01/09/01 - 10:05pm

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort..suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck if i cut my arm bleeding

This is Jerry's documented continual descent into madness.  A journey predicated by bad choices, fate and a belief in a lone belief in predestined fate.  My choices have put me where I am, my choices will take me only so far out of the hole, the rest is in the hands of one, the path of fate, followed together.  The only mystery being whether it is in darkness..or light. As 

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

She is my guide out, my savior, my respite from my self-induced hell.  I vowed to never give up, a promise to myself, a promise to her.  A promise to love her forever, the easiest thing my life to do.  But she says she does, she can't, she won't..ever, the punishment for my mistakes, she can forgive others, but not me.  She can love others completely, but not me, because she thinks she knows me, she's afraid of what I was, a fear that I built around her.  A fear that my other side, my darker side, the unreal me, built up.  And now, reality sets in, the other side of me has escaped into the night, leaving my tortured soul to pick up the pieces.

I never realized I was spread too thin till it was too late and I was empty within
Downward spiral where do I begin?

My journey, for now, descends, into the darkness of my true soul, into my self created prison.  Of which only she holds the key, but may never unlock.  She wants to be friends, which we will always be.  We have created a bond which undescribable in words, and unexpressable in emotion.  I live for her, my life is hers, my happiness, my desire, my happiness, my sorrow, my complete soul, hers and only hers, for always.  It is a choice I have made, and a choice I will contently live by.  Whether or not she comes with me determines whether it is a bright forever journey, or a long, desolate dark one.  Do I blame her if she doesn't, of course not.  Fate has brought another into her vision, one who gives her happiness, but nothing close to what ours is, and can be.  I know this, I believe this, and I live this.  Every breath, every moment, every sunlight, everything, for her.  Some may call me obsessive, crazy, say "Just get over it, move on, like she has" and to those who I don't need to justify or respond to, I quote her own words, her wish for my happiness, and her statement that I should never settle for anything less than the love I deserve.  I know what I deserve, my eyes were opened to it by her.  The sound of her voice, the feel of her touch, the echo and rhythm of her heartbeat against mine.  Eases my soul and mind, even when she says I drive her to the brink of madness and frustration.  I do not want pain for her, I want her happiness, she doesn't believe I can give it to her, but I know I can.  She believes she has found it, but I know it can be better, together, I see it, I feel it..I know it. I believe that she is happy now, and that makes me happy, I can respect her happiness, but cannot respect the fact that its not the happiness she deserves, not completely, her eyes and soul are blinded by the love I have, covered by the scarves of my ignorance and blindness.  Soon to be unwrapped, in my dreams for now, in reality..hopefully soon

So now, as my body recovers from illness (an ill-timed bout of what I now know was food poisioning), and as await another touch of her voice to my soul, I live in my isolation, sad about the way things are, but happy about the way they can be.  I cry myself to sleep, to wash the pain away, I awake and go through the motions, pretending that they mean something, but without her, nothing does, or ever will.  I love her, my journey, continues..

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine, nothing’s alright, nothing is fine, I’m running and I’m crying

Lyrics courtesy of Last Resort - Papa Roach, 2000

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