01/16/01 - 10:55pm

Dear Alicia

Something happened on the way to spring, winter, and its cold, dark spirit, have descended again around reality here.  I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but I'm sure it's peaceful and warm.  Beautiful souls, get what they deserve, and conversely, darker ones get the same.  Snow was falling, temperatures were dropping, so my already fragile mood developed yet another crack.  I never fully realized the true meaning of emptiness, and the true power of loneliness, until the one person who knew best, went away.  Then again, I did send her there, by succumbing to the other side of my self, and not being strong enough to stand up to it.  I blame no one, but myself, and will continue to learn from this, hopefully, with my friend, my confidant, my truth, my reality and my light, by my side.  

Some may say that I dwell on her too much, but when someone is a big a part of your life as she, its kind of hard not too. So many thoughts, so many emotions, so many feelings, that each night when I look out there and seek your confidence something new, something usually revelatory, at least to me, but incoherent and rambling to most, comes out.  

I got lost somewhere Alicia, I only wanted to make her happy, and in my confused, selfish sense of reason, what I was doing made sense.  In retrospect, I can only utter, what the fuck was I thinking, or maybe thats just it, I wasn't thinking.  No maybes about it, I became consumed and obsessed, and lost my focus on what was most important.  I don't think I fully realized the implications of my adverse actions until it was too late, and then it cannot be taken back and probably doesn't deserve to be forgiven.  I spent so much time fighting to make her believe what I did, that I lost focus of everything else.  I lost focus of my life, for the most part, and lost focus of what she wanted, which was for both of us to be happy, however it may happen and whomever it may be with.  I could tell her, if she wanted to listen, that I see it now, but those words would ring empty on her ears I feel.  My own fault, not for saying empty words or promises to her, but saying the same things, over and over, even after she didn't want to hear them.  There comes a time, actually it should be always, that you say something once, you gauge the reaction and then you either move on from it, or move forward because of it.  I kept saying the same things I felt, over and over again, beating her over the head, forcing her into the drastic and justified measures that she is in now.  She has pushed me away, and closed me off from her life.  She has continued on her path towards happiness that I enviously stare at from afar, and yearn with every ounce of anything in me, to be a part of. 

I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you. So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside,come on and talk to me now.

Take me into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you. And when, when the night falls on you baby, you're feeling all alone,you won't be on your own, I'll stand by you

I've said before, I want be by her side, I want to be there for her, to watch her happiness, to see the love blossom in her eyes, to see her children bear the beauty of her spirit.  I want to dry her tears when she cries, and laugh with her, when she does.  I want to shake the hand of the man who gives her what I could not, for he will truly be the luckiest man in the world, because he realizes and appreciates what he has, and also knows how to take care of heart with the gentle touch it deserves.  I will protect her heart from anyone who tries to damage it, and step back and watch with glee, as that special person takes care of it forever.  I never want her to feel alone, I never want her to feel like someone out here does not love her, and know how wonderful she is.  I doubt that happens, because fate has a way of working itself out, clearing the fog from brains, and lighting the path to forever.  I hope that G is her light, because I have seen the love in her eyes when she talks about him, heard the sound of her voice when she talks about him, and while I've felt the pain of envy at not being the one whom she feels that way for, I now can stand back and contrast that pain with the knowledge that she's happy.  Somewhere along the way to rebuilding our friendship from the love we once had,  I got lost and consumed in the past, and unfairly took it all out on her.  I focus now on the future, a future that is filled with a million happy moments that we can share together.  Who knows, maybe she'd even let me babysit, so their Uncle Jer can spoil em rotten.  I say these words, not to kiss up, or to try and say the right things, but because I've opened my eyes yet again and seen those things that we so close to me, that I missed them.   Why is it so hard for us to see the things that are most important to us? Because sometimes they are so obvious, and so easy, that we take them for granted.  Then one day, we look around and wonder what happened, when we realize that something is missing.  We then spend the rest of ours lives in an enlightened search to recapture what our ignorace and self-absorbed blindness blocked out.

What do all these words mean Lish, I'm not really sure.  I just know that I miss her, I miss my best friend, I miss the part of my life that she lit up everyday, when I let her.  I miss the little things, the simple things, sharing my day with her, having her tell me how my reviews are inconsistent, having her regale to me my phantom 4-star review of Eyes Wide Shut (it was 3 by the way), sharing those quiet moments that I didn't let in enough, but now I yearn for more than anything, I miss her hugs when I was sad, her laughs at my jokes, I miss..I miss..I miss the other angel in my life Lish. 

In life, each moment that ticks by is precious.  It's there, then its gone, and its either utilized or wasted, but cannot be retrieved, no matter how hard science, or religious experts believe.  The past is just that, past, the future is full of moments to be cherished and taken advantage of, Too often we spend too much time with our focuses clouded by  either one or other and completely missing the obvious right in front of our eyes.  With her, I kept looking back at what we had, and trying to hang on with one hand, while staring into the future and trying to drag her down a path that she didn't want.  In the midst of that battle, I missed the fact that if I had just let go of both, stood my ground and looked right at what was there, her hand, her friendship and most everything that make our relationship magical.  The past would fall away, never fading, never dying, but taking its place and arising to recant memories while never dwelling on them and learning lessons from mistakes made.  The future would fall as neatly into place as the unknown can, but both would be strengthened by the presence and power of that bond that we built.  And the present is what must be capitalized on, if she lets me back, takes my hand in friendship, and lets me the best friend that I know I can be, and that has existed under the surface while I was too afraid and stubborn to let it out, then I shall never take her heart, her love, her lover, or her life, for granted again.   I hope she hears my words, though I've not given her much reason to believe them, can you make her believe Lish, can I?  I don't know if she can see this.  But Kat, I miss you, I am ready to try again.  Lish, if you have any control, can you pass that message along.  

Thanks sis

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