01/25/01 - 9:20am

Dear Alicia

The greatest fear I have in this world, is the fear of the unknown, I think its a fear that a lot of us have, and do not readily admit, but deep down inside us, we are scared most of that which eludes our grasp of knowledge and understanding. I'm not going to mince words, or flex my vocabulary or anything to try and make my point today, because frankly, I just don't feel like it.  Whatever little burst of energy that I had from short sabbatical has been zapped out of me, there is a darkness around my soul again, and its wrapped tighter than ever.  The worst thing of all is, for the first time in my relationship with her, but not the first time in my life, I don't know why.  At all, no clue, no idea, just her mysterious journal entry that says I threw a proverbial knife into her, that I cut her off, I don't understand it.  

Yes, I did go away, from Sunday afternoon to early Wednesday evening, I was out of touch with all of reality and the world, which showed me how much I miss those things which are most important me, namely her friendship, and a renewed sense that I want to be her friend, see her happiness and share in the joy she deserves. 

I had not heard a word, save two very short, succinct emails, regarding an item she was exchanging for me, in almost 2 weeks, in fact it would have been 2 weeks on Monday, the night she called again.  I was not here, she left a message, which I returned last night when I figured she would be home.  She was online, or on the phone, so I left a message in return and sat back in anxious anticipation to hear her voice again.  But I heard nothing, not too distressing, maybe she was relaxing, or answering emails, or updating her page, or even talking to G, not a problem at all, I was just ready and hopeful to start down our new, renewed path of rebuilding the friendship that I had torn apart with my stupidity.  I knew it would be a slow, steady process, but I was hoping that this phone call, meant that she wanted us to work on being friends (although I was the only one who had any work to do).  Then I went to her page to see if she was indeed updating it, since I had 2-3 days of entries that I'd caught up on earlier, and sure enough, there was an entry, so I clicked to read it..and all of the color and blood began draining from my body.  Wait, she couldn't mean me? Could she? "one final knife thrown deliberately in my direction", "her heart sliced in two", what did all this mean, then I went to link pages to read G's page, to see if it offered any clues, alas, nothing, but now I'd notice something else distressing, any presense or remnant of me was gone from her page.  Now my heart raced miles and miles faster, what was happening here?? Confusion rained down over me, I stood up, wandered around, back and forth, having no idea what had just happened.  I tried calling, left messages, to no avail, got one short email back (after sending a frantic inquiring one) and got a short response, but nothing explaining the reasonings behind it.  Granted, she doesn't owe me any reasons, she is her own person and can do whatever she wants to do, but every time in my past, and even with her, when something has gone wrong, I've at least had an idea of what it was, and knew that I was more often that not to blame.  But this time, nothing, no idea, no clue.  So all night, in a restless sleep, the questions bounded.  What could  it be?  Was she upset because I wasn't here on Monday, was she upset that I'd escaped away from it all, having not heard from her in awhile, and not sure when I would again?

I don't know...I just don't know, and it scares me, a life, without her in it, without my kindred soul, the person who knows me best, makes me happiest, whose happiness and love I want to share in, and watch her savor.  Where is she, and why, oh why Lish, what happened?

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