01/12/01 - 12:45am

Fate is a fickle mistress

Paybacks are a bitch

Dear Alicia

My blood, my confidant, my first, and long overdue entry to you.  For that, my apologies will come much late, for now, other matters cloud my mind

The two quotes above are rather fitting in the midst of the course that my day has taken, and the way that my life has changed tonight.  I've had awakenings, eye openings, and such before, but never have the hands of fate not just touched, but reached down and kidney punched me, like they did today, and I deserved every ounce of it.

As in my entry this morning, I erred greatly, and may have hurt a beautiful person and lost my best friend in the process.  And duly, mother nature took notice, and took it out on me today.  

It started early, as I left for work, with little time to spare, this morning, my mind, elsewhere, clouded in sadness, anger and frustration at myself.   I walked outside, and in the matter of less than a minute, realized it had rained, wandered across the grass, wondered if it would be slick..and subsequently ended up flat on my back.  I stood up, left side covered in mud, my left hip aching (with a nice lil bruise now) and my right (writing) wrist cut, bruised, and bleeding a little.  Nice start.  So 20 minutes, new pants, and a quick cleanup later, I was back on the road (using the sidewalk, avoiding the grass this time) and off, late, to work.

Saying that work was grumpy would be a moot understatement, she said that I am in a job I dont like, which is true, but do little to get out of it, which is also true.  Why? Security? Fear of change? Laziness? Probably a nice combination of both, with the last playing a major part.  Everyday I go in, I complain, I bitch, and yet I do little to progress out of it.  I am to blame for my own position in life, no fate, nobody, just me.  But the people today, were cranky, and while that never really depresses my mood, it doesnt really lift it up.  I just have little tolerance for stupidity.  But hey, it was payday, so it couldnt be all bad..so i thought

It turns out, that was off too, a calculation error that resulted in about $150 less in my check than should have been.  Not a major deal, because I had comfort room to deal with, but just another cog in things today, and another frustration that I didnt really need.

Finally, the night was over, my head was throbbing mildly, so I came home, dropped off a movie, and then came back and let my mind go free into the darkness, relaxing, having dinner, but still..one thing, the biggest thing, was still wrong.

The worst thing about today, and my days forward.  I miss my best friend. I miss the person in my life who knows me best, who knows the most about me, whom I not afraid to share with, be with, whom I've loved with, laughed with, cried with, smiled with, enjoyed the best of times with.

I want to be there with her, when she finds that happiness that she deserves, I want to bathe in the glow of her smile, even though I'm not the one giving it to her.  She deserves so much, and me, in my stubborn ignorance, could not see that she just wanted me to be happy, and to respect hers.  I  miss my best friend, and wherever she is, if she sees this, Kat, I do love you, I care about you, I miss you, and I'm ready, willing and want to be your friend, now, only, and always

I know that I have pushed, more than I should have, I know that I have said things (which I meant), but then contradicted them with actions that lived in my clouded sense of reality.  I'm not going to make any excuses for what I did, part of growing up is taking responsibility for actions, and my actions, while wrong, childish, and immature, were mine.  We have shared so much, been through so much, and have changed each others lives (well, at least I know you have changed mine) in ways I never imagined.  I miss you, I miss the good times that we shared together, those "quiet moments" that you pushed for, and wanted more of, I realize now, how relaxed, comfortable, magical, relaxing, and perfect, those truly were.  My visions were clouded with a future that never could be.  My stubborn ignorance failed to see that you were, the one thing that I'd always wanted you to be.  Happy, content, in love, smiling, full of life, love and energy.  I was jealous, that I could not be the one to give it to you.  In my mind, I told myself I could be, I wanted to be, but the more I did that, the more I failed to respect who you were, what you'd become, and that this was what you wanted, and deserved.  

I was wrong, I was stupid, words may be empty upon your ears now, as you've heard so many from me before.  But they are all I have at this moment, shrouded in my deserved silence, trying not to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but rather realizing that in trying to get the one thing I thought I could give you, I took away from myself, the thing that meant the most.  Your friendship, your companionship, your caring, loving heart, and the best friend that anyone could ever have. 

In this day, one of those that may have been best spent in bed hiding under the covers, I got up, faced the world for another day, and hopefully learned lessons that will take me down a new path.  A path to who I am, who I want to be, who I can be.  And a path that has my best friend, my dearest Katarina, and whomever is the lucky beneficiary of her love (probably Geoff, since he does bring he so much happiness, for which I am both envious, and thankful for, since anything that elicits that magical warming smile has to be that good!) 

I miss you, and I do feel that our friendship is worth having, worth saving, worth salvaging, and worth working on.  It will take time, and I am ready to invest that.  I am here, I always be.  And I want to be your friend, for now, and for always.  I understand your hesitancy to believe, and will respect your time, your space, and your wishes regarding, just know that I'm sorry, and I'd like to try.

Alicia, I wish you could have met her, I think you too would have gotten along quite well.  As you are my angel watching over me, she is an angel on earth, I say this not to kiss up, or score points, in her eyes, but just because it has taken me way too long to realize that the best things in life can be staring you right in the face, while you're busy looking elsewhere.  

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