01/24/01 - 6:20pm

Dear Alicia

Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a madman
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming, I can hear them say..

Sometimes simplicity is the answer to life's biggest, and smallest problems.  Sometimes, it takes getting away from it all, to truly "get it".  When we become so immersed in keeping up with the maddening pace of reality, that we lose contact with who we are, and what is important, then all it takes is an extraction from the insanity, and insertion into something completely different, yet wholly untainted and therapeutic..

Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say..

..so I got in my car and drove, I had taken a couple of days off from work (with little advance notice, was difficult, but necessary, and work wasn't really high on my priority list, my head wasn't in  it, and my heart was long gone) I filled up my tank with gas, and decided that I was going to drive..drive north, until my gas tank was empty (nearest city) and see escape.

Clear Lake Iowa, population, approximately 8,000, the town that rock and roll put on the map, and that time has nearly and thankfully forgotten.  It's innocence is still intact, yet its legacy both haunts and fuels its existence.  The pace is leisurely, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere, anyone will wave at you and wish you a good morning without a reason, and life for its citizens, is enough.  The history of the town stems from the fateful night, February 3rd, 1959.  Buddy Holly, JP "The Big Bopper" Richardson, Richie Valens, Tommy Allsup and Waylon Jennings played a concert at the The Surf ballroom (which still stands.) Upon completing the concert, dealing with a broken down tour bus, and a date in Fargo, ND, Holly chartered a plane, with pilot Roger Peterson, and he, Richardson, and Valens boarded the plane (the other two stayed behind on a coin flip)  The rest, is history (read details in the above link) as Holly's plane crashed not far from Clear Lake, killing all of its inhabitants, and beomcing one of the darkest days in music history.  The town has never forgotten.  The ballroom is still standing, and has recently been renovated and reactivated for concerts again, and it seems as if the mindset of the town has stayed the same.  Frozen in time, by an infamous night, moving forward slowly with civilization only glancing its touch over it, Clear Lake was a perfect escape from my soul, and the reprieve and vacation my head needed to clear itself.  I got a hotel room, and spent two days, and three nights (a kind desk clerk gave me half a night free, since I got in after midnight) mostly sleeping, relaxing, writing and sightseeing a little bit.  In the daylight, I absorbed the noises and dancing visions on TV the first day, then wandered the old downtown, and toured the Surf's historical museum, some peace and contentment.  But at night, in the darkness, was when I was alone with my thoughts..alone to think, deal, cope and sort it all out, alone with my thoughts and soul.  The consensus?

I miss my best friend, I am ashamed of my actions, I never told her one of the things that I wished for her most.  I wish for her to be happy, and she is.  I am beaming, smiling, from ear to ear, that she has found her happiness.  The pangs of pain and regret will, and do, pound away at me, wanting it to be me, wondering, wishing, and hoping, but that is all the further they will go.  For she has found a happiness, she has found a peace, and I could not be happier for her.  I never got the chance to tell her that.  I only hope she can hear the words now.  Kat, I am happy for you, I wish the greatest happiness that any person has ever had, because you bring that same feeling into so many lives (without knowing it sometimes) and I want you, this one time, to know it.  Lish, can you pass that along?  If she wants time away from me, short, long, or permanent, I shall honor and respect that, my energy, and my focus, will be to make myself into a better person, for myself, and a better friend, for her.  I'm not ready to look for,  or get into, another relationship at this point.  I'm not saying I never will be, but I'm not ready to now.  I let a good one get away, but I shall no longer dwell, or push for a revival of that, but I will try to recapture that bond that brought us together in the first place.  I realized that she brings me so much joy and happiness, that I became blinded to in my selfishness, and that I shall not let happen again.  My mind raced with so many thoughts these past couple of days, but the worst thing of all, was not being able to share any of it, with her.

I checked out this morning, did one more drive around town, waving to more people, watching the old men sitting in the Denny's having their morning coffee, the mother and her children shopping at the local drugstore, the couple shovelling the snow from the driveway together, and so many other little things that become lost in the unfocused madness of life.  As I drove home, watching the snow blowing across the road I listened to the stations fade in and out as a reapproached my life with a new sense of energy and life

Carry on my wayward son,
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest now 
don't you cry no more

Thanks for listening, as always, sis it's so good to have a kindred soul amidst the clouds of my life, but I believe my sabbatical to a small farm town in northern Iowa may actually be the first ray of sunshine to break through and begin my revival. I can just dream that she is a part of it.  The town where music died, may very well be the town where my soul was reborn.  

Carry on my Wayward Son (1976) - performed by Kansas, lyrics by Kerry Livgren

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