01/14/01 - 5:20pm

Dear Alicia

There is so much beauty in the world, sometimes we look so hard for it, that we can miss it right in front of our faces.  Right now, there is a rainstorm, gently kissing the ground, caressing the skin as it falls.  It's one of nature's purest beauties, yet rarely is it recognized because take it for granted and do not appreciate it, until it's gone and all thats left are its remnants.  You never got to see me, at least I don't think so, unless you're observing from afar, but I am an ugly person. I dont mean in the aesthetic external appearance sense, which I really have no opinion on one way or another (I don't feel I am all that, or unattractive, just kinda here) But I'm talking about on the inside, where it counts.  I'm sure you were (and still are) a beautiful, kind and caring soul, but if you look inside me, you will see some very ugly things, none of which I am proud of, but all of which I am responsible for.  You see, someone way before both of our times said that beauty is skin deep, since then, the addendum and joke of  ugliness is to the bone has been added.  Well, emotional self-disfigurement goes to the core, and throughout the entire soul of the person it inhabits.  This is not meant as something to elicit sympathy, but more a realization (yet another) of having a lot of time to think.

I never meant to hurt her, or cause her to do or feel anything less than the happiness that a person of her internal and external beauty deserves.  I wanted only her happiness, and felt that I could give it to her.  For awhile, I did, but then things changed between us and she stated that she still wanted me around, but didn't want me as the lover and life partner that we'd both been heading towards together.  Instead, she wanted us to hang onto that which drew us together and bonded us, the strength of our friendship that we'd built our relationship on.  I wanted that too, but somewhere inside I'd convinced and diluted my brain to the point where I still believed that we could still head down that path together.  She told me otherwise, and my greatest err was not in desiring that from her necessarily, because I will always love her, and she will always be the greatest love of my life, yet my greatest regret.  I did not respect her, her wishes wants or needs, and in doing such, may have destroyed that which is so important in my life.  Having her in my life always brought me such joy, sometimes my mood became clouded with the dreams of the future and thus I might have pushed away my best friend, the best friend that anyone could ever have.

I did not lie to her when I said that I wanted to be friends with her, so dishonesty didn't completely pay a part in that aspect.  What I did, was to lie to myself that I could convince her away from what she believed.  Respect in a relationship plays as strong a part as the other key elements of honesty and communication.  By failing to respect her wishes, and her life choices, I was unfair to her, as a person, and as a friend.  I made decisions, did actions, which in retrospect, I regret, but that I will not cast blame away from or make excuses for.  I believed what I was doing was right, and was so blinded by my own wants and needs, that I failed to completely see hers.  I must take responsibility for what I did, and learn from them, in order to carry forward in life, and hopefully..she will, someday, be a part of my life, as my best friend, and I can watch her happiness, with whomever, and in whatever, she does.  Geoff is a lucky man, and a smart one.  I've never talked to him, but I've wanted to, I've wanted to thank him, for making her so happy, for making her as happy as I wished I could have, but more importantly, as happy as she deserves to be.  She will always have my love, my respect and my friendship, if she wants them.  Right now, I'm respecting her wishes, but I really do miss my best friend and want her back.

I wish you could have met her Alicia, she is truly a wonderful, and amazing person, soon, I will tell you more about her, just know, that in the dictionaries and annals of beauty and passion, she defines it.  My head is hurting right now so I'm going to get off here, and hope that I hear from her soon, waiting patiently, hoping to here that voice that brings joy and happiness in my life.

Goodnight, for now, sweetest dreams of forever and always.

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