01/11/01 - 10:20am

There is a blindness created in the human soul.  It is created by emotion, by disillusionment, by fear and failure to grow up, see the past, be the future and deal with reality.  This blindness can have a domino effect on life around you.  The longer you live in a self-created fantasy world, convincing yourself that it's real, the more disconnected you become with reality, and the farther away you push those who truly may care about and love you.  Life is hard, but you have to deal it.  It takes responsibility, honesty, respect and admitting that some things just are.  For most of my life, I have spent too much time pointing fingers, living in dream worlds, blaming others, and just surviving, rather than actually striving to do and be something.  I've pushed away people who care about me, because either I wanted more, or I wanted something else, I couldn't see what I had, and figured there had to be something better.

There never was, there never will be, unless I do something about who I am

My rants of the past couple of days have been emotion filled pleas and dreams of a future that will never exist.  I have lived in a dream world, in the past, clinging onto something that was, and is gone and will never be, and disrespecting the best friend I've ever had.  I'm not sure any words I say here can even begin to make up for what I've done to her, and how I've hurt such a beautiful soul.  She doesn't deserve it.  So please, take the previous two entries with a grain of salt, know that they were the rant of an immature soul who has been wearing the blinders of life for so long, that he convinced himself there was no other life beyond what was imagined in my mind.

Kat, I do wish you and Geoff, or whomever is blessed enough to have you as a part of their forever, the best, and most wonderful that life has to offer. I have been a fool, again, and don't know what the repurcussions will be, but I do know that I don't want to lose my best friend, my movie friend, my rambling friend, my good, close, confidant who knows more about me than anyone, and with whom I've shared some wonderful memories, and would love to share a lifetime more, watching her live, love and be happy.

To those out there, respect the one you love, be honest, talk to them, love them, be open with them and don't be afraid of them.  Odds are, they are a little afraid too.  Life is scary, alone, or with someone else, but if you never take the chance to overcome the fears and continue to cower and accept what you're handed, then you'll never get anywhere, and never be true to yourself, or truly happy.  That's all I have for now

I'm sorry angel..I know words, and talk are cheap right now.  But I am.

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