8/30/00 Soundtrack: deafening silence, early morning sounds Visuals: The glow of the monitor Time: 3:30 am She
says its over, the doors she wanted opened, have been
closed, locked forever. I
don’t believe it, I can’t, and I won’t..not
now, not ever Until
my dying breath, whether it be near, or far, I will never
settle for anything less than her. She
is my perfection, my everything, all I ever want, all I
ever need The
nightmare that has haunted my brief moments of slumber
has come unceremoniously crashing into reality. The
false, frail house of cards which my so-called life was
built upon, has collapsed under the truth and reality of
things. Never to be rebuilt, without her. Without
her, nothing matters. Without her, life ends.
I’ve made mistakes, admitted to them, and been cast
away. Through my own fear and shame, which I guess
are unforgivable, I have been banished to a life of
loneliness, regret, of living in visions and dreams
instead of the reality and perfection that I know can
exist. I
admitted my mistakes, my fear of admitting who I was,
what I felt, those things which are not a part of who I
am, but a part of who I was Things
can never change, it’s a matter of time she says.
So is rebuilding, so is reestablishing. Rome, and
the perfect relationship were not built in a day. The
foundation exists, the attraction is obvious, the bond is
undeniable, yet my faults are unforgiveable. Why??
Why!! My
hesistancy, and failure to reveal, results in this, the
ultimate in emptiness. The worst pain that anyone
could ever endure. Self induced, or not, it will
stay with me, burrowing deeper into my heart and soul
with each passing day. Until she comes back, or I
die. Plain and simple The
empty shell that is my life, the darkest dreams that
invade my soul, consume me, become me. Starting
now, and continuing. My
life, as I know it, is over. My hollow, empty
existence begins. Without
her, I am nothing. I am noone. I am a
monument to mistakes, a castoff and example of how not to
be. I am what I always thought everyone would
perceive me as. A
person not worthy of drawing breath, gaining life only
from hers. A
person who pretended to be something they were not, only
now to be haunted upon discovering who he really is. Empty Gone Forever,
not caring, not feeling, not loving, just being, numb,
careless, pointless wandering lost amidst the happy souls,
anxiously awaiting her return. Her forgiveness, her
chance at what we can be. What
I know, what I want, what I believe, the only thing I
know. She
says it over, if she means my love for her, then no, that
will never die If
she means my soul, and life without her. Then yes, that
is over. Why
even be here Why
even go on I
can’t I
won’t Without her |
