01/10/01 - 10:05pm

I woke up and called this morning, the tone of your voice was a warning that you don't care for me anymore.

Some clarification may be necessary, after my last rant, and some self observation of the words that poured out of my head and into your ears.  First, and foremost, I take back nothing of what I said.  I do love her, and only her, and always will.  Also, I will never give up in the belief that we can have a forever together.  That being said, I don't want to come off as some melodramatic literate nutball who speaks only in cliche's.   

I have faith, some may call it blind, ignorant faith, but I do have faith in my passion and knowledge that I've found what I never knew I always wanted.  My life has been a series of mistakes, tied together by the long painful learning periods in between.  I blame not the events of my past, nor my actions in the future, for my current predicament, for I alone am responsible for every second that passes, and every event that occurs.  Fate lays the groundwork, I still walk where I choose.  My choices, are not always the wisest, as shown by the status of my relationship with my angel.  I made mistakes,  I never denied those.  Are they unforgivable? Forgiveness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and the affected.  As a result, I have two paths to choose from, both will involve her as a part of them (my life would not be, if she wasn't)  Will she be the main character, as my heart wants, or will she be a supporting role, as she believes is right.  The second path would leave her a trophy, an albatross to my ignorance and fear of who I am.  

Did you know when you go it*s the perfect ending, to the bad day I was just beginning. When you go, all I know is you're my favorite mistake.

Will my life go on, of course it will.  Even in my empassioned, so called blindness, I realize that life is too valuable and special to give up on.  What can replace the smile of a child, the feel of fresh snow around your feet and the knowledge of the warmth awaiting out of the cold, the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, etc.  Life has its jewels that aren't worth sacrificing at any price.  But will it be as special and perfect as it could be, without her, of course not.  It's not even imaginable.  It will be a life of loneliness, of isolation, but of the knowledge that what I had was in my fingers, and I blew it.  This decision is not by her choice, or mine, but the predestined paths that I've spoken, and that my loving cousin has renewed my faith in.  The faith in the higher power, and his/her control over life, if you just allow them to control it.  I have found that faith, I have spoken, he/she has listened, and its out of my hands.  All I do is smile, and follow, and hope and pray that all works out the way I desire.  Regardless of where it goes, it will be driven by that passion that lives inside each of us. I have enough for her, and I, I leaned on her for so long and took her for granted, my greatest mistake that I may live in solitude for the rest of my life as a result of.   The darkness gets deeper..is the light out there? I believe it is, she holds the brightest, loneliness holds the other.  My hands are tied, by choice, and by faith.  My descent, for now, continues, will I too arise.  Only time, and belief, will tell.  

Well maybe nothing lasts forever, even when you stay together. I don't need forever after, but it*s your laughter won't let me go so I'm holding on this way.

Did you know could you tell you were the only one that I ever loved? Now everything's so wrong. Did you see me walking by, did it ever make you cry? Now you're my favorite mistake

To whom do I write this? Anyone who listens..are you? I know Alicia is..she always has.  Who is she? Time will unveil that too, a bond that almost 34 years can never break.  She holds my hand in this darkness, she whispers to me that it will be alright..she always has.  My mom, my Kat, my Alicia..all I need and want in life.  Am I rambling? Are you listening? Does anyone care? My journey, my descent towards a hopeful ascent goes on with each passing second of precious life.

Lyrics courtesy of My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow, 1998

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