8/30/00 Soundtrack: deafening silence, early morning sounds Visuals: The glow of the monitor Time: 3:30 am Ever have one of those days? Sure you have, the kind of day that starts off bad, and cascades downward, domino style, into an abyss of frustration, anger and disgust. I know we all have them, and that the good days offset them, but dammit, it doesn’t make them any easier to deal with, or any more fun to have. Maybe venting about it a bit will ease all of this pent up energy inside me that has turned me into someone I’m not, or maybe I am, and have been fooling myself all along, hmmm..a point for another rant. In
a perfect world (who really lives in one of those) my day
starts around 9:30 or 10:00, wake up, flip on the TV (usually
E! True Hollywood Story, Unsolved Mysteries or the 14th
repeat of SportsCenter, you know, if I didn’t have a
clock to wake up to, I could almost tell what time it is
in the morning by what is on TV 9:00
– Sportscenter, True Hollywood Story 10:00
– same Sportscenter (love that Kenny Mayne “Even
with derogatory credit, you can own a brand new car),
Unsolved Mysteries and the first of two Wings episodes (those
without the benefit of cable get Divorce Court, The
Peoples Court, and even more poor white trash stupid
people court shows) 11:00
– My cue that I should be getting ready. Some
women’s issues show, and Working (an underrated,
biting satirical look at life in the offices of corporate
America, very underrated, and died long before its time.)
Now,
that’s how a normal day should go, but alas dear
readers, if today was a normal day, I wouldn’t be
writing this. First
off all, spent a very emotional evening on the phone with
my Kat. Our conversations are always deeply
emotional, since there is such a powerful bond between us.
It was at time intense, passionate, painful, brutally
honest, eye opening, introspective and deep. It was
necessary, but very draining. So draining in fact,
that I forgot to set my alarm clock, and thus set into
motion a series of events that would spell the downfall
of my sanity Exhaustion is setting in, yet insomnia and anxiety rip through my body like a bullet train. Is she still up, I need to talk to her, I read her journal..I hope she calls. No sleep for the Jer until she does, maybe the writing will help the venting..an outlet, for what flows out my head, sometimes my fingers cannot keep up, the madness fuels me onward I awake at just a shade before 11, no time to check email, play with my fantasy teams (6 in Yahoo, 2 in Smallworld, 1 in Sandbox, 1 in ESPN) for I still have to drop movies off (unwatched, of course..hush K) eat breakfast, get ready, and be “on the phones” in an hour and a half. Out
of bed, into the shower, snarf down some toast and jelly,
with a glass of OJ (these are not your children!) brush
my teeth, shave, and clothes..oh jeez, need clothes I
guess. Nudity, although I cannot be seen, would be
frowned upon under corporate dress guidelines. Find
my clothes (thank goodness for casual dress code, when
the mercury pops over triple digits, its nice to be in
shorts, even if the outdoors exposure is limited) Now,
lunch..lunch, leftover pizza, of course, (wrap it up…I’ll
take it, wrap it uppp) Out
the door..keys, keys, keys..sheesh, those would help.
Counter, no, nightstand, no, desk, no..yesterdays clothes,
into the dirty clothes pile we go, Keys, Wallet, ID Badge,
yeah, those would all be really helpful. 11:40,
pushing it now. Hot,
is not the proper word to describe what the day feels
like. Heavy, wearing, exhausting, that’s
closer. Inside my car, could rival the great
steamrooms of Japan. I have no room to lose any
weight, but I’m sure I could have. To the
video store, 11:50, thanking the heavens for the
invention of drop boxes. Then, onto the Interstate,
11:55, the 25-30 minute trek to work begins Clack,
clack, clack clack, what the hell is that?? Exit,
gas station, wonderful, my front tail light has decided
to finally dislodge itself. Push it back in, hope
it stays..whoa..my windshield is filthy! Gotta fix that.. 12:10,
half way to work, almost, back on the road again. Traffic
is not being very cooperative, finally, it thins out, my
wits are beginning to fray, my mind is still on her.
I want her, I need her, I’ve screwed up, I messed up the best thing to ever happen to me, what the hell was looking for, looking at, I never wanted it, I wanted her..why was looking, when I had what I wanted, when the hell am I gonna grow up, like she said, mature, realize that she is what I can have..she is what I want..have I lost her, I can’t live without her, I can’t share her, her heart belongs to me, and mine to her, time..honesty, openness, simplicity, the journey continues CRAP! The orange cones from hell snap me back to reality, my temples begin to throb, my sunglasses are at work, my AC is being temperamental, and now construction, as if these jerkoffs needed another reason to drive slow. 12:18, and I still haven’t made the interchange, this is not getting pretty. Finally,
12:22, freedom again, down the homestretch, 5 miles from
my destination..whoops, cop, braaaaakesss…howdy
mister police ossifer. (You are f*ing with my
timetable) nice hot day eh? 12:28,
the exit for work, radio up higher (Here in my car, I
feel safest of all (yeah right)) more orange cones, more
slow drivers, 12:30, parking lot. Time to run now,
can’t get docked pat (lovely new work policies, I
will dance a freaking jig, the day I leave this place, if
I didn’t have to eat, drive and have a roof, I
wouldn’t need this place) Running inside, 12:34..already
pushing it, up the stairs, behind the lollygaggers from
lunch..come on ladies..some of us have to BE somewhere.
To my desk, log in, but not on, sign in, sit down, and *ding
ding. The fun begins. Everyone’s
grumpy, present company included..why are my sinuses
throbbing, great, a cold that’s all I need. Why
is this woman yelling at me, why can’t Oriental man
understand what I’m telling, why is the rich guy
speaking in condescending tones..is it break time yet?? Finally,
throwing my headset down, walking away..I need breath,
reality, a break, these people are lined up to get on my
last nerve today. Check my mail box, oh, lovely,
something else I did wrong, more angry people at me.
Why is my boss looking at me funny. Is everyone
else getting these grumpy calls too? Why can’t
these people let me do my crossword and eat my Cheezits
in peace! Break
time, oops, one last call, this better be quick..crud, my
systems freezing, what does this guy want. Questions,
oh, and this, and what about this, and this..it never
ends. I need water..no, need caffeine. Fill
my coffee cup, and hot chocolate mix, make my poor mans
mocha (who needs Starbucks), 20 more minutes, then
helpdesk, sit there, answer calls, edit my review, read
the paper, crosswords. Oh wait, new class on the
floor, the flooding calls, great. Mid
call, something about suing us, go figure, spin my chair
around..what was that sound? Ah, nice, my coffee
cup took a running leap for it. Now my beverage
adorns the carpet. Is this day over yet?? The
rest of the day blurred by. Faceless callers,
pointless questions, throbbing headache. Hey, doesn’t
The Big Kahuna come out today? I need to see that
again. Mental note, figure out the lesser of the
video store late fees, and rent. Unfulfilling
lunch, cant sit outside, my brain will melt, coast
through the rest of the day, forget to move my car.
Too long of a walk, do you know how demoralizing it is to
have it be daylight when you come in, and nighttime when
you come out. Ahhh, homeward bound at…oops,
lovely, need gas. Now..homeward bound, baseball
game on? Whoa, we’re winning, stop the
freaking…exit, video store. The
first thing that goes smoothly, rent movies, Big Kahuna,
My Dog Skip, looks cute, time for home, a Totino’s
calls. My
brain is exhausted, home, pizzafilled, headaching, even
the meds don’t make me sleepy. I’m awake,
awaiting, reading her journal, over and over, staring at
her pics, over and over, kissing her, touching her, in
the dark. All
this starts over, sooner than I think. May not seem
that bad to you, but then again, you’re not me,
count yourself lucky at that. 4:35 am, why even
bother sleeping. Not that I could, can she still be
on the phone?? The night ends, the day begins, after awhile, it all blurs together, in a see of emotions, images, and voices, pulled towards the light by her. Sleep all, enjoy the dreams.
|
