02/22/01 - 10:20 pm

Dear Alicia

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around for my possibilities.

I was so hard to please.
Look around, leaves are brown,
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

First of all, before I get off on my rant/topic or the lack thereof, I have to say this unequivocally.  

I HATE WINTER!!!

Ahem, I should clarify by saying that it's not the snow, the ice, or the cold that bothers me as much as it is the unpredictibility and persistence of its presence, which is disturbing and frustrating.  I mean, I know that I'll never be able to understand or figure out the cycles and powers of natures magic, since it's natures wonder that creates life, natural wonders, and the manipulation of fate which generates the interactions of our very existence.  But on the other side of all that, comes the fact that nature loves to taunt, tease, hint, then just when we get comfortable, show its power by out of the blue, reminding us of who is really still in charge, despite all of our scientific manipulations.  What spurred this, you may ask (those who aren't bored yet) well, yesterday, out of nowhere, the temperature dropped about 40 degrees, the wind howled, the sleet fell, and two inches of snow lit down upon us again.  This, after a cyclic November, December and January that gave 3 days of respite, 1 day of intense storm, 3 days of recovery, wash, rinse, repeat.  But things had been quite serene, bordering on beautiful.  Temperatures slowly rising to their peak of over 50 on Monday, tempting us with the beauty that springtime has to offer, so I wondered, aloud unfortunately, while walking to my car, if this nice clear parking lot would stay clear from the snow until next year.  Apparently, someone heard me, and answered with a resoundingly negative response.  So then today, it was as if it was all a bad dream.  Very few hints of snow, temps back to the borderline jacket stage, and some sense of order restored.  But looming on this weekends horizon is yet another dose of nastiness, so stay tuned.

Now that the weather report is out the way, I shall get to the focus of what's been floating around my head for the past days since I last wrote you.  This was all stimulated by something Kat said to me last night, during another of our wonderful times together that we've had lately.  She mentioned how we were able to talk, intelligently, and at length, about a myriad of subjects, linked together sometimes, sometimes not, but covering ground that would make most peoples heads spin.  (comments paraphrased of course, and copyright Awesome Kat Ltd) However, in my journal entries and writing, I seem to be stuck in a similarity rut.  A focus on my letters to you, yes, but more of trying to hard to write on one subject, while not writing about all the other occurences and events running through my head.  Believe me, there are a maddening number of thoughts going through my head at any given time.  It is almost to the point of frustration.  I'm not going to say that I'm anymore of a thinker than the next person, but it always seems like my head is racing, and my words, spoken and written, can never keep up.  By talking it all out, I came to the realization, and she agreed, that I'm trying to hard to tailor these things I write to a given theme, when this is actually supposed to be about my life, not just about you sis.  Yes, writing to you is important, but writing ABOUT you isn't always.  You know my words, you hear them before I say them, you see my thoughts, and understand them before I do, and you feel my emotions, and interpret them, either comforting or chastising, long before I even realize it.  So my focus here, should just be on what you can't tell about me. My past, my dreams, my wants, my desires, my reactions to the stimuli and events that exist in the insanity of reality and the progression of time towards an unclear life's destination.  Even though some of the things may be obvious, my interpretation, and ability to do so, is how I want to pass on my legacy, and live life through you, and for you.

I guess these two topics could tie together in the auspice of focusing so hard on something, that you become oblivious to what is going on around you.  By living in a cloud of expectation and pressure, there becomes a blindness and denial of the true beauty and unpredictibility that exists around us.  My eyes are not just mirrors to your soul, but a camera to hold images, store them for interpretation, then pass them on, through these pages.  I want you to see all of what is in the world, not just my tainted perspective of it.  In order to full appreciate something, every aspect of it must be observed and respected.  Whether it be the beauty and the beast persona of nature, or the complete realm of rambling thoughts and emotions in my head.

Seasons change with the scenery;
Weaving time in a tapestry.
Won't you stop and remember me

I don't know..does this make any sense?  Does life make any sense? Is it really supposed to?  Or are we just the pawns and messengers set forth to ride til the end, grab as much as we can, and not try to figure out why we're here, but rather revel in the fact that we are.  

I think I'm going to sleep on this one sis, I hope you don't mind me sharing this with the rest of the internet world (whomever may read this, not really sure if anyone is)..but while some write for themselves, exposing their souls for self exorcism and expression, I write, to keep my skills sharpened, and hopefully get that reinforcement that I could someday do this for a living, as you know I want to do.  Am I any good at being society's town crier?  I don't know, but what I do know, is that when I stop trying, is when I start dying, and if I do go, I'd like to know what people think of me, and what I said and did while I was here. 

Hang on to your hopes, my friend.
That's an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend that you can build them again.
Look around,  grass is high,  fields are ripe, 
It's the springtime of my life.

I think to sleep on this, hopefully the snow will hold off, and the thoughts will take a respite to allow me to refresh..

Get busy livin..or get busy dyin..(Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption)

I love you sis..always

Jer

Hazy Shade of Winter (1968)- lyrics written by Paul Simon, performed by Simon & Garfunkel, remade by The Bangles (1987)

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