9/18/01

In this dream it seemed I had found you at a Native American function, and it seemed as though we were together.  We were romping and playing and having fun.  I remember you telling me that at 10 o’clock you had to go participate in some sort of outside dance.  I got a visual picture that it was something you were going to do with a group and that it was going to be done outside upon the grass.  I also saw trees nearby in my vision when you told me this.

After this you became sexual and made love to me.  I found it exciting and yet I did not reach a climax.  You seemed to be puzzled by this, but then it was time for you to go.  You were leaving and I knew this was my one chance to ask your name.  So I asked, “What’s your name?”  You turned and said something I could not completely understand, so I asked you to please spell it.  You spelled, “Rexsis… and then the last letters I was not able to understand, like “ter” or “tar.”  It reminded me of “Rex’s sister.”  Then you were gone.

For some reason, I went to look for you in the big tent.  But as soon as I got there I knew I was looking for you in the wrong place.  Nothing matched the visual you had given me of seemingly the four trees surrounding the place where you were to perform the ceremony. 

I glanced outside an opening in the tent and seen a group of Native American men doing a ceremony out there and went out to search for you.  This was when I woke up and promptly wrote the name you had given me.

9/20/01

Last night, as I prepared to go to sleep, I anointed my forehead, my heart and my tummy with my Rescue Remedy.  Then I decided that I would also anoint my throat.  This is the dream that came to me as I woke up this morning:

I used to have these silk butterflies.  They were kind of cool because they were puffy and yet they were silky.  In my dream I saw myself putting one of these silk butterflies into my mouth.  Shortly after that I opened my mouth and out flew two butterflies.  They were striking in appearance, black and white woven into an artistic pattern with the bottom of the wings having orange mixed in.

I watched the butterflies in fascination.  They seem to be mated ones for while they were not completely alike they shared in their colors.  I could not believe they had flown out of my mouth.

As I watched them fluttering around, I heard a voice say, "Nuzzle your inheritance."

I looked up nuzzle and this is what it says:

1)                        Move or arrange oneself in a comfortable and cozy position

2)                        Rub noses

3)                        Cuddle, draw close, nestle, snuggle

4)                        Type of: caress, cling to, clutch, hold tight, hold close

9/21/01

From time to time my Guardians come and show me what is going to be (what I would call) the next phase in my life.  Usually I have the feeling that I am being told that this is what is going to happen next so that I can achieve my highest growth.  (At least I had that feeling during the last dream of this magnitude, just before I got my stalker and then John came along.) 

I’m not completely certain this dream had the same message as the last.  This dream seemed to have to do with the restructuring of my life that was about to take place.

I was dreaming I was at work but everything had been sold and I was helping some very important business men with the changes that were taking place, even though it did not seem I had a say in what was happening.  I was merely there to assist one very important man. 

This man and I clicked very well.  I seemed to be able to anticipate his needs before he was ready to apply them.  We kept taking my car and running to do things that had to do with the restructuring.  Then we’d go back to the place where I now work and do some more things.

On the last trip there, I overheard a part of the executives’ decisions.  They were discussing how certain businesses would no longer be there.  However, they were still in place and they did not know at this time that they would no longer be there once the restructuring had taken place.

With this I headed up to the second floor.  It seemed there was some reason I felt a need to go up there.  This is where I woke up in a second dream.

In this dream I was sitting on the porch of my best beloved Grandmother’s house. (The one who gave me my Indian heritage)  I had fallen asleep on the porch, sitting in a chair with my head resting on the railing.  There was a plant sitting next to me so it seemed I was somewhat hidden from view.

When I woke up, I raised my head and realized that there were a lot of people on the porch with me.  They seemed to know me and thought nothing about the fact that I had fallen asleep on the porch.  It seemed I had been asleep all night and I was amazed that I had fallen asleep in that position.

I thought, “Whew, I just woke up and the first thing I need to do is walk with my bare feet upon the Earth.”  (I had this slight feeling wondering if anyone would think it odd that I should feel a need to do this.)  But no one seemed to notice or mind as I walked through my beloved Grandmothers yard checking to see which flowers had survived through the years that it had been since I had been here.

By the time I got down to the southwest corner of the front yard I had been joined by a little girl.  I felt very connected to her (as if she was my inner child and she had followed me off the porch and was looking through the flower beds with me.)

We had just arrived at the southwest corner when I felt something coming out of the woods.  I turned to see what it was and it was a young bull.  It was running towards us and I wasn’t certain if I should be frightened or not.  A part of me was thinking that you are not supposed to mess with bulls so I hollered up to the porch for instructions.  It seemed I was being told that this had the potential for being a dangerous situation.

By this time I was standing on the opposite side of the bush thinking it was of little protection for my inner child and I.  So we got behind a tree.  We kind of moved like this from plant to plant until we were back up on the porch.

I asked for a phone so I could call downstairs (where the business men were) and get instructions on what to do.  The man talked to me for a little bit, getting a description of my dilemma, then he put a woman on the phone.  I explained to her what my dilemma was, then she said she would send me a book of instructions.

In the book it said something about the rage of the bull and how nowadays the bulls had been genetically altered so that when ever they were about to go into a rage, I would be able to tell because their teeth would begin to turn blue.

It also said that once their teeth had begun to turn blue there was nothing I could do to stop a raging bull.  I was thinking that it was saying to watch for this sign and move away from the situation at the first sign of the teeth turning blue.  I was also being given a visual of what this would look like and how it was that once the teeth began to turn blue, there was nothing I could do to stop it.  (Even though I was trying to calm the raging bull by talking to it and touching it with tender hands.  The teeth just kept getting bluer.) (And the bull seemed to have the appearance of being an inner child, like mine, yet not mine for there was nothing I could do to calm it.)

With this I woke up.  Of course as I have taken the time to type this up, I have had some time to think about its meaning in my life.  I’m wondering if the fact that I found myself at my best beloved Grandmothers’ house could be telling me that you will be coming into my life and that as I rejoin the Indian way, in my innocence I will attempt to retouch that which is now a sore, tender part of the Native American life.

I feel so connected to Nature that I have had little visions in which I wanted to honor a new part of Nature that I was seeing for the first time, but when I went to touch it, to honor it, I felt you saying I should not do so.  As I pondered this vision, a movie came on TV that explained how that some places were considered sacred because of the massacre’s that had taken place years earlier against the Indians by the white man.

It is for reasons like this that I wonder if I was being shown that the teeth on the raging bull would begin to turn blue (sometimes referred to as sadness) and that once this happened there would be no stopping it.

I hope this dream was showing me that you and I are about to come back together, that soon I will be walking with you in your world (the world I feel I came from, and to which I belong).  I hope my dreams and the movies I have seen have helped prepare me for the sacredness of the pain that I must not, even in innocence, trample lightly upon.

09-22-2001

As I think of all the words I have said to you in these books, I wonder just how it is you feel about me now.  I’ve been trusting Kathy’s vision that you were the one who would touch me from the inside out and so it would be okay if I shared with you my deepest most innermost thoughts.

This is the me I have kept hidden from the world.  There is no other person on this Earth who knows this is how I see life.  There is no one else who knows just how it is that I must always find my structure within Nature, or that the reason I do things like I do them is because I strive in my spirit to be One With Nature.

No one knows how real my dreams are to me, or how long I have been recording them as I have been following them.  My dreams tell me what is going to happen in my future.  They guide me through this life, letting me know when danger is around the corner.  They also let me know when good things are coming my way.  But no one has ever been so curious about who I am that they have tried to find out who I am on the inside.

What I’ve written to you are the secrets to the rules by which I live my life.  Yet when people look at me and talk to me, they mainly know I am an honorable person who can be trusted.  They see I have a great zest for life.  That I love the sound of my own laughter, and that my laughter can bring soothing energies to their hearts.  I am frequently recognized as one who brings healing energies to all the people she touches.  And as such, I am loved by many.

Yet on the inside I have never had a human being walk beside me understanding and sharing in my beliefs.  My Guardians aren’t human.  I believe they would be known as the Gods who created me.  They had this special energy they wanted to enhance.  To me, it feels like Love made Manifest, like I was created especially to. . well I always see it as the mixing of ‘chemicals’ together to form the perfect blend of Love made Manifest.

And everything that has happened in my life was the blending of these ‘so called’ chemicals, even though it sometimes would have appeared that love was not being enhanced in me, yet somehow in breaking down the components of my love, in the end I would be the pure energy essence of Love made Manifest.

It is to my great honor that They should let me know that this would happen with one so rich in Native American blood.  It’s hard for me to even conceive that there is a love out there especially designed for a girl like me.

I guess what I’m trying to say, my dear, is the road back to you was a long one.

I guess I’m saying there’s not been one (human) that I could confide in.  And maybe sometimes that has left me feeling lonely.  And maybe it’s just that a cold front has moved in and the temperature has dropped down to a chilly 59°.  And I’m feeling cold and alone.

9/24/01

In all of life I find there are signs and symbols to mark the passage of one stage to another.  In the Autumn, there is always a moment when the temperature drops and that signals changes within Nature that it is time to withdraw and enter into a time of rest and renewal.  When you see the geese going south they are marking a change in temperature that is about to come.

In the Spring, the first flies mark the coming of a time of warmth. Little buds appear on the trees and you know that a change is on its way and nothing can stop it.

I don’t know if I can say this how I want to say it.  I was at work last night, thinking about all the signs that we are given when change is about to come our way when these little asterisks * sort of popped into my head.  I suddenly remembered that it was at the same time that I started working at Osborn that Kathy had received her vision of you and Judy had received her dream of you.   As a matter of fact it was all in the same month, August of 1993.

Even though it took me all this time to really understand a need to seek you, the knowledge of Kathy’s vision and Judy’s confirmation dream forever changed the course of where my life would go.  I never forgot what I had been told about what was to come in my future, or how it was that it would take me seeking you before you would come.

Now I stand here 8 years later, and on August 31, 2001 I was handed a piece of paper that said on October 31, 2001 my job at Osborn would be no more.  All of a sudden I saw this as a sign of the changes to come.  I’m hoping that I have proved myself worthy of your love in this last 8 years and that now is the moment when I shall witness the fulfillment of Kathy’s vision.

I’ve thought that when I came into this life I came here for a very specific mission.  I’ve thought that as I stood at the doorway to the entrance to this life that my Guardians explained to me just how it was that I would have to face certain moments that I wouldn’t understand at the time, but that in the end it would be my reaction to these ‘trials’ that would allow my growth to achieve higher levels of love. . I can’t say it right.  How can I say that I believe I was sent here to test the endurances of love in order to have love strengthened within me?

I know that this life of mine was a part of a bigger plan.  And even my inability to find love between myself and another man fit this bigger plan.  I can’t explain it, I just know it.  Just like I know that there is a reason why They gave that vision to Kathy and that dream to Judy.

I know that before I came into this life that you and I stood together at the gates to this world and agreed to this path, knowing that even though the path would be a long one back to each other, that we would once again be together in our love.

I feel like it’s been such a long path back to you my love.  I feel like I’m not saying this with all the grace I want to express this with.  I saw this show on TV about a Native American healer.   They said that when she was a certain age she had to undergo this initiation by traveling down a river all by herself.   Can you understand that this is how my life has felt, that I have had no human companion to walk beside me. . I just don’t know how to say it. .  I have been privileged beyond belief with my Guardians guidance and Natures protection of me, and my dreams to help show me the way.  But everywhere I look in Nature I see male and female mated.  So I know that it is to this feeling that I must return. .

unday, May 30, 2004

I debated on whether I should put this in here or not.  But to tell you the truth, years from now when you find this journal I would like you to be able to have a clear picture of who I was and the happenings that formed my life path.

I don't actually usually return his phone calls.  The closer I let him into my life the greater my affection for him grows and it feels much too complicated.  I am 18 years older than he is and we both find we are most comfortable when we are alone with each other.  When there is no one else around to think what they may find critical of what we are doing together we just be who we are, friends who share many interest.  I don't mind how I feel.  And I don't mind so much hearing what other people may think.  But I know that my Talisman can also hear what others are thinking and he really cannot handle it when someone (especially friends and family) thinks him and I in a union would be too wrong.  And of course when he is feeling this discomfort I can feel it real strong in him.