9/25/00 Visuals: dizzying, commercialized imagery of depressing news stories Soundtrack:Closer (NIN), Everything is Wonderful, Side 2:Pink Floyd, The Wall Time: 11:30 pm The words echo and scream in my head, so haunting, so fitting, so true I
close my eyes when I get too sad Amidst the self-imposed, self-created permanent darkness that is my life, moments of light, sunshine, promise and hope occur. The sound of her voice, the joy of her laugh, the energy of her smile, the impassioning flow that runs through my body at her gentle, yet wild touch. She is, and always will be, my angel, my forever, my passion and desire. And yet, I am still imprisoned. I built the bars out of my own fear of who I was. I created the walls, out of my shame of my thoughts and actions. Can I escape? Not without her, outside the cell, she is my only existence, but I am forever locked up. She has heard my words before, and cannot believe them. The boy who cried wolf, and was afraid to be a man, is locked away in his deserving solitude. She has the key, but won't use it, for fear of me returning to the facade of who I was. Trust. It is the easiest thing to lose, and the hardest thing to rebuild. I know in my heart, that she is my only one. I feel it in the very depths of who I am, and who I want to be. But she can see everything except that. I've given her no reason in my past not to. I've hidden who I was from her, scared of her reaction. I've kept my true self locked away, for fear of exposure to ridicule, torment and reality. Now, when my eyes are open, hers are locked shut, she says in so many words, that she's seen enough, to know that she's seen too much (thank you League of Their Own) She will never completely believe the one true thing that I now know in my heart. The one thing, that rebuilt over time, with the foundation of love, passion and desire for each that shows in our touch, shows when we make love, when we kiss, or just when our eyes reach into one anothers soul. I
don't wanna hear you say My journey out of this darkness begins, and ends with her. Noone else in between. I don't want it. I don't want them. She tells me this is a phase, and that if I just let my self, I will find what I truly seek. I say, why seek, when it is found. My searching of the past were futile, immature attempts to hang onto a life that wasn't mine. I made decisions based on what I thought I wanted, what everyone told me I should have. The blame lies not as much in the tellers, but in the fact that I believed and followed blindly, without thinking, without questioning. Now that my eyes are open, now that my true self is coming out. There is no denying where the journey of my heart goes. Fate has predestined it for us. All that's left is to follow the path it has laid down for us. The path that we both feel. The feelings that I am no longer afraid to admit. The feelings that still exist inside, but that she can't let out, for fear of being hurt again. I wish she could see, I wish she'd let herself see, let those feelings inside out. I also know that I am responsible for her defensive measures. She is protecting her heart, but time will show the truth.Without her, without us, the darkness continues to envelope my body, my mind, my soul. Sprialing out of control, moments, turning to hours, huddled in the corner, shaking, scared to sleep, dreams of pain, chases, bloodshed, waiting in lines, competitions. Stabbing migraines bringing it all into reality. My only escape, my only cure, is her love, her touch, my angel, my Kat, my forever. I will always love you, I do always need you, I miss you when your gone, anticipate our next encounters, and yearn for your touch and kiss. Time, truth, and fate are our guides. The journey to my angel, the journey towards our forever, continues on.
(Everything is Wonderful, Everclear, 2000) |
