9/03/00 Soundtrack: Cross My Heart, Don't Take Her, She's All I've Got, Obsession, Passion, What A Wonderful World, No Ordinary Love Visuals: Tennessee vs Buffalo, the darkness and emptiness that is my existence Time: 9:30 pm Insanity
it seems, has got me by my soul to squeeze. Where all the
love from me, All
rational thought has left my head. When I came home
tonight, I had visions of seeing Kat today, and for a
date tonight with her, I had reviews for 3 movies
bouncing around in my head, along with my Fugue project
and the movies I needed to rent for my class project, all
galloping around in the space. Now,
5 hours, 180 miles, and one large breakfast later, the
only thing on my mind is her, and us. I got in my car, because being here was driving me to the brink of frustrated helpless madness. I wanted to, as she says sometimes, go sit at the bottom of the pool. Instead, I just got in my car, and drove. I drove west, I drove towards her, with no particular destination, but at least every foot I traveled in that direction would bring us closer. I lost track of time, of space, of distance, next thing I knew I was somewhere in the middle of Kansas on Interstate 70, but I really didn’t care. I kept driving, every song on the radio was speaking to me, some preaching, some recalling memories, some ringing the painful lessons. But I kept driving. The vision burned in my mind, the words racing like a greyhound inside me, not just through my mind, but flowing through every inch of my being. Is this the pain that will teach me the lesson, is this the sins of my past coming back to haunt me, is this what growing pains feel like? It hurts, and not just like when you stub your toe of scratch your arm on a nail. This hurt goes all the way to the core, burrowing inside the depths of your soul, pervading every inch, racing through your veins and becoming you. Make it stop, make it stopppppppp. How do I make it stop, her..she can make it stop, her words, her touch, yet, her heart is with another, that is where the pain comes in. The realization that my sins, my actions, my misguided error and fear, has driven her into the arms, and heart of another, when she belongs with me. “You
may ask yourself Is
this my punishment? Is this the prison that my
mistakes have built? If we do not end up together,
however long it may take, then she will be my albatross,
my raven, gently rapping, haunting every inch of my soul,
for every waking, and sleeping hour. Tonight, she
is in the arms of her best friend, her closest confidant,
sharing a special and wonderful evening. Does it
bother me, yes of course it does, I guess I’ve
always been uncomfortable with her relationship with him
over the years. But I have come to accept it, not
like it, but to accept and respect that he is a very
important part of her life. Tonight, I hope that
she feels as special as she is, as loved as she is, and
the night and evening is as she wishes it to be. I’d
be lying if I didn’t say I was jealous, but I’ve
always felt, somewhere inside, that something was going
to happen between them. She knows what she wants,
and I respect that, she knows what she feels, and I
respect that. So, my angel, I hope that all is well
with you this morning, and that all went as you wanted it
too. Back
to me, when the maddening flow subsided inside me, I was
in a city called Topeka, the state capital. It was
about 3:30 am I believe, or something, my stomach
grumbling, the fear in my mind; what I lose her to him,
what if she goes there, and never comes back, why am I so
stupid to not see what she is, what she has to give, how
she loves, how she loved ME, how I was too scared to let
her inside, how was afraid to admit that I had faults I
pulled my car over, in a parking lot, at a Denny’s,
and I screamed I screamed, a medieval, primal, therapeutic scream which came from somewhere inside me that I can’t really identify. Deep inside my soul, the pain of realization, the pain of the loss, the pain of the visions of the future, without her. Is this what growing pains feel like? Is this what it means when I say “if it didn’t hurt, you wouldn’t learn from it?” I’ve said those words so many times to people. I know the truth and basis behind them, but now, I am feeling them, but is it too little, and too late. I hope, with every beat of my heart, and every inch of my soul, that its not. We are working on rebuilding, recreating, rediscovering what we are, what we have, and what we can have together. It will take time, but we have to let it run its course. I believe it will work, I know how I see and want it to be, and end up. I just hope she can see inside my heart, now that I’ve bared it, opened my soul and everything I am, completely, and totally. I need her, I want her, I believe in her, I trust her with my heart, I trust in her, and her decisions, I respet her, admire her, and most of all, I love her, with all of my being. "I don't know much, but I know I love you, that may be, all there is to know - 3 I had a prolonged breakfast, at the Denny’s, in silence. No one I knew, in no place I knew. I was a nobody, in nowhere, and it was just where I needed to be at that point in time. Away, to deal with my thoughts, and emotions, to just be. It didn’t really help. The food filled my stomach, but the rest of me still ached, unbelievably, indescribably. It still does. I came home, a long slow drive, seeing where, and how far I’d come this time. Both in driving, and in life. I have begun the rediscovery of who I am, I have started the journey towards taking responsibility for who I am, and being honest with myself in what I want. Is it too late? Have I lost her? With every inch of my being, I hope not, but I cannot rest, cannot stop, cannot do anything else, until its known. Sleep, is just a memory to me, the words in my previously, have been lost, drowned out. My only thoughts, my only wishes, my only desires, my only needs are on my angel. My journey to her, our journey together, our fate predestined, however slow, and patient, continues. I have always feared that the sins of my past, would come back to haunt me - 4 1- Courtesy of "Soul To Squeeze" - Red Hot Chili Peppers 2- Courtesy of “Once In A Lifetime” - Talking Heads 3- Courtesy of "Don't Know Much" - Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville 4- Courtesy of The Patriot |
