9/11/00

Soundtrack: the sound of her voice, her laughter

Visuals: the real moonlight

Time: 1:00 am

Where do I fit in? What is my role, my purpose, my meaning to her?  I used to be her everything, the one she wanted, the plans for the future, the love, the destiny, the only one she wanted, and needed.  But I was scared, as I’ve said before.  Too scared to show her the real me.  I showed her the glimpses, my feelings for her were, and still are, true, genuine, real as  the cracks into my room as I type this.  She showed me everything, I was scared to do the same at the time.  I knew I would..someday, someday.  Now, things have changed for her, and for me.  I am scared no more, I am afraid not of who I am, but of who I was.  That fear has pushed her away, made her draw back, and has led her into the arms of another, though mine were not the only circumstances that led her to him.  She, like me, is on a journey of discovery and rediscovery.  She seeks to find what, and who she wants in life, admit it to herself, and do what she has to get it.  I respect that, I understand that, but I also know, that I can be what she wants.  I’ve unfairly asked for patience, something she cannot give me right now.  I’ve asked for promises, that she cannot make at this time.  But they are still things that must be said, must be known, because they are a part of who I am, a part of what I want, and what she needs to know about me.  I’ve hidden parts of myself from her for too long, and the damage may already be done, nonetheless, I still believe, still know, with all my heart, that my feelings are the one thing that never changed.  The hiding of the others, caused her to doubt any words I say, anything I feel, any actions I take, that is something that I have to hope that time will indeed change.  I know it can, and my journey will continue.

For now, I remain an outsider, ne’er a mention amidst her life anymore, a self-created exile and banishment that I will spend my life trying to extract myself from, by my normal reactions and feelings.  The pain I feel, when I read her words, is more real, and intense than any I’ve ever felt.  However, I have no one to blame but myself for being here, thusly, I am the only one who can get myself out. 

Her words to him, her passions, her photos, her heart drawing closer to him everyday, slam daggers into my very existence, but they were daggers that I handed her, and I must take every one, and gain strength from the knowledge which armed her.  I must build up my tolerance through honesty, with her, and with myself.  The honesty and reality of me, that I know is inside, but that I’ve been afraid to communicate for so long.

I shall goto her, I shall be here for her, I shall love her, I shall need her, want her, and only her, for as long as I shall be.  Our journey together has come so far, yet has so far to go.  I am driving now, I have the control, I just have to hope and pray that she will see me, see our journey, and follow me because she wants to, not just because I need her to.

The pain inside me eats away, every second, every moment, every day, yet still..the journey continues on..