9/28/00 - 10:00 pm Visuals: still just the darkness, faint echoes of reality Soundtrack:I'll Be (Edwyn McCain), Hold on My Heart (Phil Collins) Kashmir (Led Zeppelin) The movie The Cell, while wholly unoriginal, but visually stunning and ultimately viscerally stimulating and entertaining (can't tell I write movie reviews can ya?) presented an interesting point about sanity. What would look like if you could see inside the mind of a madman. Stemming from that, how can we honestly and correctly communicate that maddening overflow of thoughts that run through our heads every day. Isn't that why some of us have retreated to the Internet, or just to the world of journals, to open up our head, and just let the madness out? What is my point? What follows, are the rambling, probably incoherent thoughts of a man, on the outside at least (a boy on the inside) who is clinging to sanity with every last bit of energy he has, but losing the battle. The slide is not pretty, nor are what runs around in my head, and haunts my every thought and existence. There is a fine line between sanity, and insanity. That's obvious. The littlest thing, a word, a song, a vision, an intensified emotion created by a work related situation, life issue, or just that idiot that forgot what that little flashing light on the back of his car was for. How far into the darkness must we travel, before we start to come out of it. My answer? Those of us on that journey are also heading deeper into the abyss, while at the same time making progress out of it. Confused? Ponder these two bits of completely unrelated information. Q:How far can
you travel into a forest Every minute that ticks by in an evening takes us deeper into it, while bringing us closer to getting out of it. I'll let you do with those things what you may. My point is this. My life now, is a journey. A journey of rediscovery, a journey of maturation, a journey of eye-opening revelations and shame into who I've let myself become, while still a driven passion to become who I know I can be. When we start over, from scratch, and begin anew, well, we can never really begin anew. There are always going to be remnants of what we were lingering, inspiring, weighing down and controlling, where we go. When you erase a chalkboard, there is still remaining shadows of what was there. Nothing ever really disappears, it just gets pushed away, lightened, faded, like the embers of a fire, that go out, but still exist if reignited the right way. The fight is knowing how to focus this energy, and weeding out what should be kept, and what should not. "you say everything i know is wrong" - If I Only Had a Brain - MC900 Ft Jesus In the passing hours and days that my existence as I knew crumble around me, I let it go, watching each piece fall, with slight regret, but with a stronger sense of accomplishment. Everything I had built myself into, was false, except for one thing. That one thing, that I cling to, hang onto, with all of my strength, and yet no strength or energy at all, since it is the only true feeling and emotion that I know is truly mine. My love for her, my angel, my Kat. The feelings I feel have always been true, always been real, always been strong. I was scared at times to admit them, why? I don't know. Did it seem too good to be true (she is that good, and she is all true and real) That's not it, I was afraid that she wouldn't like who I was. What I was, what I thought, what I did. So I modified myself, slightly, hiding things from her, gauging reactions without her even being involved in the decisions. In doing so, I did the one thing, she never wants me to do. I kept things from her. Things I am ashamed of, things that are a part of who I was. Things that are not me, now, but were the me then. I hold on, so tightly, yet so effortlessly, to the love that we have built together. The love that I know exists. She is my spark, that lights everything I know. Our love, is the one thing in my future that is for sure, the only thing I really know about myself, is that I want her. I rarely feel as if I deserve her, yet I know she was put on this earth for me. It really makes me believe in a higher existence, everytime I hear her voice. Everytime I feel her touch, her kiss, her breath, her passion, it makes me know, that God, or whoever your supreme being of choice is, exists, and has blessed my life with one of his angels. The point to my rant, if there is one, is this. This is not a phase, that I am going through. This is not something that I will just get over, in time, or when I let myself. This is something I know. This is something I feel, deep in the depths of my heart and soul. It is the only light, amidst an ocean of unknown thoughts, feelings and emptiness. I want to run to her, yet her arms are closed for the moment. She doubts me, with reasoning that I fed out of fear and insecurity. Yet I feel her love, I know its there, without words, emotions exist in the confidence and knowledge of actions and reactions. This journey I am on is not only for me, it is for us. Everything strong, needs a foundation "Every saga, has a beginning" - the only quotable thing from The Phantom Menace She is my foundation, that has always been there. I am not scared to be myself. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I am not afraid to give myself to her, because it is what is meant to be. How do I know this? "Who knows where thoughts come from" - Lucas (Rory Cochrane) Empire Records I do. Do I know how this story will end? No, noone knows from day to day where their lives will go. I do know that she will be in it, and we will be together. The greatest discovery from a journey is not in the destination, but the experiences along the way, which will be remembered far longer than where we end up. My journey, to her, and myself, continues. Other random thoughts coming soon..words fading, darkness closing in, I retreat to my corner my own personal self created hell, waiting for the light, not of day, but of her, to grant me respite, shelter from the storm that I have brought on. Someone stop the screaming, the nightmares..yet silence in the form of help. "What will you do...what will you do" - Jack (Keanu Reeves) Speed I'm quoting Keanu, it must be time to go. I'll write more..maybe, when the lambs stop screaming in my head, the self inflicted razors that cut my soul, only to be healed by her touch, when they stop, and I can escape to her arms. For now..I recoil, in fear, yet step further down the abyss. thoughts, reactions, or just comments that I'm a stupid rambling fool? I'd like to hear them (Lyrics by The Outfield, 1990©) |
