01/15/01 - 9:55pm

Dear Alicia

When you have as much time alone with your thoughts as I have, a lifetime of memories, and a mosaic mess of things come bouncing through.  Even during my escapes into the darkness of the theater, I couldn't stop.  I thought about coming home, and telling her about them, so she could make fun of me for actually tolerating a George Clooney movie, or seeing a movie that looked dumb in the previews, but that I went to anyway (no, I still havent seen Baseketball in its entirety, or Dude, Where's My Car, but I did venture into Double Take, and regret it).  Nothing in life is really the same, without my best friend to share it with, almost like it didn't happen, or at least, it didn't matter as much.  I miss her.  

Do I still think about it? Of course I do, I would be a fool to admit that I didn't.  She will always be the greatest love of my life.  She will always hold a place in my heart that no other ever can.  Even when she's in love, and in total happiness with another, I will still look at her with that combined feeling of admiration, at who she is, and love, at who we were, and what we could have been.  She is a catch, an angel here on earth, can you see that Alicia? I have a feeling you can, and you know. Maybe you even sent her here for me, to watch over me, to protect me, to love me, and to show me how wonderful love can feel.  But don't mistake this for a return to my obsessive, destructive, disrespectful beliefs that I will throw everything at her in order to get back what we had.  She has made it clear that that's not what she wants, and that has found her love, or at least defined what she wants, and no amount of pressure from me will change that.  I was so consumed and diseased with obsession that I overlooked the most important part of our relationship, the strength of the bond that drew us together in the first place.  Will I always love her, yes I will.  Would I go running back to her, and spend forever trying to make her happy, yes I would.  But I will force her into any decision that goes against her wishes, not in a million years.

The harder you push someone, the farther away they will get.  The more you fight against someone's wishes, the more you drive them out of your life.  I was so blinded by my own selfish desires, that I failed to see and respect hers.  Now that my eyes have been opened for an umpteenth time, to a new aspect of emotion, I may have lost most important person in my life, the friend who inspired me, the lover who showed me so much, the arms that hugged me, the shoulder that absorbed so many tears, and the ears that were there so many times, and hold so many of my closest and deepest secrets.  They say you don't know what you've got til, its gone, well I know what I had, and now I pray with all my might that it's not out of my life forever.  Lish, if you could spend just one moment with her, you'd fall under her spell.  She has this smile that will cripple you, this laugh that is so soft and playful, that it makes you feel like there is nothing bad in the world.  Why couldn't I see that? Why couldn't I accept her hand that she offered me.  It will be my greatest regret in life, for the way I treated her, disrespected her and was too self-obsessed to realize that she was drifting away, and all I was doing was pushing her.

Reality has a harsh and cruel slap, and its a sting I'm all too familiar with.  A common theme in my movies viewed this weekend, was a search for identity, and a focus on a goal.  Whether it was the search for love and treasure, the determination to maintain an identity acheived, or the desire and passion to complete a task, destiny has a path, and fate and reasoning cannot be forced in the completion of these tasks

The fortune you seek, may not be the fortune for you

Homer's words from so long ago, but true words were never spoken.  I cannot force her to feel something she doesn't, or to accept something she doesn't feel with all heart.  I would expect nothing less from her.  She knows what she wants, she's not afraid to admit it, and not afraid to use that passion that burns so strongly inside her to get it.  Far be it for me to get in the way of that, I should, and want, to be there to see her get everything she deserves.  The love she wants, the career she's destined for, the life she desires.  I want to be there to share in it all, but I fear that I may not be.  I keep dreaming, I keep hoping, I keep wishing, and I keep believing.  Whenever, or if, she's ready to let the greatest friend she may ever have, back into her life, to atone for his mistakes, and show her that I can respect her, love her, and be here for her.  I'll be here.  I miss my friend Alicia, I have an angel above watching over me in you, I hope my angel down here can see how sorry I am, how stupid I was, and give me the chance that I may not deserve, but would cherish with all I can.

Goodnight, and sweetest dreams

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