01/19/01 - 10:20pm

Dear Alicia

I've said before, sometimes the words of another, say things better than we ever can.  Not that I lack the ability to communicate my feelings, emotions or such, but sometimes, someone else just says them better.

Right now, I'm living in the midst of loneliness and confusion.  Not having her, as my best friend and confidant, in my life, is taking a greater toll on my life than I could have ever imagined.  I do not know what to do, I do not know where to go. 

Pain and suffering and the struggle to be free
It can't ever be denied and I never will ignore
But when I see you coming, I can take it all
You're so fine, lose my mind
And the world seems to disappear
All  the problems, all the fears
And the world seems to disappear
I'm needing all that you can give me
All the things that you do so well
Words are healing weet anticipation
Making spells as the shadows close in and fall across all our yesterdays
Say if I could, look into myself and reason
But I could never never see or make sense of the dealings
Turn around. am I looking at salvation
Make me realize all that I am, you put the light inside this man

Disappear, performed by Inxs, lyrics by Michael Hutchence - 1995

Like I said before, I want to run, not away from my problems or life but just away for a bit, an escape, a respite from reality for awhile.  I don't know where I would go, and I don't know what I would do, but I feel like I have to.  She has cast me out into an isolation, in a vehicle of my own making.  I know only one thing for sure in my life right now, that I want my best friend back in my life, I want to show her how much having her in my life means to me. I can tell her that, but she won't listen, and probably won't believe me.  I haven't really given her reason to. I can say it to you, but she may never hear it.  I can say I'm sorry, to her, to Geoff and to anyone in her life, that I've upset by disrespecting her.

I believe in myself, I just have to find myself, completely.  Like Billy Crystal in City Slickers although not quite as clear cut on what the search is for. I have a smile, it just doesn't come out anymore.  I have a heart, its just lost in the darkness and loneliness.  I have a brain, that can turn these emotions into words.  All that is left is to find that one thing.  I believe that she is part of it, not in the aspect that she is a forever love that I will lust after, but rather a symbol of what could have been as relationship, and a pathway to what can be as a great friendship.

Maybe I need to go away, to somewhere unknown, where I don't know anyone, and noone knows me.  An escape, a vacation for my soul, to think, to just be.  Maybe..yeah, I need to just go.  Not knowing a location, nor what will happen when I get there.  Isolating myself, and immersing myself in someplace else.  Not knowing when I'll come back, or what will happen.  Maybe she will look at me differently if I disappear and come back, no..thats not it, I can't do something to get her attention, thats not what it will take.  I have to make myself a better person, so that she will see that I'm serious about being her friend, and moving down my path in life..

Did I tell you I didn't cry? Well I lied I lie lie lied
Did I tell you you're wonderful? I miss you yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong? I was wrong Cause you're wonderful 
Did I tell you how much I miss..your smile? Did I tell you I was okay? Well no way No way way way 
Now each and every day I realize the price I have to pay You you're wonderful 
So high I can't get over it So deep I can't get under it 
Did I tell you you're wonderful? I miss you yes I do Did I tell you that I was wrong? I was wrong

Wonderful, written and performed by Adam Ant, 1995

Right now, I know very little, except that I miss her, and need her, in my life.  I am willing to do whatever it takes, for my good, and hers, to have that.  I need my best friend.  I don't know when I'll write you again sis, although it will be soon I hope, and with a new outlook, and my best friend back in my life.  Things back on track, making sense again, having light, having purpose..where am I, lost, who am I, someone and something I don't like, what comes next..I don't know..I just don't know..anything

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