01/16/01 - 9:55pm

Dear Alicia

The silence screams a thousand words or more at me, but right now, its all I have.  She needs her time, and her space, and her love beside her.  I'm here to be here friend, I always will be, but only when she's ready, and I'm ready, which I feel I am, to try and rebuild what I have destroyed.

I have said so many words, and saying anymore would be like pouring water into an ocean.  Anything I'd say now would simply be repeating what I've already said.  And I can't do that.  I've learned, the hard way, that its not the number of times, or the volume with which you say something, but emotion, truth and power behind what you are saying, that matters.  Saying the same thing over and over does not make it anymore true than the first time you said it.  Regardless of how it's reworded or manipulated through vocabulary changes.

She knows how I feel, she never doubted that.  I hope that somehow, someway, that you can pass along the messages that I've related to you the past few days.  I can only dream and hope.  I miss her.

So much to say still, so much to rebuild and do, but its me who needs to do the work, for me, for the friendship and lives we will have.

The silence around me screams at me, I cover my ears in knowing rebellion.  When will the silence be broken, will it ever Lish? I wonder what she's thinking, what she's feeling, I know she's happy, more than she ever imagined, I just wish I could share in it, and maybe even cause some.  

Hopefully..soon, my days count onward, and upward, but emptier and darker.  I miss my angel.

Sweet dreams as always, not sure when I'll write again, I've said so much already, and I'm tired.  Even if you don't hear me, I'll be fighting, fighting to recover myself, hoping to rebuild that friendship which I miss so much. My days drift one, blending into one another, one not very distinct from the next, all that changes is the calendar. Anything you can do to help, would be appreciated.  I love you sis.

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