01/27/01 - 11:30 pm
Super Bowl Prediction: Ravens 20, Giants 13, for more details, go here
Dear Alicia
For the first morning in a long time, I slept comfortably, awoke with a smile, and a relaxed sense that all was right in the world. I dreamt happy thoughts, and felt a warmth throughout. The security of having my best friend back, taking the steps to rebuild what I tore down, the peaceful serenity of knowing that you are watching over me, and the joy of a wonderful, perfect evening spent together.
Yes, last night, we spent the evening together, just like we did, in the good times. We laughed, cried, jabbed at each other, hugged, held each other, and shared and strengthened that bond that we've spent nearly 3 1/2 years building. I also shared with her my feelings about you, some deep feelings regarding life, fate, and an otherworldly presence controlling forces in reality. You see, Thursday night was a truly revelatory and amazing night, especially during a 20 minute ocurrence, where I could swear you were using your hands to watch over and take care of me.
I guess I've never realized it, but you've been watching over me for my whole life, and I never realized it. All of a sudden, all those little quirky coincedences, and such that I chalked up to fate, were actually you helping and watching out for me. I realized something else too that has been buried inside me. I miss you. I miss not having you around, watching you grow and experience things, having your shoulder to lean on, having you punch me in mine, being able to protect you, stand up for you, be proud of you, watch you grow into the beauty that you are, just having you around, to touch. I know and feel your spirit now, and I can only imagine what it would be like to truly have you hear. I guess that's been repressed inside me for so long, and I never dealt with it. I've always known that I wanted a big sister (to grow up with, that is) and maybe that's why most if not all of my best friends are female. Maybe that's why Kat and I's bond is so strong. Because when I'm around her, I want to take care of her, the way I want to take care of you. I'd like to imagine that you are as wonderful, sweet, kind, caring, funny, smart and loving, as she is. She is the embodiment of how I picture you. Oh if you could experience her Lish, words cannot describe. I know though, that you have some experience with her, even if it's just whispering my words to her when things are going rough and she doesn't want to hear them.
There are things that are experienced in life that defy explanation, odd feelings, sort of like deja vu, but colder, not scary, but just..odd. It's in those moments that I now know, you're hugging me, caressing my soul, or just watching out for me. On Thursday, after my rambling letter to you about my fear of the unknown, and past experiences and such, I was sitting back in my chair, when an email came in. It was from Geoff, it really surprised me, since we have never really talked before. I only know of him through Kat, and of how he makes her feel, and their experiences together. I was both envious of him, and happy, because he made her feel the way she deserves to. I gave in, selfishly, to the envious feelings before, without even acknowledging the fact that he gave her everything I wanted for her, love, happiness, a smile, a laugh, everything. Well, I opened the mail and it was basically an explanation of the unknown that I sought, simple, heartfelt, to the point. I think at that point Lish, I truly realized, this man cares for, and loves her so much, that he's watching out for her heart. He voluntarily was trying to help us rebuild our friendship, because he loves her that much, and knows, apparently, how much I mean to her as well. I was speechless, smiling, thankful, and didn't know what to say. So I wrote a quick response back, hoping we can talk more (which I do, from what Kat tells me, we'd have a lot in common, maybe he could even explain to me what in the world he saw to like in What Lies Beneath and Double Take) and sat back to digest what he'd said. I smiled a bit, still curious as to what made him write me, but thankful he did. Then, not 5 minutes later, my phone rings, and its her. Remember, I haven't talked to her, in over two weeks, except..except..here. I had left her messages, which were unreturned, and had done so again, but what made this time different, what made her call back this time. At this point, I didn't care, I was just happy to hear her voice, that sound I had missed so much. We talked briefly, began the process of putting things back together again (which was strengthened even more last night) which brought a peace into my world, as we hung up and she headed off to a date with G. Now, I stood up, walked around the room, breathing a bit easier and went over to my patio doors to look outside. When I did, is when it all hit home, that your touch was on my life, and my soul. It was snowing. Not a heavy blizzard style of snow, but just a light, but consistant dusting, slowly, patiently falling, as if being sprinkled from the tiniest hands. I walked outside, no coat, and stared up at the sky ("Quit pushin momma, I'm goin" - Sandra Bullock, Hope Floats) and just watched the snow fall. I'm not sure how long I stared up there, but for the first time..I saw you, I felt you, this whole thing had you written all over it. For the first time, I realized "She's really listening, she really cares", all of those things happening were a blessing enough, but to have them happen so close together, and right after talking to you here, made me think, and feel you, truly feel you, for the first time. I watched the snow drift lightly down from your fingers, smiled, nodded at the sky and said "Thank you sis, I love you too"
Another day, another step towards wherever fate may take me. My path is unclear, the participants are not. I have my family, I have an angel on earth, and an angel in heaven, to help me, push me, take care of me, and watch over what I do. It's quite a warm, secure feeling.
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