03/02/01 - 10:52 pm
Dear Alicia
An anomaly of numbers, todays date is another in the list of curious occurences resulting from a new century, a countdown date, which will happen only once per year, but is still a numerologists wet dream. And yet, as countdowns usually do, by the end of the day, something happened, not a blast off, or explosion, but a mild tremor in the darkness.
It's truly amazing how one little touch, one little change, can bring so much clarity to things. So often in this world, we look around, we look for things, we even look at things, but do we truly SEE them. Many don't, the world is filled with things to see, not just look at, and by simply focusing, noticing, and observing, a whole new world is introduced.
Today, for the first time in probably 4 years, I am the
proud (thanks to Kat) owner of a new pair of really cool, helpful glasses. 
It was amazing when I put them on, the sharp clarity that things took on.
I know I must have looked like the Bad News Bears in the Astrodome, walking out
of the mall, my head swiveling, gazing, and actually seeing, these things which
had been nothing but blurs before. As I got on the road, I marvelled at
the newly discovered things around me, which had always been there, but now,
suddenly, were more visible, were clearer, had more definition and sense.
The road signs, the yards of the houses, the colors of the signs, the white
speckled terrain of newly fallen snow mixed with grass trying to grow amidst the
seasonal confusion, all of it, coming out, coming at me, being seen, and not
just noticed. It made me think of how many of us walk through life, just
looking at the things and people around them, without ever really seeing and
understanding what is there. But all of a sudden, a moment of clarity, an
event, a person, an object, a revelation comes along, and makes sense of it
all. Everything that was a blurred state of ignorant, but satisfactory
bliss, has suddenly become an enlightening emotional event. This can have
a positive, or negative effect, but things will never be the same, thats for
sure.
Today, for some reason, my self esteem was higher than it
had been in a long time. I looked in the mirror, and I kinda liked what I
saw. 
For
a moment, those dark depressive states, those spiking headaches, those feelings
of worthlessness, sadness, and general disdain with myself faded away
briefly. I stared into the darkness of my soul and I saw it all, the
failures of my past, the mistakes and indiscretion, the friends I'd lost touch
with, the erosion of my person through the combination of my own weakness, and
others strength, the unfulfilled potential, the wasted moments, the occasional
happy thoughts, darkened by numerous others, most self inflicted, all that I had
lost, but this time, I didn't run, I barely flinched, I didn't cower and hide as
I usually do, I stood my ground. And I looked closer, and deeper.
It was not a sense of happiness, washed all away, but rather a small chip off the iceberg in the ocean of fate that guides our lives. Maybe I was handsome, smart, funny, articulate, talented, full of hopes and dreams to be lived, maybe I could do them..just a maybe, nothing definite, but for a moment, I saw clearly what I had in my life, what I'd been given, and what I could have. I'd been given two angels, one to show me the meaning of love and true friendship, the definition of passion and beauty, and the personification of who I strove to be, the other, you, who would be there with me, always, to see a world never seen, experience things unknown, and yet guide me, and be with me, always. For a moment, the blurred vision of my string of moments called life, became the tiniest bit clearer, maybe..just maybe, there was hope. It was all a bit clearer now, and was probably always there, but I was looking at it, reaching for it, but not seeing it, and working for it
Amazing what some titanium, plastic lenses and polycarbonate can do to regenerate the soul of a tortured man, a man who was buried in a deep depression, a chasm of low self esteem, self created, but deserved, the light came through, as it always had, but now..I could see it, and maybe, just maybe, I made the tiniest step towards it.
Questions, Comments, Criticisms, anyone there?? - Email Me
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