know that saying sorry doesn’t make everything better, but I just want you to know how truly sorry I really am. I love you Liz…” his voice trailed off and his eyes started to water, but it wasn’t enough to fall. He kissed his fingertips and touched them to the casket before slowly walking away.