10/22/00 - 12:15pm - Sounds of the fall, rain against the window, pads against pads, chiefs vs rams

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack! Thanks to an evening filled with music, fun, family spirit, a soulful energy, the love and company of good friends, an escape from the madness into reality, my angel's smile and soul have returned I believe, I can't wait to take her in my arms again, spin her around slowly, hold her close, stroke her hair slowly, kiss her tenderly, then rejoin her in her world, that I want to be a part of forever. This week, and weekend, has been a rollercoaster of emotions. The majority of which was spent spiraling slowly downward, pain eating me from the inside out, missing the voice, sound, touch, kiss and feeling of my angel while she took a self-imposed sabbatical from things. I have been tied in the corner and forced to watch as she suffered though doubt, accusations, anger, frustration, hate, and other emotions from sources that she was fighting and seeking to escape from, or at least find answers for. She wanted a week filled with nothing, with lumping, with late night swims, being a pajama-wearing, Seinfeld/Tool-Time watchin, Totino's eatin, do-what-she-wants-when-she-wants-without-caring-what-anyone-says, etc kinda weekend. For the most part, she got it, but she still let the external forces in, and let them affect her life, doubt herself, and make her feel things that she doesn't normally feel. The hardest thing I had to was to sit back and watch her go through all of this alone. Every ounce of pain she suffered, that she let out, I felt, and then some. I wanted to reach out, take her pain away, make it mine, because she doesnt deserve to have to deal with it, even though I also have the confidence and faith in her that she can. I felt so helpless, sending my love, the only ways I know how;by holding her tighter in my heart, by keeping her closer in my dreams, and by loving her more, if possible, and more, with every passing moment which draws us closer together *sigh*

The pain, the darkness, has been unbearable, and taken a physical toll on me as well. My sleep has been erratic, my work has been distracted, I even took half days off, to spend with her, whenever and wherever possible, even for just a moment, a glimpse, a touch of her laugh on my lips, a caress of her smile on my heart

I havent been able to get into books, movies, or anything, my mind has been absorbed with concern, thoughts, love, desire, want and pain, for her. My ulcers are flaring badly, my migraines have been persistent, the blame cast nowhere but on myself, but intensified by my concern and love for her. I've been trying to finish the book she suggested that I read, a really good suspense/emotional thriller called Instruments of Night, but its a book that requires complete concentration on things, which I havent been able to give it. The swirl of emotions, the arms of the darkness of my soul and surroundings then engulf and pull me farther into the abyss, when she needs me most, I fall further. The jealousy, comes out again, the anger and frustration on my part, as she goes on and on about things, the pictures, the poems, the songs..that should be me! That will be me...selfishly, the ire boils inside me, my temperature rises, my pulse races at each mention, conflicting with my wishes and desires for her happiness. I want what is best for her, I am angered by those who try to get in her way, they don't know who they are fucking with, whose life they are messing with. I will fight with every ounce of energy that I have, every breath in my body, to give her the happiness she deserves, I'm ranting a bit, so I'll stop for now..but this story, this journey, is far from over. I love her, I need her, I want her..hopefully, very soon, she will come back to me, newfound smile in hand, arms outstretched welcoming me into her world, where I want to be.

Right now, I'm recovering from a bad case of something, caused by the Chinese food that I treated myself to last night (beef with broccoli, chicken fried rice, were not my friend), against my Dr's wishes, and probably due a lecture from Kat regarding it, it was something I thought would bring a smile to my face, and body, but instead, it caused my stomach great consternation and pain, throwing off my sleep habits, and making last night, very long and hard, and not in a good way. I wanted her to take care of me, to just snuggle with her again, feel her kisses, feel her touch, and know that all was going to be okay.

BTW, DSL is cool, and my Chiefs are beating the Rams *smile* Today, I'm going to enjoy the rain, watch some football, relax, and maybe work on my movie reviews (The Contender ($$$), American Nightmare ($$$), Best In Show ($$$+) and Bedazzled ($$) and just be a lump, and hopefully wait for the call of the angel...tonight, always..forever