8/30/00 Soundtrack: Kryptonite, Genie in a Bottle, Low, Closer, Something to Believe In Visuals: The Big Kahuna, my hallway lights, the parking lot lights peeking through my blinds Time: 12:30 am If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman, if I'm alive and well, will you be there, holding my hand Who am I? A simple question, six letters, with a myriad of possible responses. I headached over how to start my first foray into the world of online journals, and decided that an introduction, and overview of me would be the best way. So basically, I’m just gonna open up my head, and see what falls out. Beware, maddening, incoherent ramblings head. Put on your helmet and buckle up Who
Am I – When doing biographies, or background
information, most people sound like a personal ad, or
beauty pageant contestant. Are we really defined by
our age, physical description, what we do, where we’ve
been? Can we really just be reduced to a series of
adjectives and nouns? I don’t think so, but
for those who are curious, here’s a little intro,
before I go any further (do you love me, will
ya love me foreeevvverrr….let me sleep on it..baby
baby let me sleep on it) Name:
Jerauld (only my drill sergeant, mother and my Kat can
call me that, so everyone else beware (sign
your name, across my heart, I want you to be my baaabbby)
I go by Jerry, Jer, Jerbear, Uncle, Cuz, Lil Brother,
depending on your relation to me Age:
32, born December 6, 1967, a child of the 80s, and lover
of most culture that resided during that decade. Occupation:
For now, I answer phones for a major credit card company
(that narrows it down eh?) But ultimately, I am
going to get paid to combine my two passions in life, see
below I’ve
lived in Nevada (7 years) England (2 years) Georgia (11/2
years) and have traveled/been to 38 states, and 7
countries. I still want to goto Seattle, New York
and New Orleans, oh, and Amsterdam and Italy too, maybe
even Australia (except not for that Survivor fiasco) (Im
gonna try with all my might…to make this storyline
come true..I can feel you tremble when we touch..) I
love movies, I love writing, I love my Kat. My
desire is to be with her, forever, while getting paid to
see movies, and write my opinions about them. For
now, I could be classified as an aspiring writer (meaning,
as a high and mighty cohort of my now defunct OFCS
membership, that I write now, but hope to get paid for it
someday) I
love chocolate, rainstorms, the sound of a childs
laughter, the smell of freshly baked cookies on a morning
when you don’t have to goto work, hitting my snooze
button more times than I should, spending time with my
Kat (noticing a theme here?) making love with her, the
mental and physical stimulation that we share..and other
things that will come to me as these entries go on. I
love driving places, sometimes for a reason, sometimes
just for the heck of it. I love trivial information, can
spout useless movie info about anything after 1977 I
hate lying, stealing, mind games (although I have not
been a perfect example, being guilty of these things
which I detest) emory boards, people who don’t pull
up all the way at gas pumps, stupidity (or shall I say,
ignorance of facts that readily accessible) I hate myself,
for what I do, what I say, what I feel, what I don’t
do, what I can’t do, why I can’t do it. I
suffer from insomnia, chronic migraines, mild manic
depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and an
incredible high metabolism, which makes it difficult for
me to gain weight. I am a packrat, a
procrastinating perfectionist, I love football season, I
love the Oscars, though I rarely agree with them (Cate
Blanchett, Star Wars best picture, Haley Joel, tsk tsk
Academy) Okay, the facts, adjectives and nouns are out of the way, now, we delve in deeper inside, into what really makes up who we are. The random thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, wants, needs and such. I
am at a point in my life right now, of crossroads, of
enlightenment, of rediscovering who I am. Realizing
that all of my life, I have been living to please other
people. I’ve always wanted everyone to like me,
I’ve always wanted to fit in, but never did. I’ve
never liked myself, I have terribly low self esteem, I
look in the mirror in the mornings, and don’t like
what I see. I have everything I want in front of me,
and just now realize it. Why was I looking around
before, why was I lying to myself, why and how, did I
ever hurt her, the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, smartest,
sexiest soul that this planet has ever created. What
was I searching for? What am I searching for? What
do I want? I want happiness, desire, passion,
intelligence, I need it, I crave, I hunger for it. Yet,
when it stares me right in the face, I can’t accept
it. I looked for more, I held on tight to her, but
saw the other things around me, and wondered what they
had, how do I get it, can I have that with her? Of
course I can, but WHY!! Why am I a fool. Why
did I hide things from her, why was I afraid to show who
I really am. Because I’m afraid that people
won’t like me. I’m afraid and disgusted
by the things that go through my head. The feelings
that flow through my body. I felt unnatural, like I
would be judged. The madness, the energy, the anger,
the confusion, that runs through my veins. I want
her, I love her, my heart aches when I’m without her.
But my fear, my hiding parts of myself, not showing all
of me to her, thinking for her, thinking I knew how she
would react, without ever giving her the chance that she
deserved. Unfair. Wrong. Now, on the
cusp of a new beginning, a beginning with no fears of
what anyone thinks, of being completely open, completely
honest, of hoping, taking it step by step with her,
opening those doors, discovering whats behind them, and
not being afraid to show the world what I am. What
I feel, what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I am.
The mistakes I’ve made, my passions, my desires,
what makes me laugh, what makes me cry. The maddening echo of confusion screams across the silence at me everyday. It is the both the fuel and the albatross of my soul. Where am I going? I don’t know, but, to quote Cecil B. Demented “I have a vision” What do I want, I know that too. Does she want me still, I hope so, I dream so, if only my words could tell her. She consumes me, but I can’t show her, at least I don’t feel that I can. Its so simple. She asks so little. Honesty, openness, easy enough. Say what you feel, say what you want, say what you need, say what you do. Open and shut case. Then why, oh freaking why, is it so difficult for me to do. Is it because I don’t understand what I feel, so that I cannot communicate them? Is it because I am afraid of them? God..the echoes are back..the screaming is there, the pain is ever present. What do I do? Where do I go? Where will tomorrow take me, take us *sigh I don’t know. Will I ever know, the fear of the unknown is my greatest. Greater than my fear of heights, snakes and needles. Right now, I don’t know who I am. I do know what I want. I do know how to get it. Now, begins my journey towards doing that. Who am I? You ask? I don't know Stay tuned..the journey inside is just beginning . |
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