10/06/00

Visuals: Darkness

Soundtrack: Silence

Time: 5:30 pm

There come a point in every person's life where choices must be made. A point of realization, of awakening, of knowing where you want to go in life, and commiting yourself to it all costs. A point where you realize and admit the mistakes that you've made in your life, take responsibility for them, then move forward, learning from them.

I have been at that point for over a month now, since then, I have lived in a world of darkness, a shell of my former self, while rebuilding what I thought I knew, into what I truly know. There are remnants, as there will be after any catastrophic, life changing event, and in my case, it is the only thing I know in life to be true. The only thing I can trust, and feel, the only thing I know, the only light amidst my darkness, my angel.

However, I have imprisoned myself in this darkness, an escape, for which only she has the key. I have handed it to her, trusting her with my heart, and knowing that she is the only one who can free me. I want it that way. But she can't see me, she doesn't completely believe in me, and I've given her no reason to as of yet. Trust is the easiest thing to lose, and the hardest thing to regain. Rebuilding takes time, patience, and commitment. I am willing and able, trusting in my heart, as it draws me towards, and trusting in that love that I still feel, and know exists in her heart. Time, all it will take is time, and a little help from me. Some journeys, literal, and spiritual, whether guided by fate, or determination, have a source, basis and inspiration. Mine, towards my true self, revolves around discovery of myself, but still holds the only constant, her love. In doing such, another journey may be in order. One to free my body, free my soul, and free everything inside me, guided, and focused on her. Broaden her light into the darkness, lighting the path and way. Time is at an expense though, as fate is working both with, and against me.

This week, has been harder than usual. I've wanted her around as much, if not more, than I always do. Work had me take a day off, because of my mood, and lack of focus. It didn't help, my descent has still continued. Changing work shifts during the week, helping a training class, having a paper due for my school class, none of them have had my complete focus, only my times with her, which are never enough, brought me any pleasure. She doesn't understand how much she means to me, she thinks she has found what she wants in another, while I know that destiny never lies, and brought us together for a reason.

I cherish my time with her, but I yearn for more, as soon as it is over. Her touch, her kiss, her skin, her words, dancing inside me, around me, all over me, fulfilling, quenching, aching, hungering, wanting more, needing it.

I am running out of words to say, I get repetitive I know, I rant on, I know. I use the words of others, I know, and as I will here, in order to wrap this up.

I have nothing against him, and their little chats, or whatever she wants to call them. But everytime she mentions them, puts him ahead of me (even though its not a competition) and does things, shares things, which we used to, and don't as frequently, it lights a fire inside me. An anger, a passion, partially, it drives me harder, the more she does it, which she just does to rebuild the "friend" portion of things between us (since you have to be the best friend of the one you spend the rest of your life with) and shares things, the more it fuels the fire, the anger, expands the darkness, while her light is still in it.

*sigh*

I'm rambling, just forget it. I dont want to see any movies, dont want to spend any time with friends, "hang out" with anyone else, but she doesnt believe it, but I know it. Guess it doesnt really matter. Anybody who has any thoughts, suggestions, comments, etc, mail me if you want to, I'm not sure when, or if I'll write again, probably, but right now, I just don't care. I'm going to absorb myself in the darkness again, and wait for her light. Life hurts, even learning from it, but it hurts deep, and hard. Thanks for reading, and listening.