9/03/00 Soundtrack: Cross My Heart, Don't Take Her, She's All I've Got, Obsession, Passion, What A Wonderful World, No Ordinary Love Visuals: Tennessee vs Buffalo, the darkness and emptiness that is my existence Time: 9:30 pm The fuse has been lit. Reality fades and melts into the nightmare, crashing around me. Sometimes, the littlest thing to one person, can trigger an incredible reaction in another. The fate of a colt, and 78 days or so. A thankful fate, that intervened once again as it has before. An impending journey, into something that she could, and would never do with me. I thank the equine fate, and vow that within those days, the only thing missing between us shall change, and we shall be complete. It has to, and will happen, or me, and my soul, will die. The fuse of my sanity has been ignited So this is what madness feels like. Cold, alone, empty, intense amounts of energy racing through my veins They say you don’t know what you’ve got til its gone, the double edged meaning in that phrase reaks of irony. My sweet angel Katarina – I know what I have in her, everything I’ve ever wanted. The only thing missing was the physicality. The touch, created in our minds, the visions, emblazoned on our souls. It is an inevitability, that caused impatience on my part. It was a mistake. It was my greatest regret. I wanted something to touch, ignorantly forgetting that even if I found something, it would not have everything she has. She
is beautiful, inside and out, a soul molded from an angel,
caring, honest, open, trusting, yet vulnerable, emotional
and human. Oh God is she sexy and passionate to levels beyond description in words;our nights of love making contain more sensuality, heat, intensity and passion than most couples could ever dream. She is taunting, vulnerable, hungry, sometimes she wants to be held, and others, she wants to be taken. Her passion carries into her work and play as well. She loves movies like I do, loves to watch cartoons and Lucy, is content staying home eating Totino’s and coloring, as she is dancing the night away to a Latin beat, in outfits that leave little to the imagination. She has a playful, sometimes devious sense of humor that pervades itself into every aspect of her life. She opens her arms, and heart, and takes away all of my fears. She is the first person that I am not afraid to tell anything too about who I am, even though the one thing that she knew already, about wanting to meet her, and touch her, led me to the biggest mistake I ever made. That was a different person though That was a demon I have exorcised, an evil darkness that clouded my rational thought. A part of my past, that will never go away, that I am moving forward from. Feelings I am ashamed of, a past that I am scared of Now, I rediscover who I am, what I am. Only one thing is clear to me, I want only her. I love only her, I need only her. She doesn’t believe me, I can respect that, but she will. Our love is too strong, the wounds can heal, with forgiveness, slowly, but surely, taking us back to where fate has destined us to belong. Together, forever. She has everything I’ve ever wanted. All of my past relationships have been a series of but’s. She’s cute, BUT she doesn’t like movies really. She’s smart, BUT has no sense of humor She’s sexy, BUT is not that intelligent or articulate She’s easy to talk to BUT cannot reciprocate the communications I was attracted to them, happy at times, but never complete, until I met Kat. The way she makes me feel is nearly indescibible. When she’s around, I feel relaxed, wanted, needed, loved. A smile on my face that hurts in the most pleasurable way. A warmth in my heart that no fire could recreate. Her touch lights a flame inside me, that I don’t want to extinguish, and only want to feed by consuming her, sharing my passion with her, inside her, around her. Her words reach deep inside my heart and soul, holding, caressing, loving, making me want to do whatever I have to, in order to keep her. ” You make me wanna be a better person” 1 When she’s not around, I feel it physically. As soon as she says goodbye, I miss her and want her back, more than I can express. I yearn, hunger and anticipate the next time we will be together, my love, desire and passion, carrying me through. An energy races through me, I get giddy, goofy, I make people nauseous when I talk about her, because I throw all of my emotion into whatever comes out of my mouth about her. The words never do justice to the feelings, they are too deep, too intense, too real, and give me a happiness that is indescribable, but that I will spend every living day for the rest of my life, showing her, letting her know. That I love her, I will always love only her, and years from now, when we are sitting together, on a porch, watching a sunset, cursing our kids for never calling, we can hold each others hand, looking into each others eyes, seeing the maps of a life spent together in each others faces, and know that no words need be said, that our hearts communicate everything, and our memories will continue to feed the passions in our souls, for eternity. “we’ve got the promise of our love…to keep us warm” 2 Why then, are we in this predicament, where she feels that its over, that we can never be more than friends? Because I was stupid, because I scared, because I was ashamed of who I was, of what I felt. I was lying, to myself, about what was right. I, unfairly, did not give her the chance to judge and know those things about me. She knows now, the past which I now am leaving behind me, the feelings, mistakes, shame and fear, are gone, and replaced with a desire to discover who I am, and what I want in life. Only one thing is clear. I want her, I need her, and I will do everything in my power, with all that I have, and all that I am, to have her. She's everything in life I'll ever need
She is life when I want to live
She's everything to me in life that life can give
She's my water when I need a drink
She's the first thought in my mind
Each time I try to think
She's my fingers when I want to feel
She's the only thing in life to me that's really real
She is love she's all the love I know
She could kiss the ground in wintertime
And make a flower grow 3
I love you my Katarina. Forever my angel, as long it takes, we will, and shall be together, nothing, and noone can change the path that fate has laid before us. 1- Courtesy of As Good As It Gets
2- Courtesy of George Strait “Cross My Heart”
3- Courtesy of Tracy Byrd “Don’t Take Her, She’s All I’ve Got”
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