9/19/00

Soundtrack:Crazy (Seal), Possession, I Go Crazy, Everything is Wonderful

Time: 11:00 am

It has been a maddening week, mostly inside my head and body.  A week that is soothed only by the sound of her voice, the softness of her touch and the gentle peace and warmth that her love brings.  It has been a week filled with grumpy people at work (me being chief amongst them), but mostly it has been a torturous time within my soul.  My self-created exile of pain and darkness is now manifesting itself into physical forms, and mental images.  The migraines are more frequent, pounding, stabbing, shooting through every inch of me, and incapacitating me.  The medicine is only a stopgap, never a cure, just something to keep me complacent, like a child’s pop-up book on a long journey, it keeps me quiet and calm, but it doesn’t stop the journey. it just makes at least bearable.  Then there are the stomach problems, and now, another official sign of old age, my heart and blood pressure problems.  These are all compounded, and brought out, during the nightmares.  Yes, I’d delayed a bit in mentioning them, because they are the peaks of the madness.  I can never remember quite what the details of each is, but I do recall they involve competitions, a struggle to do something, yet the harder I try, the farther the goal gets from me.  I believe the other nights was a Jeopardy-style trivia contest where I answered the questions right and still lost points.  Others I believed involved races, where I run and run, and never get anywhere.  Still others, which inexplicably involved blood, lots of blood and pain, and screaming. The only thing that is clear, is that when I awake from the dreams, my heart is racing, about to explode out of my chest, my body is shaking, and all I want is the comfort and peace of her arms, her touch, her love.  There is a darkness that exists inside me, I cannot and have not denied that, I am not proud of it, but it is there.  The child of my past mistakes, to haunt me, and remind of what not to do again.  The manifestation of these emotions that I cannot understand.  Yet amidst the darkness, as I cower in the corner, there is a light.  A small sliver of ever expanding warmth and sunshine that peeks through the madness.  I run for it, grasping madly, bathing myself in it, the light of my angel, the voice that crawls inside me, flows through me, envelopes me, my only escape, my only happiness, my forever love.

Last night, was an example.  Late night, awaiting her return from an evening with her friends, she had returned to have some time to herself I guess, working on her site and journal.  I didn’t want to read it, but I had to, the darkness had already been lurking outside the door to my soul, but then reading those words, feeling that pain, that madness swoop over me again, it returned.  I needed her; I was falling, spiraling, out of control.  Then, a hand reaches out, the ring of the phone, her voice on the other end, and the warmth began to return.   But I had to open up, no more hiding from myself, no more hiding what’s inside me to her.  She will know the real me, the me who can give her that forever happiness and love that she deserves.  I scared her, but she stayed, love kept us together, she held me, at my weakest points, took care of me, as she can so well.   Then, we made love so deep, so passionate, so real and true, so intense, all of our pent up emotions, frustrations, anger, and love, released, as we cherished and ravaged each other’s bodies.  So slow and gentle, yet passionate, loving and perfect. 

For the first time all week, sleep, came restful, her love and arms around my heart and soul kept the demons of dreamland away, as she kept me in her paradise.  Yes, we have a long way to go to regain what we had, but the journey, our journey, together, continues on The journey is long, the road is rocky, but hand in hand, heart in heart, together, forever, we will make it. I know what I want when I grow up, I know what I want when I find myself, it is her, it always has been, I am no longer afraid to admit that I am human to her, and to bare and share my soul. Together, always, my angel. I love you too.