05/17/01 - 10:58 pm
Dear Alicia
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know
I am in a state of loss, confusion and darkness. What do you do when all that you’ve known, all that you’ve built a life, love and happiness around turns out to be a façade, a figment of someone else’s playful imagination? It’s crushing, indeed, with all that’s gone on, to have it all come crashing down. Having your dreams shattered by mere strikes of a typewriter from a distant, but apparently clairvoyant visionary know-it-all.
(deep breath)
How could she do this, how could I not
see it, how could my eyes be so blinded to it all.
And how could you, see through what so many of us could not. It was all a sham, and all it took were your well-supported
words and theories to destroy all of our lives, and bring her house of cards
caving in on her. The dreams, the
past, the present, the future, the truth, presented for all of us to see by a
voice that remains anonymous and hidden to their own realities, but ready to
pounce on, and expose those of others.
She never wanted a relationship, she just wanted us as pawns in her game while she got her jollies toying with emotions, creating stories, friends, people, events, family members, crisis, happiness and general aspects of life that existent, real people have. So this begs so many questions, who is she, who am I, who is Geoff, who are those people in those pics, as her family, as her friends, in her pictures with her. It was all a creation, all a story, and apparently, all imaginary, based on the justifications and rationales. So who have I been talking to, sharing thoughts, memories and stories, and hearing in return? Who have I seen all those numerous pictures of, alone, with family and friends? It was all fake, imaginary, non-existent being the word and phrase of choice I guess.
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right,
(exhaling loudly)
Okay. I can’t do it anymore, I’ve held it in and winged this long enough, it was very painful, but amidst the confusion, and anger that this misguided formulation of vocabulary, words and irrational brain cells has generated, a heavy dose of sarcasm, tongue planted painfully, but joyfully in cheek throughout all of this.
You preach about the power of journals, words poured from the hearts and souls of those brave enough to bare themselves to the cyber world. Yet with your poorly chosen, weakly supported accusations, you are hiding behind the same type of facade that you preach against. By your childish, circumstantial and ignorant justifications, if we haven’t seen it, touched it, or associated with something familiar, then it doesn’t exist. Imagine the revelations and implications of such a philosophy. Religion becomes non-existent, since all we have to go on is the words in a book, and the legends of a culture. I mean think about it, has anyone ever seen God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Mohammed, Ra, or whichever deity and entity chosen for worship. Therefore, since we have no pictures with, photos or the like with anyone familiar, then it must all be a sham, and a façade meant to placate civilizations of millions of obviously ignorant, blind but lemming like followers. How could we all have been duped? You are truly a genius, in one fell swoop, you have dismantled history, as we know it. How can we truly trust anything before the era of pictures? How can take the word of someone in a story told, if we can’t see proof of it. I don’t know how I can go on, I’m not from Missouri, but I live near it, and usually you have to “show me” but there are some things you take on the basis of some concepts that are obviously foreign to you. Ever hear of trust? Faith? Probably not, in fact, you’re probably an agnostic tunnel visionary who can barely see past what’s around you (enjoying that snow yet?) Compassion must be another thing that’s absent from your emotional arsenal. How could you, even in your twisted sadistic justification, even imply that someone would make up the situations and circumstances that you accuse her of creating? As if this time has not been hard enough, on her, on Geoff, on me, on those all around, then you have to come along, pissing gasoline onto a raging inferno, then laughing with a demented glee as you watch the repercussions.
I hope you’re happy with yourself, because no one else is. Anonymity is a mask that you hide behind, but that will soon crumble amidst the truth and reality of your inner ugliness. You want to know what’s real? It’s not just what you see, what you can touch, what you can relate with someone, or something else. It’s about what you feel, what you believe, and what you know. A love, without doubt, a trust, without boundaries, a life, without wondering, a friend, forever. Then again, you wouldn’t know about any of those things, and now, you never will, because when what comes around gets to you, I’d hate to see, but would happily cheer, the disaster that your reality will become.
I’ve known Katarina for almost 4 years, I’ve known of Geoff for almost a year, and I’ve experienced and been a part of more with her than you’ll ever know, and will ever deserve to know. You should be lucky to even be able to share in her world. We appreciate her, we know her, we love her, and we are here for her. Unconditionally, and without doubt. Maybe someday, you’ll find that someone too, but honestly, I hope they destroy your world once you give your heart to them, as you are obviously trying to do here. Because frankly, you don’t deserve one ounce of happiness.
And while you’re so busy comparing the lives of others, trying to tear down their reality, have a taste of this: my best friend of 25+ years Jeff, father of the angel Harper, has gone through more adversity and reality in the past few days then you can ever imagine. He’s lost one of his dogs (that was basically his first child) he’s lost his job, his wife may lose hers as well, and yet you know what? He’s still up beat, rolling with the punches, and asking for sympathy from no one. You think these kind of things are the stuff of fake journals, and non-existent realities? Well, you don’t deserve to share the same planet as someone as strong as him. Through adversity, he, just like Kat, has gained strength in overcoming, and has gained admiration, respect and friendship not through outlandish lambasting of others, supposedly for someone’s well being, but rather just from being himself. Bottom line: He is real, Kat is real, and all of it is real. And if their, and our, realities are too much for you to handle, then get the fuck out of our lives and straighten your own miserable one out, then come of your hole when the shadow of your soul won’t scare and scar the existence of those of us who cherish life.
I’ve ranted enough, and more than your words deserve, but know this, hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but reality has a much sharper, painful and longer lasting burn when fate strikes back. Choke on that, Anonymous one, and if you want to respond, and dare to poke your head out of the rubbish pile that your life will become, than feel free to email me, and show your true face, since your colors are already glaringly ugly.
Peace and love to all others, who know of what I speak, and have someone in your life to share these feelings with, as I, and we do.
To Cameron, keep the fight up, every day is a step towards the light, every movement is progress, the first words, the opening of the eyes, and that day when I can shake your hand, and toast a drink amongst TRUE friends, are all a part of a future that we all know, see and believe will happen.
In response to: Kat's - Smarter
Than You Think
See also: Geoff's - Anger
Management 101
Shattered Dreams (1988) - lyrics by Clark Datchler, performed by Johnny Hates Jazz
Questions, Comments, Criticisms, anyone there?? - Email Me
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