01/18/01 - 10:15pm

Dear Alicia

Some may ask why I write these letters to you, when I know you cannot respond. Some may ask why I continue to ramble on, about Kat, when she doesn't even know what I'm saying.  Some may ask, am I just saying these things because I mean them, or am I just trying to say the right things to get her back into my life.  Some may ask why I do alot of the things I do.  The fact of the matters is "Some" may ask all they want, but I really have noone to answer to but myself.  I spent too much of my life living it for others, doing things for everyone else, making decisions in my life for everyone else, saying things because I thought they were what others wanted to hear.

Fuck that, I got tired of doing that.  I do this, because I want to, its my therapy, its my choice, its my life.  I write these letters to you, because it my choice, I've always talked to you, in some form or another, whether I knew it or not, about everything in my life.  Somehow, I knew you were watching over, and taking care of me.  I feel safe, secure and confidant in telling you these things because you are not judgemental or conditional.  You listen to me, you love me, your arms hug me tight and somewhere out there, I know you take care of me and make sure that I'm safe.

Why do I continue to talk about Kat and what is the purpose behind my words? Well, the point is this, my words are my savior, they are what I have, and what I use to keep my sanity.  My writing is my communication and my therapy through this right now.  I have no reason to say things, just to hear myself talk.  I hear that enough believe me, whether it be out loud, or the screaming echoes in my head that exist consistently.  I have no reason to say anything but what is in my heart and mind, and what I was (pick your choice) too stupid, stubborn, blind or afraid, to say before.  Besides that, as far as I know, she doesn't even see these words anyhow. That doesn't change what I say, one way or another.  What I feel is what I feel, what I say is what I say.  I can hope, and dream that somehow Lish these words, or at least my feelings and the meaning and sincerity behind them is known to her.  I know that in your own way, you will ensure that at least she knows.  If she never utters another word to me, or cares another bit about what I do and where I go, I know that you will ensure that she knows how I feel, no need for repetition.  As I stated last night, sincerity and truth is not measured by how many times, or in what way you say something, but the feelings and emotion which gave birth to those thoughts in the first place.

My misguided focus is what put me in this empty darkness of a predicament where I live a lonelier life without my dearest friend, closest confidant and one who always holds a special place of love and admiration in my heart.  As I wander through each day, the cycle, waking up, going to work, coming home, talking to you, going to sleep, occasionally a movie trickles in, on weekends, I realize now, that my focus and energy that were going into fighting for something that she didn't want, should be focused on strengthening what we did have.  I was so busy being greedy and looking for more, that I may lost what I had.  

No more

As I've stated before, I will, and want to, work on and focus on making myself a better person, and rebuilding and making my friendship with her even stronger than either of us could imagine.  I'm not saying anything newsworthy or unique here.  

I feel, like running, like escaping, not to get away from my problems by avoidance, but more like getting somewhere that my head is clear and clean, and letting all the bad things wash out of it.  Somewhere away from everyone, everything, maybe the middle of nowhere, just sitting, thinking, being..hmmm

Goodnight for now sis, not sure how much sense I'm making these days, getting some strange looks at work I think..but what do I really care what they think?  Not much really, because they dont live my life.  I do.  Now..I do

Back to the Journal

Home to Kryptonite