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09/26/01 - 1:10 am

The shock has worn off, the pain and scars never will.  Now is the time for healing and retribution.  Now is the time for reflection over where we’ve been, and foresight into where we’re going.  The lessons will be many, the path will be long, but necessary, and in the end, we will be stronger, more united, wiser, and a better nation for it.  The greatest lesson to be learned, I believe, is one that applies to all aspects of life, relevant in mine especially.  The lesson of not taking things for granted.  Not friendships, not freedoms, not family, nothing! 

America has awakened, finally, with sharp, harsh wake up call of these religiously motivated madmen.  It took a group of twenty something atypical zealots from around the cradle of creation, to wake this country up, and make it realize, as few had before, how good we have it here.  We have freedom, and others envy it.  We have unity, when motivated, to do anything.  It just takes extreme measures, from persecution and oppression, to dead on attacks on our own, to make us realize how fucking wonderful our country, and its citizens, really are.  Be proud to wave a flag.  Be proud to go out and vote.  Sing your national anthem, know the words to it, and your pledge of allegiance.  I hate to say it, but these madmen had something we have, but never show. An intense love for a cause or belief.  However misguided, stupid and vicious, they were willing to die for it.  How many Americans could have said that before September 11th, very few, even those in our Armed Forces I dare say.  I can say that, because I used to be one of them.  I served my country, in times of peace, and war, never believing, nor never sure, if I would truly be willing to die for what I said I believed in.  As I usually do, I said the words, even convinced myself that I believed them, but I don’t think I truly did. For as great a country as we claim to be, we lacked the national pride and patriotism that so many other countries were light years ahead of us in.  These madmen delivered a painfully vicious wake-up call that I’m sad to say we needed.  Let’s not it die.  For those who are missing and dead, we cannot, ever again, let our guard, or our love of what we have down.  We cannot take for granted what we have.  If you don’t realize what we have, then read this following quote, and understand it’s meaning. 

“We don’t appreciate what we have, until its not available to us, or taken away from us” 

I have witnessed, and been a part of societies that would die to be able to do as we do, be where we are, have the chances that we have.  And yet what do we do, we pissed it away, taking for granted that it would be there at our luxury and leisure.  Well guess what folks, wake the fuck up, and keep your eyes open this time.  We don’t have it as good as we think, because what’s the good in having something, if you don’t take advantage of it. 

The changes that these horrific events have brought about will be long lasting and far reaching I hope. As I rode down the street the other day, fixing one of those "normal" occurences in my life that used to be large, flags flying and waving, ribbons worn, donations being taken.  The speech by President Bush the other night, the concert of unity amongst those perceived as vain and uncaring as a whole, the outpourings of money, the acts of selfless patriotism, compassion and concurrently take my breath away and touch me to the very core of my being..am I being a bit dramatic? maybe but this is a time for extremes, extreme actions call for extreme reactions and words, and these are mine.

Right now, there are no more Republicans or Democrats, but there will be again.  There are no liberals or conservatives, just minds, hearts and souls united together, as they should be  Galvanized by actions intended to divide, bonded by tragedy and showing why we indeed are the greatest country in the world.  It has been said over and over, but I believe it cannot be said enough.  I am proud to be an American.  I have served my country, in peace and in war.  I, like most, had become lax in my freedoms and securities that this country provides.  I'd like to say that this won't happen again, to me, or to anyone.  I pray that it doesn't, but I fear that it will.  Please America, be proud of the flag, be proud of what it represents, and be proud to be an American!

 

But then there are those things that make me ashamed, even in this time of great patriotic fervor.  There are those heartless bastards who take advantage of need by falsely representing themselves in order to make a buck.  There are those “entrepreneurs” who try to capitalize for their own greedy self gain, by hiking prices in order to make a quick buck at a wounded nations expense.  I damn you all to the hell you deserve for this.  We are an open and giving people, but also gullible in the fulfillment of a necessary area of need.  I damn those idiots who threaten with bombs, or violence, for what I gain I will never understand.  This is a sensitive time, and at least those assholes I mentioned above are in it for their own twisted financial gain.  What is your motivation?? Attention, go stand naked in the middle of main street, that should do it.  Self gratification? Go rent one of those movies behind the little red curtain and stay out of my fucking way.  A cheap thrill? Why not set some flaming dog crap on a porch and chuckle.  Why do you need to take advantage of a situation by pissing in an already gaping social wound, and making us, as a nation cower more into a corner.  I will not let you win, and no punishment can be harsh enough.  Finally, there are those uneducated heathens who strike out based on ethnic or aesthetic appearance of belief.  Do not hate someone or punish them, based on their country of origin, or worship of choice.  This makes you no better than the people who did this.  There were Arabics who were killed, or are missing.  There are Afghanis, Pakistanis, Iraqis, all of whom are also Americans, who grieve along side us, hurt along with us, and desire retribution, and a peaceful fulfillment of their own American dream.  Don’t punish them based on where their birthplace is on a map, judge them on their actions, please, its what made America the melting pot that is.  Our open arms, which these madmen have tried to close.  Don’t let them.  My words are angry, and I am screaming them at the screen, so please listen, and please heed them.  Do it for me, do it for those who are helping us through, do it for those who will never have the chance or choice to do it again.  Remember them this way, amongst others.

 

Now, onto a more personal note, since the words are coming out of me.  She is my best friend in the world.  She knows me better than anyone has, and ever will.  We have had our good times, and bad, our happy times, and sad, but through it all, we’ve always been there for each other.  I think that is partially why I foolishly have taken her for granted, undeservedly so.  I know she is there, and always will be.  I know she loves me, and always will, yet sometimes, I foolishly assume too much.  I assume that by doing nothing, or just figuring something, that she will still be there.  But love and friendship have their basis in several aspects, honesty, communication, sharing, and mutual respect and priority.  Somehow, via my own ambivalent assumptions, I take for granted that she will be there, and when she’s not, I misguide my frustrations.  In actuality, its my own misguided priorities that push her away, undeservedly.  She doesn’t ask for my full attention, she doesn’t ask to be smothered.  She does ask to be respected, to be cared for, to be loved, all of which she deserves, more than any woman I know.  Sometimes, I slack, I lose focus, and I need a shock to my system.  The sound of her voice, slightly hurt, even a little, snaps my lackadaisical nature awake, and makes me realize what a fool I’ve been.  But she’s so wonderful, that she accepts it, wounded slightly, but never deterred, she’s always there, always be.  That’s one of the many reasons I love her, and always will.  Thank you my angelKat, thank you, for showing me the way, lighting the path, taking my hand, leading me down it, touching my heart, and always being there.

But she’s right, she has handled me with kid gloves, when I need to be handled with iron ones.  She has coddled me, stroked my ego, sympathetically, but holding back slightly, from the truth that she’s also right in stating that I already knew.  I am lazy, I am arrogant, I am not smart, just knowledgeable.   A lack of arrogance would make me fight harder to get out of where I am.  Motivation would make me change those things about myself that I whine about not liking.  Intelligence would be knowing not only what is wrong about my life, but doing something about it.  My life is where it is because of noone else but myself, and my own doing, or lack thereof. My arrogance is in settling for what I am, and accepting things as they are, while denying things as they could be.  I say that I want, the big things, but overlook the little steps it takes to get there.  I use these very words to vent my simplistic frustrations which are of my own manifestation and not caused by anything else.  To realize our true value, must we lose it all, have nowhere else to turn, and then see what happens? Do we fight to find ourselves and our own way out? Or do we give up, accept things as they are, and live day by day in a comfortable, but unhappy existence.  This is what I do, and I continue to make excuses and feeble attempts, in this arrogance, for why I am.  The truth is, I am where I am, because of what I have done.  No amount of words, or promises can change that.  I have lost myself, but then again, did I ever find myself.  Have I ever known who I was? Or have I just accepted where I am.  I don’t like myself, but who do I have to blame for that?  My family, nope, they’ve always told me that I could and should do more, but haven’t really chastised me for doing what I have, believing that I was happy.  My friends, not really, because save her, they’ve all just gone along with what I do, believing, as I do, my own hype that I’m actually trying to get better.  The fact is that I give cursory attempts at trying, aiming at insurmountable goals, while missing the simple ones.  Why am I so financially irresponsible?  Why am I in a job that I don’t like, besides for sustinence and survival.  Because I choose to be, because it’s the simple way, because despite all of my protestations, I choose to do nothing to forsake them.  I have taken my own life for granted, because its what came easiest.  I have accepted things as they happened to me, accepted circumstances as fate has responded to my reactions, then believed that this fate was out of my control, when it was of my own direct result.  The freedom of choice, something America offers like no other country, is at my disposal.  I am free to walk the streets, to vote, to get an education, to love whom I want, feel what I want, and believe what I want.  Dammit Jerry, snap out of this self pity crap.  Quit trying so hard to make people like you, because they wont as long as you do.  Quit whining about your problems and do something about them.  Quit talking all this talk, just like you’re doing here and take some action, for Christ sakes.  Don’t do this for anyone, do it for your goddamned self.  She’s right, you know she is, her words hurt, even stung, but you know why they did?  Because they were right, and as usual, you knew they were, but in your overabundance of stupidity, you choose to do the barefucking minimum about them.  My words are slowing down, so I’ll shut up, but I will not give up.  I will not say the words, as talk is cheap and empty, if the actions don’t reflect it.  I don't know, and don't care if what I said makes sense to you, because what you think isn't as important as what I know.  Just try and understand.  

Am I angry now, yes, at myself more than anyone because I have created where I am, and stayed here because I choose to be content and wallow in my own pity, rather than doing what it takes to get out of it, then make excuses why I'm still here.  But I took things for granted, people, freedoms, and choices that I have.  I want to say that I'm going to change, but saying it doesn't mean shit.  Doing it does.  Where will I go from here, I don't know, but she has awakened me to what I already claimed to know.  It's my call from here, as its always been, and always will be.  I'm done now, back to your lives, as I start to fix mine.  Good day, and God Bless America.

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