| October 4, 2000
Dear Papa,
It's Jian's birthday today. Of course,
you know that,
and I'm sure you had been watching her since day 1 and had been smiling
at her antics and laughing along with us while we were having fun.
I wouldn't be surprised if whenever we saw Jian smiling to herself, or
talking to her imaginary friend during playtime, it was actually you that
she was smiling or talking to.
I remember the little games you played with
Jenny and Katrina.
"I remember. . ."
There are times when I look at my own daughter
and regret the fact that she will not be able to say that about you.
She cannot say, "Remember when Papa made up this short skit with Katrina?"
Nor could she say, "I remember how Papa's clothes
smelled like. They smelled like flowers!"
She will never remember you sitting at the
head of the table, that the first thing you did upon entering the house
was go to the toilet, that you always cut your nails on a Monday.
Nor will she remember the sound of your voice, the words that you said,
the courage that you had.
Jian just wasn't there when you were.
Your paths never crossed in this world.
But, I, who do remember, am here with her,
and she will KNOW you.
She will know about the skit with Katrina,
how your clothes smelled, that you sat at the head of the table just like
I do now. She will laugh when she hears that you always go to the
toilet upon entering the house, be amazed that you only cut your nails
on a Monday. She will know, through me, what you told me, how your
voice sounded, and the courage you had when you fought your last earthly
battle.
Jian WILL know you, Papa, and she will love
you as much as I love you. I will always be there for her just as
you were. I will bring her up as best as I could, just like you did.
Through me, you will be very much alive for her because I'll always remember
you.
In the meantime, enjoy watching Jian grow up.
I feel better knowing that even if my back is turned, someone, meaning
you, is watching her.
Thanks for everything.
Much love,
Jimmy
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