02/14/01 - 1:20 am
Sorry for the delay in writing sis, no real good excuse except for the fact that I just haven't taken the time that I should have to regale things to you as promised. I could say it was work, but that really hasn't been unusual except for this week, when I'm helping out a training class and thus working a different shift. I could say it was my personal life, but save my wonderful evenings spent with Kat, my movies on the weekends, and one visit to see my other angel Harper, that wouldn't be correct either. The fact is, my mind and body have just not been into it. I know you'll understand, since I always speak to you my prayers and thoughts, even when I don't here.
I hope your birthday was a wonderful one, not sure how you'd celebrate it, alone, with friends, or whatever makes you happy, but I hope whatever you did, you were smiling at everyone else, the way you always smile down on me. My birthday wishes to you were very difficult, but necessary, to write. I really wanted to show Mom, but I'm not sure how she would deal with it. She's so strong Lish, can you see that? She is so strong, and amazing, that its hard to imagine anything weakening her, making her sad, or bringing her down. I have rarely seen sadness in her eyes, but when I did, I remembered it.
I can recall in my younger years, going with her to visit you, she always picked the most beautiful, personal, arrangement of flowers to give to you, fitting for the person you would have been, and the person that you always be in her mind, and mine. She would walk off, away from the rest of us, and we'd let her go. She would lay down the flowers, very carefully, very methodically, and pause..I think that's when she would talk to you, before coming back, maybe wiping a tear or two, I can't really remember, but we never asked, nor mentioned you much. Not out of shame, but just out of respect for what Mom has gone through, living her whole life with you only as her most beautiful memory of what could have been. Right now, she holds you in her memories with the sweetest visions. She always wanted a little girl. It's obvious, she has always been into the frilly dolls, clothes and girly things that are associated. Somewhere, deep behind the steel exterior of her eyes and the strength that it's taken to raise three boys, lies a slightly cracked heart that wanted a little girl to primp over, to show how to put on makeup, give cooking lessons, to hold when she cried over losing her first crush, to dress up, take pictures of, then cry on her first prom night, to fawn over grandchildren (which she still holds out hope for "while she's still young enough to hold them") but mainly, just to love. Her love is never ending, unconditional, and truly impossible to describe in words. It's easy to forget how sick she really is, and how quickly she could be gone from us. Sometimes its hard not to focus on all that, and I really don't that often. But occasionally, as in last night while having a wonderful conversation with Kat (remind me to tell you more about her, chapters of my life have been written and rewritten with, and because of her, and they are just beginning, so many more to go, sometimes, she seems like an incarnation of you (save a few parts of course *wink*), but I care for her, and love her, as I would love you., I want to see and share her happiness, wherever she may find it. I do often wonder if you sent her here to take care of me in body, while you did in spirit and soul, but thus I digress, much more on K later) and I mentioned how the slightest comment about diabetes had triggered a flood of thoughts, emotions and concerns, how much she means to me, and how truly...scared I get when I think of life without her. Those of us down here take so much for granted, that we sometimes fail to see what we have, nor appreciate it, until it's gone. I don't want to do that, nor will I. I will not dwell on the fact that every day she survives is another day she lives to fight and stay stronger, but rather on the now, the moments we have, and will have.
She would have, and still loves you so deeply Lish, she even let her sister, my aunt, name her oldest daughter after you (quite the feisty lil character too, I must say, just turned 21), so in little ways, you live on, in the hearts of many, in so many ways. In Mom's eyes, you will always be her little girl and her sweetest angel taken far too soon. In my eyes, you will always be my big sister, my guardian angel, to guide me, protect me, and hopefully experience a full and complete life, compliments of me.
Mom misses you, the brothers (Kenny and Terry) while they never really say it, do miss you, and I miss you.
Mom has this little twinkle in her eyes, which usually is chased by a tear that stays inside for fear of cracking her tough exterior. She cries it for you. She cries it a little sadness of never getting to hold, touch, kiss, hug and love you, but even more, she cries it, as we all do, in the happiness and spirit of the image and memory that lives on of you, in our minds, and in our hearts.
It's 2:00 am, on Valentine's Day (an overblown Hallmark commercial that blooms once a year and allows guys to treat women the way they should the other 364 days) It's foggy, it's rainy, its cool, and yet, amidst the hectic nature of existence, I find the greatest warmth in my heart with simple memories, of 4 angels in my life. Mom, who raised me and always wants my happiness, Kat, who has shown me that love can cross miles, and hearts can bond, in love and friendship, forever, little Harper, who has just entered the world, new and experiencing all it has to offer but who brings the light and innocence of the simplicity of life, and then you, who is omnipresent, caring, loving, working in mysterious ways to take care of all those who miss you so greatly.
We shed tears inside, that we don't let the world see, but those whom the tears are for, know and understand. They do not wipe them away, but simply smile in the knowledge of what they mean.
I cry those silent tears for you every night Lish, I know you see them, I know you feel them, and I hope you understand them a little better now..
The fog is thickening outside, but clearing in my mind. Come sis, let's see the world together, we can laugh, cry, or just be..together..always.
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