10/22/00 - 12:15pm - Sounds of the fall, rain against the window, pads against pads, chiefs vs rams

Silence speaks..a thousand words

I have been silent from here much too long. There are several reasons (some may call them excuses) as to why I have been. I have been busy, with school primarily, working on a project which I may post parts of here, if anyone is interested (let me know) regarding the movies and life of director Billy Wilder. Also, I fell prey to the intimidation factor of writing, same reason that my friend Jeff once verbally persecuted me for. I am so critical of what I write, whether it be just for me, or for someone else, I feel like it has to be extensive, in-depth, interesting, etc. Anything else seems like a waste of time. But then I hearken back to something that my AngelKat stated.

"Just write what you feel, you don't write for other people, you write for yourself, it doesn't matter who, if anyone is reading it"

For some reason, I feel an obligation to write something meaningful, rather than just a few lines of rambling, but then again, during this period of my self-discovery, those few lines of rambling, pouring my head, my heart, my feelings and my soul onto paper, figuratively speaking, can indeed be therapeutic, regardless of what it is. So one of my vows from now on, is going to be to write something, anything, everyday and see what happens. That was my initial goal, but I got away from it.

Rain is indeed a wonderful thing, it seems everytime I am motivated to write, is when it's raining, contrary to popular belief, I do not live in Seattle, or Great Britain. The rain is so simple, so beautiful, so powerful, physically and emotionally. The sound can lull, and soothe, or even frighten in some case. The feeling can cool, soak, relax, but also can cause illness. The sight, can mesmerize, amaze at mother natures power, yet can dampen, figuratively and literally, the spirits of those outdoors people. I, for one, fall into all of the postive categories. It stirs my emotions, I believe it is very sensual in its seductive power, cool against the heat of passion, both creating the mood for, then providing respite from. Yes indeed, my mind is loose, rambling again, so beware.

I will be so glad when Tuesday comes and goes, not because we will now have a new group leaders to take us into this next century, but because it will mean an end to these incessant, backstabbing, annoying political ads. Do politicians really believe that by running down the other person, they can sway sympathies towards them? Yes, they focus on their issues and beliefs, but why then do they have to run down the other to prove their worthiness. Shouldn't their policies be strong enough to stand on their own? This is part of the reason that I never voted in the 4 presidential, and 8 overall elections for which I have been eligible. More on this as the election draws closer. I have some views regarding the focus on certain issues, and the mudslinging that leads to digging up dirt on their pasts. It's in my head, I shall unlock in the next couple of days.

Now, onto my angel, who has occupied my mind, body and soul constantly, as it should be, and as I like her to be.

Recently, through her journals, I found out that her "vacation north" has been postponed. The reasons for which I have not been enlightened on, nor may I ever be. I have said before that I do want her to be happy, I also believe that I am the one who can give her that happiness. The journey, the countdown, can now cease, temporarily, as my plans need not be hastened, and my patience will overcome. My eyes reopening, and my focus clear, I see her, and only her, and want her, and only her. She cannot see this, but I know she will. The true faith and feelings in my heart will shine through, and not blind her to others, but bathe her in love. However I would be remiss in not noticing that her heart and actions are..distracted elsewhere in her search. I understand that I am the one who turned her eyes in other directions, but I also know, and understand that I am the one who can turn her eyes one last time, towards me, so she can see me, again, believe me, again, and love me, always.

When the one you love's in love with someone else
Don't you know it's torture I mean it's a living hell
No matter how I try to convince myself this time I won't lose control
One look in your blue eyes and suddenly my heart can't tell you no

All I want, is to make her happy, all I want, is to see her smile, every morning, feel her touch every day, whether she's with me or not, and feel her kiss, on my soul, as the last thing to carry me into our mutual dreamland. I live every day, to be one moment closer to her. I work every day, to make myself better, into the person I want to be, the person she can love, without hesitation, naturally. I strive to learn, more about my myself, about her, about us together, because it is what feels right.

You make me wanna be a better man

Tis what I know is right, tis where my heart takes me, and where I am not afraid to let it go. Yes, I continue to ramble on about her, and I am not ashamed, or afraid to. Some may call it obsessive, foolhardy, frivoulous, pointless. That I should let actions, speak louder than my words, but I am letting my actions AND my words speak those things which my heart feels, and which are not easily communicated. So now, we are back on even ground, we continue on down our path, unheeded, with only the hurdles of our continued growth together to conquer. I am tiring now, but there is more inside my head, and heart to be spilled out, stay tuned, if you're interested, the writing will continue.

Silence speaks - Lyrics by Debbie Gibson, 1989

My Heart Can't Tell You No - Rod Stewart, Lyrics by Simon Climie and Dennis Morgan, 1989

Jack Nicholson, to Helen Hunt - As Good As It Gets, 1998

Here With Me - Dido, Lyrics by written by Dido Armstong, P. Statham & P. Gabriel, 2000