10/19/00 - 9:30pm - Pink Floyd, Nine Inch Nails, Seal echoing therough the silent madness

Caution, beware, warning, my mind is racing, my head is spinning, my emotions are stirring and that is the recipe for destruction of all sanity and rationality inside me. What follows, may not follow any rhyme or reason, any pattern of sensibility, any cohesive styling of your normal "journal" entry, but this is not the time for that. Not when the one I care about, and those whom she does, are threatened, when times are precarious, when reality is perched on the ledge of madness, when someone, or something is dangling a match over her powder keg of emotions. This is not the time to be subtle, this is the time to do what I do best. To open up my head, remove that filter that blocks things from coming out, and just let it all explode onto the screen. Reader beware, hide the women and children, buckle in for my over dramatic, anticipatory, yet brutally honest look inside what happens in my head. Steve Martin once said that comedy is not pretty, well, neither is life when you take off the mask, stop the facade and face things at their core, as they really are. Bare, naked, raw, intense, real. Buckle up kids, E-Tickets please

I have seen enough, to know that I've seen too much - David Lander A League of Their Own

Right now, at this minute, in time, on this earth. I am tired. My body is beat down, worn down by the everyday stresses and existence that keeps life flowing along. Exhausted by the circumstances involving my angel, details of which are sketchy, but frankly, unnecessary in my judgement of the situation. I have to admit, I know her feelings, for him, I know how much he means to her, a spot I have occupied, an honored and special place to be, in her heart. A place that I share now, but from my own fear, shame and mistakes but am learning to slowly, and very painfully accept. Acceptance does not mean I have given up my knowledge in our future together, but I also respect her decisions, her thoughts, her feelings, because I love her, every part of her, nothing, and noone can change that. All that being said, what is happening now, is wrong. If someone is such a coward as to deal with things indirectly, by going behind the back of one, to say things, then person has issues that they must deal with. Why drag other people through this, confront the involved parties, as he said, but leave them be. She is hurting, confused, angry, that passion which I so love and admire in her, has turned from the burning embers of desire, to the flames of ire, and that is a loss for someone who so personifies what passion is. To see her this way, drives a stake in the deepest regions of my heart. Each of her emotions touches me, effects me, so powerfully, that it is impossible to describe, and for you to imagine. I want to reach for her, hug her, hold her, love her, kiss her, make the pain go away. Something I know I cannot do, but something i feel that I must. She is away, a week to "find her smile" her happiness, calm down the hecticity and madness that shapes her world. Instead, she is being pulled deeper and deeper into a darkness that she doesnt belong in. A darkness that I am fighting to emerge from, not exactly the same, but parallel worlds, relatible, but not quite the same. The fact is, she doesn't deserve it. To whomever is doing this, whatever you are doing..I echo his words, with more emphasis. Fuck off indeed, get a life, face your problems, instead of fanning others. Do you even know who your dealing with, you've reached your hand into a dark hole because you think you're doing something good, helping the world, educating on who someone really is. I have news for ya Einsteen, you have no idea who you're dealing with. What gives you the right to tell one person who another is. One thing that has always annoyed me is when people say "I know what you're feeling" Bullshit. Noone, nowhere, at no point in time, EVER knows EXACTLY what another person is feeling at a specific moment, or because of a specific event. You are not inside their bodies, you are not inside their minds, you cannot feel what is in their heart, their soul, you never can, you never will. You may have been in similar situations, reacted similar ways, know one side of the equation so well that you think you can tell the other person what is REALLY on the other side of that curtain. What gives you that freaking right. What in your twisted, sad little existence made you think that you can fuck with and manipulate peoples lives, for what you think is beneficial, but is actually a sadistically self-servient pleasure trip. Do me a favor, if in some weird little technologically ironic fashion you end up reading this. Leave Kat alone, leave Geoff alone, leave their friends, their roommates, their lives, and any contact you have with them..alone. Yes, its a free country, yes you can say what you want, but be careful where you say it, how you say it, and who say it too, because if you mess with the bulls, you'll get the horns, the hoofs and the whole freaking animal. What business is this of mine? Because Kat means more to me than anything in this world. I love her, I trust her, I respect her, I care about her, I need her, more than air, more than food or water, more than anything in my life. And Geoff is a very special person in her life as well, neither of them deserve this. Period. Despire my impartiality on the matter, I still respect her decisions, her feelings and her emotions on things. And my anger, from anyone who knows me, does not come out often, but when it does Pedro..beware, because while my fuse may be long, when it goes off, it is not a pretty picture. This is a situation between her, him, and the roomies/friends. Noone else, just let it be. A quick note to the other parties involved as well. Friendship is about respect, trust and believing in someone completely. You obviously feel this way about him, else he would not be an important part of your life, you may not like, or agree with some of the decisions that he makes, but dammit, don't judge, or let it change or affect his life the way it is. Trust enough to know that he knows what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. Trust enough that she sees this in him and cares about him. She does not dole these emotions out lightly, believe me. Get to know her, give her a chance, and you may be amazed. Prejudgement is the mother of all fuck-ups. Southern US, 60's, slavery, oppression, remember?? Judging someone based upon past history, appearance, or lack of education, is unfair. I love my Kat, I want and believe in nothing less than forever for us, but her happiness, regardless of where and how she finds it, is very important to me. I believe I can give it to her, my past indiscretions and mistakes have bred doubt in her mind, justifiably so. What the future holds, I dont know, she doesnt know, he doesnt know, Mr Anonymous, you, Shirley MacLaine, noone knows. Just follow the path, follow your heart, trust your decisions, mind your own business, let life happen. In the words of Louie Anderson. Life..live it

I am tired right now, I miss her, I want her, I love her. I keep wishing for Sunday, distracted from my book, my class, my work, by thoughts of her. I have movie reviews to write, a class project to work on, my page to update, ideas for articles, and yet..all on my mind, is her. I miss her laugh, hearing her smile, feeling her touch my heart the way she does. Anything I can say would be repetitive, anyone who has read my previous entries know my feelings for her. She has taken a break, well deserved, but dammit, I miss her, selfishly, I want her, to absorb and feel her around me. She has taken time away from things, to escape the kind of stuff mentioned above, and it still finds her. She wants to scream, I want to listen. She wants to sit at the bottom of the pool and blow bubbles, I want to sit next to her and hold her hand. Her silence haunts and envelopes her, it tortures me, knowing that she sits in it alone, when she doesnt have to. Still, I know its what she wants. My angel, go away from it all. Turn off the computer, turn off the TV, escape technology, find reality. Your friends, your kitties, your family (except for Aunt Mervie), those funny looking buildings with the dark rooms and white wallpaper with moving images on them, find your happiness, find what makes you smile, find what feeds that passion inside you. That thing we all love, we all admire, that draws us to you, that makes us miss you so much right now.

I miss you baby..I'm here..you know that.

I have to go now, there is so much more inside me..another night, if you're interested, suddenly, anger, exhaustion and frustration are the better part of discretion for the moment. The thoughts are still there, if youre interested, ask me, hell if you think Im wrong, or Im a jerk, or Im right on, anything..its a free country, and I do listen. I do not write this for anyone but myself, as all journals should be, but I know, from this weeks experiences, that public words, effect private lives. Although they shouldnt, and a person's mind escaping onscreen or paper should not be judged, but rathered absorbed, and respected, even admired for allowing us to look inside someones mind, should be taken as just that, I know that other eyes are watching, and dont mind knowing, or even hearing feedback.

My journey to her, from the darkness, in search of reality, following fate's spotlight..into unknown territories, which I fear not, but need and want..all continue.

Until soon